If I Can't Be Your Wife
***
***
Despite the subsequent refusal, Alexis went to see Kathleen relentlessly. Most of the time, he would bring presents, but sometimes he would just look at the child with unfamiliar eyes. Each time it happened, Kathleen felt her chest quiver.
“They said he doesn’t plan to go out for the time being.”
Emily recounted the Duke of Walten’s current schedule, which she found out through Alsdorf.
“He doesn’t attend imperial court meetings and he also entrusted Viscount Rylent with the inspection of the local estates.”
As Kathleen glanced at the luscious fruits in the black paper box, she closed the lid and retied the red ribbon she had loosened.
“Bring this to the kitchen.”
“Yes. Shall I have the kitchen staff wash them and bring it later for the young master as a snack?”
“No. Tell them to do whatever they want with it.”
“But… It’s a gift from the master.”
The orange-colored, golden fruit was called loquat, and it was a fruit that was hard to find in Meyer or anywhere in Trivellian. Since there were only a few trees growing in the southern part of the continent, the fruit was difficult to obtain. It was also soft and perishable, so it cost a lot of material and labor to transport them undamaged.
There was a look of regret in Emily’s eyes as she fiddled with the box. She persuaded Kathleen, thinking that if she let the kitchen do what they wish with the precious fruits, the chef would just take them all.
“If you don’t want to eat it right now, how about making it into liquor or tea? Or if we dry them and hang them by the window, it would smell good.”
“Then you take them.”
“Pardon?”
“That would be better than throwing them away.”
Kathleen, who turned her gaze away indifferently, got up after stroking the head of her napping child.
“I’m going to the library.”
“Let’s go together, Madame. If you tell me the book you’re looking for, I’ll bring it to you. It must be a hassle having to keep going back and forth between the library and the bedroom.”
“No. It’s just like going for a walk.”
Emily was worried for her, having to go up and down the library on the first floor several times a day. However, Kathleen eventually still left the bedroom alone.
Alexis’ bedroom was also on the third floor like hers, and his office was on the second floor. Kathleen chose the stairs on the opposite side of his bedroom, as she always did, and went down.
The book about flora and fauna native to all continents literally described all the animals and plants that existed in the world. Unfortunately, the print was so small that it took quite a while to read just one page. There was also no separate explanation for the southern scorpion that Peter spoke of. So, Kathleen was in the process of reading through all the passages in which the scorpion was described.
‘Is it possible for a person to have paralyzed emotions?’
Kathleen sat down on the sofa and thought about Peter’s words deeply, tossing another book with rough illustrations nearby.
If his emotions became weak due to exposure to the poison from an early age, he would have shown the exact attitude towards everyone.
‘Not to me.’
Asking someone who couldn’t bear children to try to give birth to an heir was not acting apathetically. He clearly knew what to say to effectively hurt her. He wouldn’t have said that unless he wanted to get rid of her. Besides, the woman’s moans from the western hunting grounds were still vivid in her ears.
The day their child was conceived, he held her as if he was giving alms to someone who was grabbing onto his feet. On the other hand, he embraced the other woman despite her repeated refusal. Whenever Kathleen was reminded of that, she would shudder in misery.
She had to know the truth. As Peter said, the southern scorpion’s venom ruined his body. Once she was able to prove that he was ridiculing her, hiding behind the excuse of being poisoned, she would finally be able to leave the mansion with ease.
As soon as she turned the paper, the door to the library opened and Alexis entered. Kathleen regretted not locking the door, and she quickly closed her book and turned it over to hide the title.
“Kathleen.”
Alexis’ voice sounded somewhat impatient. Kathleen opened another book she had brought as a cover and placed it on her lap. But he soon grabbed her wrist.
“The loquat, didn’t you know I sent them?”
The packaging had a red ribbon, the official color of the duke. If you didn’t know who it was from, you were either ignorant or st*pid. He must have guessed it, but he still asked. As if he was wishing it wasn’t the case.
“Or did Emily hide the fruits from you?”
“What do you mean?”
“I am asking if your maidservant took the Duchess’ gift without permission.”
A sense of betrayal emanated from the blazing gold eyes that almost made her flinch when she looked up. Kathleen quietly stood up. When their eye level came close enough, the grip on her wrist loosened and she became free.
“I gave them to her.”
“What?”
“I don’t need them. Emily wanted to make loquat liquor or tea, so I gave them to her.”
“I sent them to you!”
His shout echoed through the library that had high ceilings. Ironically, Kathleen was quite pleased with Alexis’ infuriated face and the fact that the person who started the ripple was her.
“Why?”
But Alexis changed again in an instant. He did not forcefully turn her around like before, but rather asked as if pleading.
“Why did you throw them away when you knew they were a gift from me?”
“I told you. I didn’t need them.”
“Did you throw away all the presents I sent you so far?”
“I organized everything you sent me. You can check them whenever you want.”
“Kathleen.”
The hands of Duke Walten, who had slipped, grabbed Kathleen’s hand that had been clasped together.
“It is yours. It’s all yours.”
“None of the things in this mansion belong to me, Duke.”
Just like in the past.
He asked, almost in a whisper, while his body trembled and shrunk.
“Just like when you left with only your worn-out bag?”
“I only took what belonged to me.”
“I told you I’d give you everything, money, jewels, rights. Why didn’t you bring anything?”
At that time, Alexis said that the only thing he wouldn’t give her was an heir.
Kathleen thought that in a way, she had left and found the one thing she couldn’t have in Walten. She said.
Kathleen pushed him away.
“I want to end this wasteful argument.”
Being thrilled and excited from being held by him was a thing of the past.
“Then, are you saying you won’t take anything and will leave empty-handed again?”
Alexis was not pushed away. Instead he sat her down on the sofa and asked her impatiently.
“Answer me. If you get a chance to do that, I’m asking if you will leave like that again.”
“I’ve said it before. I will leave once the Duke loses interest.”
“Please. Kathleen.”
He called out in what sounded like a dying voice and fell to his knees.
“If you don’t like jewelry, dresses, perfume, flowers, and fruits, what should I give you? Huh? Please tell me.”
“…..”
“Should I send more things for the child? He already has the best clothes. How about toys? Picture books…”
“Duke, you are free to give gifts.”
Kathleen awakened him to the truth.
“I didn’t tell you to stop. As long as I’m here in Walten, you can do whatever you want. Whether it’s filling the bedroom with dresses, or scattering jewels and flowers on the stairs. I’m not going to keep them.”
Even after a long time had passed, the hands clasping Kathleen’s did not lose strength.
“How much longer should I wait?”
“Please continue to wait.”
He asked her softly.
No, he must convince her to wait. Alexis firmly believed that she would eventually cast a string of hope out to him.
“I guess I am now much more valuable to the Duke than the person I was in the past.”
However, the docile woman Kathleen once was, who would have kept still and turned a blind eye to even a mistress, was long gone.
The time she thirsted for affection that would never be reciprocated was painful, but she now knew that she could live without him.
“But I don’t want to go back to that time.”
“No.”
He hurriedly changed his words.
“You don’t have to go back to the old days. I won’t even ask you to forget. Just stay by my side. It’s okay if you do not feel the same way about me anymore.”
For some unknown reason, her stomach grew hot. Kathleen pushed his hand away and stood up from her seat.
“Please leave now.”
She picked up the scattered books and waited, carrying them in her arms, but Alexis still sat with his knees touching the floor.
“The Duke doesn’t seem to want to leave, so I will.”
She walked slowly and left the library. Even then, Alexis had not stood up or followed.
The door slowly closed behind her. The book weighed heavily in her arms, but she did not wish to return to the library. She impulsively turned away. She was going to finish reading the book in the garden.
“Ah…….”
As soon as she walked out of the back door of the main building, Kathleen ran into someone.
“Duchess.”
The red-haired woman awkwardly clasped her skirt and greeted her, the one who left a strong impression on Kathleen, even though she had only met her once.
“Hello?”
Her eyes widened for a moment. Something like a sense of loss passed through her.
Her clothes were still those of a commoner. She didn’t seem to have changed from a few years ago. It didn’t look like her status or wealth had changed much either.
It was impossible for commoners to easily leave and enter Walten without the permission of the duke. Moreover, since she was not a maid, it was impossible to know the back door of the main building as a simple visitor.
Was he still meeting her all this time? Even after she has returned, she still came here. He secretly covered her eyes from the truth by sending various gifts…….
‘Poison is a good excuse.’
Kathleen already expected this and yet she realized that she was unconsciously trying to lean on Peter’s words.
Despair flooded in. A corner of her chest felt empty. She had already known about it since long ago, so why was she feeling this way?
‘It doesn’t matter now.’
Such emotions were no longer needed. She pulled the books closer to her chest and hugged them like a shield.
“It’s been a while, Edith.”
“Do you remember me?”
“Yes.”
Kathleen briefly replied and quickly brushed past her. She was all of a sudden engulfed by the urge to throw all the books she was holding in her arms. She wanted to stop being dragged around from being the protagonist of this puppet show. Perhaps she could now finally leave the Duke’s residence with Luci and go North…..
“Wait!”
Edith ran to her, her red hair fluttering in the wind.
“Hold on, Madame. Please wait!”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
Kathleen looked at the woman standing in front of her. Edith gasped as she caught her breath and said quickly.
“I have something to tell you. It’s about the Duke.”
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“Isn’t there a reason why Edith came here? I don’t think I need to hear it. Go and do your business.”
Her arm was grabbed just as she was about to step away from her and enter the garden. Edith said forcefully.
“You must listen. I’m going to tell the Duchess why I’m here.”
Chapter 56: 56
***
Despite the subsequent refusal, Alexis went to see Kathleen relentlessly. Most of the time, he would bring presents, but sometimes he would just look at the child with unfamiliar eyes. Each time it happened, Kathleen felt her chest quiver.
“They said he doesn’t plan to go out for the time being.”
Emily recounted the Duke of Walten’s current schedule, which she found out through Alsdorf.
“He doesn’t attend imperial court meetings and he also entrusted Viscount Rylent with the inspection of the local estates.”
As Kathleen glanced at the luscious fruits in the black paper box, she closed the lid and retied the red ribbon she had loosened.
“Bring this to the kitchen.”
“Yes. Shall I have the kitchen staff wash them and bring it later for the young master as a snack?”
“No. Tell them to do whatever they want with it.”
“But… It’s a gift from the master.”
The orange-colored, golden fruit was called loquat, and it was a fruit that was hard to find in Meyer or anywhere in Trivellian. Since there were only a few trees growing in the southern part of the continent, the fruit was difficult to obtain. It was also soft and perishable, so it cost a lot of material and labor to transport them undamaged.
There was a look of regret in Emily’s eyes as she fiddled with the box. She persuaded Kathleen, thinking that if she let the kitchen do what they wish with the precious fruits, the chef would just take them all.
“If you don’t want to eat it right now, how about making it into liquor or tea? Or if we dry them and hang them by the window, it would smell good.”
“Then you take them.”
“Pardon?”
“That would be better than throwing them away.”
Kathleen, who turned her gaze away indifferently, got up after stroking the head of her napping child.
“I’m going to the library.”
“Let’s go together, Madame. If you tell me the book you’re looking for, I’ll bring it to you. It must be a hassle having to keep going back and forth between the library and the bedroom.”
Emily was worried for her, having to go up and down the library on the first floor several times a day. However, Kathleen eventually still left the bedroom alone.
Alexis’ bedroom was also on the third floor like hers, and his office was on the second floor. Kathleen chose the stairs on the opposite side of his bedroom, as she always did, and went down.
The book about flora and fauna native to all continents literally described all the animals and plants that existed in the world. Unfortunately, the print was so small that it took quite a while to read just one page. There was also no separate explanation for the southern scorpion that Peter spoke of. So, Kathleen was in the process of reading through all the passages in which the scorpion was described.
‘Is it possible for a person to have paralyzed emotions?’
Kathleen sat down on the sofa and thought about Peter’s words deeply, tossing another book with rough illustrations nearby.
If his emotions became weak due to exposure to the poison from an early age, he would have shown the exact attitude towards everyone.
‘Not to me.’
Asking someone who couldn’t bear children to try to give birth to an heir was not acting apathetically. He clearly knew what to say to effectively hurt her. He wouldn’t have said that unless he wanted to get rid of her. Besides, the woman’s moans from the western hunting grounds were still vivid in her ears.
The day their child was conceived, he held her as if he was giving alms to someone who was grabbing onto his feet. On the other hand, he embraced the other woman despite her repeated refusal. Whenever Kathleen was reminded of that, she would shudder in misery.
She had to know the truth. As Peter said, the southern scorpion’s venom ruined his body. Once she was able to prove that he was ridiculing her, hiding behind the excuse of being poisoned, she would finally be able to leave the mansion with ease.
As soon as she turned the paper, the door to the library opened and Alexis entered. Kathleen regretted not locking the door, and she quickly closed her book and turned it over to hide the title.
“Kathleen.”
Alexis’ voice sounded somewhat impatient. Kathleen opened another book she had brought as a cover and placed it on her lap. But he soon grabbed her wrist.
“The loquat, didn’t you know I sent them?”
The packaging had a red ribbon, the official color of the duke. If you didn’t know who it was from, you were either ignorant or st*pid. He must have guessed it, but he still asked. As if he was wishing it wasn’t the case.
“Or did Emily hide the fruits from you?”
“What do you mean?”
“I am asking if your maidservant took the Duchess’ gift without permission.”
A sense of betrayal emanated from the blazing gold eyes that almost made her flinch when she looked up. Kathleen quietly stood up. When their eye level came close enough, the grip on her wrist loosened and she became free.
“What?”
“I don’t need them. Emily wanted to make loquat liquor or tea, so I gave them to her.”
“I sent them to you!”
His shout echoed through the library that had high ceilings. Ironically, Kathleen was quite pleased with Alexis’ infuriated face and the fact that the person who started the ripple was her.
“Why?”
But Alexis changed again in an instant. He did not forcefully turn her around like before, but rather asked as if pleading.
“Why did you throw them away when you knew they were a gift from me?”
“I told you. I didn’t need them.”
“Did you throw away all the presents I sent you so far?”
“I organized everything you sent me. You can check them whenever you want.”
“Kathleen.”
The hands of Duke Walten, who had slipped, grabbed Kathleen’s hand that had been clasped together.
“It is yours. It’s all yours.”
“None of the things in this mansion belong to me, Duke.”
Just like in the past.
He asked, almost in a whisper, while his body trembled and shrunk.
“Just like when you left with only your worn-out bag?”
“I only took what belonged to me.”
“I told you I’d give you everything, money, jewels, rights. Why didn’t you bring anything?”
Kathleen thought that in a way, she had left and found the one thing she couldn’t have in Walten. She said.
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“I took everything I needed.”Kathleen pushed him away.
“I want to end this wasteful argument.”
Being thrilled and excited from being held by him was a thing of the past.
“Then, are you saying you won’t take anything and will leave empty-handed again?”
Alexis was not pushed away. Instead he sat her down on the sofa and asked her impatiently.
“Answer me. If you get a chance to do that, I’m asking if you will leave like that again.”
“I’ve said it before. I will leave once the Duke loses interest.”
“Please. Kathleen.”
He called out in what sounded like a dying voice and fell to his knees.
“If you don’t like jewelry, dresses, perfume, flowers, and fruits, what should I give you? Huh? Please tell me.”
“…..”
“Should I send more things for the child? He already has the best clothes. How about toys? Picture books…”
“Duke, you are free to give gifts.”
Kathleen awakened him to the truth.
“I didn’t tell you to stop. As long as I’m here in Walten, you can do whatever you want. Whether it’s filling the bedroom with dresses, or scattering jewels and flowers on the stairs. I’m not going to keep them.”
Even after a long time had passed, the hands clasping Kathleen’s did not lose strength.
“How much longer should I wait?”
He asked her softly.
No, he must convince her to wait. Alexis firmly believed that she would eventually cast a string of hope out to him.
“I guess I am now much more valuable to the Duke than the person I was in the past.”
However, the docile woman Kathleen once was, who would have kept still and turned a blind eye to even a mistress, was long gone.
The time she thirsted for affection that would never be reciprocated was painful, but she now knew that she could live without him.
“But I don’t want to go back to that time.”
“No.”
He hurriedly changed his words.
“You don’t have to go back to the old days. I won’t even ask you to forget. Just stay by my side. It’s okay if you do not feel the same way about me anymore.”
For some unknown reason, her stomach grew hot. Kathleen pushed his hand away and stood up from her seat.
“Please leave now.”
She picked up the scattered books and waited, carrying them in her arms, but Alexis still sat with his knees touching the floor.
“The Duke doesn’t seem to want to leave, so I will.”
She walked slowly and left the library. Even then, Alexis had not stood up or followed.
The door slowly closed behind her. The book weighed heavily in her arms, but she did not wish to return to the library. She impulsively turned away. She was going to finish reading the book in the garden.
“Ah…….”
As soon as she walked out of the back door of the main building, Kathleen ran into someone.
“Duchess.”
The red-haired woman awkwardly clasped her skirt and greeted her, the one who left a strong impression on Kathleen, even though she had only met her once.
Her eyes widened for a moment. Something like a sense of loss passed through her.
Her clothes were still those of a commoner. She didn’t seem to have changed from a few years ago. It didn’t look like her status or wealth had changed much either.
It was impossible for commoners to easily leave and enter Walten without the permission of the duke. Moreover, since she was not a maid, it was impossible to know the back door of the main building as a simple visitor.
Was he still meeting her all this time? Even after she has returned, she still came here. He secretly covered her eyes from the truth by sending various gifts…….
‘Poison is a good excuse.’
Kathleen already expected this and yet she realized that she was unconsciously trying to lean on Peter’s words.
Despair flooded in. A corner of her chest felt empty. She had already known about it since long ago, so why was she feeling this way?
‘It doesn’t matter now.’
Such emotions were no longer needed. She pulled the books closer to her chest and hugged them like a shield.
“It’s been a while, Edith.”
“Do you remember me?”
“Yes.”
Kathleen briefly replied and quickly brushed past her. She was all of a sudden engulfed by the urge to throw all the books she was holding in her arms. She wanted to stop being dragged around from being the protagonist of this puppet show. Perhaps she could now finally leave the Duke’s residence with Luci and go North…..
“Wait!”
Edith ran to her, her red hair fluttering in the wind.
“Hold on, Madame. Please wait!”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
Kathleen looked at the woman standing in front of her. Edith gasped as she caught her breath and said quickly.
“I have something to tell you. It’s about the Duke.”
“Isn’t there a reason why Edith came here? I don’t think I need to hear it. Go and do your business.”
Her arm was grabbed just as she was about to step away from her and enter the garden. Edith said forcefully.
“You must listen. I’m going to tell the Duchess why I’m here.”
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