Chapter 16: Upside Down (III)

When the sight came into his view, he stopped. He found it impossible. Above all, perhaps was a sense that he should not burden her with all this. But Lorenzo knew that if it was unsaid, then it would forever be within him. Perhaps she already knew, perhaps she didn’t.

But he had to tell her, perhaps to know why it fell apart. The groom had welcomed him inside, with a politeness. Lavinia looked at him.

“I wondered, why did you come to see me?” She asked. “Or are you interested in taking what’s yours?”

“You know.” He breathed.

“Alicia told me, at first she kept her silence but then with time I wore her down. Then she finally told me.” She drank from the cup. “I didn’t know, if I had, I would have-”

“I don’t think there was anything you could have done. Neither could have I.” He stopped.

“You’re quite right, but it was a fault of mine. I would have liked you. And Alicia appreciated. I didn't factor in what you would think of her.”

“I think it’s difficult to discuss it. It’s the most unpredictable thing, I walked in never hoping to not fall in love. But to delay my marriage; with you I would have made a friend.”

She widened her eyes. “As did I. But I liked you more than was suitable. But I know we are impossible. And you’re not a man who would take what’s his regardless of legality or society, you would rather change the world to suit you than to bend the rules.”

“Because I never understood what’s wrong with it. You’re not happy in this marriage, merely content. It's a contentness that comes from knowing you won't be ties down for long.” He looked.

She closed her eyes. “Yes, it is one. But I know you would not condemn me for admitting to it.”

“It’s mine too. I don’t know what to think,” Lorenzo said. “That I know we can’t be save a miracle.”

“Not divine intervention?” She raised her eyebrow.

“I wonder why it took away my dreams. I think there is no god watching us after that; but if there is one it abandoned us.” He took a sip, giving her something.

Both of them would invite their own condemnation and scorn for their own views. The circles of intellectuals were tolerant of the discussion of faith, and questioning it. But those were works that circulated only amongst them.

They both smiled.

“Even if I was no longer a married woman, I would not have been able to marry you—your high rank would prevent that I would at most be a mere dowager baroness, with no great fortune.”

There was nothing to prevent it, his father had not married a noblewoman who was equal of him in rank. His father would have no objections except Lavinia was married.

“But I wondered, why come here and tell me?” Lavinia opened her own fan. “I want to ask you that.”

It was unusual.

“I wanted to explain to you. And I wanted to say that I’ll wait for you.” He looked her right in his eyes, his hands palmed together.

Lavinia looked away, before looking at him. “Don’t lie to me, it may change. It may not change. But I don’t want to bind you to the same shackle. I am running on his time and I may not outlive him. Life can be strange like that. He may die tomorrow, a year, ten years, maybe twenty. It's too much to ask and your emotions will change.”

“But what if it was tomorrow?” He asked. “Not as I’m saying that I’m hoping, but I want to hear it.”

“I’ll say yes." She looked away noticing that his mind was working. “You’re thinking about something.”

“Well, that means that the only thing holding you back is your promises and society.” Lorenzo was happy to hear the truth. To know what it was.

Her eyes held sadness, as though she cared for him. “But I have lived long enough, experienced a loveless marriage that had genuine companionship. Nothing is ever that easy. I want him to live as long as he’s supposed to and yet, I resent this marriage for being the prison that it is.” She laughed and continued. “We shouldn’t make obligations of each other. But if I’m ever widowed and you are still a bachelor, perhaps we can talk about courtship.”

“But can we remain friends?” He asked. “If you will have me.”

“Yes, I think we can. Because you were honest enough to tell me it now, although I would have resolved to never call you if you never asked.”

“Why?”

“It’s simple, I didn’t want to give you the wrong impression.” She looked at him.

“Then, I’m glad I did. Despite my sense telling me it’s unwise but I think I needed to clarify with you,” he said. “How is Alicia?”

“She’s moving on, her brother is ecstatic that you have given up. But she’s resolved set on it all. Though her parents and my husband are disappointed that it has not worked out.” She opened her fan. “But she only told me when pressed.”

“I should thank her then.” For keeping this a mild secret, even though his whole family knew.

“I think I’ll express your thanks on your behalf. Seeing as talking to her right now would be inconvenient.”

“You’ll be right.” He looked.

“Has this changed you?” She asked.

“No, it has only done more to fuel me. It’s all up to chance, more than some divine plan or someone’s fault. I refuse to believe in something that I can only see up to death, and there only leaves random chance.”

She laughed, before clapping. “Well, I can only wish you the best in this endeavour. And may you succeed. Because I would desire to see that world—but I do not think it likely.”

It was true, that in almost every generation there was something that held them back. Something that pushed and guided them. But he didn’t know why it happened, when he found it such a curse upon himself rather than a blessing. Yet, so many embraced it.

“But I wonder, did you accept this role so that you could one day make it superfluous?” She asked.

“Not completely.” He looked to the side.

“Or rather it’s because of your younger brother?”

“He reminds me they’re innocent of this all. Both of us have had to learn regardless of our emotions—posterity should be free of that.” If they wish, then they should choose. But if they don’t, it shouldn’t be scorned or condemned.”

“I wonder, why do you feel that instead of taking what is yours you want to change it for everyone?” Lavinia asked. “Francesco certainly thought little of the vows when he was sleeping with everyone.”

“Because I realise it makes some happy, and it left many unhappy,” Lorenzo said. “And I think If it’s legitimate as I think mine is, why not change it? It used to be fine to tie a couple in marriage even if they detested each other—provided it served a purpose: economic or political. Now, it’s only forced if they can’t find another suitable bride. Perhaps what I think of is going to happen but I’m speeding it up.”

“You could be right, as well as wrong.” She shook her own head. “You truly amaze me in what you can think of.”

“Would you prefer to see it?

Lavinia thought for a moment before nodding. “Yes, I would. A world that’s different from the one I inhabit. Where without money, power or connections you become a pawn or at the whims of someone else. Instead, all is free to choose what you want to do.”

“I should go.” Lorenzo turned around.

“I’m glad that we could remain friends.”

He turned around.

“I would miss the conversation with you.” She looked. “I truly would.”

Before he left the parlour, with the aid of her groom until she reached the end.

Gennaro was waiting for him until he opened the carriage letting Lorenzo into the carriage.

He took a seat, and Gennaro followed due to him being his valet.

“How did it go?” Gennaro asked.

Unlike most, he enjoyed listening to him or talking to him when they were alone.

“The best I could have hoped for.” He sighed. “She is too noble, and I don’t think that I should just ignore it. Instead, I think I want to change it all.”

“You know if you ask me, perhaps it’s not meant to be. Perhaps it’s all parts of God’s plan.”

“Although, I find the strangest thing that I was born into wealth and having no worries. While you were born struggling. Do you think it is?”

“That’s just the way it is.”

“Then, perhaps it’s not, it chance.” He looked at him.

Gennaro stopped. “You’re right, no one ever say that it’s part of some divine plan that we’re born into subsistence. We just are.”

“Meanwhile, we have God’s grace to thank for our good fortune. And yet, even I’m not happy. I can’t do what I want to do. This has come at the small cost of countless dreams and happiness of so many.” He laughed.

“I am happy with my life.”

“Are you?” He asked. “Or are you content? There’s a difference. You have a dream don’t you, you want to write a book?”

“Yes, I do. I guess I am I only content with it. But for so long, they have taught me to be happy with what I’ve been given. Rather than realise what’s the difference between true happiness and perhaps contentment.”

Lorenzo looked, knowing perhaps what happiness would look to him. One where he was now free of worry, and live a life where he could decide what it was and no one else. Where he didn’t have any responsibilities that he did not choose. But when he helped Gennaro see the difference, it put a smile on his face.

All the way as they made their way back.

He got out of the carriage, having already. Gennaro opened the door, alerting him. Lorenzo got down, and into the courtyard

He knew it had gotten out of hand. Inside the courtyard, where he wanted to sneak inside the house. Until he entered the house to see Francesco there.

“So, what happened?” Francesco asked. “Well, you’re going to pass by the parlour and there she is making you see her.”

He was not looking forward to that conversation. Since the grooms would tell her, neither did he tell her. But soon, he’ll have to face it.

Francesco was the only one who bore her anger on an intimate level and regular.

“You want to talk to me before that?” Lorenzo asked.

“You went to meet a certain baroness after all?” Francesco asked, glancing over Lorenzo’s immaculate dress, perfect as the day before. All the while, they remained standing in the hallway. Behind them had been the staircase.

Lorenzo wondered why he was looking at his clothes before realising. “Were you guessing that I was going there to sleep with her?”

Francesco grinned. “But you turned her down, I assume.”

“She didn’t want to. I didn’t wish to propose it either.” He looked at her. “Why does it matter?”

Francesco said nothing. “Antonia would be happy.”

“I don’t care what she thinks. It’s just that it’s not a wise move at all if I want to change it; I don't have the right to change it if I defy it.” He asked. “Who would believe me?”

“You want to make improvements for the future.” Francesco held his hands, sighing. “Nothing is ever easy for you, Lorenzo. I keep getting surprised at your reactions; at this point almost nothing would shock me.”

“If that is my path, then I’ll walk it.”

Even if he would never see it, he thought of how Federico would enjoy it. Of his cousins, and perhaps all those who were just like him.

“Why put yourself through pain? Why go down this path? You’re here to enjoy life, and give yourself to life’s pleasures. Unless it drives you, it gives you a meaning, your struggles a purpose, that gives you happiness,” he said.

Lorenzo realized perhaps he was right. He was driven by it; it made him feel like his life mattered. He wanted to make it matter; he wanted them to not repeat it. That all of this would be important.

“While I’m enjoying all of what life offers.” He smiled. “Although, can you tell me why?”

He paused for the moment. “It’s because I truly think that with all the discussion, discoveries—we're on the cusp of a change. The first time a republic overthrown a monarchy and succeeded in centuries. And yet, why are we still ruled by monarchs whose total power is based on who their father was?”

Francesco laughed. “It’s not my interest, so I don’t really know.”

“Although you tell no one how to live.” He looked.

“I’m the last person to preach to anyone about marriage.” He agreed with them. “Antonia is not the same as I.”

Francesco lived the life he wanted but passed no judgement on anyone else.

“But I’m giving it a go, at trying to not seek it out. Actually, I’ve been kind of single for a while already. Other than the occasional visit too few women, but it’s not always sexual.”

“Like you and Lavinia?” Lorenzo raised his eyebrow.

“Lavinia and I separated after the first encounter we had. We remained in acquaintance with each other,” he said. “But Antonia can be difficult to talk to. After a while, I realized, family and marriage were the only things we had in common. She tried to meet me halfway rather than the other way. And I enjoyed her showering the attention on me until we had our children.”

“And then it became her entire world.”

“Yes, she’s a dominant mother. Maybe I’m jealous, and so we talked. And well, I don’t know whether it’s working.” He gave a moment to smile. “Maybe your method is better than mine.”

“I offered to wait for her.” Lorenzo told her.

“That’s your ideal, isn’t it?” He asked. “You don’t want to get married. Although is that attracted to you to fall in love with her?”

“I would not have wanted to fall in love.” He told him. “It still hurts, even though you know that personally, it will never happen. I want to love her as a man would. Not as a lover.”

“But she’s unbelieving that it would happen, and she didn’t want to bind you to the same promise?” He asked.

“Yes.”

“She loves you enough to know it.”

“And because we have not yet let it go too far. It’s easier to end when it’s still they have not developed less painful to part and the feelings.”

“Not deep enough that you can’t ever desire to not be with her.”

“But I think I’ll want to maintain our friendship. It’s hard to find more intellectuals here. So I treasure any I can.” He smiled.

“But there was something you were emotional about?” He asked. “What was it?”

Lorenzo froze. “Was I?”

“You were. There was anger, but you’re not angry at her for rejecting you.”

“I was angry at how it’s her circumstances that hold her back. That she’s unable to love as she wants.”

“I see that as a price for existing, and that she can always satisfy herself with lovers.”

“But why settle for consolations when you could have the chance at true happiness?” He asked. “I’m angry about that. It’s the same for me. I don’t want to be consoled that I have the best position. I want to live the life I want to live. Or to create it.”

“So that’s why,” he said. “Antonia might spring a surprise on you. I saw her writing to your parents.”

That was unfortunate. He could already make a few guesses.

“Come on down, I’ve found Signor de Moreni.”

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It was his footman who would escort him to see his cousin, Antonia. Lorenzo went up the steps to the man, waiting for him until he reached the footman. The footman brought him into the hallway, past the swords hung in the hallway. Until he knocked on the door, informing his mistress that her guest had arrived.

He walked inside.

Antonia sat upon the armchair, dressed in a green gown. She looked up, putting down the quill. They powdered her hair to a pale grey, worn close to her hair. Her long face, striking features to the side.

“Lorenzo, sit.” Her voice was sweet, almost strained. Instead of her, relatively more modest.

Or was it just him?

“Why did you ask me here for?” He asked. Not wanting to tell on his cousin, since he had given him this for his benefit. So that he won’t be taken aback.

“You visited the Baroness de Florgamo.” She closed her book, a sharp voice. “Did she tempt you into sin?”

He raised his eyebrow and sighed. “Well, I went to talk to her. About something, I wanted to tell her I wanted to offer to wait for her should she ever become available.”

Antonia’s eyes were almost in shock before she looked at him. “And she accepted it?”

“She turned me down. I said that I wanted to remain friends.”

“You choose her instead of begging Alicia.”

“Well, I think that if she doesn’t wish to, then there is no point in me going after, is there not?” He asked. “Why do you care?”

“Your mother has been worried about you, and she’s asked me to monitor you. I always thought that I needed to protect Cecelia, but then you went to get involved with a loose Baroness.”

“She has her own reasons.: Lorenzo didn’t quite find it. It was understandable why she did it.

“Nothing ever justifies cheating, not even if her husband is fine with it. It hurts the sanctity of marriage itself if a woman does it. I’m glad that she knew her place.” Antonia told him.

It made sense. His mother, Beatrice, had been worried about him ever since she was the second person he told of his ambitions.

“Did you know why she turned me down?” Lorenzo asked, almost unbelieving. “She wanted to not bound me to something that’s unpredictable. She can never know when it happens.”

“Here’s a letter from your parents and another from my elder sister, Marietta.” She passed him, already interested in not bringing this any further.

Lorenzo opened it using a letter opener, easily enough. She had not read it, thankfully.

The first was a brief note from his father, a long letter from his mother—filled with concern and some light scolding. He turned his attention to the second letter from Marietta. Inside; he said that she would welcome him into her home and help him find a bride.

“I know that I’m back, unless the girl is already bound for the church. And you got along better and with your attachment to the Baroness, I think it might do you good to go out of Paserta.”

His cousin Marietta had married into Marallo, and he had seen her a few times. But never stayed there for an extended amount of time.

“I wished you would have talked to me before all of this.” He walked out.

“I misjudged you, I guess. But what stopped you?” She asked. “You would have a moment of bliss by taking her as a lover. Why didn’t you?”

Lorenzo looked her right in the eyes. “I rather wait for the right time, because I want to be accepted. It is temporary, and that’s my problem with it. I want it to be more than that.”

“You know, that something that I can respect at least.” She looked down. “But not for a woman like her. Why not for someone who has not been tarnished? Why, for someone who has made a mockery of her marriage vows?”

“It’s strange like that, isn’t it? But she’s charming. I find her pleasant to be with and we share much in common,” he said.

Antonia was silent for the moment. “See him out.”

Lorenzo walked out, seeing Cecelia had waited for him.

They had gone into his rooms, so that she could talk to him.

“Did you overhear?” He asked.

She nodded. “Is it true? That you’re going to Marallo?”

“No, yes, I don’t know. But my cousin did offer to do so.” He sighed, taking the moment to look deeper at his mother’s letter. “But I want to go back to talk to them before I take the journey.”

His mother had urged him, while his mother merely advised him to go. At least to explain to them what was going on.

“I’m going back with you, since there isn’t any reason for me to stay. And most of them can pay a visit to my house if they do want to woo me instead. I’ve already entertained the rest that Francesco and Antonia could introduce to me. Well, its you or imagining spending too much time with Francesco.”

He laughed. “Alright, we’ll go back to Stressa together.”

“But would you want to go?” Cecelia asked.

“I don’t know.” That was his only answer.

---

Lorenzo returned to his home, seeing the familiar villa come right into his view from the carriage. They built it in the baroque style—grand geometric shapes, with a grand ornamentation style, made by his grandfather when he had recently married his grandmother. A grand statement to his new title, and a renovation of their palace.

He got out of the carriage, still holding the letter of his parents and his cousin. Before extending a hand for his sister, Cecelia. They were coming back home often due to them having many social gatherings to attend to find a suitable spouse. And if nothing proved worthwhile, he will send his daughter to court to serve the eldest daughter of the duke of Paserta—the girl was only thirteen, but once she came of age and granted her own household and the right to have companions.

Their son was too young for Lorenzo, so they invited her. It was more likely they’ll send for Federico. It was likely he’ll end up in court in some official position, his father’s proxy or as the Marquis of Stressa, a premier noble.

Once they entered inside the house, the lady’s maid told him.

“I’ll go up first.” Cecelia looked at him, going up the steps.

Now, it was facing his meeting that he was dreading: his parents. He went up the steps, following the steward until he stopped at his mother’s parlour. This was a common room, as he opened, closing it.

Lorenzo turned to see his parents, his father having all but shed his wig, showing his thinning brown hair. His mother, grey, streaking through her black hair. He walked, table already filled.

Cosimo looked at his wife. “Antonia told us what happened.”

“So, you know?” He asked, taking a seat.

They nodded.

“Do you think anything happened?” Lorenzo asked, wanting to gauge what was going on.

“I don’t think so.” Beatrice, his mother, still trusted him. “But this was a gift from Marietta. She had clarified that she would have given it to you around now.”

There was a larger reason.

He read the letter again. “It’s her salon. She’s hosting philosophers who would.”

“I held it back until you were more settled.” Cosimo told him. “I wouldn’t want you flying to another country, far away from home. Not until I was confident that you knew. But there are extenuating circumstances.”

Lorenzo knew what he meant. “You think I will turn to her, even when Antonia had told you both what happened?”

She had been sheepish but wrote the long letter back to him, after seeing how he had reacted.

“I did, but I fear you would do something unwise. When your emotions are so hot, it is difficult to tell what would happen.” Cosimo stepped in.

“And you have to get married, to secure and provide an heir.”

He clenched his fists. But he wasn’t ready. “Are there any other choices?”

“I can smooth things over with the Candidas to get you with Alicia again. They told me it went well. And the ending of it was puzzling.”

Though there was a reason. But he had to put his foot down.

“I will not pursue my suit with Alicia,” Lorenzo said, looking them in the eye. “Well, it’s an agreement between us both.”

“She must have become aware and decided not to do it,” Beatrice looked at him. “It’s natural for a woman to not do it if she learns it’s because a man desires a relative of hers. Then, she becomes a replacement.”

Lorenzo didn’t show any sign of otherwise. Cosimo pursed his lips before turning to his wife.

“Francesco wrote to me about it. He said that Lorenzo is the perfect gentleman. Too perfect, in fact, still unbroken,” Cosimo said.

“He would say that about any man who doesn’t have a mistress that he parades around or a lover that he doesn’t flaunt to all men.”

Cosimo saw little and read it to the letter.

“But Marietta had a larger reason, one htat you will find more amenable to you.”

“I’m sure you told her of my issues and hopes that she’ll introduce suitable young women to my end.” He took a sip.

“That’s as natural to Marietta as breathing. You’re still her favourite cousin. She’ll like to see you wed.” Beatrice looked at her.

“You will get over her.” His father assured him in the first time there ever was. “I think I’ll like to talk to him, privately.”

“Of course. Take as much time as you like. I have other matters to see to.” Beatrice stood up, strolling to the end.

Lorenzo had wondered just what he meant with a private conversation, though he kept his silence until the door was closed. His father took a drink before looking, making sure his mother was hearing.

“How do you know that?” Lorenzo asked. “You’re still with Mama whom you love dearly, and told me of the cost of marrying. That had not been long ago. Unless it’s a mistress.”

Cosimo nodded. “I don’t want to tell her, but I think she knows. But we never spoke of it, because I ended the affair before any of you were born.”

“Even Ludovico?” Lorenzo asked.

“Even Ludovico.” He grimaced. “Do you want to hear how it began?”

They were common to have a mistress; it was not condemned if any man had one but only celebrated if they refrained.

“I do.”

“I was in the army then, due to fight another round for the Ranciens. I spent my youth fighting on their behalf, on the continent, against loss, mostly.” He looked. “I was long enough away that the only letters I was getting from home came in once a season changed; and I longed for the comfort of someone. Beatrice was more sorrowful than she was happy.”

He didn’t dare to ask. His mother had been cheerful when around them. That this was a part of it.

“It was during the time we had buried two children. She was lonely. And I couldn’t exactly leave—it was over by the time I returned home. She had been an officer’s wife who had died. She lingered on. I made sure her annuity granted in the event of death was there.” Cosimo told him of a time where he was a much younger man. “She married an officer after a year, enough to mourn. I gave them a generous wedding gift.”

His father was admitting it. “And the reason, had been the children we lost. You had a sister and a brother. They both died before they ever reached a year old. She was devastated, and I didn’t have a living heir. I came back, thinking that I may never have an heir for this estate, so I drafted it up for Antonio to inherit in my stead.”

“Before then, was he planning on taking the holy vows?” He asked.

“He was considering it. Had I not told him to do it? I didn’t want to annul my marriage—my mother was all for it. But it satisfied her when I put Antonio as my heir instead.” He looked. “I married your mother for love. And my mother hated it, for she was not rich.”

“You would not have opposed her.”

“I only oppose it because she’s still married.” He drank it. “But I’m one of the last person to tell you. After that, ironically, was when all my sons and my only daughter came, they discovered me happiness.”

“What is the point of it?”

“You don’t quite know what would happen. I thought I would die childless, but I have three children,” Cosimo said.

“I told her I considered waiting for her.” He looked.

“She turned you down.’ Cosimo gleaned the truth.

“How did you know?” He asked.

“It’s obvious. I will elope and threaten my parents then that I would marry her. My mother remained staunchly against but my father agreed and persuaded her to accept it. That he didn’t think too much about it, for his mother had been a Ganean noblewoman.”

“It was a traditional alliance.”

“Yes, and no. It was just an option. My mother would only settle if it was a relative of the Doge of Ganeo. Though that wasn’t happening.” He laughed about it. “She had a list of approved women.”

“Mama doesn’t expect it.”

“But do you want to persuade her?”

“No, she told me why. There was no guarantee that she will be free within the next year or even two. It may be longer. She may even die before him.” It was a great irony if it happened. “But she wished I would move on.”

“And?” Cosimo asked. “You didn’t seem happy when you were asked to do your sacred duty.”

“I wouldn’t want to have a child just for the sake of continuation. I only want it with someone that I wish, and I wish they would be free to make the choices that they desire.”

“So, stability is not what you wish for them?” Cosimo asked.

“Stability was not what I craved. I yearned to be at liberty of my path in life.” Lorenzo confessed it. "But I want to see who my cousin Marietta would want me to see.”

She had only made a brief mention of the most famous people, for she knew them all, welcoming them to join her salon to talk literature, theatre, tragedy and, of course, philosophy in her letters to him recently. Talking up all the topics that would only make him interested, but he

Marallo was part of the duchy of Marallo, which was held by the Holy Rovian Emperors, who were also archdukes of Pannonia.

That was one center for thought of enlightenment, and the most important in all of Itoro. The second being the city of Salenzo all the way down south, in the Kingdom of Salenzo.

“So, would you go?” He asked.

He was tired, so many were asking him to go. But above all, he wanted to talk more.

“You know why I went to visit her?”

“I don’t think it was completely because of her personality, but also her salon. She is one of the most conversational hostesses there is in Paserta.” He looked.

“Yes, I miss talking to them. I wish I knew this, though I never knew that she was inviting me. I talked. She was trying to cheer me up.”

But in fact, it was a subtle hint. He was not angry. He was going to go because he didn’t want to deal with his duties here. They were onerous, and he had to tell himself why he did it.

But deep down, he knew his answer. He wanted to go; he wanted to meet them. And if his cousin was offering to host him, he had few reasons to deny.

“I think I’ll go. Just for a little while, for my curiosity. Since I missed the chance as I planned to go there before returning home.”

It was, however, interrupted.

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