Chapter 31: Chapter 30

Post dinner, I sat down on the porch taking in the chill night air, fresh with the smell of the fields and woods, wet dirt, amidst the orchestra of insects that played just past the bounded field. It was peaceful and it put me at ease. I just enjoyed the feeling of nostalgia washing over me as I soaked it all in.

Up above, the moon shone bright, lighting up the world below and the ink-dark of the night sky was a tapestry of wonders, littered with stars like little flecks of dirt that came together in a breathtakingly beautiful swirl, the milky river of stars igniting a spark within me, sending many a feeling buried for ages deep within aflutter like a flock of spooked birds.

I remembered the last time I had seen such a sight and the memory that accompanied it. And with it, the feeling of loss and grief I had spent the greater part of the last four years running from, insisting that I didn't feel it. Denying it's existence. 

A supremely unhealthy way of dealing with grief, I know, but fuck if I know a better one.

Realization does not equal enlightenment after all. I knew my problems but I didn't want to admit to failing at dealing with them.

A wayward tear found its way into my eyes, then another and my throat became choked up with emotion.

I reached up and wiped it away, trying my best to bury the memory again, but it just wouldn't budge.

I sighed and a sniffle escaped my nose. 

"Fuck." I cursed, gulping thickly, "Not here. Not now."

"Why not?" A voice spoke behind me.

I whirled around to find Lily smiling kindly, down at me.

"Coffee?" She handed me a mug.

"Thanks." I flushed and accepted the mug, turning away as I took a sip of the hot beverage. 

There was silence between us for a moment as she sat down and sipped on her own.

"So why not?" She asked again.

"What?" I asked, feigning ignorance and doing a piss poor job of it.

"Whatever this..." She reached out before I could react and wiped a tear from my cheeks, "...is."

I sat there shell shocked for a brief second before I could respond.

"It's nothing." I shook my head, "Just admiring the beauty of the milky way. It's magnificent. Brings tears to the eyes, honestly."

"Is that so?" She asked unconvinced but I figured she'd let it go.

We sat in silence again, enjoying our warm beverages and listening to the crickets chirping in the background.

"So why is the milky way making you bawl?" She broke the silence again.

Dammit woman, learn to take a hint!

"Hasn't anyone told you not to stick your nose in others' business?" I asked.

"No." She replied shamelessly, "Besides, you stuck your nose in mine. It's only fair that I return the favour." 

"No need. I'm a philathropist."

"Are you now? What do you donate, migraines? Tantrums?" She looked down at my pants, "Disappointment?" 

My eyebrows twitched in annoyance.

"Low blow, Lily. Low blow." 

She raised her hand.

"Okay. A little. But I won't have you weeping in tomorrow's training."

"I wasn't weeping. It was barely a sniffle-"

"Of course." She smirked, "So what's bothering you, princess?" 

I rolled my eyes.

"You're not going to let it go, are you?"

"What do you think?" 

Her look gave me the answer.

I sighed.

"Fine." 

At least I know she won't use it against me. She's too lawful good to do that. That's the one thing you can rely on people like her for. And who knows, maybe I'll even get some sympathy points from her. 

I'm certainly not doing this to vent. Not at all. Nope.

"It's my grandfather." I reminisced, "He raised me on a farm, just like this, in upstate Wyoming. It was a simple life. I liked it. The cows, the dogs, the sheep, the stink of horseshit. Every summer, we ran this horseriding camp, which was just a nice way of saying we fleeced horsegirls. Banged a couple myself when I was sixteen. Horsegirls go crazy in the hay, if you know what I mean." 

She rolled her eyes and I smiled.

Though I say that, I never found any joy in it. Girls never really clicked with me. Then again, they were as intellectually stimulating as a brick to the head so I can't exactly say I did them for the pleasure of their company. It was mostly the curiosity of 'I wonder what that feels like' and then the pleasant high that lasted for all of two seconds and post nut clarity. 

Working out in the hay for half an hour for a two second hit of pleasure was just... inefficient. Not to mention boring.

But I digress.....

I continued.

"We didn't need the dough, grandpa was fucking rich. With a capital F." I chuckled, "But he took this silly sort of pleasure seeing the rookies faceplant into manure. Made me place a whole patch right at the wrong turn too. He had it down to an art. And can't say I didn't enjoy it either."

"Now I can see where you get your twisted personality from." She commented.

"Hey! He was a good man. Just....not the biggest fan of people. They...well, they did what people do."

"Fuck?" She offered, amused. 

I laughed and shook my head.

"Disappoint."

"Ouch." She simmered down.

"Yeah. Just miss the old man. He was my only family. And the farm, lot's of painful memories there." I smiled sadly, and sighed.

"Painful memories or memories that come with pain?" She suddenly asked.

Hmmm.....that was..... interesting.

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"What's the difference?" I asked, even though I had an inkling of what she meant.

"Painful memories are of horrible events, whereas memories that are painful to remember are just those of times you know will never come back." She said with a sombre, nostalgic tone, her eyes searching the middle distance for a time gone by, "And it hurts to realize that. You never know you're living in the good old times, until one day you wake up and realize you're not."

"Definitely the second." I nodded and replied.

"Every time I remember those times, it makes me realize just how alone I truly am." 

I think it was that loneliness that pushed me subconsciously to become friends with Neal, despite all those red flags. I just wanted a friend, someone smart enough, witty enough. Someone fun to be around. 

Biggest mistake of my life. 

Well, my past life. I'm sure I'll make even bigger ones this time around. That's not even a speculation, just a game of statistics. I intend to be immortal and an eternity is long enough for worse things to happen. Can't say I'm looking forward to future me's fuck-ups though.

"I wish I could tell you it gets better, but...." Lily spoke, grabbing my attention and my shoulder as she shrugged hers.

"Yeah. I can see that." I smiled.

A soft silence descended between the two of us until she took her hand off my shoulder and patted my back.

"Do you know what this farm means to me?" She asked.

"Yeah. But I didn't want to bring it up. Manners and all that. Didn't want to scratch at old wounds."

"My! You have manners?!" She exclaimed.

"Now that's just mean." I huffed, crossing my arms, putting my pretty face to full use and she laughed.

"No. Smuggling my daughter out of Heaven and nearly giving me a heart attack that sent me off with her is." She shot back.

I raised an eyebrow.

"I thought you were grateful?" 

"I am. But I'm also sure I could have done without the grand gestures and a forward warning."

"Yeah. I can see that now." I nodded, "Sorry." 

"It's okay. It's the thought that matters. Not that you had any good ones, I doubt." She teased.

"Yes, yes. I know. But my offer is genuine." 

"I know. I wouldn't have taken it if it wasn't." She replied, "Regardless, that's not my point."

She turned back and summoned an old picture frame to her hands with telekinesis. It was a picture of three people. A woman in a sundress, a man in a pilgrim outfit and a little girl in a long skirt.

Lily rubbed the picture, clean and turned back to me.

"Nearly a 100 years ago now, I lived right here with my family. My daughter, my husband. It was an idyllic life." She paused for breath, and looked longingly back at the picture.

"But the past has a way of catching up with you. Before I met my then husband, before I summoned him, I summoned another angel. A wrathful one. Ishim." She spat his name with such venom it could melt steel beams.

Her grip tightened on the picture frame ever so slightly.

"He taught me all there was to know about Enochian magic. All of his secrets, all of his ways. Their ways. But in return he demanded my love with a dangerous obsession. He wanted it all for himself. He wanted me all for himself. He even got jealous and abusive whenever I showed any love to my daughter. It was manic. Until one day, while he was beating me, I bled just enough and he grew neglectful for just long enough for me to be able to draw an angel banishing sigil. I banished him away that day." She shivered, "But I knew he would be back and when he did, there would be no saving grace for me. I wasn't strong enough then, not like now. I had the knowledge, but mastery of magic had yet eluded me. So I took a gamble on the only thing that can stop an angel. Another one of his kind." 

She looked up and let out a sigh, "It was stupid. I knew it was. I could have called another one like him. Or he could figure out what I was doing and just come back himself. But I had no choice. Thankfully, against all odds, it worked. My gamble paid off. The angel who heeded my summons was truly deserving of the title. He was all I could ask for and more. Kind, gentle, and righteous. Akobel.

We were happy, those next few years."

"But then Ishim returned." I knew the story. I had seen it happen, both using the Kaleidoscope and in the show.

She nodded. 

"He returned with a vengeance, him and his flight. Benjamin, Mirabel, Castiel."

And that's another thing I need to keep track of. Can't let her meet Castiel before I get what I want. If she meets Castiel and kills him, that'll shine a bright spotlight right on my whole operation. Slaying God's favourite angel, at least for these few seasons of the show, was a one way ticket to the afterlife. Alongside the Winchesters, he was one of the landmines I really don't want to step on.

"They slew Akobel right here, on these steps." She continued, "Stained the land with his dying grace. And then he walked in alone. Held me at a distance. And then....." She gripped her fist tight, curled like rebar, rage unbridled shaking in her voice.

"He forced me to watch as he butchered my little May before my very eyes." 

"Hey. Hey, it's okay. We'll get revenge on them. I promise." 

I reached out and held her hand, rubbing the back of it gently with my thumb as she came back to the present and calmed down.

"Sorry." She muttered, "I got carried away." 

"Happens to the best of us. Don't worry about it." I assured her with a smile.

She nodded mutely, and settled herself before she spoke again.

"I went off track for a bit. But what I wanted to say was this. People aren't meant for loneliness. I should know. After my first husband died, I was lonely too. Raising a newbirn in the frontier, tensing to the farm, all alone....it was difficult. I just wanted someone to rely on. And that mistake cost me with Ishim. And it blessed me with Akobel. You know what was the difference between the two of them?"

"Akobel wasn't a psychopath?" I joked, trying to turn the conversation away from this topic before it got out of hand.

"It was how they reacted upon seeing that wound of loneliness. That vulnerability. When Ishim saw it, he jumped at the chance to dig into it, carve himself a pound of flesh. But when Akobel saw the same thing, he gave me a hug. He healed me. He held me gently and assured me everything would be fine. That's often how it is with relationships in life. You can choose to be lonely, to shut yourself off to the world or you can take that step forward, open up and expose your wound, and hope that the person you trusted with it doesn't hurt you with it. That's what human relationships are. That's how you find the good ones. By opening yourself up to the possibility of getting hurt."

"Okay?" I said awkwardly and got whacked on the head.

"I'm trying to help you here, boy. Don't make that face." She scolded.

"Well, uh...thanks?"

She sighed and shook her head.

"You'll get it when you come to the crossroads, boy. I hope you make the right choice then." She finished her coffee and I finished mine, handing her the cup as she stood up.

"So do I." I smiled.

She nodded.

"Go to sleep. We start training early tomorrow, at the break of dawn. You won't get five more minutes then." She warned.

"Aye aye captain." I waved her off and hopped up to my feet, walking over to my little sleeping bag on the floor and snuggled in for the night.

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