Chapter 170: 170-Episode 149 Confession

'Ginette, ...... we need to talk.'

I stopped Ginette as she was heading for the kitchen.

I'll tell you everything.

I'm not in a position to be thinking about ...... staying or going in the first place.

If Jeannette knows everything about my past,......

If Jeannette knew all about my past, ...... I wouldn't be able to stay here. Of course not. There is no one in the world who would want to keep such a scoundrel around.

The only reason I'm here now is because ............ I'm the biggest liar of them all.

I say nothing. I admit nothing. I pretend I don't know.

Because I'm taking advantage of their good intentions without reservation.

Because, you know, ......

Who would want to hang out with these ............ criminals?

'Will you ...... listen to me?

He held his gaze, ready to run away at any moment if he wasn't careful, but he held it steady.

He continued to stare at Jeannette's face.

'...... Yes.'

After a long pause, Jeannette smiled softly.

Her chest ...... creaked at the smile, which would normally have been a relief.

'So let's make some tea, after all. It will be ready soon, so please sit and wait.'

'Eh ......'.

Before I could ...... say anything about tea or anything else, Jeannette had walked into the kitchen.

............ Oh, right.

Anyway, I sat down at a random seat.

I thought I had chosen a seat at random, but it turned out to be the one at the far end of the cafeteria, where I always like to sit.

After all, this is where I feel most comfortable.

'............ phew'.

My heart is still aching, but the tension in my heart has eased a bit.

I need to catch my breath. ...... My heart is racing, and I can't get a good rest.

Let the oxygen flow into your head.

Then I'll think again, properly.

About my future: ......From now on, I will ............

'I'll tell you everything about ......

............ and leave it all to Jeannette.

Honestly, I can't decide for myself anymore.

I've been underestimating me.

No, that's the attitude I've been trying to maintain.

No one would be bothered by my absence. I was a little lonely at first, but then I went back to normal. ...... I tried to convince myself that that's how the world works.

Because it's easier.

But Loretta and Magda are denying it.

At least there are ...... people who will be sad to see me go. And it's not just one or two, but ...... many.

But that doesn't mean that I'm allowed to ...... pretend that the past doesn't exist and settle down to a peaceful life here at ...... this sunny pavilion.

I'm in a quandary.

My thoughts are stuck and I'm going in circles.

'Yashiro-san. Come in.'

Ginette returns and places a cup of tea in front of me. She puts down her own tea and sits down across from me.

This may be the last time we sit across from each other like this. ............ No, I'm sure it will be.

If I tell you everything ......

I'll have a cup of tea for now.

The warm, fragrant tea warms my stomach.

But it didn't quell the buzz in my heart.

'............'

'............'

Jeannette sits in front of me, not saying a word.

She's waiting for me to talk.

She doesn't urge me, doesn't bore me, doesn't rush me, doesn't pressure me, but waits quietly for me to start talking.

You can't just sit back and let it happen.

I have to finish ...... it.

I take one more sip of tea and open my mouth.

'..................What if'?

...... Hello?

What's that?What am I saying?

'......What if someone you know ...... is very close ...... to you, for example, someone you work with, someone you have such a close relationship with. .......'

That's crazy. ......

What's wrong with my head?

'............ what if he's done something wrong in the past ......'

What's with the metaphor ......?

What the hell am I talking about?

'Then .................. what would you do?'

My heart tightened and my stomach suddenly grew heavy.

It's as if I've been swallowed up in a muddy river, my body can't free itself, I can't breathe.

The time is not moving ...... forward, and the atmosphere is so heavy that ...... you feel as if you are separated from the world.

'...... evil, is it?

Ginette said quietly, without any surprise or distraction.

However, the usual innocent cheerfulness was not there, and I could clearly understand that she was seriously thinking about it.

'Yes,......, for example,.............'

That's not an example. ......

'...... scammer, was ...... and so on'.

It's not, like, .............

If I could, I'd take me out right now and beat the shit out of me.

I want to tell you to go f*ck yourself and call you out.

I'm sure even Jeannette knows who you're referring to with this stupid metaphor. He's not that stupid.

And yet, I'm so miserable to the very end that I'm going to make this ...... bad joke.

It's a shame, isn't it?

'...... what if'

When you have sunk into self-loathing, nausea, and intense anger at yourself, and have begun to be deeply disappointed in yourself, Ginette opened her mouth.

But what came out of her mouth was not an answer, but a question.

'What would you do, Yashiro-san, if the person who is by your side is not really the person you think he is?

It's very similar to a silly analogy I made: ......

'......For example, what if the person who works with Yashiro had committed a sin in the past?

But unlike my shallow parable, ......

'...... What if he had committed the crime of eating away in the past?

It was a shocking confession.

Jeannette is a ...... eater?

This ...... ginette seems to live in a world that is the opposite of malicious.

I must have looked like a complete idiot. Ginette gives a small giggle.

But the smile was immeasurably lonely.

'In the act of living, to varying degrees, sin is born within each of us. It would be a great blessing if we could live our lives free of such things, without committing any sin.

Ginette preaches like a sermon.

But there was a hint of guilt in it, as if she was talking to me and also to herself.

Jeannette takes the cup and drinks the tea quietly.

Then, holding the cup in her hands, she began to speak slowly.

'A girl was taken in by the church when she was three years old. She was three years old. We didn't know where she was before that, what kind of environment she was born and raised in, ...... what kind of people her parents were, or what they thought when they gave her up. She had been abandoned in the swamp.

Wetlands......

The marsh is a place where frogs live in abundance and no human being can get close.

Abandoning a child there can be taken as a clear sign of ...... 'I don't want this child anymore'.

For that reason, he went all the way to the swampy .................. area, and didn't throw the child off the top of the cliff in the 30th district... .........

I'm not sure what to do.

But I don't care about that now. I'm more interested in how the abandoned girl lived her life after ...... than how she was abandoned.

Even though I was mildly confused, I composed myself and turned my attention to Jeannette.

As if she was waiting for me, our eyes met, and Ginette opened her mouth again.

'In the Church, we do not hide things from our children. We tell them everything, no matter what the past. Of course, the timing of the story will be delayed a bit to take into account the child's state of mind. ......'

Once again, sipping from the cup, Jeannette drinks the tea, just enough to moisten her lips.

'The girl had an ego and understood that she had been abandoned. But ...... she couldn't remember her parents or her home. Perhaps the shock of being abandoned confused his memory, but ...... eventually, as time goes by, his past memories will disappear completely and he will probably never remember them again. ......'

This may be because the mind is unconsciously defending itself.

Too painful a past can tear a man's heart to shreds.

In order to prevent mental breakdown, the human brain may prevent us from remembering what we do not want to remember.

Memory loss is not an uncommon occurrence.

'Even though she couldn't remember, the girl was aware that she had been abandoned, and for the next two years ...... she didn't open up to anyone. I'm not sure if it's a good idea, but it's a good idea.

Not even to that Bertina. ......

I can't imagine. I can't imagine Ginette avoiding Bertina.

'In the year of turning five, ...... it is customary in the Church for the children to participate in community service. It was something as simple as pulling weeds together or cleaning up the streets, and all the kids had fun doing it together. However, the girl who didn't want to get along with anyone couldn't even do the service work well. ...... She was assigned to another service work with Sister Bertina.

Adults manage children who don't do well with other children individually. It's common in elementary schools.

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Jeannette must have been treated as such a child.

'The church had an activity where they visited the homes of elderly people who lived alone and listened to their stories, and the girl was assigned to accompany them. The girl, who had been shut up since she was taken in by the church, was exposed to the outside world for the first time. That was the Sundaari Pavilion.

This must have been the closest house to the church where the old people lived.

The old man ran the place by himself.

'It smelled so good, and there were so many people smiling and talking. ...... The old man who lived there was so kind, even to the grumpy girl who was seeing him for the first time. ......... The old man who lived there was very kind, even to the grumpy little girl who was seeing him for the first time. ............ ... the place looked very bright to the little girl. ...... It was bright and bright and ............ she didn't like it. '

Those who are trapped in darkness seek and crave for light.

But those who shut themselves up in the dark abhor, hate and reject the light. Because they don't want the light to shine on them as they shut themselves away in the darkness. ......

Because they believe that the light will expose their miserable selves.

But ......

'Even though she didn't like the place so much, ...... at the same time, the girl began to long for it.

Turning your back on ...... means you're always aware of it. ...... It's the other side of longing.

It's a great way to make sure you're getting the most out of your time and money.

And yet, as long as you turn away from it, you will always have it in your mind, and the more you avoid it, the more you will yearn for it.

The more you avoid it, the more you yearn for it.' Then one day, ......, the girl slipped out of the church and headed for the sunlit pavilion. In hindsight, it's not much of a distance, but ...... for the girl at the time, going outside the church alone and heading to the sunlit pavilion uninvited seemed like a great adventure, as much as going around the world.

escaping......I'm surprised that Jeannette was the kind of girl who would do something so drastic.

Come to think of it, I don't know anything about her.

I just found out about it.

'At church, I couldn't open up to adults or children, and I thought ...... this was no place for me,' the girl said.

'............'

That's why, I think, she was attracted to ...... a bright place. Anyway, the girl walked ...... and walked ...... to the sunny pavilion.

Suddenly, Jeannette twisted her body and looked towards the entrance of the store.

...... Did she stand there and sneak a peek inside?That little ginette.

But I couldn't get in.

Turning to face me again, the ginette smiles faintly.

'Because I didn't have any money .......'

'......n'.

She lets out a short ...... sound that isn't even a 'yes'.

Even though it was such a short sound, ...... it made me feel like I was talking too much.

I felt ...... uncomfortable, as if I had barged into the wrong place.

So I kept my mouth shut and waited for the rest of the conversation.

I was wondering where I should direct my gaze, but ...... anyway, I waited quietly for the next one.

'The sunlit pavilion was ...... a very bright place. And ............ it smelled so good.'

In the eyes of the girl who had lost her place, this place, crowded with regular customers, must have seemed dazzling.

The good smell is ...... well, understandable.

It's not just the smell of food.

When I first came here, there was a good smell coming from ...... the sunlit pavilion. ............ Yes, it was a very nostalgic smell.

It was a warm, gentle, enveloping ...... smell, not just the smell of delicious food, but the smell of a ...... happy, home.

'I can't go into the store, but I have nowhere to go back to. ......Hmm, you must have really thought so at the time. ......While I was wandering around the store with these thoughts, I found a small hole in the back of the store. I found a small hole behind the shop. There was a small hole in the decrepit fence that a child could squeeze through.

The first time I visited, the sunken pavilion was quite shabby. It was no wonder that the walls were rotten and brittle, and that the boards were cracked and had holes in them.

And children can spot such holes and walk through them.

'Someone might find me. I might get angry. Such fears were then relegated to the background. ...... The girl explored the courtyard ...... and found the pantry.

Back then, the Church wasn't as wealthy as it is now.

Even when I first came here, it was deserted and so rundown that it looked like it was about to collapse.

I don't think the church at that time had the financial power to feed Jeannette to the hilt.

In addition, Ginette had once said that 'abandoned children were too shy to eat'.

That's how poor he was financially.

And Ginette, who says she never opened her heart to anyone, must have also refused to eat at .......

Then there's the larder at the sunny pavilion: ......

'I didn't feel guilty. Just attracted by the food in front of her,......, the girl put her hand on it. As if possessed by something, she ate it like crazy. And ............'.

Jeannette was found by her grandfather.

'......'I thought my heart would stop,' she said. The girl panicked and couldn't ...... really say anything, not even a single ...... word, and the next thing she knew, she was running. The place she ran to in desperation was the church.

Even adults panic when they are caught doing something wrong.

Even those who openly harm others do so as a result of their panic. At that time, the emotion that the criminal has is ...... fear.

In order to escape that fear, people can be brutal to any extent.

But the regret that follows is indescribable.

'I have regrets. I regretted leaving the church, going to the sunlit pavilion, sneaking into the courtyard, ...... and stealing food. ............ The girl was anxious. The girl was so anxious that she couldn't sleep a wink that day.

Even in the church she fled to, there was no one she could call an ally.

...... It must have been very hard for her.

'In the end, I couldn't sleep at all and when dawn ...... broke and I went out of my bedroom to wash my face, ...... I found my grandfather in the church. And he was talking to the sisters. ............Then the girl thought: ......... ...Oh, now I'm going to be thrown away again .......'

In spite of her attitude of being out of the circle and in solitude, Ginette was probably more afraid of solitude than anyone else.

And she knew exactly the weight of the crime she had committed.

'But ............ the girl's intentions are off. And ......'

Ginette let out a laugh.

'Something unexpected happened.

The next day, the old man started donating to the church.

It was then that Jeannette began to donate the breakfast she was now serving.

'The girl didn't understand, so one day ...... she boldly asked her grandfather. 'You know everything, so why don't you tell me?' ...... 'Why don't you get angry with me?

The old man replied, "I'm not angry with you.

The old man replied, "I give good food to those who are hungry. That's what a diner does.

Not long after that, Jeannette began to help out at the Sunshine Pavilion, and was officially taken in when she turned twelve.

By that time, she had opened her heart completely and became friendly with Bertina, her grandfather, and all the residents of the city.

'Mr. Yashiro. As long as we are alive, we will sin. And we regret it, and we are pained by it. That's why the Church listens to people's repentance. That's why the Church listens to people's repentance, because it can lead to salvation.

'But ......'.

Yeah, that's fine for a guy like you.

You have the right to repent and live a new life.

But ......

'What if you've committed a crime that can't be forgiven even with repentance?He has caused so much trouble to others, deprived them of happiness and peace, and been hated by so many people. ...... Who would accept that such a person would feel forgiven and start his life over just because he did penance? Who's going to accept that? I'm not sure what to do.

His tone of voice became harsher and harsher.

You're taking it out on me. ...... You're disgusting.

I found myself slamming my tightly clenched fists on the table.

'There are some ...... people who should not be allowed to be .........'

Ginette's hand was gently placed on top of my ...... fist.

It's a ...... warm hand that gently wraps around my tightly clenched fist.

'No, Mr. Yashiro.'

The quiet voice spreads like it permeates the body.

'You are not doing penance to have your sins forgiven.

He said the words slowly, as if he were carefully conveying each word.

'I do penance to remember ...... my sins, to face them, and to forgive myself one day.

'To remember ...... your sins, to ...... forgive yourself ............ ............'

'Yes. People do penance in order to look straight into the future.

Repentance always starts with telling yourself about the sins you have committed.

Awareness of the sin. And deep reflection. ......

Forgiveness is not something that can be ............ given to others, is it?

'I still make a lot of mistakes. I'm sure you'll find a lot of things you can learn from him.

A hand wraps around my fist and squeezes.

'I, too, ...... that girl who once sinned are still immature, but we are living hard in the present. We are looking straight into the future.

I turned away from the ...... future, turned away from the ...... past, turned away from the ............ past, and now You were trying to escape.

'If words could reach the people in Yashiro's parable, ...... I would tell them this.

Letting go of her hands, Ginette folded her hands in front of her chest.

With her eyelids closed in a prayerful pose, Jeannette uttered the words she had heard so often.

'...... Please repent.'

In the end, Ginette did not give me a clear answer.

As long as I can't forgive my sins, my sins will last forever. ............

Forever. ......

There's a ceremony tomorrow.

I can't let Jeannette stay up late any longer.

He always falls asleep before nine o'clock, you know.

'Mr. Yashiro. Good night.

After the inconclusive discussion, Ginette bowed to me and went to her room.

And as she left, she left me with these words.

'See you tomorrow.

Oh my god, ...... is it really this easy to understand when the position changes?

'Ah. See you tomorrow.

These short words, less than ten words, eased my ............ anxiety.

Ginette went back to her room and left me alone again.

I can't think anymore, I can't find an answer.

I can't even leave it to Ginette.

If something goes wrong at the ceremony tomorrow, ...... I can put my answer on hold without thinking about it. ............

I went back to bed, thinking about such useless things.

And the next day. The ceremony went off without a hitch.

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