(1,5) I WANT TO SMILE BESIDE YOU IN THE SPRING THAT I HAVEN'T SEEN YET - CHAPTER 1, PART 5

I think what they're into is something they were born to love, not something they found.

 

They didn't try to find a hobby or find what they wanted to be, but they naturally liked it.

 

'No one told me to do it or taught me how to do it, but I found myself irresistibly passionate about it, and I couldn't stop.'

 

In this way, I believe that what we like and what we want to do comes from within us.

 

And until now, I have never had anything in my life that I naturally fell in love with, or in which I am compelled to do, or in which I aspire to be. 

 

While I was thinking about this and looking at Tohko, I saw Kanata-kun looking at her from the ground beyond her.

 

But she's so focused on her painting, that she doesn't notice him at all.

 

After staring at her as she continued to move her brush for a moment, he sharply turned his head forward and began to run with a pole.

 

Then after several jumps, Tohko suddenly threw a glance at the ground.

 

This time, he was more focused on his practice and did not look at her at all.

 

Tohko stared at him as he leaped through the air, then turned to face the canvas again.

 

Looking at them, I thought to myself, "It's no wonder I wasn't chosen."

 

He is a dedicated pole vaulter and Tohko is a painter who never gets tired of drawing.

 

He is cheerful and sociable, and she is quiet and reserved.

 

Their roots are very similar.

 

That is why Tohko fell in love with Kanata-kun and he chose her.

 

I hope the two of them will continue to work well together. It will work out.

 

Such thoughts filled my heart.

 

I am not bluffing or lying.

 

Tohko is a really important friend, and I want her to be happy.

 

I know how much she loves Kanata-kun and I want her to be on good terms with him forever. I truly believe that.

 

However, it would be a lie if I said that I am supporting them with an unclouded heart.

 

Because I haven't been able to give up on him yet.

 

As Kana said, there is certainly an ugly part of me somewhere in my heart that thinks, "I fell in love with him before Tohko did.

 

I really like him after all.

 

As soon as he entered school, he helped me when I was in trouble. I fell in love with him the first time we spoke, and I have been in love with him ever since.

 

Even now that Kanata-kun has started dating Tohko, I find myself following him with my eyes.

 

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I think Tohko and Kanata-kun are a very good couple.

 

They are both very kind and nice, and I can't help but root for them.

 

Besides, I can tell that they love each other, and it makes me smile just watching them.

 

There is nothing wrong with that.

 

Except for the fact that ... I still love him.

 

As long as I can give up on him, everything will be fine.

 

Why, of all people, did I fall in love with the same person as Tohko?

 

Even though she's finally dating the person she loves, she always holds her breath when she meets him.

 

I can see that she is very careful not to be seen by me or Kana.

 

Even so, it is impossible for us not to run into each other in the same school.

 

Tohko's face when I saw her with him, looked so apologetic that it made me feel awkward, and when I realized that I was the one making her look that way, I felt sorry for myself as well.

 

I have told her many times, "I'm over him now, so don't worry about it and be friends with him," but I'm sure she knows that. She knows that I still love him.

 

Tohko is my longest friend.

 

And I also understand it. She feels guilty towards me.

 

I can tell just by looking at her face. We've known each other since we were in first grade, so it's only natural.

 

Tohko is not the type of person who can go out with someone her friend likes without a care in the world.

 

She was going through a lot of pain in the relationship, but because she really likes him, she couldn't break up with him, and she is probably going through more pain than anyone else, even more than me.

 

＊

 

When I left the school, I felt my body, which had been so tense, finally loosen up.

 

Lately, I sometimes feel suffocated being with Kana and Nanami. They are both cheerful and fun to talk with, but when they start talking about Tohko, as they did earlier, I don't know what kind of face to make.

 

I exhale and a white mist rises from my lips.

 

I rewrap my scarf tighter around my head.

 

Today is especially cold. Before I know it, it's all winter. I thought a little wistfully that my first year of high school was coming to an end.

 

I walk slowly down the single street to the station, stepping on the cobblestone pavement.

 

It was cold and I wanted to get on the train as soon as possible, but my legs felt as heavy as lead as I knew that I would have to talk to my mother about my career interview when I got home today.

 

Still, I reach the station in less than ten minutes.

 

Stifling a sigh, I went down the stairs leading to the basement, passed through the ticket gates, and lined up on the platform.

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