Chapter 25: Chapter 25: Guilt

It had been 5 days after that demon attack and the first thing I got to do after being able to move again was a meeting with the Justice League and a new League member nominee. Great, couldn’t have started my come back any better than with a discussion.

I scratched the wound on my mid-back that I received when the demon attacked Kara and me while I was tied up. I was fortunate that it had cut up some rope, allowing me to escape. If the demon’s attack hadn’t loosened the rope, I would have had a way harder time.

Most of the cuts and bruises had been healed, but the fractured and broken bones, as well as the deeper cuts that were still bandaged, would take a while to heal.

Currently, I was flying everywhere so I wouldn’t put pressure on my leg that the demon had shot its heat vision through. The hole had already closed up by now. I had to cut the burned skin up, so it could heal shut.

It was pretty miraculous how well a Saiyan body healed. I wouldn’t have any issue down the line, even after having a literal hole burned through my thigh. As long as a Saiyan healed, it seemed like it would only leave behind a scar. Of course, cut-off limps were another story.

I flew out of the watchtower and reentered the atmosphere. Some members of the league had offered to fly me down, which I had declined. I ignored the fire that lingered on my skin. However, even if it grew even hotter, I wouldn’t be inconvenienced by it.

Although my body hadn’t healed completely, I had already recovered most of my energy, so even with a broken body, I was fine with most activities.

In fact, I felt even stronger than before. I clenched my fist and felt the strength in the force of the mere grip I had now. I was probably casually 10 times as strong as I was before, maybe even a tad bit more.

This increase was already ridiculous. If I didn’t know how much Goku had improved before facing Frieza through a few Zenkais, I would have thought that I sensed my strength wrongly. Goku had jumped from 90k to 3 million that was an increase of 33 times!

In comparison, my 10 times increase was not that much. Still, I was more than satisfied with how strong I got. I was as strong as I was before with my Ikari State. I would be on an equal playing field with a demon Kryptonian.

If I measured my power level now, I should be in the ballpark of 1.7 million. With my Ikari State, I should sit comfortably at around 17 million.

Considering that Goku was able to turn into a Super Saiyan at 3 million, I wasn’t that far away from it. Although I would probably need a bit more than that because I wasn’t pure of heart.

At least, if the author’s words about friendly Saiyans being able to create more S-cells because of their nature remained true.

I would have tested my current strength in the chamber if I wouldn’t worsen my injuries with that. Another thing that was too bad was the fact that my scouter wouldn’t be able to measure my power level from now on, so I had to do some guesswork from now on.

Maybe I could update my scouter if I found a scientist to improve it, but I was not sure if I wanted anyone to experiment in the direction of life force. It would kind of suck if I created this universe’s equivalent of the life force absorbing androids/cyborgs.

As I flew towards my home, I looked down and saw the devastated buildings. Some were toppled over like children’s toy houses. Many devastated people were blankly looking at their destroyed homes. Their tears had already dried up after a couple of days.

A lot of people have lost all that they owned, and some even lost some loved ones. It was difficult to look at these scenes. I always thought I was pretty numb to these scenes, but it was one thing to see all these broken people on the TV on the news and another to be present and see the suffering of the people in person.

The suffering that was caused just by a single fight between two immensely powerful beings.

I wonder how many people felt helpless, at a loss on what to do... I looked at some people that seemed to have come from another city, maybe some relatives of some of Portland’s citizens, protesting.

I could see some of their signs with the outline of my face, which was crossed out with red. There were, however, more signs with the ‘S’ symbol of the Kryptonian House of El similarly crossed out. I had seen this coming from a mile, but I still thought it was distasteful for them to protest while many people were still suffering.

They could use the energy that they spent to angrily scream to instead help and support the several police or medical departments to help others. Even the criminals of this city were out and about, helping to keep order in the city.

It was easy for me to hear them, even at this distance as well. I heard them shout that we superpowered people weren’t their saviors but the cause of the problem. That without us that there wouldn’t be villains to take a stance against us.

That we the freaks had to be put into control, otherwise we would take the planet away from its ‘rightful’ owner.

I was in disbelief at this idiot’s audacity. Did he really think that the demons that only wanted destruction and to make other people suffer would leave them alone? That the aliens didn’t want to conquer the planet any longer after seeing that we were defenseless against their armies?

Maybe the megalomaniacs would be more subtle about their takeover of the planet, but was it better to let these people rot the system from the inside out, hidden away, or to confront them out in the open...?

Still, I understood where they were coming from. It was easier to ignore the problems than to face them. I get that, but it was clear by now that it wouldn’t help to bury one’s head in the sand. It didn’t matter how much one didn’t want to let go of the past.

He continued to scream, asking how any of our actions were justifiable when seeing the suffering we caused. Ridiculous.

I was truly tempted to go down there and just beat him to a bloody pulp, but he would realize soon enough that he shouldn’t have used this opportunity to speak up.

After the deal I made with the criminals of this city, it was in their best interest to keep my image pristine.

If I went down there personally and beat him up, I would probably just add to his points of us being a problem and it would spread like wildfire. News of that would be more difficult to quell than if I let this idiot speak out his idiotic thoughts.

I continued my journey through the city, having forgotten that I was on my way home. I just took in the scenes in front of my eyes of people I had never really paid attention to. After some time, I had to stop on top of a building because I was exhausted.

My ki was still almost overflowing and my wounds hadn’t opened up, but I still felt awful. I looked around and saw a familiar building that I had visited on numerous occasions.

I glanced at the police precinct that had suffered some damage to the building. A piece of concrete had crashed through the roof and a floor. The burned documents and rubble were already swept to the side.

The station seemed to have been cleaned up at least. It would have looked worse a couple of days ago, but they had already prepared everything to be functional and presentable again.

There was a line of people wanting something from the police. It was a familiar sight since the same could be seen at the hospitals and fire departments.

Those were the places and the people ordinary citizens would look to when a superhero wasn’t present. I was about to fly away before I saw something inside a little box. A uniform, a badge, and a picture inside.

I looked at the box next to it and found similar content. My eyes widened in realization. I shot up into the sky and headed towards a house further out of the inner city.

‘Didn’t he say that he would be out of town for a while??’

After flying for a second, I stopped and hovered over his property for a while before deciding to leave again. I wouldn’t find anyone at home. I didn’t sense anyone inside and there were no cars to be found in front of the house.

My direction had naturally changed to a place where I hoped I wouldn’t find anyone. I didn’t extend my senses for his life force because of what I feared I would sense. From a few hundred meters away, I could already see a group in black standing around a grave, while some were already dispersing.

The casket had already been lowered into the ground.

I landed gently on the ground a few meters away as I looked at the picture next to the grave. He was one of the tougher people I met, which was why I couldn’t believe that he died.

During the fight, I had noticed some of the policemen helping to get the civilians out of danger, but I hadn’t known Nick was among them.

I was about to go to the grave, but just after I had landed a couple of meters away from them, I was noticed by the ones that had remained around the grave. A woman with red hair, in black attire, stormed towards me. I had met her a couple of times when I visited Nick’s house.

Juliette, Nick’s girlfriend, stormed towards me and, with no delay, slapped me across the face. Her eyes filled with tears stared at me with undisguised rage… and pain.

Her hand was trembling from hitting me, but she appeared not to have noticed that she slapped the equivalent of a steel wall. She didn’t hold back her voice as she looked at me. “How dare you show up here?!” She raised another hand and slapped me again. She inevitably got hurt in an attempt to do me harm. I tried my best to turn my head with her slap, so she wouldn’t break her wrist.

“He trusted you! He said that you protected the city.” She shrieked as she started to hammer on my chest right on some wounds that I was sure had been healed already, but strangely, it still stung.

“... wh-where were you-... wh-why?! Why him??” Her hits weakened before she collapsed to the ground.

Hank, Nick’s partner whom I had worked with a couple of times, supported her. He glanced at me but didn’t waste any words on me before bringing the grieving girlfriend away. Monroe, a friend of Nick’s, approached me. He looked at me for a second, as if he wanted to say something before swallowing whatever was on his mind.

He sighed before saying to not take her words to heart, “She just needed to vent. The last few days had been a lot to handle for her... for all of us. It- it would have been worse without you. We know that...” I could only give him a nod. I heard him say something else, but I didn’t register what he said.

After saying his piece, he joined the others as they left the graveyard. I was more confused than anything else. This ringing in my ear wouldn’t stop. I flew up into the sky, and took a last glance at the picture standing next to the grave.

His death didn’t affect me. He was just a man with who I worked together for some time. It wasn’t like we were good friends. I didn’t have any friends in this world! I had gone on a case with him maybe a couple of times. That we had discussed our place in the world over a beer in the middle of the night was just that, a conversation...

I didn’t know him that well. He was just someone I worked with. He was just a human... I wouldn’t have noticed him if I wasn’t forced to talk to him. His death didn’t affect me. I didn’t care. These things happened...

How was his death my fault, anyway? One could only blame him for being weak, for not being able to protect himself. I couldn’t care less about him and his friends or their opinions.

Could I have sensed his life force during battle?

No.

How could I have diverted my attention during the battle?! There was no way for me to protect them when a demon Kryptonian was on the loose!

So, what if he died? Just another casualty among hundreds. Their deaths certainly didn’t concern me. I was fine ignoring their losses...

I fought megalomaniacs, aliens, and demons. I didn’t have time for friends, anyway. I still had the goal of leaving this world as well...

I looked down and saw these protesters again. They were still blaming me for what, exactly? Not being able to save every single being when I fought against a demon that could destroy the world? Did they go mad?! These kinds of people should just be... They didn’t add any value to the world!

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I raised my hand and pointed my palm at them... I hovered in the sky for a moment before I closed my fist again. I glared at the protesters for a bit longer before I flew away.

I could sense that Kara had been at my place for a while now. I should just meet her. I couldn’t bother to deal with these leeches. They weren’t the problem.

I landed gently on the ground before going inside. I heard the news from the living room. A woman, whose husband was crushed underneath their collapsed roof, was being interviewed by a reporter.

Kara was sitting with her legs tucked in as she looked at the pictures of the destroyed homes and other injured people.

She looked up at me as I entered the room with tears in her eyes. I imagined how her figure would blur towards me before she slammed into me with a hug, but she didn’t. She remained sitting as she avoided my gaze by burying her face in her hands as she spoke.

“I-I-i... I am so-sorry!” I heard muffled through her sobs.

The changes the possessing demons did to their hosts’ outfits weren’t that major, so the people during the fight had seen a blur and something akin to Supergirl’s color scheme, coupled with some unclear pictures made some conspiracy theorists believe Kara was the one responsible for the destruction outside.

Most didn’t believe that, especially when they saw how she helped the people all day until she was exhausted.

She had woken up before me and at first, wanted to make a public statement, but Zatara told her and the Justice League among other things that public knowledge about demons would just add more damage to an already shitty situation, so the Justice League decided it would be better to keep her ‘involvement’ and any details about the demons a secret.

Knowing that I could guess what she was apologizing for. She couldn’t apologize to the victims, so it made sense that she came to me to get it off her chest, to seek forgiveness in these emotionally challenging times...

Maybe she didn’t want forgiveness and just felt that I was the one that would judge her the harshest instead of the victims because I was the one that had stopped her.

Perhaps it would be better to judge her for her decision to stay behind and give the magicians and the teenager enough time to leave, but I couldn’t find it in me.

After having listened to the events leading up to my fight with her, clarified that most would have fallen into the trap that the demons had laid out. I probably would have been possessed by the demons as well, without being able to do anything. So despite what happened, she wasn’t to blame.

I sat down next to her and rubbed her back, which made her flinch slightly. She peeked at me and hesitated for a moment. Instead of waiting for her to make a move, I picked her up and placed her in my lap with her face turned to me before she finally curled into me. I turned the depressing news off.

My hand flowed through her hair as I comforted her. It was clear that she was quite depressed by the past event. Although she hadn’t been the one to control her body, in her mind, this was still the first time that she had directly caused the death of several innocent people.

Someone like her would definitely blame herself, even for something that wasn’t in their control, to begin with.

I knew it would eat at her, which was why I asked her in a quiet voice, “Do you blame me?”. Although I had asked it calmly, the reaction I got from her was anything but that. It was predictably extreme.

Her head shot up from my chest as her puffy red eyes sought mine. She had been obviously shocked by my question if her widened eyes, her agape mouth, and the disbelieving noise she released, were anything to go by.

“Wh-what are you saying?! Of course, I don’t... After all, it’s my fau-“ I smiled at her and pulled her closer to my chest, interrupting her self-blame. She had a confused look on her face and tried to wriggle out of my hug until she realized I wouldn’t let her go, so instead, she powerlessly leaned into me before resting her chin on my shoulder.

“Don’t blame yourself. The blame is all on me.” I began and I could feel the incoming protest of her, but I just continued with my explanation. “I could have taken the battle somewhere else, but instead decided to do it in the middle of the city. Or maybe I should have let the experts on magic deal with this demonic disaster, at least that’s what your cousin thought-“

“No, you shouldn’t have!” She defended me agitated, instead of self-blaming, she focused on explaining why I didn’t have any other choice back then. “There was a barrier around the city. There was nowhere else for you to go. You told me you had scanned for my life force, didn’t you?

So, you already knew that the civilians had fled from the inner city! You also didn’t know if these magicians could be trusted! It made sense that you wouldn’t want to turn your back towards these strangers. Clark has no right to reprimand yo-“

“I was hogging the fight.”

“What?” She asked surprised.

“I didn’t even think about the other people. I just wanted to fight and took immediate action when I saw the opportunity to. That I was away from most of Portland’s populace was just a coincidence, a happenstance. My mind registered nothing else because they weren’t important factors to me-“

“Shut up. Stop lying.” She clasped her hand over my mouth as I saw her jaw clenching. I pulled the hand away from my mouth. She barely gave me any resistance as I did it.

“Kara, listen.” I began. “Maybe it made sense what I did, but it didn’t change that I made the wrong choice. I could have prevented casualties if I had chosen differently, but I didn’t.

I was conscience and still made mistakes that led to some deaths. You, on the other hand, didn’t even have the choice to make a bad decision, so the only one to blame is me and, well, the demons, hahaha...”

I let my awkward laugh fade away before I continued. “You should know that I wouldn’t lie to you. It was entirely my fault for what had happened.”

“That’s not what I meant... Didn’t I say that you shouldn’t lie-“

“Kara, I am not lying-“

“Now you listen.” She said as she glared at me and forcefully cupped my face in her hands. “Maybe you don’t lie to me, but you sure lie to yourself. You didn’t care about them? Then why did you bring the unconscious humans that had been possessed by these demons to safety first, before you questioned Constantine and Zatara?

You knew it would get dangerous, so you brought them out of harm’s way! And even if you had thought about changing the battlefield, you wouldn’t be able to enforce that with me running amok and I know that you know that too! You didn’t just face a Kryptonian. This demon was more than that.

A demon sent by Trigon and fueled by his energy and you still defeated him one on one before it could potentially do any more damage! And the only reason this demon got loose in the first place was because of me! Because of the decisions, I MADE! I made a MISTAKE and, that’s why...”

Even though she tried her best to help, she still wanted to blame herself for making a poor decision, but the same could be said about me. There were always things one could nitpick, but these were the choices we went with. One was always wiser in hindsight, but the fact was we did our best in an attempt to help, even if the result didn’t turn out to be optimal.

Maybe it was the look on my face that she realized what I wanted to say to her or because she came to the same conclusion since she just released a defeated sigh as she looked at me.

“... Fine, you win. If you don’t blame yourself, then I won’t blame myself. Deal?” She wiped away the dried tears stains on her face before holding her pinky to me, which I readily grasped with my own.

“Didn’t know Kryptonians had pinky swears.” I asked her with a slight smile on my face as I tried to pick up the mood.

“My friend at school taught me, but how come Saiyans know about it? After everything you told me about your kind, I can’t imagine them pinky swearing.” She teased back before releasing a chuckle which I couldn’t help but join as I thought about a raged Broly or a mid-DBZ Vegeta pinky swearing...

Our chuckle faded slightly before she suddenly spoke up again. “Do you really believe what you said just now? Not caring about anything but fighting. I know it is important to you but-“

She asked, and I heard how unsure she felt as she asked this. We had a similar discussion before already. The regret on her face after asking her question only underlined what I thought she must have felt.

I knew that expression pretty well. I had that same look when I asked my mother why she continued to visit me, even after what happened to my brother.

My mother would have slapped me if it hadn’t been for the window separating us then. Now Kara wore the look I had that had been reflecting on that prison window.

Although she was pretty sure that most things I said were just brought up to show how unjustified her self-blame was, she still wanted me to deny her question.

The regret she felt was because she thought she should have just trusted in me, but she didn’t take the question back because deep down she was truly unsure about my answer and I couldn’t blame her for thinking in that way.

I opened my mouth in order to deny it and tell her I was the heroic person she believed me to be. She knew I did some illegal things, but she believed I would put others’ life above my desires.

My mouth hung open, but my voice didn’t come out. She looked at me, her cheeks clenched, and I felt her fingers dig into my clothes.

“I am not as kind as you. I don’t care that much about the casualties.” I began after having found my voice again. “I barely knew any of them. Portland is a big city. After all, they were basically strangers anyway. Just a number on a sheet of paper. Even someone like Nick wasn’t someone that I would call a friend... The fight had truly occupied most of my attention, there was no room for error...”

I turned my head slightly to avoid her gaze, as I could feel my face heat up after saying that. My chest felt heavy as the words came out shakily.

“Nick, did he...?” It was obvious what she wanted to ask, but I couldn’t answer her with words, so I nodded at the question.

Her eyes seemed to waver with different emotions as she looked at me. She seemed sad, even though she shouldn’t have been too saddened about his death. She had only met him and Juliette once during a double date, after all.

I saw how the emotions flashed through her eyes, but she seemed to be worried? I was confused when I felt my chest constrict even further. It made it difficult for me to breathe.

She rose up slightly. Her arms found themselves around my head as she pulled me into a tight hug, pulling my head to her chest. I could hear her heart beating and the quiet, shaky breath she took as she opened her mouth to say something.

I felt her cheek on the top of my head as she hugged me tightly. The hug tightened until it hurt the wounds that were still healing from the battle before I realized that I too was hugging back tight. Although I felt weak, I somehow felt that it would be impossible for me to let go as well.

“I am such an idiot...” She said as tears dripped on my hair. “They don’t know what they are saying. Some of them are just venting their emotions, but most of them know that it would have been a lot worse without you here.” This wasn’t the first time I heard these words today. The same ringing I had then returned again.

I felt the emotions bubble up in my body, trying to escape my grasp as I continued to push them down.

“They don’t know that you lost someone as well. You don’t have to be tough around me. It’s okay. No matter what they say, I know that what they are saying is not the truth. It’s not your fault...” I wanted to refute what she was saying, but the hug and her words poked a hole into my hold on my emotions. A wall I had built up since I had woken up in this universe.

A dam of suppressed emotions about the past and present events just broke through. Tears would drip down my face, but unlike before in the cold, dark lonely prison cell, they were absorbed by a person who I knew would support me to the end.

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