Chapter 20: 20

Volume 1, Chapter 20: Hisai Aika

 

I lost my mother and father when I was little. The cause was a traffic accident. Naturally, I cried and begged for everything to be just a dream.

But it wasn't. The remains of my mother and father told me that this was all reality.

 

From then on, I was entrusted to my mother's parents. And there, I despaired again.

I was still recovering from the emotional trauma of my parents' death.

That's why I kept on crying, even if I was at my grandparents' house. All the time. Morning until night. I was still a kid at the time, so I cried loudly. I couldn't cry with my voice stifled.

 

Was this a mistake? One day, my grandmother said that.

 

"Aika-chan. I know you're sad, but it's time to move on, okay?"

 

I knew that. I knew I couldn't keep on crying forever. But I couldn't hold it in. My tears flowed endlessly.

 

"That's enough already!"

 

My grandmother yelled. And then, she smacked me on the cheek. I sobered up and stopped crying, not knowing what just happened. But then I understood the situation, and tears welled up in my eyes. I felt a mix of both pain and sadness.

 

Further angered by this, my grandmother escalated the violence.

Grandmother was mainly the one carrying out the violence, and grandfather turned a blind eye to this.

 

I was at my limit. That’s why I started working part-time as soon as I became a middle school student. You might think that no one would ever hire a middle school student, but for some reason, that store did.

 

"You must have some circumstances."

 

The person who seemed to be the store manager said so.

 

"Okay. You're hired."

 

I was puzzled. I didn't know about part-time jobs, but was it really that easy to get accepted? It shouldn't be. But the person in front of me said he would hire me. I could only be grateful. I took him at his words and went to work.

 

Then, I entered high school and started living alone. My grandparents didn't say anything in particular about the matter.

...I knew they didn't care about me after all.

 

Still, I was glad. No, it might be better to say that everything didn't matter at that point.

But I still wanted someone to love me. I couldn't give up.

That's why when I was at school, I would wear flashy clothes.

I thought it would make it easier for people to gather around me.

 

As I had hoped, people began to crowd. People dressed the same way as me. I was interacting with them by pretending to be someone who I wasn't. Maybe they were also the same.

 

Then one day, a guy called me out to the back of the school building.

 

"Please go out with me."

 

That's what he told me. I was honestly happy. I was thinking that there was still someone who liked me even though I was like this.

 

"Please take care of me."

 

So, I accepted. With my fake self.

 

Apparently, that guy was called Harasaki-kun. I had never heard of him before.

It might as well have been anyone. Because I just wanted to be loved.

 

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From then on, the days of trying to not be disliked by Harasaki-kun continued.

I didn't want anyone to hate me anymore. I had that one goal in mind.

 

A new guy came to my part-time job.

He said his name was Tamaki-kun. There was a sense of familiarity about that person’s face. Where had I seen him before? I searched my memories, but I couldn't find him. Thinking that it was probably just my imagination, I taught him what to do on this job.

 

He was very good at handling things. If he was this skilled, then he didn't have a need for me...

 

I saw Tamaki-kun. On my way to school. I was very surprised because he was wearing the same uniform. Then our eyes met.

At first, he didn't recognize me. But it was only a matter of time before he did. Eventually, he found out who I was.

 

I asked him not to tell Harasaki-kun. My request was easily accepted. When I was patting my chest in relief, Tamaki-kun asked me a question.

 

"...Why do you change yourself at school?"

 

He spoke. I wondered how I would answer that question. Even when I agonized about how to reply, I couldn't find a good way to put it, so I responded honestly.

 

"...Because if I don't, then no one will love me."

 

As soon as I had said that, I knew I made a mistake.

 

"Ah, ahaha. It's funny, huh. Everyone else wants to be loved for who they really are, but I try to change myself just to be loved..."

 

From Tamaki-kun's point of view, that answer must have made no sense. But then, Tamaki-kun...

 

"That's not necessarily the case."

 

He said clearly.

 

"Huh?"

 

I was stumped by those unexpected words. Because I thought I made him uncomfortable. I thought I gave him a bad feeling. But Tamaki-kun told me that it wasn't like that.

 

"I don't have as bad of a family environment at home like Hisai-san, but I understand exactly how you feel. Is there something wrong with trying to change yourself to be loved?"

"B-but it's like I'm a fake..."

 

Even so, I couldn't help but feel guilty about pretending to be someone I wasn't. And yet, Tamaki-kun continued.

 

"It's fine if it's fake. Surely everyone is a fake then, right? They are afraid to expose their true selves. That's why what you're doing isn't necessarily a bad thing."

 

I realized that my heart felt a bit lighter when he said that. His words had that much of an impact.

 

"I wonder if that's true..."

"Yeah, it is. It's normal to want to be loved."

"Tamaki-kun..."

 

The reason that I got filled with emotion as I looked at Tamaki kung was because Tamaki-kun said that with such determination. Surely.

 

"...Thank you. Somehow, my heart feels a bit lighter."

"...No problem."

"Tamaki-kun?"

 

Tamaki-kun, who said that to reassure me, looked somewhat lonely. I wonder why?

 

⸻⸻⸻ (ﾉ*ФωФ)ﾉ ⸻⸻⸻ TN Notes: Sorry for the late upload. I was busy with academics. After thinking about it, I decided to continue translating this novel. I sniped this in the first place, so I it would look bad on me if I just abandon it. Still, doesn't change the fact that I'm losing interest. I'm coping that this will still get better later on.

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