Chapter 11: 11

Volume 1, Chapter 11: Sister

 

I loved my older brother. That hadn't changed even now that I was in my third year of middle school. So, why was I ignoring him for six months?

 

At first, it was petty jealousy. My brother had a childhood friend. Her name was Ayano Sayaka-chan. When I was still a kid, everything was still fine. I didn't feel left out because all three of us played together.

 

But it all changed after my father passed away. My brother and Sayaka-chan started hanging out together without including me.

Why? For what reason? Now that I look at it, it was simple. The two must have been in love with each other. But at the time, I was still a kid. There was no way I could have understood that.

 

That's why I felt isolated. I thought my brother was taken away from me. But I put up with it. Because when we were at home, I could have him all to myself.

 

But if I continued living on like that, I would eventually reach my limit. I could no longer stand this indescribable feeling of alienation. I wanted him to pay more attention to me. I wanted to go out with him like we used to. But my brother was always with Sayaka-chan.

 

He despised me. Such a bad feeling took over my heart. So, I did a lot of things to make him care about me. At first, it was just something trivial. I knew my brother owned that ice cream, so I ate it on purpose knowing that, and I also hid my brother's phone as some mild prank.

 

He would pay attention to me this way. I thought that. As a result, my strategy was successful and my brother did pay attention to me. But my brother valued his time with Sayaka-chan even more.  Even if I invited him to go out and have fun, he already had something planned with Sayaka-chan, and even if I tried to get his attention at home, he was always calling Sayaka-chan.

 

Even though others might see it at as somewhat unseemly because I was already in middle school, but I still did love my brother. My brother sat next to me as I kept on crying when our father passed away, and he just patted my back without saying anything.

 

Which was why I wasn't satisfied with the current situation. In one way or another, I wanted things to be how it was then. At one time, I had gotten a bit angry with my brother. So, I ignored him for a few hours.

 

After that, my brother cared for me again. Just like how things were. I was really happy. I wished that moment would last forever. But then, my brother brought his attention back to Sayaka-chan. So, I ignored him again. That instance, it was for a full day. And, my brother had his attention on me as well this time around. Next time was even longer.

 

That's why I kept on ignoring my brother who only cared about Sayaka-chan. I had been doing this several times now. That moment, I tried to use that strategy to get my brother to care about me.

Only this time, it was for a week. A whole week. That was a mistake.

 

Thinking about it now, one week was really too long. I wasn't aware of it at the time. I just wanted my brother to pay attention to me. I continued ignoring my brother while thinking that.

 

And then, a day after that week. Thinking it was about time, I tried to apologize to my brother and then have him spoil me. But I couldn't start a conversation with my brother. Why? The reason was simple. The situation simply became too uncomfortable. I had obviously been ignoring him for a week. There was no way I could talk to him like after all that like usual.

 

I was worried about what to do. Time wasn't on my side while I was being frantic, either. The amount of time I kept on ignoring him kept on increasing by the day. All the while, my brother kept on trying to talk to me. That further heightened the guilt and awkwardness I was feeling.

 

Two weeks, a month, then six months. Before I knew it, it was already too late. I couldn't even face my brother anymore.

 

But one day, my brother suddenly confronted me.

 

"Nana, will you go to school with me today?"

 

My brother, who didn't usually say things like that, just said so.

I was so happy. Let's go right away! I wanted to reply that. But my guilt wouldn't allow for it.

 

"..."

 

Ah, again. I ignored him again. It only made my guilt even worse.

 

"What are you going to buy at the convenience store?"

 

Just stop.

 

"..."

"If you're going to buy something, you would need to leave the house soon..."

 

Please.

 

"Hey."

 

Don't let me hurt you anymore.

 

"W-what is it?!"

 

My brother looked at my face with a very surprised look.

 

"Annoying."

 

...Eh? I, what did I just say? Annoying? ...? W-why? Why did I do that? I didn't even know myself. I didn't mean to hurt him.

 

"...My bad."

 

My brother was clearly depressed. That figure of him imprinted a deep sense of guilt in my chest that I couldn't escape from anymore.

 

"...ah..."

 

I had to apologize. I know that in my head, but my words wouldn't come out. I never held such a grudge against myself more so than at this time.

 

"I'm off."

 

My brother left the entrance of our house as he said this.

 

"...Why! Why am I always...!!!"

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Whenever my brother was gone, I always regretted afterwards. I didn't even try to fix the situation even though I regretted it this much. Really, I was so...

 

And then, there was no turning back anymore.

 

"Oh... Good morning, Manato."

 

One morning, my mother called out to my brother as he descended down from the second floor.

 

"Good morning to you, too. Maki-san."

 

The moment I heard that voice, my eyes, still asleep, shot wide open.

Maki, that was my mother's name. Then, who called my mother by her name? It was my brother, mother's own child.

 

"!!! M-Manato?"

"Is there something wrong?"

 

My mother was visibly upset. So was I.

 

"Eh, O-Onii-chan?"

 

Maybe the reason I was able to talk again to my brother was because I was full of guilt after ignoring him for half a year. I knew I shouldn't think of it like this, but I was happy.

 

"What is it? Nana-san."

 

But that feeling quickly turned to despair. He added an honorific to my name. I became just someone else to him.

 

"W-what happened? You're talking like a stranger..."

 

His expression looked like he was talking to people he was unfamiliar with. Because we might have just been like that to him.

 

"What, you say, I just don't have a family to call my own."

 

And then, I realized everything. My actions so far had led to this result now.

 

"H-hey, Manato. What's wrong?"

"Y-yeah, Onii-chan. Stop talking like that."

 

It wasn't a request, but a plea. Please stop talking like that.

 

"It’s just that I realized. I've never been loved by anyone."

"Why would you think that?!"

 

That wasn't true! I really loved my older brother!

I wanted to scream that out loud, but my guilt still wouldn't allow it.

 

"Why, huh. Maki-san showed it to me numerous times. You always put work before me. Nana, as well. You've been ignoring me for the past six months."

"That's not it, Manato! That!"

"I-I didn't mean to ignore you...!"

 

I just wanted my brother to pay attention to me again. But that turned into jealousy and had now developed into the present.

 

"Rest assured. I don't care about you two anymore, so you don't have to try and mend things now."

"! Please, Manato, don't say that..."

"Onii-chan, it's all my fault! I'm really sorry, so please stop!"

 

It was my fault. I really understood that, but at the bottom of my heart, I also thought that it would have been nice he would have been a bit more considerate.

 

"Please calm down. I understand. I won't bother you two, so I hope you let me stay at this house. Please."

 

But when I saw my brother bowing his head deeply in front of me, I now fully realized I was the one to blame.

 

"You don't have to do that, this is your home!"

"Please go back to how you always were, Onii-chan!"

 

I was the one who got rid of my brother's old self. Even if I knew that, I still hoped.

 

"The usual me...what kind of person was he."

 

My brother was always kind and reliable, but he was a loving person who was a bit insecure. The one in front of me was someone who had completely given up on everything.

 

"I'm going to school now. Oh, I'm grateful to be allowed to stay here, so I don't need money for breakfast."

 

Not good. If I let my brother leave here, the situation would be irreparable.

 

"Wait!"

"Onii-chan!"

 

Yet I had no way of preventing my brother from walking out that door.

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