Chapter 1: 1. Before the Impact

'I wish, that I could turn back time' I thought as my mom's hands slipped past into my hand. Covid sucks, and the rising prices, the inflation, the war, everything. how I wish things would be better. I know that my mom doesn't have a long time with me before my mom used to tell me that everything is going to be all right.

But now, my mom is gone it's just me now. It's me and my autistic self against the world. Honestly, I don't know what to do right now. I watched as the nurses and doctors took my mom away from me. I watched as tears fall down my eyes, I usually don't cry like this, the last time I cried is when the body of my father got home being delivered by a military officer and talking to my mom. And at that time, I realized that life is not pretty, I mean we all have troubles and problems that we can fix, but there's just this thing called mortality that can't be fixed, not at least right now.

I know that in the future I may also die, but right now, I feel empty, I can't foresee myself in the future without my mom. I already have a plan for the future, and it is quite grand, I'm a semester away from graduating college, and I told my mom before she got Covid, I told her that after graduating I'll pursue the internship that I already have and come to work overseas and I'll take her with me, and well live to a better place.

But then just after graduating college, my mom told me she doesn't have much time here with me. Life's such a fickle thing, we don't appreciate things until they are gone that we truly appreciate them. My mom is dying and I feel bad, I do appreciate her every day and I'm very grateful for all that she had done for me, but now, how will I ever show her the fruits of her hard work, the fruit of raising me as a good son?

I know that I'm not a saint, but I'm not a devil too. I have my flaws and cons. I wonder how mom raised an autistic kid like me before to be as normal as an autistic kid can be. But growing up with a single mom, I know that she is having a hard time, so I did my best to be good for her, followed everything she said, every rule she set for me, and it worked wonders for me, made my academics smooth as butter.

But now that she is gone, I don't know what to do, I know that I'm set for life, I have an Internship with a big company a house that my mom left for me, and the savings she left, I'm set for life. But how will I live my life from here onwards, knowing that the reason I'm living is already dead, I want to show mom that her son succeed in life, I want her to be proud of what she raised and know that she made me what I am today?

I watched as the room clears, and I'm left alone in the room. It's just me and my tears now, crying helps relieve pain right? I should go home now, go home to the empty house, that I may no longer call home. Home is where we live right? But that house is no longer my home, it's empty, I don't know if I want to live, Am I being suicidal? I don't know, but right now I want this bad feeling to go away, It hurts to think that I'm now alone, just like the people who don't have anyone, just themselves against the world.

I got up clearing the tears in my eyes with a handkerchief from my pocket, I feel shit right now, going home is also a hassle, but then going back to the house is painful, I don't know what to do, I sit in the bench outside the room, and my eyelids fall and I find myself asleep.

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