Chapter 6: Chapter 5

Crystalline shards shattered space, spilling a kaleidoscope of colors into the surroundings as we appeared in a walk-in closet of epic proportions. A quarter the size of the lab, it was lined with shelves, boxes, wardrobes and vaults all neatly arranged in rows and stacks before us. The shelves were a beautiful mahogany, polished and carved intricately, each carrying a sense of history. I could feel the weight of their existence with just my new senses. It was a whole new experience, this sixth sense that came with the new body. Magic, existence, even a measure of reality. I could sense it all vaguely, especially in this place.

The whole place was overflowing with magic, every breath smelled like a delightful mix of new books and old, rustic furniture.

I couldn't help but stare wide-eyed as I took in all the sights with fascination.

"Glad you like it." Hedge chuckled and snapped his fingers, "But first things first!"

Suddenly, the shelves and stacks began to fold in on themselves, the space around us shifted and the whole place came alive as it rearranged itself.

Within seconds, a walkway opened up before us, wardrobes lining the path. Every outfit imaginable hung on them, hooks, shelves, stands and hangers. From pimp coats, to breech boots, three piece suits to jazz bodysuits with an obnoxious amount of glitter. Even some bikinis with a hole in them for the tail.

So he does have a catgirl wife. And here I thought he was joking.

Lucky bastard!

"Now now, don't you know the bro code?" I raised an eyebrow at his question.

"Thou shalt not covet thy bro's wife or significant other, and especially not his mother." He explained.

"So the father's okay?" I asked with a cheeky grin.

"Go ahead." He gave me a thumbs up, with a mischievous smirk, "Just make sure to bury him back in his grave."

Damn. He had me beat there. But I'm not one to admit defeat!

"Don't you worry. There won't be much left to bury by the time I'm done. I can get very....passionate." I said, keeping a straight face.

Hedge looked at me for a moment as my facade slipped ever so slightly before he burst out laughing.

I couldn't hold it for long either, my facade cracked and I snorted in laughter.

Dark humor, the best way to make new friends.

"Haah!" He heaved, wiping a tear from his eyes, "Alright. Enough dicking around. Let's get you out of those clothes."

"Oh my~ I didn't think you swung that way. What would your wife think?" I teased.

He smirked, and stepped in closer, lifting up my chin.

"How can I resist, when you look like you came straight out of femboy hooters?"

"Oof. You didn't need to go straight for the jugular." I rolled my eyes.

He laughed and threw me a cream colored silk shirt and dark pants.

"I can see your navel, bud." He poked my stomach and I pulled the shirt down to no avail. The woman had been a tad short. I'm surprised the homunculus guarding the door didn't notice it. Then again, I was hunched over, it was dark and homunculi aren't exactly the sharpest tools in the shed.

"And who designed the female uniforms to be this way?" I shot back.

"Well, daddy needs a little eye candy from time to time." He winked, before pointing behind me to a changing room, "Still, change up. Then we'll get you some other clothes and equipment."

I nodded and walked in, changing out of the smelly uniform and into a fresh pair when I noticed something on my shoulder. A branding, like one done on cattle, that shimmered faintly when I looked at it.

"Hey, um...Hedge? What's this horse branding thing on my shoulder?" I asked as I put on my new clothes.

"Oh, right. I was about to get to it. Remember how I said the homunculi were my arms and legs into the multiverse?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, they aren't particularly powerful by multiversal standards. So before they can get a foothold and sometimes even afterwards, I need something to hide their presence from psionics and psychic scans. The spirit senses of those xianxia worlds are especially egregious. You won't believe how many many Young MastersTM have tried to sexually assault my homunculi."

"Have you considered not sending female homunculi to xianxia worlds in the first place?" I chuckled.

"They didn't leave the males alone either. I don't know if you've noticed but-"

"Yeah, I look pretty feminine." I noted.

"Exactly. And that's why I made that. That branding over there is a little diddy I made to keep them safe. Unless someone crosses a certain threshold, like a demigod or something, most of their scans and senses will pass over you, ignore you or consider you to be just another ordinary person, not worthy of any suspicion. Won't stop them from seeing you face to face or physically but it's better than nothing. It also grants you a little bit of resistance against mind control once." He explained.

"So passive stealth against supernatural radar?" I asked.

"Sounds about right." He said as I came out of the changing room.

"You also have a T-virus immunization against zombie plagues and other viral diseases. Made it after one of mine ventured into Marvel Zombies and....well...." He sighed.

"Sounds rough." I sympathized. Marvel Zombies was horrifying. I can only imagine what happened.

Hedge rubbed his temples, remembering it.

"It was a shitshow. Took months of cleanup before we were safe for any more research work."

"Anyways...about the gear..." I hinted and he perked up.

"Gear? That can wait. First, you need more clothes. Better clothes. You can't just wear the same thing everyday, now can you?"

"I remember seeing some cleaning spells in the manual you put in my head. I'm sure-"

"No." He wagged a finger in my face, "What if they tear? Or burn up? What will you do then? You're getting at least another pair. Maybe two."

"Can't argue with that logic." I shrugged, "I was just planning on buying some when I got to my first world. Local clothing would help me blend in better."

"You're not wrong. But it's better to have and not need-"

"Than need and not have." I completed, with a nod.

"Glad we're on the same page. Now, how about we start with formals? Here try this suit. And that tie looks like it'd go well with it. And..."

"You just want to play dress up, don't you."

"I don't know what you're talking about~" He whistled as he pushed the pile of clothes onto me.

"Well, I don't mind. I did want a coat too. And that one. And give me that shirt, the blue one."

"Now you're talking!" He smiled and we got to putting together a good pair of outfits for me.

.

"So?" I looked at myself in the mirror, with a trench coat and hat.

"I can see you're going for the Boggart look." He said, looking me over.

"Well, I was going for pockets. And it doubles as a raincoat. And it's got bulletproof coating."

"Yes. Pair it with a nice set of boots and you'll be all ready for the western front, mein soldat." He said, sarcasm dripping off his tongue.

"It was all the rage at the last Pitti Uomo." I defended.

"Pfft! Pitti Uomo. That convention of rich second generation douchebags. What do they know about fashion?"

"They're literally the men's fashion industry." I pointed out.

"They're pretentious, know-it-alls who think they know better than you. Have you seen how ridiculous they look with five layer of coats and mufflers? I swear I saw one guy wearing two hats and mismatched shoes once. And don't get me started on spretzattura-"

"Yes, yes. I get it. You don't dig the trench coat."

"My! How did you figure that out genius?" He chuckled, "Besides, when your style of clothing is exclusive to a class occupied by school shooters, pedophile streakers and 50s noir detectives, maybe you should rethink your choices."

I rolled my eyes at him and removed it, hanging it up on the rack beside me.

"Then what?"

"How about that vest I gave you?"

"It seemed tacked on."

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He raised an eyebrow.

"Look, I like vests as much as the next guy. I wear them with my three piece suits and if I want that extra bit of pizazz on an outfit, but I'm going to be travelling to another world. I figure it's practical to get something with pockets and other benefits."

"Everything doesn't have to be practical, you know? Some things can be for yourself, because you want to look good. First impressions matter a lot."

He wasn't wrong. Maybe I'm being too practical. It shouldn't make that big of a difference anyways.

"I suppose they do." I nodded, "Alright, do you have one with pockets?"

"Now you're asking the right questions." He smiled, and summoned a couple of them for me along with a lighter coat with the same properties as the trench coat.

"There you go."

.

"Well, that settles it then." I looked at myself in the mirror as I adjusted my striped navy blue tie.

I still had the shirt and pants from before, now covered with a burgundy vest and a lighter sand coloured coat that had the same functionality as the trench with less than half the bulk. It was also darker on the inside so I could flip it over and turn it into a charcoal coat. Great for camouflage in the night or in the dirt. Along with a pair of monk strap boots in brown, and matching doeskin gloves, it really brought the outfit together.

"You look dapper as fuck." I caught Hedge admiring my reflection as he nodded approvingly and gave me a thumbs up.

"I look like a proper gentleman. All I need now is a monocle and top hat." I joked.

"And gadgets. No gentleman spy is complete without their Q branch issued exploding pens and laser watches." He played along.

I smiled. I did just go from looking like Le Chiffre to well, a shota James Bond. Just look at those soft almond eyes, silky, chestnut brown hair and charming smile.

I whistled. I look good.

"Now that the clothes are sorted..." I turned to Hedge.

He nodded.

"Come, I'll show you to the gear." He led me around the wardrobes to a section stacks with boxes and shelves, filled to the brim with weapons, rations, tools etc.

It looked like a miniature army surplus store.

"Go on. Pick whatever you need. But before you make a beeline for the mountaineering backpack-"

"I know. I can't be lugging around baggage everywhere." I picked up a nice leather messenger bag from a shelf beside me.

"Can't I get one of those bags of holding though?"

"We agreed on mundane items. That was the deal. And those bags of holding are expensive. I can give you one but then you won't get the kaleidoscope mystic code. Choose wisely."

"No, I get it. I'll just get one myself once I'm out there." I refused.

The Kaleidoscope was far more important.

"That'd be for the best." He agreed.

As we looked around, I began to pick the essentials. A paracord, an army knife, lighter, a flashlight and hand cranked charger, spices, a bar of soap, a water bottle with a lifestraw among others. Even a bunch of tampons, they made for good kindling when you can't find dry wood. Adding on a medkit, rations and some space blankets, I was almost done.

"Here." Hedge handed me a box.

I raised an eyebrow as I opened it to reveal a phone and one of those light up nekomimi headphones that PewDiePie wears.

"My old phone from my time travelling around the multiverse. It's got songs, some movies and novels. Should keep you from dying of boredom on the journey. It should connect to most internet systems and modern telecom networks."

How considerate of him.

"Thanks. I appreciate it." I smiled and stuffed it into my bag.

Finally when it came to weapons, I turned to Hedge.

"I notice a distinct lack of the exploding pens and laser watches I was promised." I teased.

"I do have them. I even have taser rings and exploding lighters." He pointed to another display some ways from us, obscured partially by the shelves. And indeed, as I walked over, I spotted the items there, the promised gadgets, straight out of Kingsman.

Before I could get them though, Hedge stopped me.

"I think it's best you skip them. You have no experience in using them and for all I know, you might just end up electrocuting yourself. Or the pen could twist in your bag and blow your hips right off. Keep it simple for now." He warned.

As much as I wanted to disagree, he was right. My body was still atrophied, my muscles weak. I needed some time and exercise before I could get them back to ship shape. If I fumbled or messed up, I could very well die.

"I still need a weapon." I said, looking around till I found a rack and display with guns.

"Of course. You can't go out without one." He agreed.

"So do you have a laser pistol? Plasma rifle? Lightsaber?"

"Yes, to all of that." He pointed them out across the room, "But they're too big to be carried and the ammo isn't something that'll fit in your bag. Not to mention the lightsaber has the same problems as the other gadgets. You're more likely to chop your own arm off with it than use it in actual combat."

"Man, I really wanted the lightsaber." I looked at the weapon of every boy's dreams in the display.

Still, I wasn't trained in swordsmanship or lightsaber combat. I really wasn't much of a fighter anyway. So Hedge was right.

"Who doesn't?" He smiled, "But it's for the best that you don't take it. Besides that's one of only three I have right now, so I wouldn't have given them to you anyways. In lieu of that, I'd suggest.... This." He took out a revolver from the rack and handed it to me.

"The .44 Magnum." I recognized.

"The strongest handgun in the world." Hedge adlibbed, "Don't ya feel lucky, punk?"

"That's not how the line goes." I laughed, as I raised it before me, aiming at a dart board on an empty wall in the distance.

Of course, I wasn't going to shoot. My finger wasn't even on the trigger despite the gun not being loaded.

It was basic gun safety. Always consider a gun to be loaded, no matter what.

"That's how it goes in this universe." Hedge said.

"Damn. Do they also call parmesan parmesian?"

"How did you know?" He joked.

I chuckled.

"And here I thought we lived in the worst timeline."

____________________

And here's the next chapter.

Sorry it was late.

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