Chapter 3: Thursday December 4th

A knock at the door startles me back awake. I’m taking another nap in the middle of the day, waiting for the family to get home. “Hey, Ants, it’s me”. And I guess they have. Ugh. I don’t know if I’m ready for this conversation yet, but I don’t want to put a wall up from Frankie.

“Hey Frank. Come in, it’s fine. I’m not doing anything.” I shuffle my way outta bed, sitting on the edge of it in my pj’s, and wait for him to make his way over. Frankly, it’s kinda sweet that he always knocks nowadays. We used to have a total open door policy, but once I came out to him he claimed that a ‘lady deserves her privacy’.

He sits next to me on the bed again, lightly patting me on the shoulder. “Hey big sis, I wanna talk. You’ve been pretty sullen the last couple days. I’ve never really seen you like this - what’s going on?” I mean, yeah. I’ve been staying in my room basically 24/7 since… I tried the day after I failed to perform it again, made sure to watch about every tutorial I could find on youtube to make sure I did it to the letter, used the extra in-case herbs sent in my pack (and my own salt from the kitchen). I don’t know why, bargaining I guess. Nothing, not even the little sparks I got the first time.

I huff and collapse onto my back, laying across my bed. “Only just realized what a fraud I am. And a failure. I’ve been an idiot to think I could ever be any of it. A girl, a witch, whatever. I’m never going to be any of it. I’m not going to be anything.”

“Come on, Ants, don’t talk like that. This is just another one of those, what did you call it? Dysphoria attacks? You know more about it than literally half of the fuckin’ world right now. You’ve practically been studying since you were a baby. You’re going to show everyone-” 

“No, you’re not listening Frank! This isn’t dysphoria or anxiety or whatever, I tried. I did it all to the letter, exactly how they outlined it. I tried it again and again actually. Nothing happened. The ritual didn’t work at all. I’m not going to make a pact, I’m not going to go forward with this. It’s no use.”

He stares down at me, pity in his eyes. “You… tried the summoning ritual? Did something go wrong? I don’t understand, why wouldn’t it have worked?”

“You know why.” Girls only. I leave it unsaid. I flop onto my back, hands over my face. I don’t really want to be looked at right now.

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He’s quiet for a minute, and then pats my knee softly. “Why did you do it on your own? I thought you were going to talk to mom and dad first? We could have all been there to support you through it then…”

I roll over to my side, curl in on myself. “Yeah, well. I didn’t. I dunno. You don’t get how hard this all is, Frank. Maybe I just, wanted the proof right away. Something I could have to show them that it was all for real, just in case. Really prove it to them? I don’t know what I was thinking. And them knowing first wouldn’t have changed the outcome. More people would just know what a fraud I am.”

“You need to tell them, Ants. I don’t know why you’re so afraid to let people in, but this isn’t healthy for you. Have you even told your friends yet? About anything? You need someone to talk to, you can’t keep it all to yourself all the time.”

“I have a therapist, you know. I can talk to her.”

“That’s not the same and you know it. And no, talking to me like this isn’t the same either.” He cuts me off before I can get a word in, clearly predicting what I was going to say next. “I love you big sis, but you can’t have one single person in your life that knows anything about what’s going on. Especially when I have to pry it out of you like I’m pulling teeth. You know, you’ve never come to me once on your own, it’s always the other way around. If I didn’t take the initiative to see what was wrong, would you have kept this to yourself for how long? The entire holiday? Until school starts?”

I crawl into myself tighter, wrapping around my pillow. “I don’t know Frank. It doesn’t matter, because you did. And you know, I don’t know if I’m even going to be going to school anymore.” He looks almost shocked at that. “Come on man, that’s not a surprise. I already told you why.”

He scootches closer to me on the bed, putting his hand on my shoulder. “I thought you had options though? Didn’t they say they would onboard you in some other discipline if it didn’t work out? Everyone knew going in that it was always an open question. There's still every option open to you for all of it, spellcraft, scribes, apothecary, whatever! You don’t need a familiar to do magic.”

I shrug him off. “You know, I know I kept saying ‘there’s options if it didn’t work’, but I’m starting to realize that I never actually meant any of them. I don’t want to learn spellcraft or brewing or whatever. Not exclusively. I don’t know if I have it in me to show up as a failure.” I turn to look up at him. “Can… would you mind leaving me nap for a bit longer? I’m really tired.”

He sighs and gets up, and I get more comfortable in my bed the right way around again. “Listen, Ants. Just please promise me you’ll find someone to talk to about all this. If you’re not ready for mom and dad yet, then a friend or something.”

Or something. “Yeah, sure Frank. I promise.”