Chapter 1: A P*ssycat

In a battle between her body and her brain, her brain always wins! Rosy continues to think. Thinking consumes her body. People usually have healthy bodies because maybe their brains are healthy, their brains can be stopped, can be controlled, but she… She cannot stop thinking, she cannot stop listening to the voices of her brain. She looks in the mirror and finds that her body has become thin, her face is thin, only her nipples and waist make her feel like a woman, her nose looks big, and her chin sticks out of her face, her brain has fed off her body! She thought she's become ugly, the blood doesn't brighten her cheeks, she's no longer a radiant girl. She keeps hearing the ghostly voice calling her and talking to her,

“Just keep dreaming, you should keep dreaming to get out…

“Just dream…A dream is your life”

Then she just falls asleep and starts dreaming...

…

A woman in labor lies on her back on a hospital bed holding a man's hand, she pulls on his hand and almost hurts him, he is so worried about her, she tries to scream once and tries to hold back her scream another time, she cannot even breathe, she bites into a piece of cloth to give herself relief, she kept her face mask, she bit her clothes, her face mask was almost wet!

“Open your legs, let them up, try to push,” said the boyfriend.

“I am trying, hug me, I am dying,” the birthing woman replied.

The mother of the boyfriend of the woman in labor appears and sits down in the delivery room. She begins to moan, breathes heavily, rocks back and forth on the chair and asks the woman in labor to breathe,

“She was supposed to take slow, controlled deep breaths to control the pain and blood pressure, but she refused to listen to me,” the boyfriend's mother said with an angry face.

The boyfriend tried to repeat the same instructions from his mother, and then the suffering giving birth woman looked at her boyfriend with wide eyes and an angry face, the boyfriend understood his girlfriend's expression and got a little scared, and the boyfriend's mother left the delivery room with an angry face.

The woman tried to push the baby down, almost crying. She was sweating, her face skin-red, her hair wet with sweat, her expression almost exploding with excitement, her eyes searched for help, though she knew she would never get it, she is the only one who will suffer today!

“Nobody from your family comes to the delivery room... if you don't like it, you can stay with them!” said the woman giving birth to her boyfriend while hurting his hand.

In the shower before she came to the hospital today, she felt like a baby, she and her unborn baby had the same feeling, they were both incubated in their own fluid, she by the hot shower water and the baby incubated in his mother's belly. Every cell of her body was accompanied by empathy with love, every joule of warmth she received from the hot water carried love that carried her to a state of soul-like heaven, the baby felt that love, even the baby was unaware that there would be betrayal today, he would be taken out of his own heaven!

We all need the same thing when we are stressed: the feeling of the shower! And today is going to be one of the most stressful days in her life because she is going to be a mother, she has never experienced a feeling like this, and she feels like she is not ready for it. In her childhood she always played this game and most of her dolls had to do with the role of mother, as her family taught her from the beginning. She loved to feel like a mother when fed with the ideas of femininity, but as she grew up, she realized that she was afraid of this feeling, although she felt that she needed it sometimes, like most of her friends, and she ended up being jealous of them, although she does not like this feeling nowadays, but she does not know why she wants it. We are all looking for a hot bathtub to fall into for a while, maybe because we feel that the water is carrying us and our problems. She wanted to include her boyfriend in this feeling of union, the boyfriend was called into the shower cubicle, and he could not understand, she showed him her naked back, her butt was greasy, and he felt that there was a different girl in the shower than the one he knew before, but that made him participate even more in the event. She asked her boyfriend to wash her back, she felt a surge of energy and thought she was giving some of it to the baby, the boyfriend finished, and she ordered him to leave as a queen does when she gives orders…

“Don’t worry I’m here, lets's count to three and push again, ok?” said her boyfriend who was sitting next to her in the hospital.

She shook her head as a sign of agreement, she avoided speaking.

“1, 2, 3, and push…, 1, 2, 3, push…” the boyfriend starts counting continuously.

He counted and held her hand tightly the moment he got to 3 in the count. He was trying to make her feel like he was pushing with her, trying to make her feel like a team, even not losing a drop of blood, he's sweet like a pussycat!

She covered her legs with a blanket, although now only her boyfriend is in the room with the male doctor and a nurse. She was not worried about the doctor seeing what her vagina looked like, even though she did not shave on the doctor's orders and left her hairy vagina so she could not reach her sensitive area lately. She was just worried that her boyfriend would remember the shape of her vagina and not want to have sex with her later. The doctor came into the room to check on her situation and then called a nurse to come and help.

The doctor led the nurse to one side of the room and instructed her to tell the woman in labor to wear her mask properly. The nurse then hurried and adjusted the woman's face mask so that the doctor could work unhindered without being afraid!

“How are you-how do you feel?” asked the doctor.

“I want to die,” replied the woman, holding back her cry.

The doctor smiled back and began to cheque her abdominal shape to determine the pose required for delivery.

“How many hours did she Push?” the doctor asked the nurse.

“Four hours,” replied the nurse.

“Had she tried to squat?” asked the doctor.

“No, doctor, she was just lying on her back,” replied the nurse.

“Can you squat?” the doctor asked the suffering woman.

“What? No, she certainly cannot!” the boyfriend replied in amazement.

“Who's that, a new doctor in town?!” the doctor asked the nurse.

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“What'll the coming baby be called?” the doctor asked the boyfriend.

“We haven't thought of one yet!”, the boyfriend didn't like the question, thinking it wasn't the right time for a joke, so he didn't explain the name.

“Oh, I see, so the names still don't come out, just like your baby, he doesn't come out yet either!” the doctor said.

“Okay, then I want you to try laying her on her side, bend both knees, leave one knee in front and one behind, you know this pose I think,” the doctor informed the nurse.

“Start breathing, count along and push 1...2...3...push 1...2...3...push, more...more...it's coming, I can see it, the baby's head is crowning,” said the doctor excitedly.

“Yes, the baby is almost here, keep pushing, the baby is out ...” The boyfriend was encouraging.

“Omg!! ... keep pushing ... I'll be back,” the doctor said and quickly walked out of the room.

“What's the matter, doctor?!” the nurse asked in surprise, but the doctor did not answer, he just walked away. The nurse thought that the doctor had left because the woman's face mask needed to be readjusted.

The boyfriend has been worried about the nurse's reaction, not knowing if it is normal for the doctor to leave or if something has really happened, he had tried to distract his wife and get her to calm down,

“Keep breathing baby, I am here with you”.

The nurse let go of the woman's hand and tried to straighten the face mask again and put her hands under the covers to check the progress of the birth.

“Keep pushing you woman ... 1, 2 ,3, Push…, 1, 2 ,3, Push…, yes, yes, I got him” said the nurse, then she screamed briefly.

“Oh my God...” the nurse said aloud, then she covered the baby, handed him to his mother and quickly left the room.

The mother was shaking tired and sweating from the constant pushing and almost had a heart attack from the strange behavior of the nurse, the mother starts sobbing and crying even before she knows what is going on, the boyfriend was worried, but he showed that he is still steadfast, the mother removes the cover with the boyfriend and they both start crying loudly... the baby was a kitten, not a human!!!

The boyfriend's mother entered the delivery room and found a kitten baby,

“Omg, I told you, that's not the right woman, that's not the right woman, that's not the right woman,” said the boyfriend's mother as she slapped her son while he was crying.

“You are a pussycat ... you are a pussycat ... you are a pussy!!!” the mother then said repeatedly!

“You are a pussy…you are a pussy … you are a pussy!!!”

The rosy-cheeked girl woke up screaming from her nightmare and her heart was beating fast, it was dark night and she quickly realized it was a nightmare.

The rosy-cheeked girl wakes up, but her roommate doesn’t. She wakes up to find that the fan is pointed at her roommate, who distracts or points the fan at her as usual, and that's what makes the rosy-cheeked girl wake up. She always suffers from a sleep disorder and can't dream because the weather is hot, and her life isn't in the best shape. Her roommate also has a sleep disorder but in a different way, she always snores, and sometimes the rosy-cheeked girl thinks that her roommate's sleep disorder is the main reason for her sleep disorder. The fan was her dream enemy these days, the fan circulated in the room and served her and her roommate alternately, and every time the fan served her roommate, she felt hot again, her brain was busy thinking about when the fan would come back to her, and maybe that's what makes her brain not to give her a sweet dream lately!

She did not understand this nightmare and unexpectedly felt pain between her legs after the nightmare, she woke up and wet all her clothes because she was sweating. Her mood worsened after this nightmare, then she remembered her situation and her life, which is getting worse day by day. She likes to write some notes to herself, and she threw what she wrote into a trash can, this way she always tries to convince herself that she already got rid of her problems, this way she got relief, this way she stays in faith in God. This time it was somehow different, she almost lost faith in her God, she took a blank A4 paper with a pen, opened the dim light and started writing a letter, like the old days, she seriously put the letter in an envelope and wrote an address. There was a postbox on the outside wall of the house, the front gate was closed, but she could reach it with her hands, or at least she thought so!

She woke up, changed her clothes, she wore a pair of skinny jeans, although she could hardly wear them on her legs, because she was still in pain from the nightmare, she went to the nearby postbox, put a rosy flower petal in an envelope with the letter. She tried to reach the postbox, but her arms were not big enough and her shirtsleeves kept getting caught on the iron gate pillars, she tried many times until she managed it! She threw the envelope into the postbox and then returned to her room relaxed, she did all this while everyone was still asleep and she made sure that no one saw her going out or in, she tried to avoid trouble.

“

Hello My God,

Something is wrong again, it does not stop, I have to start my life over, starting my life over is not easy, something is leading to this blockage point. I have tried a million times, my character has been changed over and over, I have started as myself and ended as myself, there's no way to change or fake this character. The only thing that changes is the people I leave each time.

Start again! I cannot control myself to be myself, what is the way? Is it easy to leave others? Is it easy to erase some memories? How to know if others deserve to be left or not? I feel sick and I am sick all the time, I am sick because I reach a block in every relationship. In every project I fail, in every job I fail, in school I come to the same conclusion, learning is trivial, and I need to do something else, that is the only conclusion I have come to. I keep looking for something else, I hope for a better future, but the future is rather bad, no satisfaction, and there is no end. I keep reminding myself of every event where I failed, every few months, every day, even every second.

When I fail even at eating, I just change, I have no more patience for little things, no tolerance, maybe I am tired of this place, it is not my place, where is my place? How do I know I will not be tired in the new place? What is hell? What is heaven? What is the end of this self-torture? How can I change these stupid genes? I cannot stop thinking, I get sicker and sicker every day, I almost have a heart attack, over and over again. My life is a bunch of failures and goodbyes. If you exist, you must answer me, I am tired of being a woman! I am tired of your games; I cannot keep starting over again. Can you please give me something, I think you can give me something, you can, you need it more than I need it, you have to give me power!

Thank you, please reply soon…

”

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