Chapter 62: CH 62

The unexpected line of questioning had me so bewildered, I lost my mental barriers. How, no, why in the heck did he know about that? My meetings with Nova in the past were carried out with utter caution and feigned coincidences, or so I had thought. I had leaked information for Mayer’s assassination so I couldn’t afford to be found out by the Dark Knights. Regardless of my intentions, I was ultimately handing over dungeon information, so I couldn’t be found out by Fabian Corps either. 
Fortunately, Nova had kept it secret as per my request, but it seemed everything was useless before Mayer. Then again, he did look up to his captain. Even if I was like a sister to him, he wouldn’t remain completely silent should Mayer ask for the source of the information he was giving. Didn’t this mean that Mayer had known everything about me trying to assassinate him through Nova?
The mere thought sent goosebumps all over my skin. I debated whether to just be open and ask but I couldn’t bring myself to do that—I feared what his response might be. If he didn’t know about the assassination attempt, I’d just be asking for trouble. If he had known all along, I’d be in trouble anyway. My heart raced wildly, giving me the delusion that it would bolt out of my throat. Meanwhile, the cause of my stress continued speaking with a serious face. “There is nothing bad about being close. But do not forget to maintain objectivity, Jun Karentia.” 
“…Pardon?” I stared at him, confused. 
“I am advising you since you insist on taking Nova.”
Was I imagining things or was he trying to warn me against being too friendly with Nova? 
“Honestly, I do not wish for you to take Nova into your unit,” he added with a sigh. “It would be troubling if you were to break.” 
“Break?” 
His words were too sudden. I laughed, feeling a mixture of confusion and disbelief, but Mayer’s face was solemn. “If Nova were to die because of a decision made by myself or you… What then?”

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“But that would never…” For a moment, I was rendered speechless. It was something I had never considered before. 
Smiling bitterly, Mayer continued, “No one can be certain of what will happen inside a dungeon.” Pausing, he intertwined his long, knuckled fingers tightly. “I have been keeping silent since there was no one close with you in the first playthrough until now, but this seems to be the right time to tell you. Draw a line between you and everyone else; this naturally includes Nova, Sevi, that acolyte, and August. The members of the corps are only parts that exist for the sake of overthrowing the demon lord.”
I was greatly shocked by his words, and my heart raced for a different reason now. “Thank you for your concern, but I won’t break because of something like that,” I replied with an awkward laugh. “While it’s not something to compare with you, Captain, but I’ve got quite the experience in expeditions myself. I’m fully capable of enduring loss.” 
“Better not to suffer than to endure. Experiencing misfortunate twice does not make it any good. There is no getting used to it. You only grow ever worn, ever torn. Their deaths will hit you harder than you think,” he said, sighing. “It is different from the first playthrough. You will be buried by your brooding. If they lived longer in the first playthrough, you’ll wonder if it was your fault that they died like this in the second.” 
“…You speak like someone who’s been through it already.”
Instead of replying, Mayer only grinned at me. He showed his usual confidence and dignified bearing, but I felt like I glimpsed the grim past he had experienced beneath that mask. It was only then I realized why there was such a disparity in Mayer’s reputation in the first and second playthrough. Back then, Mayer was a majestic superior and hero, someone who knew how to mingle in moderation, someone who could afford to be considerate of others… Whatever he was like inside, that was the sort of person Mayer was, according to what I learned through Nova and other people.
In the present, however… Looking at how shocked people got whenever he took care of something for me, it was obvious that he had deliberately distanced himself from the corps members. As a result, while he was still the strongest man who possessed that hard-to-approach air of dignity, he had also become something of a freak that was hard to grow close to.
It was understandable. I knew the final future of this world, but unlike me, he must’ve felt like he was being swept along by a furious storm. Not to mention, my position was strictly speaking a bystander, whereas he was a key figure in the story. The weight he was burdened with was surely much heavier than what I was shouldering… Incomparably so. 
I had started the second playthrough just before meeting Mayer, but he must’ve started much earlier than that. I could guess what had happened during that time without even asking.

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