Chapter 30: Ch 29 – You’ll Never Be Rid Of Me

Jack left the bathroom looking as skittish as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

 

 

Jack hurried over to the small waiting area looking for Ivy. It was a bit of a walk from the bathroom to the front of the restaurant, considering the place appeared to have been converted from an old warehouse or 19th century factory. It had an odd combination of old, worn brickwork and modern updates with strange curiosities all over the walls.

 

Ivy seemed puzzled by Jack's return, "That was fast. Everything okay?"

 

Jack kept looking over his shoulder, "That-" He shuddered, "Was unnatural."

 

Ivy blinked, "What was?"

 

Jack looked her straight in the Eye, "The bathroom."

 

Ivy furrowed her eyebrows, "What about it?"

 

"The place was packed and the other men..." Jack couldn't help letting the sound of dread creep into his voice, "They talked to me."

 

Ivy blinked, "That... doesn't happen often?"

 

Jack shook his head, "No. Especially at the urinal. In my world, if you talk to another guy while they are using a urinal, you're asking to get stabbed."

 

Ivy's eyes went wide, "Seriously?"

 

Jack looked over his shoulder, "Well... no. But close." He shuddered all over, "That was creepy. Like. Super creepy."

 

She laughed for a second, then covered her mouth, "I... sorry. I don't know much about... male bathroom etiquette in this world, much less yours,  but what I know from watching movies is, when the guy goes off to the bathroom, it usually takes about a half hour, mostly because everyone starts gossiping." She frowned slightly, "Not sure how much of that is Hollywood and how much of that is real, however."

 

Jack looked back at her, then let out a snort, "Sorry. I guess I'm over reacting." He frowned, "That one guy thought I was gay."

 

Ivy just stared at Jack and didn't say anything.

 

Jack stared back before suddenly pointing to the bathroom, "There was a guy in there wearing a codpiece who looked like someone devoured the teletubbies, then vomited them all over his shirt!" He pointed at himself, "I'm as bland as it comes and people think I'm gay?"

 

Ivy blinked, "Uhh... codpieces are..." She looked a little embarrassed.

 

Jack lost all facial expression, "Hold it. Are you telling me looking like a fruit salad and wearing a Galapagos Island Tortoise Shell over your crotch is what passes for masculine?"

 

Ivy was quiet for a full three seconds before she bent over and held her stomach laughing as hard as she could. This got a more than a few people to look over and stare in annoyance.

 

Jack said nothing and just regarded her with as flat an expression as possible.

 

She looked up, saw Jack's face, and started laughing harder. Jack rolled his eyes and folded his arms while he looked at her. It took a bit, but she started getting it under control, "Oh god! I'm sorry! I'm so Sorry. I-" She snickered for a bit, "Sorry. But you are frickin' hysterical!" She wiped at the corner or her eye, "Seriously. Are you a stand up comedian or something?"

 

The hostess came over, "Excuse me. Could you keep it down?"

 

Ivy forced herself to get serious, "Ima-I'm sorry. Sorry." She cleared her throat.

 

Jack looked a little puzzled, "The guys in the bathroom were the same way. I just mentioned I had to drain the dragon and they all burst out laughing."

 

Both Ivy and the Hostess stared at Jack for a moment before covering their mouths and tryed hard not to laugh. Jack just eyed them both with some confusion, which only made it harder on both of them to keep it under control. Jack looked confused, "Hey. It wasn't that funny."

 

They both nodded and got it under control, "Right. Right." Ivy let out a 'pppft' sound between her lips as she held her lips tightly together.

 

The hostess cleared her throat, "Sorry. Ahem." She gestured, "I came over to say your table was ready. This way."

 

Ivy took Jack's arm and guided him across the room to a booth in the corner. It was rather isolated with high walls, to make conversation seem more private. It was all done up in dark wood and red padded seat covers. The table had the usual condiments with a small table lamp that looked like a fake candle. Not exactly romantic, but it did try and set the mood and offered some privacy from the far more boisterous bar section where most of the drinking was taking place.

 

Jack took off his jacket and tossed it into the booth before sitting down, "I'm I really that funny?"

 

Ivy slid into her seat across from him, "Well... I dunno. I don't know a lot of guys willing to make raunchy jokes. So I guess it's... a bit shocking? I mean..." She looked around then lowered her voice as she leaned closer, "If I were to start making dick jokes like that, I might get kicked out." She straightened up and resumed taking normally, "You're a guy. You can get away with it." She then frowned a bit and went quiet.

 

Jack tilted his head to the side, "What is it?"

 

"Oh it's just..." Ivy sighed, "Having a bit of a flashback. My father has a bunch of old, uncensored cartoons. Those were funny. Considering how censored comedians are these days, maybe that's why everyone thinks your funny. In a way, we live in a comedic wasteland." She looked up at Jack, "You also have that... perfect straight-man face. When you make a joke, it works because... well... I can tell you're being sincere."

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Ivy looked off towards the crowd in the tavern area, "I guess talking to you and how casual you are talking about..." She snickered and lowered her voice, "Draining the dragon" She bit her lips for a second, before continuing, "Just makes it clear how much we censor ourselves these days." She looked past Jack and out the front window. She observed the street lights that were turning on to ward off the approaching darkness of night, "I guess the sharp contrast really shows just how much we've given up to keep society functioning."

 

Jack was about to say something when they were interrupted by the waiter. He brought water, of which Ivy immediately downed the first glass and asked for a pitcher of ice water. Each were given menus and the waiter left as they set about to ordering.

 

Jack was about open his mouth when Adam chimed in, ~Don't Do It!~

 

Jack closed his mouth and hid his face behind his menu. He whispered very softly to himself, "What?"

 

~Don't offer to pay! If you are worried about how much money she has, just stick to something simple!~

 

Jack closed his eyes and grit his teeth as he let out an exasperated sigh.

 

Ivy tilted her head to the side to look around the menu, "Something wrong?"

 

Jack looked up and lowered the menu, "Huh? Oh. No. Sorry. I talk out loud when I'm thinking. It's a bad habit." He looked back at the menu, "This might sound weird, but I'm curious as to what a hamburger is like here."

 

Ivy raised her eyebrows, "That's it?"

 

Jack nodded as he folded up the menu, "What can I say? I'm a man of simple tastes."

 

Ivy stared at Jack and a grin slowly spread across her face.

 

Jack stared back for a while then eventually asked, "What?"

 

Ivy was quiet for a few seconds more before she spoke, "Anyone ever tell you that you're fun to be around?"

 

Jack looked surprised. You could have knocked him over with a feather.

 

Ivy straightened up, "Oh. I'm sorry. I-"

 

Jack shook his head and held up a hand, "It's... it's fine. I-" He took a deep breath, "No."

 

Ivy blinked, "No?"

 

Jack nodded, "No. You would... be the first."

 

Ivy blinked, "Seriously?"

 

Jack nodded again, "Yup. I... I'm a rather serious guy. I used to be, at least. Back home my humor would be... biting and sarcastic. I didn't consider that maybe here I'm funny."

 

Ivy smiled brightly and spoke with a playful tone, "You are indeed more funny than sarcastic." She furrowed her eyebrows, "Or... maybe it's because everything seems so serious lately you're light-hearted in comparison."

 

The waiter came back and took their order. As he walked away, the conversation seemed to grind to a halt. They stared at each other for several seconds before Jack chimed in, "Sooo... I went to the doctor the other day."

 

Ivy nodded, "You did?"

 

Jack nodded back, "I said, Doctor doctor, I got a problem! He said, 'What's wrong?'" Jack gestured to his crotch, "I have scales growing on my dick! The doctor sighed and looked quite grim as he shook his head, 'Son. I'm afraid you have reptile dysfunction.'"

 

Ivy slapped her hand over her mouth.

 

Jack continued, "So how to I cure it, doc? He said, 'Well, for starters, stop masturbating.' So I asked, 'will that make it go away?' He replied, 'No, but I'm trying to examine you and it's very distracting.'"

 

Ivy closed her eyes tightly and started to turn a bright red as she tried to keep from bursting out laughing. Despite her best efforts, she was still laughing enough that you could hear it behind her hand as she struggled to breathe through her nose.

 

Jack grinned and contemplated if he should keep it going, when a shadow moved over the table. Both Jack and Ivy looked up to see three women standing there. All three were wearing cape-type outfits of one type or another. Upon seeing them, Ivy sobered up immediately.

 

The leader looked down at Ivy with a sneer, "Hey Ivy? Wanna clue us in on the joke?" Then folded her arms.

 

 

 

"Or you too good for your EX-teammates?"

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