If I Can't Be Your Wife
Kathleen pushed the book to a corner and stood up.
“What are you doing at this hour?”
She pretended to be calm on the outside, but her heart was quickly pounding. Perhaps he had heard that Edith had come? Maybe he would be mad that she has been quietly looking into the secrets that he had been trying to hide. A lot of thoughts ran through her mind.
“Just.”
She didn’t turn on the lights so the surroundings were dark. His voice, falling lower due to the silence in the bedroom, sounded strangely dangerous.
“I just came to see you.”
“I’m a little tired today. If you don’t have anything important to say, come back tomorrow……”
She was afraid that her sudden discovery would be revealed by her complicated feelings. So, just as she was about to politely decline, Alexis suddenly approached.
His tight arms pulled her back in an instant, and she was locked in his arms. He held her shoulders and dropped his head as if he was hugging her.
“Actually, I’m here to make sure you’re here.”
“…..”
“Even though I know you didn’t leave, I wanted to check with my own eyes. I was going to leave right after I saw you… but after seeing you, I wanted to make sure you weren’t an illusion.”
The words that followed his excuses were as desperate as if they were words begging for her forgiveness. Kathleen looked down as she pushed his arm and she noticed.
The arm that was holding her was trembling ever so slightly. Even the sound of his heart as he held her close tightly in his arms was irregular.
She lost strength in the hand that was holding the hem of his sleeve.
‘I don’t know anymore.’
Edith’s words were plausible. She had read the effects of the southern scorpion venom in the book. Still, she couldn’t fully trust him.
Was it really because of poison that he couldn’t express his feelings for her? Or did he use the poison as an excuse to rationalize his indifference in the past, making him believe that regret was love?
It was hard to judge. In addition, the truth told by other people did not have that much value.
“The Duke said that he seems to love me.”
Kathleen asked impulsively.
“Since when?”
The answer didn’t come right away. Kathleen asked once more.
“How did you come to love me?”
Then Alexis pulled her out of his arms and looked down at her quietly. His eyes, which used to be only cold, now looked somewhat sad.
“If I can’t explain it, will you not believe me?”
“I won’t believe it either way. I just want to know.”
Kathleen wanted him to be honest with her just once. If that was the case, she thought she would at least be able to understand, even if it wasn’t forgiveness.
“You’re saying you’ll listen.”
Alexis smiled and sat down on the chair opposite her. Fortunately, he didn’t seem to have seen the book that had been put away in the corner.
“It was because of your eyes.”
“…Eyes?”
It wasn’t a common color but neither was it rare. Although light blue eyes like Kathleen’s were seldom seen, blue eyes themselves could be easily found on both nobles and commoners.
“Yes. When I was imprisoned in the Imperial Palace, the only person who helped me had blue eyes. Just like yours, light blue.”
His voice had a distant feel, like a dream, as he traced distant memories.
“We only talked for a short time, but in return, the woman was taken away by the Empress. I couldn’t find out what happened after that, even when I looked for her after becoming a duke.”
The past she heard was unexpectedly quite different from the story that Edith had told her. Few people knew about his days before he received the Walten name, so Kathleen was the first to hear about it.
“She seemed to be a maid of some nobleman, but I couldn’t figure out who she was. It was understandable. At that time, many nobles came and went to the Empress Palace. Besides, who would remember a maid?”
Alexis had a point. Kathleen asked cautiously.
“Was she really a maid of a nobleman, not a person in the Imperial Palace?”
“If she was a member of the Imperial Palace, she wouldn’t have helped me. Because the Empress wouldn’t have let her go.”
The firm answer added possibility to her conjecture. She couldn’t be sure, but her mind was complicated.
Kathleen knew what life was like for her mother, who passed away shortly after she gave birth to her.
She became a prisoner of Count Winston and lived as an unwanted mistress, then she became a maid when he married and took in his wife. She did a lot of dirty work, and even while she was with child, she had to serve the Count.
“So when you first came into Walten, you caught my eyes.”
Kathleen, who was tracing her forgotten memories, returned to the present moment in an instant when he confessed to her. Her mind became clear as if cold water had been poured on her.
“Back then, I didn’t know why. Even after a long time. Why did you keep catching my eyes and why did every word and action from you bothered me? Then I realized it only after you left. Maybe it was love.”
“…..”
“Give me a chance.”
He spoke as if pleading, reaching out in the dark. He whispered as he brushed the hand he finally found.
“I don’t want to lose you again. Like I lost my mother. Like when I let the person who reached out to me get dragged away. I can’t let you go. So give me one more chance. A chance to find you.”
Alexis caressed her cheek and spit out words as if he was out of breath. Desperately confirming that she wasn’t an illusion.
“Please.”
Kathleen looked down at the man who descended to his feet, begging.
Her mind felt strange.
He was the man who left her alone in the world and threw a dagger at her while turning away coldly. Even knowing that, she would have been willing to throw her whole body at him, and would have been happy to have a share of even just a tiny piece. She was resentful that half of the blood flowing in her child belonged to Alexis Walten, but at the same time she felt it pitiful. It seemed like because of her, the love of his father couldn’t be passed on to her child.
But when she gave up everything and turned around, she didn’t know how far she had to go, to accept the man who came back.
She wasn’t sure if her original feelings would ever come back.
Kathleen, forcing to calm her agitated heart, gently pulled out her hand.
“It’s late at night.”
“Kathleen.”
“I will consider what you said.”
With a firm gesture, Alexis backed away slowly. As he turned slowly, his shoulders looked different than before, so Kathleen struggled for a moment.
‘Are you drinking the medicine properly?’
Eventually, when he reached the bedroom door, Kathleen hesitantly called him.
“Duke. Maybe, I……”
But as soon as the words came out of her mouth, she immediately regretted it. If she showed that she knows about him being poisoned, Edith and the others would be in trouble. She took her words back.
“…….Nothing. Go.”
Even at the end of her awkwardly hazy words, he didn’t ask what she was trying to say.
“It’s windy, so close the window and go to sleep.”
As if he remembered the memory of that time, he left the bedroom with those parting words. She looked at the window and saw that it was still tightly closed. Kathleen thought, fiddling with the lock on the window.
At least, the Alexis Walten she met tonight was more honest than ever.
***
The security in the duke’s residence was further strengthened.
Not only were additional personnel guarding the front door organized, but all documents circulating inside were thoroughly inspected.
As a result, an administrative task that was not previously present was added.
Invitations from the social circles, which were sent to the duchess as the recipient, were always returned without signs of the envelope being opened. However, the maid still checked whether the number matched the total count of the letters that went up to the bedroom one by one, and also to see if there was any special content. Then, at sunset, the situation would be reported to the butler.
“Nothing was worth reporting.”
“Okay.”
Alexis motioned for him to leave. The old butler Alsdorf asked cautiously.
“But, Your Grace, what about Miss Edith? Last time she visited, she had to go back again, so I think we should call her in.”
“Just let her leave the medicine and don’t call her. Viscount Rylent will take care of it.”
“But Dr. Cabel is also very concerned. If another unexpected symptom develops.”
“Do you want Kathleen to know that I’m a sick b*st*rd?”
“Your Grace….”
He was sure that Priest Joseph was fine without any kind of disease. If there was even a slight injury, he would be able to take care of himself.
For Kathleen, he was already far below Joseph. He would never want to reveal a side of him that would widen the distance.
“Don’t do anything troublesome. I’ve been fine until now.”
“……Yes, I understand.”
“Get out of here.”
Alsdorf bowed his head and stepped back. As soon as he left, Alexis compulsively tapped his wrist and felt for his pulse. Fortunately, it was normal.
He let out a long sigh and rolled the curtains to check the time. It was already night.
‘Shall I go back again?’
He went to see the child for a while during the day. No, to be precise, he wasn’t going to see the child, he was going to see Kathleen. He became anxious at the thought that she might have received a message and was preparing to run away, so he kept hovering around her. Luckily, there was no sign of that, but after the confession that night, there was no reaction, which made him even more on edge. In this situation, watching the child growing day by day was a good excuse.
The boy who shared the same eyes as Kathleen would give him a friendly smile, and oddly enough, welcomed him. Kathleen was the type of person who couldn’t force herself to take away even her child’s favorite things. Therefore, she couldn’t block her child who was crawling towards him.
‘I just need to see if you’re sleeping properly.’
Alexis quickly left the office and went up to the third floor then glanced at the other end of the hallway. In his heart, he wanted to go see Kathleen, but he was afraid to face the hatred in her eyes as she looked at him without a word. He untied the collar of his shirt and headed to the bedroom where Luci was sleeping.
He pushed through the open door, and when he entered, the candle was still lit. Emily, who had been looking over the crib, turned around with an exhausted face and stood straight in shock.
“Master?”
“The child?”
“That’s-.”
As she stepped away with an awkward expression, he saw Luci wriggling around with his big eyes wide open.
“He isn’t sleeping yet because he took a lot of naps.”
Meanwhile, the boy stood up with his short, chubby legs while grabbing the crib’s railing and babbled. He certainly didn’t look like he was going to sleep any time soon.
“Daddy!” [Appa]
Luci, who recognized Alexis, shouted warmly and stretched one of his arms between the grates and waved them up and down.
Alexis said as he walked over and held the child up.
“I’ll take him out for a while. It doesn’t look like he’s going to sleep soon.”
“Th-That’s true, but……”
“Don’t tell Kathleen.”
“I understand.”
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Leaving the bedroom, he supported the child’s back with one of his arms and went down the stairs. The child clung around his neck, grunting gladly for the unexpected outing.
‘You’ll be a year old next month.’
He was very happy to have the child who recognized him as a father in his arms.
Chapter 58: 58
“What are you doing at this hour?”
She pretended to be calm on the outside, but her heart was quickly pounding. Perhaps he had heard that Edith had come? Maybe he would be mad that she has been quietly looking into the secrets that he had been trying to hide. A lot of thoughts ran through her mind.
“Just.”
She didn’t turn on the lights so the surroundings were dark. His voice, falling lower due to the silence in the bedroom, sounded strangely dangerous.
“I just came to see you.”
“I’m a little tired today. If you don’t have anything important to say, come back tomorrow……”
She was afraid that her sudden discovery would be revealed by her complicated feelings. So, just as she was about to politely decline, Alexis suddenly approached.
His tight arms pulled her back in an instant, and she was locked in his arms. He held her shoulders and dropped his head as if he was hugging her.
“Actually, I’m here to make sure you’re here.”
“…..”
“Even though I know you didn’t leave, I wanted to check with my own eyes. I was going to leave right after I saw you… but after seeing you, I wanted to make sure you weren’t an illusion.”
The words that followed his excuses were as desperate as if they were words begging for her forgiveness. Kathleen looked down as she pushed his arm and she noticed.
The arm that was holding her was trembling ever so slightly. Even the sound of his heart as he held her close tightly in his arms was irregular.
She lost strength in the hand that was holding the hem of his sleeve.
‘I don’t know anymore.’
Edith’s words were plausible. She had read the effects of the southern scorpion venom in the book. Still, she couldn’t fully trust him.
Was it really because of poison that he couldn’t express his feelings for her? Or did he use the poison as an excuse to rationalize his indifference in the past, making him believe that regret was love?
It was hard to judge. In addition, the truth told by other people did not have that much value.
“The Duke said that he seems to love me.”
“Since when?”
The answer didn’t come right away. Kathleen asked once more.
“How did you come to love me?”
Then Alexis pulled her out of his arms and looked down at her quietly. His eyes, which used to be only cold, now looked somewhat sad.
“If I can’t explain it, will you not believe me?”
“I won’t believe it either way. I just want to know.”
Kathleen wanted him to be honest with her just once. If that was the case, she thought she would at least be able to understand, even if it wasn’t forgiveness.
“You’re saying you’ll listen.”
Alexis smiled and sat down on the chair opposite her. Fortunately, he didn’t seem to have seen the book that had been put away in the corner.
“It was because of your eyes.”
“…Eyes?”
It wasn’t a common color but neither was it rare. Although light blue eyes like Kathleen’s were seldom seen, blue eyes themselves could be easily found on both nobles and commoners.
“Yes. When I was imprisoned in the Imperial Palace, the only person who helped me had blue eyes. Just like yours, light blue.”
His voice had a distant feel, like a dream, as he traced distant memories.
“We only talked for a short time, but in return, the woman was taken away by the Empress. I couldn’t find out what happened after that, even when I looked for her after becoming a duke.”
The past she heard was unexpectedly quite different from the story that Edith had told her. Few people knew about his days before he received the Walten name, so Kathleen was the first to hear about it.
“She seemed to be a maid of some nobleman, but I couldn’t figure out who she was. It was understandable. At that time, many nobles came and went to the Empress Palace. Besides, who would remember a maid?”
Alexis had a point. Kathleen asked cautiously.
“Was she really a maid of a nobleman, not a person in the Imperial Palace?”
The firm answer added possibility to her conjecture. She couldn’t be sure, but her mind was complicated.
Kathleen knew what life was like for her mother, who passed away shortly after she gave birth to her.
She became a prisoner of Count Winston and lived as an unwanted mistress, then she became a maid when he married and took in his wife. She did a lot of dirty work, and even while she was with child, she had to serve the Count.
“So when you first came into Walten, you caught my eyes.”
Kathleen, who was tracing her forgotten memories, returned to the present moment in an instant when he confessed to her. Her mind became clear as if cold water had been poured on her.
“Back then, I didn’t know why. Even after a long time. Why did you keep catching my eyes and why did every word and action from you bothered me? Then I realized it only after you left. Maybe it was love.”
“…..”
“Give me a chance.”
He spoke as if pleading, reaching out in the dark. He whispered as he brushed the hand he finally found.
“I don’t want to lose you again. Like I lost my mother. Like when I let the person who reached out to me get dragged away. I can’t let you go. So give me one more chance. A chance to find you.”
Alexis caressed her cheek and spit out words as if he was out of breath. Desperately confirming that she wasn’t an illusion.
“Please.”
Kathleen looked down at the man who descended to his feet, begging.
Her mind felt strange.
He was the man who left her alone in the world and threw a dagger at her while turning away coldly. Even knowing that, she would have been willing to throw her whole body at him, and would have been happy to have a share of even just a tiny piece. She was resentful that half of the blood flowing in her child belonged to Alexis Walten, but at the same time she felt it pitiful. It seemed like because of her, the love of his father couldn’t be passed on to her child.
But when she gave up everything and turned around, she didn’t know how far she had to go, to accept the man who came back.
She wasn’t sure if her original feelings would ever come back.
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“Go back first.”Kathleen, forcing to calm her agitated heart, gently pulled out her hand.
“Kathleen.”
“I will consider what you said.”
With a firm gesture, Alexis backed away slowly. As he turned slowly, his shoulders looked different than before, so Kathleen struggled for a moment.
‘Are you drinking the medicine properly?’
Eventually, when he reached the bedroom door, Kathleen hesitantly called him.
“Duke. Maybe, I……”
But as soon as the words came out of her mouth, she immediately regretted it. If she showed that she knows about him being poisoned, Edith and the others would be in trouble. She took her words back.
“…….Nothing. Go.”
Even at the end of her awkwardly hazy words, he didn’t ask what she was trying to say.
“It’s windy, so close the window and go to sleep.”
As if he remembered the memory of that time, he left the bedroom with those parting words. She looked at the window and saw that it was still tightly closed. Kathleen thought, fiddling with the lock on the window.
At least, the Alexis Walten she met tonight was more honest than ever.
***
The security in the duke’s residence was further strengthened.
Not only were additional personnel guarding the front door organized, but all documents circulating inside were thoroughly inspected.
As a result, an administrative task that was not previously present was added.
Invitations from the social circles, which were sent to the duchess as the recipient, were always returned without signs of the envelope being opened. However, the maid still checked whether the number matched the total count of the letters that went up to the bedroom one by one, and also to see if there was any special content. Then, at sunset, the situation would be reported to the butler.
“Nothing was worth reporting.”
“Okay.”
“But, Your Grace, what about Miss Edith? Last time she visited, she had to go back again, so I think we should call her in.”
“Just let her leave the medicine and don’t call her. Viscount Rylent will take care of it.”
“But Dr. Cabel is also very concerned. If another unexpected symptom develops.”
“Do you want Kathleen to know that I’m a sick b*st*rd?”
“Your Grace….”
He was sure that Priest Joseph was fine without any kind of disease. If there was even a slight injury, he would be able to take care of himself.
For Kathleen, he was already far below Joseph. He would never want to reveal a side of him that would widen the distance.
“Don’t do anything troublesome. I’ve been fine until now.”
“……Yes, I understand.”
“Get out of here.”
Alsdorf bowed his head and stepped back. As soon as he left, Alexis compulsively tapped his wrist and felt for his pulse. Fortunately, it was normal.
He let out a long sigh and rolled the curtains to check the time. It was already night.
‘Shall I go back again?’
He went to see the child for a while during the day. No, to be precise, he wasn’t going to see the child, he was going to see Kathleen. He became anxious at the thought that she might have received a message and was preparing to run away, so he kept hovering around her. Luckily, there was no sign of that, but after the confession that night, there was no reaction, which made him even more on edge. In this situation, watching the child growing day by day was a good excuse.
The boy who shared the same eyes as Kathleen would give him a friendly smile, and oddly enough, welcomed him. Kathleen was the type of person who couldn’t force herself to take away even her child’s favorite things. Therefore, she couldn’t block her child who was crawling towards him.
‘I just need to see if you’re sleeping properly.’
Alexis quickly left the office and went up to the third floor then glanced at the other end of the hallway. In his heart, he wanted to go see Kathleen, but he was afraid to face the hatred in her eyes as she looked at him without a word. He untied the collar of his shirt and headed to the bedroom where Luci was sleeping.
He pushed through the open door, and when he entered, the candle was still lit. Emily, who had been looking over the crib, turned around with an exhausted face and stood straight in shock.
“Master?”
“That’s-.”
As she stepped away with an awkward expression, he saw Luci wriggling around with his big eyes wide open.
“He isn’t sleeping yet because he took a lot of naps.”
Meanwhile, the boy stood up with his short, chubby legs while grabbing the crib’s railing and babbled. He certainly didn’t look like he was going to sleep any time soon.
“Daddy!” [Appa]
Luci, who recognized Alexis, shouted warmly and stretched one of his arms between the grates and waved them up and down.
Alexis said as he walked over and held the child up.
“I’ll take him out for a while. It doesn’t look like he’s going to sleep soon.”
“Th-That’s true, but……”
“Don’t tell Kathleen.”
“I understand.”
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Leaving the bedroom, he supported the child’s back with one of his arms and went down the stairs. The child clung around his neck, grunting gladly for the unexpected outing.
‘You’ll be a year old next month.’
He was very happy to have the child who recognized him as a father in his arms.
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