When I was in the upper grades of my elementary school, I suddenly grew taller. My clothes didn’t always fit right, and the sudden change made me feel uneasy at times.
But it wasn’t all bad. When I played tennis, I could reach farther with my racket, and I also had the advantage in smashing.
It was good until people were starting to talk about how tall I was. When my friends told me that the boys in class were talking about this, even as a child, I thought it was unreasonable.
“You’re getting carried away just because you stand out a little.”
I could put up with it if it was just a rumor, but when a few of the boys didn’t sing when I accompanied them on the piano during choir time, I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t take me seriously.
One of those people handed me a letter when the school year changed.
My friend, who had been in my class for two years in a row, had no idea that such a thing had happened and told me,
“He was being mean to you because he liked you, Nozomi-chan.”
I didn’t blame my friends for knowing about it and keeping it a secret.
I didn’t feel any kind of feelings towards the boy now. There was no point in getting angry, and all I could do was return the letter without reading it.
When I apologized and returned the letter, I couldn’t get a good look at his face.
I thought it would be better to return the letter than to pretend that I had never received it. But I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do.
My friends kept talking about which boys in the class they were interested in, or naming celebrities and famous people on video sites that they thought were cool, but all I could do was just give them a little nod.
I could imagine cherishing a friend, but to a boy, I could never imagine that.
When I joined the tennis club in middle school, I became even more self-conscious of the stares of those around me than I had been in elementary school.
A guy from the men’s tennis club offered to take me to practice, but I didn’t want to. I wouldn’t participate unless my friends from the same club were going with me.
When I saw my friends talking to boys in a friendly manner, I sometimes wished I could be like them. But no amount of time during my three years in junior high school could change me.
“Why don’t you ever go out with anyone, Nozomi?”
“Takane-san seems to be dating an older boy, right?”
“I heard that since Takane-san is the student council president, you’re dating the vice president.”
Everyone created their own image of me, and when they found out that it was not like they expected, they looked mystified.
My friends just assumed the kind of person ‘Nozomi Takane’ was and treated me in a way that would not deviate from that assumption.
However, I knew that the worst one was myself.
I couldn’t imagine having a relationship with a man. If I had said so clearly, I was sure my friends wouldn’t have repeated it to me and maybe there wouldn’t have been any arbitrary rumors.
When I entered high school, I wanted to change myself from the way I was in middle school. I didn’t choose the tennis club as my club activity, I didn’t join the student council, and I only played the piano at home.
If I could keep a low profile, I might be able to relax more in school. All I could think of was how people would perceive me. I wanted to avoid making an image that could stand out.
The day of the exam came right after it started snowing. I remembered how cold it was.
The examination numbers were not divided into boys and girls, but in the order in which they applied. I sat by the window and a girl from the same middle school as me talked to me, but all I could do was tell her that I would do my best with her.
“Takane-san, you’re amazingly calm even at times like this.”
I, too, was feeling nervous, but that was what she said to me. I figured that I must always look the same, because I felt so nervous and my expression was so stiff.
The exam started and for a while I was able to concentrate without any problems. However, I was still nervous and made a mistake.
I tried to pick up the eraser, but I was careless and shoved it off my table.
What should I do about the eraser that fell? I thought. I remembered that I had to tell the teacher to get it for me, but before I knew it, I couldn’t get my voice out.
I knew I was nervous, but I didn’t think it would be this bad. I tried to raise my hand to get the supervisor to notice me, but then it happened.
“Excuse me for interrupting the exam. I dropped my eraser.”
The boy next to me called out to the teacher. Before I realized it, there was another eraser near where I dropped mine.
The teacher also noticed my eraser and picked it up for me. The boy next to me didn’t say anything and went back to his exam.
Don’t look anywhere else, I told myself. I kept focusing on solving the test, and when I had finished answering all the questions, I realized I still had a lot of time left.
All the while I was reviewing, I was wondering about the person sitting next to me.
After the exam was over, it was break time and I left my seat.
If he realized I was watching him, he might feel uncomfortable.
I knew that I shouldn’t pretend that I wasn’t watching him, but still, I kept looking at the boy next to me.
“…….”
The boy, he looked at me, and I thought he was smiling.
“…….”
He had noticed me, but I pretended not to see him. I couldn’t help but act that way.
I wondered who he had dressed up for. Unable to figure it out, I walked a little further down the hallway and looked at the window.
I remembered that it had stopped snowing, but it had started to fall again.
Looking at my face reflected in the glass, I realized how expressionless I had been until this moment.
–It wasn’t until I got back to the classroom that I realized that I had forgotten to say thank you. I sat next to him, but I couldn’t say thank you even until the exam was over.
Until the day the exam results were announced, I thought several times about the boy who had helped me.
What if I ended up in the same class as him? I imagined it but stopped myself in the middle of my thought, thinking that there was no way that could happen.
If we were to meet again, there would be no necessity for him to talk to me. Unless I have the opportunity to talk to him, he would just be a stranger even if we were in the same school.
Why did I want to talk to him? What did I want to talk about? I couldn’t even figure that out myself.
“Thank you for that time.”
That might be all I needed to say. To that extent, that was normal.
I kept thinking about the answer to my question, and then the first day of school came.
I couldn’t find him at the entrance ceremony, but I saw him in the same classroom as me.
The boy, Nagito Senda-kun, was talking with Asatani-san who was from the same middle school as him. He looked a little nervous, but he seemed to be enjoying their talk.
Before the physical fitness test, I had to go to the nurse’s office with Asatani-san and the other students in our group to measure our height.
“Takane-san, you look so cool and like a model…”
“It’s the same gym clothes but looks completely different when Takane-san wears it, doesn’t it?”
I was a little embarrassed by all the things that they said, so I finished early and walked out. While students from other groups were taking measurements, the rest in my group were happily talking.
Asatani-san, who was in the center of the circle, smiled at me.
“Takane-san, which one do you want to do, the endurance run or the shuttle run?”
After what happened yesterday, I was a little nervous because I wasn’t sure if I could talk to Asatani-san properly. But, as if my fears were unfounded, she had a cheerful expression.
I was also curious about Asatani-san, so I searched a little about her on the Internet. She was a real celebrity and she was very popular.
“Asatani-san, which would you prefer?”
“Me? I think I’m better at the endurance run.”
After saying that, Asatani-san paused for a moment and stared at me.
She looked exactly as the media portrayed her. I could understand why Nagito-san, who was in a relationship with her, always looked so nervous around her.
But the way she stared at me bothered me a little. If Nagito-san were to stare at me like that, I’d feel troubled.
–But the way Asatani-san’s eyes looked at Nagito-san…
It wasn’t a probing look. To me, it looked like she had her own reason.
“Um… I don’t mind either one. If Noa-… Kiri-chan wants to do the endurance one, I’d rather do it with you.”
“Yes, me too. It’s better to be in a group, after all.”
Yamaguchi-san and Inagawa-san’s attitude were a little awkward. They probably felt reserved because they thought I overheard what they were talking about when I came to school with Nagito-san. It was not that I didn’t want to tell them not to worry about it, I just didn’t know how to say it in such a situation.
I knew it was not nice to talk about such things behind one’s back, but I didn’t think they had bad intentions.
“At that time, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any harm. I was just surprised.”
Asatani-san said that, perhaps daringly.
Asatani-san didn’t tell her friends that Nagito-san and I were in a relationship. Maybe that meant she was looking after us, or maybe the two of us needed to talk together once more…
“You’re surprisingly bold, Takane-san, coming to school with a boy. Even though the first semester has just started.”
“We met each other this morning… Since we’re in the same class, we walked to class together. I also had some things I wanted to discuss with Senda-kun.”
“You two went to different middle schools, right? What did you talk about?”
“You two would hit it off talking about your studies, wouldn’t you? Kiri-chan said that Senda-kun is serious and good at teaching.”
I knew that Nagito-san had shown Asatani-san his notes, but… I didn’t know if they had ever studied together back in middle school…
(With Nagito-san, I too had…)
When I saw him teaching Asatani-san in the classroom, I felt it for the first time.
I wished I could be in that group. I wished I could talk to Nagito-san naturally.
I didn’t care if he didn’t remember what happened during the exam, but it would be nice if I could be a person that was in the same class he felt comfortable talking to.
That was what I thought. Now… Nagito-san and I… Just from thinking about it, I could feel my face getting hot.
“…Takane-san, your face is red. Are you okay?”
“…It’s nothing… That was just your imagination, Watanabe-san.”
Watanabe-san was just worried about me, but her intuition was too sharp. Asatani-san had kept Nagito-san and I’s matter in the dark, so I couldn’t let it slip out like this.
“Ah, it’s annoying to decide whether to take off the jersey or not, isn’t it? And it’s hot today… So, what now? Are we going to do the endurance run?”
“Yes, I’m up for it.”
“I get a stomach ache as soon as I run…”
“I’ll drop out when that happens, so let’s walk together?”
“Yes, yes, let’s all do our best to finish the race.”
Asatani-san encouraged everyone as we headed for the field. At the 200 meter track, students who were waiting for their turn were chatting.
Yamaguchi-san and the others were talking about whether or not they should stretch, and Asatani-san was going to another group by herself. When she came back, she brought one student with her.
Her hair was a little lighter in color, and when the teacher asked her about it, she explained that it had always been that color. When she introduced herself, she said she was from the same junior high school as Nagito-san, but I had never seen her talking to him.
“I’d like to introduce her once again, this is Yui Nakano-chan. As she said when she introduced herself, she’s from the same middle school as Nagi-kun and I.”
“Yes, I was called by Kiri-chan. Takane-san, when I look at you up close, you’re really tall…”
“…No, not really…”
“That makes me jealous… Ah, people don’t say that when they first meet.”
It wasn’t just height that Nakano-san was talking about, but I always got stuck for words because I didn’t know how to answer. I wore a jersey so as not to draw attention to myself, and I was relieved to hear that I could keep it on when running.
“So you’re friends with Asatani-san right, Nakano-san?”
“No, no, no. I’m afraid that’s too much. I am only Noarin’s fan. Just so you know, calling her ‘Kiri-chan’ already got my heart racing.”
“Yui-chan, aren’t you more nervous talking to Takane-san than to me?”
“Because Takane-san is clearly on a different level in life than me. I don’t even know if I can breathe oxygen in the same classroom as you…”
“That’s not true, we took the same exam and are in the same class together.”
Nakano-san, who had a tendency to look away, looked at me in surprise.
I just said what I thought. If I was being vague and didn’t say anything, it would draw a line between me and Nakano-san.
If it was me from middle school, I wouldn’t have been able to say it clearly.
Ever since I met Nagito-san, I had begun to change. I didn’t want to be the person who couldn’t say what I wanted to say.
“…Lo…”
“Lo?”
“I love you.”
“Eh, Um…”
“What are you talking about, Yui-chan? Takane-san is backing away. You said you wanted to be friends, didn’t you?”
Before I could ask anything further, Nakano-san took my hand.
“Dangerous, I accidentally said something weird…”
“No, no… About that… I’m sorry…”
“You’ve been rejected, Yui-chan. Well, that’s enough introduction for now.”
“Is it okay if we end today here? Can I talk to you again, Takane-san?”
“No problem, no problem. Look, it’s already your turn, Yui-chan.”
Nakano-san took her place in the front of her group and started running down the track. Asatani-san, who was watching while stretching out next to me, said,
“That girl, she was in the same club as Nagi-kun in junior high school. They were good friends, but I don’t think they’ve talked since high school started.”
“She’s a cheerful and energetic person. Just talking to her seems to cheer her up.”
“Yui-chan is a girl who likes to praise others more than herself. She’s a little too humble. And I think Nagi-kun noticed that too.”
A girl who was in the same club and was friends with Nagito-san.
Nagito-san was also a very humble person. Nakano-san and him seemed to have the same personality. I would like to know how he spent his time in middle school.
“I thought that Yui-chan and Nagi-kun would be a better fit.”
“…Did you come to this conclusion without knowing about Nagito-san and Nakano-san’s feelings?”
“Yeah, don’t you think that they both have some similarities?”
Asatani-san smiled, with not even a hint of offense.
–It was so frustrating because Asatani-san was right. But there was nothing wrong with Nakano-san.
“It’s not easy for me to say this, but I know about Nagi-kun’s good parts.”
I realized now that this was a continuation of the conversation we had in the library.
“When Takane-san told me that you were going out with Nagi-kun, I was surprised at first, but I didn’t think it was strange. It had nothing to do with the fact that we had just entered the school or anything like that.”
“…I was… helped by Nagito-san…”
“Nagi-kun is very kind, isn’t he? Even after all that happened, he didn’t get angry at me… No, he must be angry, I’m sure.”
I still didn’t understand Asatani-san very well. I thought that she was busy with work or had some other reason for breaking up with Nagito-san.
But that was not all.
Just by talking about it like this, I could feel it.
I wondered what Asatani-san felt about Nagi-kun. And why did she introduce Nakano-san-
“I want to support you, Takane-san.”
–So that’s what this was.
Even if she said it with the face of ‘Kiritani Noa’, I just couldn’t accept it as it was.
“…Then… is it okay?”
Asatani-san chuckled. Her hair, which was always tied to the side, was pulled back in a navy blue scrunchie.
“This was what I was going to tell you that time, but you two left right away.”
“That time…?”
“I see. Takane-san didn’t notice. I guess that’s okay then.”
If I asked her here, she wouldn’t answer.
With her perfect acting, Asatani-san was trying to hide something. It must be her own feelings.
–Right now, how does she feel about Nagito-san? Asatani-san never showed her real feelings.
“…It’s time to take our turn. I’m pretty confident in my running. How about you, Takane-san?”
This was the measurement for the physical fitness test. Not that it had to do with anything else.
When our turn came, we started running. I was surprised to see how fast Asatani-san was, even though she was supposed to be in a culture club.
Even though Asatani-san was just an ‘ex-girlfriend’, she knew about Nagito-san more than me. She wouldn’t be defeated so easily.
TL = obox
Editor = Senna
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