Chapter 19: Withdrawal symptoms (Ch-19)

“You’re way more bold than I had imagined but I’m okay with it I guess.” I replied while feeling her breath against my neck. Her body was pressing against mine and I didn’t know how to respond. Should I enjoy it? I mean I was interested in her and she seemed to be too.

Wait- no, I can’t fall for her. I live in a different world altogether. I can’t break my own heart like that.

 

Now that I think about it, it’s been a while since Kiera texted me. Just then the message popped up.

 

‘Missing me?’

 

‘No. anyways, where is the demon lord?’ I texted Kiera back.

 

‘Who knows… we’re having a hard time ourselves. Anyways you got a nice girl who is almost your type. You’re into bold women and she is bold. I ship. What should we call it? Karie? Mara?’

 

‘How does a GOD not know where someone is? Aren’t you supposed to be all-knowing?’

 

‘Ahem… I am but the demon lord is somehow immune to many things which includes location detection. I have literally no idea where he is.’

 

‘Whatever. I’m going to sleep.’

 

I slipped my phone back into my pant’s pocket. It’s necessary for me to have many important vassals. I have to dirty my hands to get back to my own world. I noticed that Marie had already gone to sleep. I don’t know what’s going on in her mind but she really agreed to me that easily.

My mom would be so angry at me for ‘marrying’ two women. I can’t wait to see her again. It’s been probably 11 days since I’ve been teleported here.

 

I’m so tired of all of it. I don’t know what but something is missing from my life.

 

But I don’t have time to think about it but I can’t fall asleep either. I slipped out of Marie’s hug and walked over to the window.

 

I looked outside at the surroundings wondering why I’m feeling so blue.

 

Do I feel bad for Marie or Historia? Well both of them agreed to me so I’m in the green zone. Historia and Leanna love each other and I helped them be more comfortable with their love. Being my fiance, maybe people would stop bullying Marie. I’m doing them a favor so why do I feel guilty… I’m doing this entire world a favor by saving them but this guilt of murder, fake marriages, lies and manipulation is eating me alive.

 

I don’t even feel happy anymore. When was the last time I genuinely smiled? Despite how apathetic I was, I had limits too.

 

I opened the window and looked down.

I felt an embrace from behind. It was Marie.

“What are you thinking about?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Your aura… it’s dark blue. Were you thinking of suicide?”

 

“My aura? How do you know?”

 

“Magicless can use certain limited abilities. Mine is seeing auras to tell the feelings of individuals. So my twisted future fake husband is feeling guilt?”

 

“It’s none of your business.”

“It kinda is. If you die, we will lose an important asset.”

 

“The Grand Order can take care of it.”

“So you ARE thinking of committing suicide? Why?”

 

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“Go away.” I tried pushing her away but she kept holding onto me.

 

“We are friends, right? You can tell me anything.”

I wish. I wish I could tell you or anyone everything but I just can’t. I feel weak for feeling this way. I feel so weak for being depressed… for being suicidal. I’m so weak physically too. I’m not sure why I was even giving hope to those people I saved on the beach back in Scofinia. I was giving them a false hope. I knew but I did it anyway. Are they even alive? I…

 

“Your aura… IT’S TURNING BLACK!” Marie started shaking me. “Snap out of it!” She sounds so

worried.

 

Black? Yes… I’m thinking deeply about death right now.

 

I chuckled a bit.

 

“I was so naive… I really thought I could save this world… I can’t even save myself. I took lives, I lied, I manipulated people, I’m faking marriages… I’m truly a scum… The worst of the scums who only thinks about using others to get his way. A scum who thinks of himself even when people are dying at the hands of demons… Do I even deserve to live? I could’ve done things better… But I messed up really bad. I committed unforgivable acts.”

Marie just then slapped me.

 

“You have no idea how much we waited for someone like you!! You know why I agreed to fake marriage without questioning anything? Because The Grand Order is backing you up. Those people don’t back ANYONE up. People are starving and dying regardless. We couldn’t do anything when the demons appeared and started taking over our land. The Platinum Order CLAIMED that you will change this country’s economy. You traveled from Scofinia to Deem. You spent over a week in the demon domain and NO ONE under your protection died. For the last whole year, we felt so hopeless. We killed so many demons but the number in their army never went down. You are our only hope. The only hope of dozens of millions of people. We truly need you, Kara. We need you to save us.”

 

I just don’t know what to say. When did I start hating myself like this? When I first killed that man in the hut? Why am I so lost? I have one job which is to get rid of that demon lord but what have I accomplished in the last 11 or so days of me being here? What should I do? I’m just a 17 year old teenager…

 

“Come and sleep…” She guided me to bed and made me lay down again. “I’m going to stay by your side. Now that I’ve seen your true self, I’ve confirmed that you are indeed a good person despite certain twisted methods of yours.” She got in bed with me and took me into her arms.

I’m a selfish wimp… I want to die but just can’t.

 

“Let’s go on a date after school.”

“Date?” That was out of the blue.

 

“Yup! You’re feeling down right? Let’s go out for fresh air tomorrow. I’ll show you around the town. You are just one person. You need a break from all this tragedy too.” She smiled and pinched my cheek. “It’s going to be a long journey, so take breaks.”

 

She was really turning into a wife, huh?

 

I just closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep but it just seemed impossible.

 

After about 15 minutes of trying and failing, I sat up. Marie had already fallen asleep again and was resting her head on my lap.

 

I was acting on my impulse… Why? Why am I feeling this way? My own emotions are not being consistent right now… WAIT… my medication… I haven’t taken them ever since I got here. No wonder I’m acting on impulse or that all my emotions are all over the place. Maybe I’m experiencing withdrawal symptoms.

 

I need to be logical. I can’t be swayed by my emotions or trauma. Failing isn’t even an option because the entire world is at stake. Should I just go into war alone alongside The Grand Order and kill all the demons? That would be easy but The Grand Order could’ve done that by now. Marie did mention how the army of demons never shrunk despite them killing them. Does it have something to do with the demon lord itself? Maybe the demon lord keeps creating these demons. Then it’d make sense to not just go on a full scale war with them. We have no lead either.

 

I looked down at Marie's face. It was cute and elegant. If I could, I would love bringing her over to my own world. She is bold, understanding and kind. A girl I could easily fall for.

 

For the sake of this world? This world has given me some friends… real friends who didn’t know about my past but in a way my relationship with Marie seems off.

 

Is it even different from the past?: People getting close to me because I’m connected to someone important. Why am I so scared of heartbreak? Who cares if it’s fake…

 

Am I all alone again?

 

I just want to be happy.

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