If I Can't Be Your Wife
Chapter 5
‘What if I had rejected his offer then?’
Kathleen thought whilst in the carriage going to the Empress’ Palace.
No, even if it wasn’t for that, she wouldn’t have regretted it so much if she hadn’t revealed that she couldn’t bear a child.
“Madame, we have arrived.
The coachman said cautiously. Kathleen gathered the hem of her pale blue dress, grabbed it, and went outside.
“Go quickly. Her Majesty, the Empress is waiting for you.”
Today too, the maid from the Empress’s Palace, came to the front door and accompanied Kathleen. As if she thought she was going to run away somewhere.
“I will take the lead.”
She thought she’d gotten used to it, but she was now tired of it. Kathleen followed her with an indifferent look.
“The Duchess of Walten has arrived.”
As soon as the maid’s words ended, the door to the drawing room slammed open.
“Get in now!”
The Empress’ voice rang out loudly. Eek, the handmaiden sneakily glanced at Kathleen.
She was puzzled by the appearance of the Empress, who seemed to be more upset than usual, but she was no longer afraid of this situation. Kathleen walked gently and slightly bent her knee and said her greeting.
“I see Her Majesty, the Empress.”
“You’re so good at carrying such a disgusting face!”
Her wheezing voice and criticism bombarded Kathleen.
“What is this!”
The Empress threw a small bottle in front of Kathleen. The bottle, which rolled onto the floor with a sharp sound, was familiar to Kathleen’s eyes.
“Did you take the contraceptive pill the last time you came to the palace?”
Who brought this to the Empress? Her mind was dizzy.
“No one would’ve held the Empress’ hand within the Duke’s. Why is that here……’
The drug had no actual effect. But even so, she was ashamed that the situation in the private bedroom was exposed.
At the beckoning of the Empress, all the maids withdrew and closed the door. Soon there were only two people left in the drawing room, Kathleen and the Empress.
Even after her health had declined after she gave birth to the Crown Prince, turning half of her hair white, the Empress was still energetic enough and continued to push her.
“What the hell have you been doing! It’s already been a year since you two got married, I thought it was strange that a child hasn’t been conceived yet. If I hadn’t looked into it … it’s clear why!”
“…..”
“Walten, do you know what an insolent thing you have done?”
Kathleen, who had her head bowed, responded slowly, blinking her eyes, slowly making eye contact.
“Yes.”
“W-What?”
The Empress jumped up and grabbed her by the neck.
“Even if Walten wanted it, you should have opposed it! Are you out of your mind? How much longer do I have to wait? The reason I accepted you as a member of the Imperial Family was for the sake of succession. You were the first woman that Walten held, so I accepted you, even though I knew what you were! Even if you have a thick face, you shouldn’t be this impudent!”
Biting the tender flesh in her mouth, Kathleen endured it. It had always been like this so she knew well that it would soon be over with just a little patience.
However….
It was hard to hold back today.
She agreed to become his wife, and as part of her contract, she was to bear with this as well. The shame and hardship of a woman who could not bear a successor was something she had foreseen, and Kathleen certainly accepted them.
It was because she thought it was enough in return for her life to be guaranteed, a warm bed and good food, along with adequate rest.
When she first met the Empress a year ago, she thought it was bearable enough, but as she listened to the constant abusive language, her stomach swelled and she felt nauseous.
‘Why?’
As she clenched her fist, her fingernails pierced the tender flesh of her palm.
She wanted to know, but she couldn’t.
The Empress, who couldn’t hold her anger, pushed Kathleen’s shoulder. She had to kneel and endure, and as always, the endless remarks of the Empress.
Most of the time, killing her emotions and letting the Empress’ tirade go in one ear and out the other was enough. The reason she couldn’t do that today was….
‘I want him to stop her, at least once.’
She let out a laugh. It couldn’t be and she shouldn’t hope so, so why does she keep doing this?
“If you take one more dose of this terrible dr*g, I won’t let it go. Do you understand?”
More than an hour had passed. The Empress was more furious than usual, as if a lot had accumulated, and Kathleen obeyed and had to receive all her anger. But the Empress couldn’t harm her and had to let her go.
“…..Yes. I will keep that in mind.”
“Walten is so cheap, to see a woman like you.”
The Empress, who turned her back, was filled with displeasure. Kathleen pretended not to hear. She staggered as she lifted herself up, bowed to her, and exited the Empress’ Palace.
The maid in the Empress’ court did not follow her.
“Madame. Are you okay?”
The coachman who was surprised to see her appearance asked. Kathleen waved her hand.
“It’s not a big deal. I’m okay.”
“But your face is too pale. You might vomit if you ride the carriage in this state.”
“……Then I will go for a little walk. Wait for a moment.”
Kathleen headed to the outer garden outside the Empress’ Palace alone. The outer garden was a place where any member of the Imperial Family could rest, but was a quiet place because hardly anyone stopped by.
She sat alone at the empty tea table, immersed in her thoughts. No, she struggled with all kinds of thoughts in her mind.
Normally, Emily would have followed her and would have spoken to her, but she had to do something today and couldn’t come with her when she came to the palace. She could have brought other maids, but Kathleen could not easily get along with the others at the Duke’s castle. There was no one who was willing to serve the kitchen maid from the lowest-floor who had now become the master they should serve. She didn’t want to bring such a person around.
“Sister-in-law!”
“Sister-in-law, are you here again today?”
“…… Your Highness the Crown Prince.”
As she hurriedly got up and tried to pay her respects, Prince Peter, waving his hand, approached her and slumped in the seat in front of her.
“You don’t have to do that. Why should there be such courtesy with family?”
The young blonde man, who smiled brightly with no wrinkle, was the youngest child and heir of the Emperor, whom the Empress barely had. The golden eyes that proved that he was of the Imperial Family looked exactly like the Duke of Walten’s, but the brilliant blond hair that seemed to have been made by melting pure gold created a completely different atmosphere.
“You have a dark expression again. Did you come to see Mother?”
“Yes. I had an audience today.”
As she smiled weakly, Peter frowned.
“Sigh… He didn’t come with you again, did he?”
“….”
“With that as an excuse, my mother must have scolded Sister-in-Law about the succession and swore at you again.”
Kathleen neither affirmed nor denied. Peter must have figured it out and let out a long sigh.
“I will apologize on behalf of her.”
“It’s not something Your Highness must apologize for. It’s my fault.”
“Don’t say that. Why is it Sister-in-Law’s fault? If you ask me, it’s my brother’s fault for pretending not to know about this. Everyone condones it, so she keeps catching Sister-in-Law.”
Suddenly, her eyes heated up and tears welled.
“Sister-in-law?”
“Oh… I’m sorry.”
Kathleen was embarrassed by the tears that had burst out unknowingly, he pulled out a handkerchief and held it out.
“Thank you.”
“Huh. If you look closely, Sister-in-Law is like my sister. Rather than hide it, cry as much as you want.”
At those words, she was overcome with uncontrollable sorrow. She buried her face in the handkerchief and sobbed.
Nobody had ever told her it wasn’t her fault that she couldn’t have children. In fact, such consolation wasn’t necessary. But if she were to think of someone who she wanted to hear that from…
‘Alexis Walten.’
She wished it was her husband.
He said that not having children was an important condition for their marriage to happen.
So she knew it was impossible, but why was she so comforted by the words of someone who had eyes like him?
The Crown Prince, who was 16 years old this year and was 12 years younger than the Duke of Walten, was not yet engaged. It was customary to marry at the age of 18 but he was still procrastinating so the Empress, who was getting older each day, must be upset.
“I will tell my mother. The Imperial Family can be succeeded even if it’s not my older brother.”
“In order to do that, you would have to get engaged as soon as possible.”
Kathleen, who had calmed down from his clumsy comforting, smiled faintly and paused to return the damp handkerchief.
“……Oh. The handkerchief.”
“It’s fine. Take it.”
“But.”
“It’s just rolling around in the Imperial Palace. It doesn’t matter. You can go and throw it away.”
The handkerchief embroidered with the Imperial emblem was not something that one could easily say to be rolling around. But Peter always took care of her like this. Kathleen desperately needed a handful of comfort from someone today, and so she received Peter’s favor.
‘I have to give it back.’
She folded the handkerchief and tucked it into the hem of her sleeve. Kathleen decided that she would return it to him next time she comes back to the Imperial Palace.
“It seems that my Sister-in-Law is eagerly waiting for my engagement, so I will have to look for it very diligently from now on. But what about it? It’s not easy to find a suitable girl because my standards are already too high.”
“There are many people in the world who have a lot more to offer than their looks. I hope Your Highness knows that. So that………..”
‘Do I dare say such a thing?’
She hesitated, but Peter smiled and nodded his head. So Kathleen was able to get the words out that had been stuck in her throat. Words that she couldn’t say to her husband.
“That way, your marriage will be happy.”
“I will keep that in mind.”
Peter stood up smiling and held out a hand.
“Shall we go, Sister-in-Law? I shall escort you.”
“……..Thank you.”
Peter, who had always been kind to her, acted just like a real brother. At first, it was embarrassing and unfamiliar, but seeing him act the same way with the Duke of Walten, Kathleen knew that she really wanted to get to know him. Of course, his older brother, the Duke of Walten, often coldly ignored his younger brother.
“Okay, we’re almost there. See you again soon… Ahh. Then Sister-in-Law will have a hard time, so I can’t hope that you will come to the palace again soon.”
Peter smiled slyly, escorted Kathleen to her carriage and closed the door himself.
“I wish I could see you again. Go home safely.”
After telling the coachman to take good care of Kathleen several times, he returned.
Kathleen thought as she watched Peter’s back move away from her window.
‘If it was him…’
The Duke of Walten and the Crown Prince not only had different personalities, but also had a different mother and a large age difference, so they looked quite different.
Peter, who was suited to be called a slender and beautiful handsome boy, and Alexis, a man from the battlefield who had a sharp edge.
Still, she didn’t know why she thought of her husband when she looked at her brother-in-law.
‘Let’s forget it.’
It will be over soon.
Kathleen let out a long sigh and leaned her head against the window. Peter said he wanted to see her again, but now, access to the Imperial Palace will be over.
Once she left the Duchy, there was no reason or need to keep that duty.
Chapter 5: 5
‘What if I had rejected his offer then?’
Kathleen thought whilst in the carriage going to the Empress’ Palace.
No, even if it wasn’t for that, she wouldn’t have regretted it so much if she hadn’t revealed that she couldn’t bear a child.
“Madame, we have arrived.
The coachman said cautiously. Kathleen gathered the hem of her pale blue dress, grabbed it, and went outside.
“Go quickly. Her Majesty, the Empress is waiting for you.”
Today too, the maid from the Empress’s Palace, came to the front door and accompanied Kathleen. As if she thought she was going to run away somewhere.
“I will take the lead.”
She thought she’d gotten used to it, but she was now tired of it. Kathleen followed her with an indifferent look.
“The Duchess of Walten has arrived.”
As soon as the maid’s words ended, the door to the drawing room slammed open.
“Get in now!”
The Empress’ voice rang out loudly. Eek, the handmaiden sneakily glanced at Kathleen.
She was puzzled by the appearance of the Empress, who seemed to be more upset than usual, but she was no longer afraid of this situation. Kathleen walked gently and slightly bent her knee and said her greeting.
“I see Her Majesty, the Empress.”
“You’re so good at carrying such a disgusting face!”
Her wheezing voice and criticism bombarded Kathleen.
“What is this!”
The Empress threw a small bottle in front of Kathleen. The bottle, which rolled onto the floor with a sharp sound, was familiar to Kathleen’s eyes.
Who brought this to the Empress? Her mind was dizzy.
“No one would’ve held the Empress’ hand within the Duke’s. Why is that here……’
The drug had no actual effect. But even so, she was ashamed that the situation in the private bedroom was exposed.
At the beckoning of the Empress, all the maids withdrew and closed the door. Soon there were only two people left in the drawing room, Kathleen and the Empress.
Even after her health had declined after she gave birth to the Crown Prince, turning half of her hair white, the Empress was still energetic enough and continued to push her.
“What the hell have you been doing! It’s already been a year since you two got married, I thought it was strange that a child hasn’t been conceived yet. If I hadn’t looked into it … it’s clear why!”
“…..”
“Walten, do you know what an insolent thing you have done?”
Kathleen, who had her head bowed, responded slowly, blinking her eyes, slowly making eye contact.
“Yes.”
“W-What?”
The Empress jumped up and grabbed her by the neck.
“Even if Walten wanted it, you should have opposed it! Are you out of your mind? How much longer do I have to wait? The reason I accepted you as a member of the Imperial Family was for the sake of succession. You were the first woman that Walten held, so I accepted you, even though I knew what you were! Even if you have a thick face, you shouldn’t be this impudent!”
Biting the tender flesh in her mouth, Kathleen endured it. It had always been like this so she knew well that it would soon be over with just a little patience.
However….
It was hard to hold back today.
She agreed to become his wife, and as part of her contract, she was to bear with this as well. The shame and hardship of a woman who could not bear a successor was something she had foreseen, and Kathleen certainly accepted them.
It was because she thought it was enough in return for her life to be guaranteed, a warm bed and good food, along with adequate rest.
When she first met the Empress a year ago, she thought it was bearable enough, but as she listened to the constant abusive language, her stomach swelled and she felt nauseous.
As she clenched her fist, her fingernails pierced the tender flesh of her palm.
She wanted to know, but she couldn’t.
The Empress, who couldn’t hold her anger, pushed Kathleen’s shoulder. She had to kneel and endure, and as always, the endless remarks of the Empress.
Most of the time, killing her emotions and letting the Empress’ tirade go in one ear and out the other was enough. The reason she couldn’t do that today was….
‘I want him to stop her, at least once.’
She let out a laugh. It couldn’t be and she shouldn’t hope so, so why does she keep doing this?
“If you take one more dose of this terrible dr*g, I won’t let it go. Do you understand?”
More than an hour had passed. The Empress was more furious than usual, as if a lot had accumulated, and Kathleen obeyed and had to receive all her anger. But the Empress couldn’t harm her and had to let her go.
“…..Yes. I will keep that in mind.”
“Walten is so cheap, to see a woman like you.”
The Empress, who turned her back, was filled with displeasure. Kathleen pretended not to hear. She staggered as she lifted herself up, bowed to her, and exited the Empress’ Palace.
The maid in the Empress’ court did not follow her.
“Madame. Are you okay?”
The coachman who was surprised to see her appearance asked. Kathleen waved her hand.
“It’s not a big deal. I’m okay.”
“But your face is too pale. You might vomit if you ride the carriage in this state.”
“……Then I will go for a little walk. Wait for a moment.”
Kathleen headed to the outer garden outside the Empress’ Palace alone. The outer garden was a place where any member of the Imperial Family could rest, but was a quiet place because hardly anyone stopped by.
She sat alone at the empty tea table, immersed in her thoughts. No, she struggled with all kinds of thoughts in her mind.
“Sister-in-law!”
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As she thought about this and that, someone called her happily. Kathleen reflexively looked back at him.“Sister-in-law, are you here again today?”
“…… Your Highness the Crown Prince.”
As she hurriedly got up and tried to pay her respects, Prince Peter, waving his hand, approached her and slumped in the seat in front of her.
“You don’t have to do that. Why should there be such courtesy with family?”
The young blonde man, who smiled brightly with no wrinkle, was the youngest child and heir of the Emperor, whom the Empress barely had. The golden eyes that proved that he was of the Imperial Family looked exactly like the Duke of Walten’s, but the brilliant blond hair that seemed to have been made by melting pure gold created a completely different atmosphere.
“You have a dark expression again. Did you come to see Mother?”
“Yes. I had an audience today.”
As she smiled weakly, Peter frowned.
“Sigh… He didn’t come with you again, did he?”
“….”
“With that as an excuse, my mother must have scolded Sister-in-Law about the succession and swore at you again.”
Kathleen neither affirmed nor denied. Peter must have figured it out and let out a long sigh.
“I will apologize on behalf of her.”
“It’s not something Your Highness must apologize for. It’s my fault.”
“Don’t say that. Why is it Sister-in-Law’s fault? If you ask me, it’s my brother’s fault for pretending not to know about this. Everyone condones it, so she keeps catching Sister-in-Law.”
Suddenly, her eyes heated up and tears welled.
“Sister-in-law?”
Kathleen was embarrassed by the tears that had burst out unknowingly, he pulled out a handkerchief and held it out.
“Thank you.”
“Huh. If you look closely, Sister-in-Law is like my sister. Rather than hide it, cry as much as you want.”
At those words, she was overcome with uncontrollable sorrow. She buried her face in the handkerchief and sobbed.
Nobody had ever told her it wasn’t her fault that she couldn’t have children. In fact, such consolation wasn’t necessary. But if she were to think of someone who she wanted to hear that from…
‘Alexis Walten.’
She wished it was her husband.
He said that not having children was an important condition for their marriage to happen.
So she knew it was impossible, but why was she so comforted by the words of someone who had eyes like him?
The Crown Prince, who was 16 years old this year and was 12 years younger than the Duke of Walten, was not yet engaged. It was customary to marry at the age of 18 but he was still procrastinating so the Empress, who was getting older each day, must be upset.
“I will tell my mother. The Imperial Family can be succeeded even if it’s not my older brother.”
“In order to do that, you would have to get engaged as soon as possible.”
Kathleen, who had calmed down from his clumsy comforting, smiled faintly and paused to return the damp handkerchief.
“……Oh. The handkerchief.”
“It’s fine. Take it.”
“But.”
“It’s just rolling around in the Imperial Palace. It doesn’t matter. You can go and throw it away.”
The handkerchief embroidered with the Imperial emblem was not something that one could easily say to be rolling around. But Peter always took care of her like this. Kathleen desperately needed a handful of comfort from someone today, and so she received Peter’s favor.
‘I have to give it back.’
“It seems that my Sister-in-Law is eagerly waiting for my engagement, so I will have to look for it very diligently from now on. But what about it? It’s not easy to find a suitable girl because my standards are already too high.”
“There are many people in the world who have a lot more to offer than their looks. I hope Your Highness knows that. So that………..”
‘Do I dare say such a thing?’
She hesitated, but Peter smiled and nodded his head. So Kathleen was able to get the words out that had been stuck in her throat. Words that she couldn’t say to her husband.
“That way, your marriage will be happy.”
“I will keep that in mind.”
Peter stood up smiling and held out a hand.
“Shall we go, Sister-in-Law? I shall escort you.”
“……..Thank you.”
Peter, who had always been kind to her, acted just like a real brother. At first, it was embarrassing and unfamiliar, but seeing him act the same way with the Duke of Walten, Kathleen knew that she really wanted to get to know him. Of course, his older brother, the Duke of Walten, often coldly ignored his younger brother.
“Okay, we’re almost there. See you again soon… Ahh. Then Sister-in-Law will have a hard time, so I can’t hope that you will come to the palace again soon.”
Peter smiled slyly, escorted Kathleen to her carriage and closed the door himself.
“I wish I could see you again. Go home safely.”
After telling the coachman to take good care of Kathleen several times, he returned.
Kathleen thought as she watched Peter’s back move away from her window.
‘If it was him…’
The Duke of Walten and the Crown Prince not only had different personalities, but also had a different mother and a large age difference, so they looked quite different.
Peter, who was suited to be called a slender and beautiful handsome boy, and Alexis, a man from the battlefield who had a sharp edge.
Still, she didn’t know why she thought of her husband when she looked at her brother-in-law.
It will be over soon.
Kathleen let out a long sigh and leaned her head against the window. Peter said he wanted to see her again, but now, access to the Imperial Palace will be over.
Once she left the Duchy, there was no reason or need to keep that duty.
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