This happened around the beginning of April, more accurately three months ago. I think it was right after we moved up a year. The cherry blossoms were visible from the hallway windows, with the sports clubs members doing their training beneath them, running in circles or long lines. I could see some new faces among these people.
Since I wasn’t part of any club, I once again went to help Shibato-sensei with his work. Oddly enough, it wasn’t related to future guidance. I headed for the classroom of class 1-5. It’s the class that Shibato-sensei was responsible for as a homeroom teacher. Since I had been a first-year barely a month ago, I still vividly remembered the way I had to take. I took a peek inside from the windows, spotting a single female student preparing a music stand.
It seems like this classroom was used as the practice room for the wind ensemble. I hesitated if I should even enter the room when I realized who that student actually was. It turned out to be my classmate Sako-san. Since we barely started the second year, I don’t remember all of my classmates’ names, but I’ve known her since our first year already. She’s fairly popular in our class, with all of the boys fawning over her, and she’s always racking in the top grades.
Her looks are on point and breathtaking, her academic abilities are top-notch, and she’s perfect in every regard—that is Sako-san. That being said, I may know about her, but she has no clue who I am. We never talked, and I’m just another classmate. However, if it’s a person I’m at least somewhat acquainted with, entering the classroom becomes a lot easier.
“Hello…I have some business here, so don’t mind me…”
I used my excuse with a faint voice and moved through the room. Still, things were awkward. Sako-san looked over at me, and our eyes met.
“Ah! Tsuyoshi-kun.”
I almost jumped when she called out my name. Since I don’t really stand out even in my new class, I thought people would take the longest to remember my name.
“You already remembered the names of all our classmates? That sure is fast.” I answered.
“No, not yet. I just remembered yours because you’re in the beautification committee, right?”
“That’s amazing, all right.”
Just as Sako-san stated, I joined the beautification committee. I thought I might as well try out some other work for the school outside of the future guidance duties.
“When we decided on committee members, you were the one the most motivated for it. That’s why I had it easy remembering.”
She’s not wrong, but that made things only more embarrassing.
“I was planning on joining a committee, but I would feel bad to take the popular stuff, so I chose one that isn’t popular.”
Even if I offered to join the cultural festival or sports festival committee, it’d probably leave everybody unmotivated. That’s why I went with the beautification committee instead. However, Sako-san didn’t seem too happy about my statement, as she crossed her arms.
“I personally think that the people motivated for the committee should handle the job. In the end, I got the position of the class representative.”
Yep, that she did. It’s the role of the person to keep the class together. However, when a random person said ‘Sako-san should be the class rep!’, the rest of the class came together, and thus, she was selected as the class representative.
“I think that you’re pretty amazing, Tsuyoshi-kun. Normally it wouldn’t be that easy for someone to take over this kind of duty. It’s hard to voice your own determination, you know?”
“I don’t think it’s anything special.”
“Well I do. It’s admirable.”
I wasn’t quite sure what to feel, but I definitely didn’t hate being praised. Especially since it came from the popular girl in class.
“So what brings you here, Tsuyoshi-kun? Work for the beautification committee?”
Being told by Sako-san, I remembered.
“Yeah. it’s just some miscellaneous work, though. I’m supposed to check if we have enough cleaning utensils here,” I said while opening up the locker, taking out all the cleaning tools, and lining them up on the floor.
Sako-san got up from her chair and crouched down next to me.
“Should I help you?”
“Nah, I’ll be done in a minute, it’s fine.”
“Don’t you have to do the other classroom as well?”
“Nope, just this one.”
“Huh? But these are the first-year classrooms, right?”
“Well, this is actually the job of this class’s homeroom teacher Shibato-sensei, but I’m taking over for him..”
“Really? I feel bad for you…”
“It’s fine, I’m doing this because I want to. Helping others feels pretty good in a way.”
“Helping others…Wow…”
“Doesn’t change the fact that Shibato-sensei’s a bad person. He can only think about getting home quickly.”
“Hehe.” Sako-san giggled. “He’s just as the rumors say, I see.”
“You can say that again. Not to mention that most of them are actually true.”
I found myself laughing along. It seemed like quite a lot of rumors were floating around at school. I wish he’d actually take them seriously for once.
“You’re also the exact same as the rumors describe you.”
“Huh? There are rumors about me going around?”
Is somebody talking badly about me behind my back?
“Nope, it’s just a rumor inside of me, so to speak. Well, I heard most of it from Mayuko.”
“Err, who’s Mayuko again?”
“Nishida Mayuko. You were in the same class during your first year, no?”
“O-Oh, right, Nishida-san.”
Hearing her last name, I remembered her face. I guess that was pretty rude of me.
“Anyway, I’m glad I got to talk with you, Tsuyoshi-kun. You’re as amazing as I thought.”
“No no no, I can’t even hope to compare with the genius at the top of the student year that you are.”
“I’m no genius at all.”
“Aren’t you always scoring the best grades in the entire year?”
“Well, that is true, but…Then, look at this. Though it might not be something to show others.”
She said, stretched her back once, and pointed at a notebook on her desk.
“I was planning on going through what we learned during today’s class before club starts.”
“Before club starts? In such a short time?”
Isn’t that a bit too stoic? We barely got into the new term, and the classes weren’t that difficult as far as I remember.
“If I don’t do at least this, I won’t be able to keep my current grades.”
“Don’t tell me…”
“It’s true. Did you know that I came from an affiliated middle school?”
“Yeah, I heard about it.”
I was told that she came from an affiliated high-level middle school.
“Right after enrolling at middle school, I was pretty much a drop-out. The first small tests and exams were a disaster.”
Even now, I found it hard to believe that this story was about Sako-san. My eyes were wide open in shock.
“Then how did you get your grades this high?”
“It’s not something to brag about, but my parents and teachers were getting impatient with me. I focussed everything on my classes, practiced a lot with paired self-study. I only managed to reach this level after enrolling at this school.”
Sako-san made it sound as if it was simple, but I fully knew that this wasn’t the case. Even for studying itself, you need the talent and right material, and if you’re not cut out for it, you won’t ever get the best grades no matter how hard you work. I’ve been reminded of that ever since I enrolled here at Nishijin High. That’s why I understood. She’s not gifted or anything, she just put a lot of effort into her studies. If anything, it’d be rude to call her a genius.
“I’m sorry for calling you a genius without thinking!”
“It’s fine, I don’t mind it.”
“But that must have cost you so much effort, no? Studying all day right when the first term began…calling you a genius would be rude to all of your hard work.”
“You really don’t have to apologize like that.”
Or so she said, but I was still bothered by it.
“I think it’s really hard to produce results as you have. If all your efforts didn’t show results, it’d be easy to break down. That’s why I don’t want to do something like denying your hard work.”
Everybody would assume that the people standing at the top of the school year must be a genius of sorts. However, Sako-san clawed her way up to the summit with sheer hard work. At the same time as I was lost in thought, Sako-san blinked at me in confusion.
“You’re a weird one, Tsuyoshi-kun. Normally people only praise me while looking at the results, so this is a first for me.”
“I just genuinely feel this way.”
“Yep, I’m happy you do. Thank you.” Sako-san showed a bashful smile.
For a moment, I was fully entranced by her beautiful smile but quickly returned to my original work. If I take too long here, Shibato-sensei will complain. At the same time, Sako-san crouched down next to me again.
“Let me help you after all. What should I do?”
“It’s fine, really. This is simple work.”
“I still want to help.”
“Hmmm…then could you put the cleaning utensils that I finished checking back into the locker?”
“Got it.”
As I thought, Sako-san is perfect. She’s charming and beautiful, excels at her school work through sheer effort, is kind to everyone, and works harder than anybody else. Some average guy like me can’t hope to even stand on the same stage as her. I knew that, and I still found myself admiring her.
“If only I could work just as hard as Sako-san.”
“I personally would like to be more like you, Tsuyoshi-kun.”
“Huh? What’s so good about me?”
Sako-san put her index finger on her mouth, smirking.
“Hehe, that’s a secret.”
“Oh come on…”
I was curious, to say the least, but I doubted that Sako-san would actually offer to tell me. With the both of us working together, we finished this odd job relatively soon, and once the final cleaning utensil was back at its place, I closed the locker door.
“Thanks for helping me. I’ll let Sensei know that I’m done over here.”
“Yep, see you later.”
I think that was the first time Sako-san and I ever talked. Even now, it’s a precious memory of mine. She said I was exactly as ‘the rumors said’, but to me, Sako-san was even more than everything I had heard. I thought she was simply a gifted genius, but these results were all hard-fought for. I knew it was impossible for me, but I still remember wishing to one day be like her.
A shrilling electronic sound made my head vibrate, awakening me from my dream. With half-opened eyes, I searched for my phone and stopped the alarm.
“A dream about Sako-san…”
Despite rejecting her, I keep tracing her odd actions with my eyes at every moment. When she cut her hair, when she shortened her skirt, and when she fed me that awful lunch box. At first, I was just thinking about why she was adding that way. I was simply curious about the girl called Sako Machika. And yet, by the time I realized it, I was constantly thinking about her. Her expression when acting odd like that felt so lively to me, I couldn’t help but think of it as cute.
Her eyes were radiating with joy, her lips forming a teasing smile, her reddened cheeks, it was all burned into my brain. I knew what you would call this emotion. I couldn’t lie to my own feelings anymore. So far, I have simply admired Sako-san. I simply respected her for her hard work. But now, things are different. I was attracted to Sako-san. Even though I had already rejected her confession, I now wished to stand next to her.
I want to become a boy worthy of the perfect Sako-san. So far, I don’t have anything of value to offer, but I want to be closer to Sako-san nonetheless. And for that, I need to gain confidence. I need to become a boy who can openly and proudly stand at Sako-san’s side. The problem is…how do I do that? I helped with all the odd jobs so far in order to become more confident, but that hasn’t shown much work. I want to change, but I don’t know how. As I was filled with agony and twisted emotions, I got off my bed.
Even during today’s classes, all I kept thinking about was Sako-san. I want the qualification that would allow me to be with her. I don’t have to become perfect, if I can just find one thing to pride myself in, I will be more confident. But I’m still lost on how to get there in the first place. With my thoughts only revolving around that, the final chime of the day rang. The teacher left the classroom, and I grabbed my bag to head over to the future guidance counseling room. Takumi next to me also put his large bag on his shoulder, as he turned towards me.
“Tsuyoshi, you were sighing the entire time during class.”
“Really? My bad, I wasn’t doing it on purpose.”
“You’d usually never be that lovesick.”
“It’s not like that, okay.”
I reflexively denied it, but I guess that’s exactly what this was. Takumi pressured me further, asking me with a straight face.
“What were all those sighs about, huh? It really got on my nerves mid-class, so I’d like you to get rid of that.”
In other words, he was urging me to tell him my problem. Since Takumi’s clever and wise, he might just be able to give me the answer I was looking for. These expectations filled me as I asked him.
“What should I do to become confident in myself?”
“Just keep telling yourself ‘I’m amazing!’, no?”
“That…is true, but I’d like to have a basis for my confidence.”
“What’s that even supposed to mean? There’s always somebody higher than you. Or what, can a sports player not be confident in themselves if they’re not the best in the entire country?”
“I guess you’re right.”
“Even if you don’t make it all the way to the end, winning a match in the regional prelims will make you more confident. Whether it’s on a national or just regional level, a win will boost your confidence.”
“So…I probably shouldn’t ask this, but are you confident in Nishin High’s baseball club?”
Since this school focuses more on studies than clubs, most of them aren’t that strong. Even the baseball club usually doesn’t make it past the first prelim round. I know it’s a rude question to throw at Takumi, who is practicing day in day out, but I was curious nonetheless. Without a single change in expression, Takumi gave me his response.
“Don’t think we have that much confidence right now. But once the next tournament starts, we’ll pick up the speed and once again challenge the matches.”
“Is that how that works?”
“As I said just now, it’s all a thing of subjective suggestion. Once it comes to an actual match, all the hard work we put into our training turns into our confidence. We believe that once it comes down to the wire, we can fight just as good as the rest.”
I could see the reasoning behind Takumi’s words. When I took the entrance exams for this high school, I kept on telling myself ‘I studied properly, so I should be fine.’
“I see, so it’s just a subjective suggestion…”
“In the end, if you can stand here while telling yourself that ‘I’m amazing!’, you’re confident in this very moment,” Takumi said it like it was nothing.
As I thought, he’s a lot wiser than he shows at first. I felt lucky to have him as my friend. While I was admiring him, Takumi pulled up his bag.
“Can I go now? I’ll be late to my club.”
“Sorry for taking up so much of your time. That really helped me, thanks.”
“Got it, then no more sighing tomorrow. You’ll lose both your happiness and Sako.”
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“Come on, that’s not what this is.”
Or so I said, but I’m pretty sure he’s already seen through me. It’s not like all my worries suddenly disappeared, but I at least felt like I made an important step of progress. Since our advice session ended, Takumi left me behind with a brief ‘Catch you later.’ I opted to head for the future guidance counseling office as always.
Shibato-sensei was oddly engrossed in his work, telling me to organize the shelves, and that’s about all he said. I thought of asking for some advice, but I didn’t want to bother him when he was so busy. Hence, I headed for the bookshelves. Just like any library, the bookshelves of the guidance office had a particular structure, so the returns from the students had to be put in the right place at all times. This would be my job today.
Carrying all the returned books, I placed them where they originally belonged. Since I was used to this kind of work, I knew the location of most of the books. While I was making good progress, I kept on mumbling to myself.
“I’m amazing, I’m amazing, I’m amazing…”
I understood what Takumi was trying to say, but this self-suggestion is a lot harder to pull off than I thought. I was facing the bookshelves while mumbling to myself when a student entered the room. Turning around, I was greeted by Sako-san. Since I had that dream last night, I found myself entranced by her once more. Now that I was awfully conscious of her, I didn’t know the right distance to keep. I tried my best to remain calm as I called out to her.
“Can I help you with something, Sako-san?”
“Ah, Tsuyoshi-kun. I came here because of my future, actually.”
Sako-san headed for the rack, looking through the various university pamphlets. She seems to be thinking about university exams already. While observing that scene in the corner of my eye, I worked to return the university exam workbooks to the shelves. Around the time I was done with most of the books, Sako-san turned towards me.
“So you were the one returning all the books, huh?”
“Yeah, Sensei can’t be bothered to do it, after all.”
An annoyed ‘Quiet’ came from the desk, to which Sako-san let out a giggle.
“I would sometimes borrow reference books, but I had no idea. Thanks for always properly returning the books.” She showed a polite bow.
“It’s not that big of a deal, really.” I scratched my head.
During that motion, I spotted a pamphlet in Sako-san’s hands. Or rather, an entire bundle, some of them even from overseas.
“You have a lot of choices for your university, huh? As expected.”
“Actually, I just don’t know which university to attend.”
“Oh, really?”
“Since I never thought about what I wanted to do, I have no particular field I’m interested in. So for starters, I thought of checking out a few universities.”
“And universities overseas are mixed in there?”
“Ah, this one.” She showed me a pamphlet out of the few she held. “I’m fairly good at English, so I thought I might as well.”
“Oh yeah, your English proficiency is pretty good. What was it again, B2?”
“Nope, B1. But I was just taught by my Dad, I don’t particularly like English…”
Her voice dropped a few tones, as she stuffed the pamphlet back into her school book.
“I see…I guess it must be hard choosing a university.”
“I feel like you would find one immediately, Tsuyoshi-kun.”
“No no no, there’s nothing I really want to study either.”
“If you decide on something, you’ll surely make up your mind right away.”
“I wonder about that.”
I never really thought about that kind of stuff before.
“I mean, you’re helping Sensei this very moment, no? You chose to help him out of your own desire. I don’t think people can normally do that.”
I didn’t really feel like I was doing that much, so I just responded in a modest way.
“It’s just random work that’s easy to do. Everybody would be able to pull this off.”
“Even if that’s the case, you still did this out of your own desire. You must have had a reason to do so.”
“Well, I do, but…”
“Tell me. Why did you start helping here? I want to know how you became the person you are right now.”
Sako-san’s eyes were glimmering with expectation. Sadly, the reason I started helping here isn’t anything to really brag about.
“It’s a pretty lame reason, actually…”
“I don’t mind. I respect you for who you are, so I want to know.”
If she says it like that, there’s no way I can say no. I prepared myself for the worst and opened my mouth.
Starting middle school, I was dead average, or below average, no matter what I did. I started to hate myself for being so useless. It wouldn’t have been weird for me to just give up somewhere along those lines, but I preserved. I wanted to change myself after all. That’s when I started studying like a mad man. If I really wanted to be more confident, anything other than studying would have been fine as well. However, I only knew how to work hard when it came to studies.
Thinking back on it now, I think I was just frantically glued to my chair, working on my studies. Every free moment went towards studying. As a result of that, I managed to quickly climb the ranks in middle school and managed to pass the entrance exam here at Nishijin High.
“As soon as high school started, I completely fell off and lost all my confidence. That’s why I’ve been using every free moment to do miscellaneous work like this. I do want to help people, but this pretty much is the extent of my feelings.”
Thinking back on and analyzing my student life thus far, I realize that a lot of it was an absolute waste. I struggled with no worthwhile results to mention. Hearing about all of this, I’m sure Sako-san must be disappointed with me…or so I thought, but she showed a soft smile.
“That’s so admirable. Trying to change yourself.”
“I mean, I may have been trying, but I didn’t change at all. Just talking big, really.”
“I think what you’re doing right now is a lot lamer.”
“Huh?”
For a moment, Sako-san’s tone sounded a bit aggressive.
“I really think you’re amazing, Tsuyoshi-kun. But the way you try to push yourself down and don’t appreciate yourself is painful to watch.”
I knew that, of course, but I couldn’t say anything. Still, having this pointed out by Sako-san hurt quite a lot. I mean, imagine the girl you’re interested in calling you ‘lame’ and ‘painful to watch.’
“Also.” Sako-san continued. “It’s not good to give up just because you flunked a single exam. You shouldn’t evaluate yourself because of one failure. I know how hard you always work for others, Tsuyoshi-kun, so I don’t want you to just deny yourself.”
Oh yeah, Sako-san mentioned that she came from an affiliated school, where she was a drop-out. I guess we were both in the same position before. However, she managed to make it a lot further than I did. I guess I really can’t win against her. But at the same time, my desire to stand next to her grew even stronger.
“I…” I opened my mouth. “I want to become someone like you, Sako-san.”
Her eyes opened wide in shock.
“Me? Why?”
“Work hard, produce results, and be more confident.”
Sako-san blinked once, only to lower her head.
“I was struggling a lot, you know? But effort turns into confidence, if I can even say that.”
Hearing her words, I was reminded of what Takumi told me before.
‘Once it comes to an actual match, all the hard work we put into our training turns into our confidence.’
The same goes for Sako-san. She can be confident about herself because she worked so hard to come here. Then what about me? Is there anything I did persistently? Something that could give me confidence, that would allow me to think of myself as amazing?
“Maybe I can do it as well…”
As I lowered my head, feeling like a puppy left outside in the rain, Sako-san suddenly grabbed my cheeks with both her hands and pulled my head up.
“Wha…” I flinched.
“Yup, you’re a lot cooler with a straightened back.”
I could feel her warmth directly on my cheeks. Her smile made it feel like she would accept all of me. I want to answer this kindness. I want to stand next to her. If so, then there’s only one thing to do.
“I…want to try again. One more time.”
“Yup. I hope you get more confident.” Sako-san smiled happily.
After the conversation calmed down a bit, I grew embarrassed at the situation we are in. It made me feel like we were a couple flirting in secret.
“Sako-san, we should—”
“You two.” A listless voice spoke up from next to us. “You’re not going to kiss here, right? Are you trying to make this single guy here sad during his work?” Shibato-sensei showed his face.
“Ah, wait, no!” Sako-san blushed and moved away from me.
He saw us during the worst possible timing. I became embarrassed and looked down. Sako-san took two to three steps backward and turned around.
“I have to head to my club now! See you tomorrow!” She spoke without wasting any time and rushed out of the room.
I was left behind, feeling too awkward to look at Shibato-sensei. For a moment, I hesitated if I should just use this chance to run like Sako-san. However, Shibato-sensei grabbed my shoulder before I could do so.
“A moment, Tsuyoshi.”
I immediately realized that I was in for a round of scolding. He pulled me towards his desk, forcing me down on a chair. I was busy trying to come up with excuses when he already opened his mouth.
“Isn’t there something you should be telling me, Tsuyoshi?”
I guess this is the scolding type rather than blind rage. I’ll just rely on the hope that an honest apology will save me.
“I’m sorry for flirting with a girl on school grounds. But that was a misunder—”
“Listen, I’m not here to scold you. Though seeing you so close with a girl did get on my nerves.”
“So you are angry, no?”
“I’m still not planning on giving you an earful. Just let me ask you one more time. There is something you should be saying to me, right?”
I knew that Shibato-sensei wasn’t exactly a diligent teacher, but I could tell that, in that one moment, he was taking me and the situation seriously.
“I didn’t mean to, but I happened to overhear your conversation with Sako. You just changed your perspective, right? If so, there’s something you should be telling me.”
I looked up at him, gasping. That’s why he stopped us just now? I took a deep breath, and spoke up.
“If possible, I’d like less miscellaneous work to do…”
“Less? I don’t mind if you don’t stop by again.”
“Huh?”
He said it so bluntly, I couldn’t help but doubt my ears. He pushed so much work onto me, and now he’s fine with me not coming again?
“You’re interested in studying again, right? I’d guess that you probably want to use the time you’re helping me for your studies from now on.”
It seems like he saw through everything. But, I still find it hard to believe he would be willing to just let me go.
“Are you sure about that? You won’t be able to get home early if I’m gone.”
“I’m still a teacher, remember? I wasn’t being serious about that…Well, I would love to get home early.”
“You were the one who gave me a chance to shine in something other than my studies. Wouldn’t quitting now be like a betrayal?”
“This is totally fine. When you came here, you lost confidence in your studies, and I just provided you with something to fill the void.”
“Something to fill the void…So all my work up to now was pointless?”
Hearing my comment, Shibato-sensei’s tone dropped drastically.
“Of course not, you dummy. You definitely grew as a person thanks to the extracurricular work. You’ll definitely be putting that work to good use.”
“Grow…I wonder if I did. It doesn’t feel that way at all.”
“You’ve been at it for an entire year, so of course you’ve grown. The results for that will show in the near future, I’m sure.”
“If you say so…”
I still wasn’t fully satisfied, when Sensei showed an oddly distant gaze.
“If there was one thing I feel hurt about, then it’s the fact that a girl your age got you this motivated. I guess her words hit a lot harder than some random old teacher’s. Imma cry.”
“……”
“Just as a bit of advice, love’s supposed to be a lot more straight. Studying for the sake of the girl you like is one thing, but you’re still in high school, so let your emotions guide you for once.”
“It’s not what you think, but thanks.”
Why did even Shibato-sensei see right through my feelings? Is it that obvious?
“Since you decided on this, I don’t plan on butting in, but I think you should put a clear line between love and studies.”
“I get it already, so leave me alone!”
“Since I’ve got a lot more life experience than you, I’d be happy if you accepted my advice, but…Well, you’ll learn from your experiences, so little old me will just shut up now.”
Despite not having a girlfriend, Shibato-sensei acted all cool and knowledgeable. When I glared at him in bad faith, Shibato-sensei waved his hand.
“Come on, don’t give me that face. Anyway, better get to work immediately. No ‘I’ll do it tomorrow’, ya hear me?”
“I know, I know.” I stood up, and thanked him. “Thank you for everything, Sensei.”
“Thanks for helping me. At least show up from time to time. You can use the interview room if you’d like.”
I politely bowed towards him one more time and left the future guidance counseling room after me. During my days as a middle school student, there was a single fixed-term examination where I managed to get the top spot of the student year. And that moment truly made me feel like I was worth something. For the past year, I was mostly doing extracurricular work, but I could never build up as much confidence as that one time in middle school. Explicably so, as I couldn’t see any results in just doing miscellaneous work, unlike when my name showed up in the higher ranks.
What I need right now is confidence that is easy to see. Something that will let me stand next to that girl. It might be a lame reason, but it’s just what I need. I’ve decided to study to the point it kills me. My goal is to rank higher than Sako-san in the next end-of-term exams. And then, I’ll be the one to confess to her.
July 4th,
For the first time, I heard from Tsuyoshi-kun about his middle school days.
I knew he was working hard in his extracurricular work, but I had no idea it was all so that he could change.
He possesses a strong will and determination that won’t lose against anybody.
Since I don’t have that trait, I can’t help but admire him.
If I could directly say all the things I wanted to like him, I probably wouldn’t suffer like this.
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