Chapter 49: Chapter 42: A Quiet Chat Over Coffee

 

 

Silence hung around the table, permeating the air in much of the same manner as the steam from our cups. Despite the appearance of someone from my past, someone who held such strong feelings for me, I was at a loss on what to say. Or perhaps that’s not right. What could I say?

 

    I made such a big show earlier about how I’d be open with this person, who I had likely, no, definitely wounded. It sure had sounded great at the time. But there was one glaring issue with that declaration I had made; I really sucked at opening up to people.

 

    So we sat in silence. If anything I was just grateful things here hadn’t erupted in violence. Glancing at Sandra, she looked to be a bundle of extreme emotions. Anger, jealousy, relief, sadness, all swirled in the whirlpool of her eyes above dark, sleep-deprived circles. She looked like she was a coin-toss away from either flipping out and screaming at Mary and I, or breaking down sobbing. That she was an emotional wreck was plain to see, and having me, of all people, in charge of defusing the ticking bomb of her unstable feelings was the psychological equivalent of sending a businessman on a cocaine bender to defuse a bomb.

 

    Because, it should go without saying, she is dangerous. Not that there’s anything wrong with that in and of itself, but tearing open a whole between worlds is kind of a big “oh shit” moment. Deescalation is naturally the best choice, but I really hope Mary has my back when I screw that up. When I took psych classes back in undergrad I had always scoffed at the idea some researchers posited that “Emotional Intelligence” being included when measuring IQ but looking at things now, I can start to see their point.

    Finally, the silence was broken.

 

    “So...how was the trip?” Mary asked cautiously.

 

    Holy shit, Mary. I know you spent a lot of time by yourself before I got here, but really? Sandra turned to face her, eyes filled with jealousy and anger.

 

    “Who are you?” She spat out.

 

    “I’m Roses' teacher. Or more specifically, her master for the duration of her apprenticeship. She’s currently studying witchcraft under me as my apprentice, and is thus under my protection. Naturally having someone to instruct you in the ways of magic is important. It’d be rather improper if I just set her loose to go about doing things like tearing open reality.” Perfectly composed, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Mary embody the idea of a dignified teacher more than she did at this moment, disregarding the slight twitch at the corner of her mouth showing her effort in keeping back a grin.

    I could practically hear a cacophony of voices screaming in terror in the back of my mind. I may be lacking when it comes to expressing emotions, but this was beyond that. Way beyond that. If I was trying to defuse a bomb despite shaking hands and a lack of knowledge, Mary was taking a package marked with “Ted K.” as the sender and playing Hacky-sack with it gleefully. I braced myself for whatever magical or mundane attack might go flying out at that blatant provocation.

 

    “How can you call yourself a ‘teacher'? After what you did to Rose.” Her eyes narrowed. I decided to speak up.

 

    “Sandra, I know you may have a lot of questions, but me ending up in this world was no ones fault but my own, and even then it was more due to the whims of fate than anything else. No one ‘caused’ me to come here, and no one did anything that led to me being here.” I calmly explained. Someone needed to be the rational one here.

 

    “No, I mean...” she trailed off, her pale sun-deprived cheeks reddening. “Aren’t you going to come back with me at least?”

 

    “What exactly is waiting for me back there, in the mundane world?” I asked.

 

    “Your school and research! And your collection you always loved talking about, as well as your friends and family. And also me-”

 

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    “After I went missing, they searched my apartment, right?” I cut her off. I know, I need to stop running away from the emotions of others, but old habits really die hard. “It was stupid of me, I know, but who could have foreseen me falling into another world and leaving my apartment free to be searched? Tell me, are people still searching for me?”

 

    Sandra sighed, reluctant to admit the truth. “There’s currently a warrant out for your arrest. The ATF has concluded that you must have faked your disappearance in order to flee, assuming you must have been tipped off that you were under surveillance by a different government organization. You’ve been charged with a few different violations of the NFA.” She spoke this grudgingly. “But still, that’s no reason not to return! We could flee, I know someone who could hook us up with some false passports, and we could-”

    “Wait, I was under surveillance? Holy shit!” A pang of anger directed at myself lanced through my mind, like I was fighting a war with myself to directly acknowledge her feelings.

    “Yeah, there was some agency keeping an eye on you, but as I said, we could flee.” She seemed set on this idea.

    “Do you really think a life on the lam would be good for me? And you, I went through all that effort to tutor you. You have a full ride, and potential to have a great career in your field. Throwing your life away because someone who tutored you was in legal trouble would be excessive.” This should be a good start.

    “You’re saying you’re just my tutor? Do you- do you not understand how I felt about you? How I feel about you now? My life was dull before I met you. Dull, boring, like I was sleepwalking. It may have seemed to you like you were ‘just a tutor,’ but can you imagine what that was like for me? Having all that brightness in my life, after a life of just gray? And just for my feelings to be ignored, and even worse, for that brightness to disappear completely. It meant everything to me. I- I loved you. I still love you!” Tears began to well up at the corners of her eyes as she faced me in anguish.

 

    “I know...” I managed to squeak that much out. I was caught off guard. Having what felt like my own feelings towards Mary, thrown back at me, set my thoughts reeling. The problem here wasn’t a lack of empathy on my part, not an inability to understand her emotions, but having too deep of an understanding.

    I must have been foolish thinking I could face these feelings head-on. Maybe the nagging voice in my head, the one telling me I’m worthless was right. If I had caused that level of anguish to someone, maybe I really deserve whatever wrath she might have for me. Maybe I- I stopped. Mary was looking at me, concern in her eyes. I can’t let myself get caught up in that trap of emotions. I had told Mary I would handle this. Just as I had briefly been the light in Sandra’s light, Mary had become the light in mine. And if Sandra was suffering like this, it would be downright scummy not to at least state things frankly.

    “I’m sorry.” I said. “I’m sorry I failed to acknowledge your feelings. But even so, I can’t come with you back to your world. I don’t have a place there anymore. My place is here, with Mary.”

    “Your girlfriend?” Her voice burned like acid.

    “Yes my- wait, what?”

    “I saw the two of you. You were-” She stopped abruptly, her face once again turning red as she looked down at the floor. That really was for the best because, for some damn reason Mary was grinning, completely failing to read the atmosphere.

    I myself was once again at a loss as to how to respond. She saw that? You know what? I’ll just ignore this. It has nothing to do with the issues at hand. That certainly would explain the anger she seems to hold for Mary despite just meeting her, but that’s not the real issue.

 

   

    I took a deep breath to regain my composure. “Regardless of that all, you know I can’t leave here with you. I may not have been here, but I already have people I need to be with. And returning back would end in either a prison sentence or a life on the run. I’m sorry, Sandra, but I have someone else I love. I just can’t return your feelings for me.”

 

    The room seemed to freeze. I had finally said it, finally told her. I finally gave her an honest answer. Was she going to, well, snap? She sat their, poleaxed. Her eyes began to narrow, and she burst into tears.