Chapter 37: 20

Episode 20

Understanding

Like a broken clock, she repeated the same words over and over again before bursting into tears.

Helena frantically wiped her tears that were falling down with her hands. But the more she tried to stop, the more her tears kept falling. Helena smacked her head again and again. Like a child punishing herself.

“I cry too often. I shouldn’t have done this… sorry. I’m sorry.”

What are you crying about? As a child, I wasn’t allowed to be so sad when my mother scolded me. I didn’t handle it well. I know that. I also know that in unreasonable circumstances tears are usually used for avoidance purposes.

However, I hated my mother who tried to control even my tears that poured out without me realizing it. Tears don’t need to be justified.

I still don’t like Helena Antebellum. I think she’s too tactless, weak and stupid.

But as I see you struggling to hold back your tears in front of me, I realize I was misunderstanding you.

You don’t have any pain, you’ll be as happy as you are, even if your hands are unscathed, it’s not like there’s no wound in your heart.

But I can’t bear to hug you even after I got to know you. To get out of this world, I’ll have to put a knife in you someday.

“It’s okay. It’s okay….. to cry.”

But I can at least tell you this one word. Right? That’s

right……..

I came out for a walk to feel better, but seeing Helena crying made me feel worse. In times like this, one has to use the power of alcohol. Sitting on a nearby bench, I called for someone to bring me a drink.

“Anakin, bring some alcohol.”

It hasn’t been long since I called him. I couldn’t pinpoint the time exactly because I didn’t have a watch, but it would have been less than five minutes.

He has already walked over to me with a wine glass in one hand and a small cloth in the other. It was sparkling wine. I took the glass and asked with a gesture of my head.

“What is that?”

“Oh, this is…”

A small canapé came out when the cloth was untied, Looking at the slightly distorted shape made me smile, (T/N: canapé- a small piece of bread or pastry with a savoury topping, served with drinks at receptions or formal parties.)

“Did you bring it here to eat? You should have been eating something more delicious. I saw a lot earlier.”

“No, I don’t think you ate anything.”

It was both funny and admirable to see that I was not allowed to drink on an empty stomach. I felt like I was watching the ‘social life’ that I had experienced only in Korea. Say hello, thank you for the food and then put the food in my mouth. I suddenly experienced a hunger that I haven’t felt before.

Since I was savoring the canapés for a while, Anakin asked me if I’d like more. I shook my hand in embarrassment.

“No, it’s done. I have no appetite anyway, I’ll just get indigestion if I eat more. Didn’t you bring your share of drinks?”

“I cannot drink while working.”

“Even if I allow it?”

“If it’s an order, I’ll drink it, but I don’t think it’s important enough for you to order it.”

Seeing his straight expression, I suddenly wanted to play with him. I lifted his chin with a finger and smiled purposefully.

“What’s important and what’s not… I will judge.”

“I will keep it in mind.”

I couldn’t stand the matter-of-fact answer and burst into laughter. Anakin is the kind of person who doesn’t tell jokes. I still tilted my head because I didn’t know why I was crying.

But I liked the fact that he understood it right away without saying anything. I would make him do a lot of things that he didn’t know in the future, but it would be difficult if he was to wonder or ask every time.

“I’m kidding. I won’t force you if you don’t want me

to.”

“Thank you for your understanding.”

It’s silent again, it’s hard for people who prefer not to talk much. This is why I wanted to drink alcohol, but I couldn’t force myself to feed him what he didn’t like,

I sipped my drink with the sounds of insects buzzing by, and when I got tipsy enough, I started to talk again.

“Tell me your story.”

“…You mean my story?”

“Yes, any story is fine.”

Anakin had a rare look of bewilderment. Perhaps because of the alcohol, I started slurring at the end of my sentences.

“Because I’m…… curious about you.”

I was really curious about Anakin. Anyway… We were in the same boat. Just… just what did he do, how did he become a knight, what did he really want to do…

The stories we were talking about now are the perfect side stories that won’t be recorded in the world of the novel. Anakin gave a dry start.

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“It doesn’t really matter if my parents abandoned me or not…. Because I don’t remember them, and I don’t miss them.”

Anakin was just looking at me. Now, rather than him telling his story, it was more like an answer to a question. Even on the subject of family, which makes people most emotional, it comes out dryly from him. Perhaps even when Anakin is dying, he would simply say ‘I’m dying’.

“You don’t always have to have parents to be happy. Some families are unhappy because of their parents. I grew up as an orphan and left before adulthood because I was old enough to earn more than begging, and I met the child you met.”

“Come to think of it, I didn’t hear his name. What’s his name?”

Anakin shook his head at my question.

“He said he didn’t like his name. He said he was going to create a new one, so ask him the next time you see him.”

“Okay, then I’ll ask you something else. Is there anything else you wanted to be besides a knight? Why did you choose knighthood?”

“I couldn’t use my brain because I didn’t learn anything. I barely learned how to write. I don’t know, I’m not a very good mercenary…..and if it wasn’t for you, I might have become a mercenary one day.”

His words made me laugh again. Knights only have to serve one master, but mercenaries had to socialize with most people in the guild.

If you don’t build friendship, no matter how good you are, you will be kicked out of the political fight. Anakin just stared at me, not understanding my thoughts.

“I think you’d look good as a wanderer, you.”

“……I do?”

A wandering knight who wanders alone and gets paid to help anyone who needs help. Sometimes the price is food, sometimes lodging, sometimes gold coins.

After work, everyone wants to catch the wanderer, but the wanderer leaves again and walks on his own path without dwelling in the world. If this novel was a male-oriented novel, he might have been the main character.

I finished drinking and left my glass. Without hesitation, I looked up to the stars, and noticed that the stars that embroidered the sky were different from the Korean constellations. I once again realized, that I was in a different world. I quietly asked Anakin,

“The stars are beautiful. Do you know any constellations?”

“Constellation?…..hmmm. The Red Dragon and the Divine, oh, that’s the Woodcutter.”

Anakin raised his hand and pointed to the stars one by one. Then he gently connected the stars and showed me the constellations. The constellations are infinitely unfamiliar, but he was so familiar with the way he draws constellations that I wanted to cry a little.

Wrong. It no longer feels like he is made of letters in a book. Someday if I die, Anakin will surely be penalized. Maybe he will blame me. It’s not just Anakin. Helena….. the maids of the mansion….

How many innocent people do I need to sacrifice to leave here? What will happen to these people when I leave? Are they going to die?

If that’s the case, I just wish the world would be ruined with a flood of stars, so that if I die, those who suffer, and those who caused them to suffer will die.

We stood around under the stars for a long time. It was too long to wait for the sun.

The coming-of-age ceremony, which had a lot of talk and a lot of trouble, was over, and I prepared for the trip in earnest. I pleaded to the marquis that the coming-of-age ceremony incident at the palace was so shocking, that I had to leave to clear my mind.

The marquis, who knew that I’m not his daughter, suggested that I go to the nearby villa because I’d be more protected, but I said I wanted to take the train.

I couldn’t say that I would go to the Bonitao region, so I decided to go to the Randol region, where the nearby lake is beautiful.

In fact, I chose the Randol region because there was no marquis’s villa near the lake, as there was another reason for not staying at the marquis’s villa.

This is because if I stayed in a villa belonging to the Marquis of Misérian, there is a possibility that the people at the villa will monitor my movements.

I wasn’t curious about the sincerity of the marquis, whether it’s the persistent denial of wanting to hold onto a moving shell even though it’s a different person, or as one who can’t give up a political

marriage due to political ambition. Either way, it doesn’t matter what the reason was.

The problem is, you’re trying to sabotage me.

Anyway, I decided to think about it when the plan was revealed. I didn’t know what would happen, but I’ll have a headache if I worry about it in advance.

I packed my trunk to the brim, and a maid adjusted my clothes. Before I knew it, Anakin, who came in, left first with my luggage. The maid took a long time to fix the ribbon and saw me off, speaking subtly, but with a big smile.

“Have a nice trip, miss.”

“Yes, I’ll be right back.”

“You will surely come back?”

The maid said so and looked at my mouth, as if she wanted an answer. It was as if she was speaking to someone who was leaving to die, not to travel. There were varying complex subtle feelings in her gaze.

I don’t know how she came up with that idea. Maybe was caught.

But I never cried or made a mistake in front of her. I think I did my best to play Eris. Well, whatever my efforts were, fake can never replace the real thing.

Since I was young, I wanted the sky to be clear at the moment I died. I thought it would be less sad if the day was fine. And it was cloudy today.

“It’s okay. The days will go by.”

“My lady…”

“By the time I get back, it’ll be clear again. Right, Emma?”

*****

T/rant: Eris finally acknowledged Helena as an innocent person….I am so happy

But the real angst is on the way :”D

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