Chapter 40: 23

Episode 23

I’m Afraid

TW: Description of suicide.

“Regret? What do you mean?” (Eris)

She pressed her nails against her neat palms and asked,

“Are you talking about regrets over my death? Or are you talking about remorse for turning you into an enemy, the most promising high priest in the capital and the most promising one to be the next pope?”

“I’m talking about the lingering attachment and fear that any human being has, not the fear of eternity.” (Hubris)

“Then I guess I’m not human.” (Eris)

“Lady Misérian.” (Hubris)

“You know what? A person, no matter how much they want to die, you can’t cheer them up when they are so depressed.” (Eris)

In fact, it was still like that. I barely squeaked by like a doll whose battery was almost dead. A doll that activates when you press the power button, but stops without doing anything except for the moment.

I am so mentally exhausted that I didn’t want to do anything, but the sense of purpose to go back forced me to move.

“It’s so hard and overwhelming just to breathe…… can’t even attempt to die. Isn’t it funny? Trying to die can also be encouraging. Even if you try to hang yourself, you need the strength to tie the cloth to the ceiling and put your head through the string, and to fall off, you need the strength to climb high up.” (Eris)

When I first came to this world, I only slept. I want to wake up, because when I wake up, it’ll feel like I’m back at my house. I can’t believe that I’m in a strange place, in an unfamiliar body.

As I forced myself to repeatedly sleep and wake up, the body soon drooped and sagged. After that, I cried.

“Then you’ll just lie down and procrastinate like a fool. You say I must die tomorrow, and the next day you do that again. If you procrastinate like that, one day you suddenly feel strong.” (Eris)

The day I first attempted suicide. It was a very sunny day. Even when I woke up, my head didn’t hurt, and the food that didn’t suit my taste went well. My gait was as light as a feather.

“If you gain strength like that, you never know when you will become lethargic again, so I feel like I should die sooner when I have the strength. Do you know how it feels to fail when you barely gain strength?” (Eris)

“…….” (Hubris)

“Since God has helped me, shall I pledge to live hard? Wrong. I’m a fool, because I can’t die properly and I keep failing. So on and on… over and over again. If repeat it, both lingering feelings and fear will wear out. No, no…… I feel like I’m just fading away, little by little.” (Eris)

The rattling carriage stopped. Hubris did not say anything. Silence is always better than clumsy consolation.

“Why do you look like that? Are you scared? You’re afraid I’ll die right away.” (Eris)

“…..Yes, I’m afraid.” (Hubris)

Anakin opened the door first and reached out to me. I pulled my hand out of Hubris and stood up.

“I still have a long way to go before I die, so don’t worry too much. Don’t people say ‘each one has his own end’?” (Eris)

I smiled gently to reassure him. In this novel, Eris’s miserable death is the dazzling climax of the story that readers had hoped for and expected more than Helena’s marriage.

When I saw Hubris’ back heading to the house of Priest Metheus, I suddenly thought like that. If this was a musical, not a novel, what kind of music would be played during Eris’s death?

If the world were a big play, what song would ring at the end?

“Who are you?”

It was a very small log cabin that seemed a little cramped for two people to live in. As Hubris knocked on the door, a heavy old voice resounded from beyond the door.

“It’s me, my lord. Hubris.”

“No, why did you come all the way here when you are supposed to be in the capital.”

“I heard that the priest is very sick…”

But Metheus, who came out of the door, looked very sturdy. It was understandable. Hubris would have

hurried to get here when he heard that Metheus was almost dying.

I slipped out of Hubris and greeted Metheus.

“Nice to meet you, Father Metheus. I have a question for you, so I came to you suddenly without sending a message in advance.”

“No, you’re…….”

“You can call me Lady Misérian, or you can call me Stranger.” (TL/N: ‘stranger’ as in soul from a different world, the title given to Eris by Medea in an earlier chp.)

Anyway, this person could see my soul, so I didn’t have to hide it. Metheus nodded his head as if he had sensed something, then he turned his body and opened his door wide.

“…Come in. It’s going to be a long story.”

It was a small and cozy cottage. There was no need for housekeeping as there were only the essentials, so no matter how retired he was, it felt humble for a highranking official’s house.

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Hubris stared at me while Metheus went to get some tea.

“Did you send that child too?”

“Did you only just realize? I thought you noticed from the train.”

“How can you be so nonchalant when you have lured a man on false pretense! Aren’t you sorry for me?”

I don’t know why he is blaming me when he didn’t even check.

It wasn’t even that much of an effort to deceive him. I just told the boy from the slums to go to Hubris and drop a word.

The child faithfully told a lie that he had sent a message saying, Please come, Priest Metheus is in critical condition’. Hubris did not verify who the child was as he hurriedly packed his bags and boarded the train.

“No matter how young he looks, you shouldn’t believe what others say so easily. I cheated to use you as a guide, but what would you do if a trap was dug to harm you?”

“God will guide me.”

Hubris stubbornly kept his mouth shut. It wasn’t a matter of bragging about his self-esteem, but it was ridiculous.

In fact, Metheus was just like the adoptive father of Hubris, so saying that was enough for him to get on the train with his eyes closed. I was also aiming for that, and he was really possessed by the words that Metheus was in a critical state.

Although the illegitimate son of the Marquis Misérian, Hubris’s mother did not inform the marquis that she was pregnant with Hubris. She was a foreign dancer, and it was clear that she would lose her child if she reported it.

Instead, she went to the temple and asked for help. Hubris’s mother met High Priest Metheus at the temple, and with his help, she safely gave birth to Hubris and raised him.

Hubris, fortunately, resembled his mother more closely than the marquis. As he grew up in a temple, Hubris naturally dreamed of becoming a high priest like Priest Metheus, and because of his innate talent, that wish was soon realized.

It was too late when the marquis later discovered that he had an illegitimate son named Hubris. Hubris had already become the youngest high priest, and he had become too famous to draw him into the family.

Even if Hubris had not become high priest, the marquis would not have been able to bring him. Aside from his mother, Hubris respected and loved Priest Metheus the most. Any comfortable and luxurious life would be meaningless without them.

High Priest Metheus finally brought out the crude teacups and refreshments. All of them were tasty and healthy.

Most of the teas and refreshments handled at Marquis’s and Laute were sweet.

In fact, as a person who doesn’t like sweets very much, Metheus’s tea and refreshments were my favorite.

‘Stranger, I don’t know why you took a precious step to meet me in such a shabby place. I’m afraid that a poor old man will disappoint you.”

“This is a question that only Priest Metheus can answer.”

I heard from Hubris that I couldn’t go out alive anyway, and the witch taught me that I needed a dragon’s heart to break the law of causality.

I was curious about the revelation that the dragon made known to Metheus. And the fact that Jason was a hero is something that originally appeared in the novel, but what the hell has changed and what kind of content is it originally?

“Lord Kazar said that the dragon violated the law of causality and manipulated you to twist its destiny. When you heard the prophecy, did you not feel any difference from the gods?”

“…I didn’t know. It’s a little bit like a dream. I didn’t feel strange at the time, but I woke up later and as time passed, I realized something was different.”

“Do you remember exactly what the prophecy was about?”

At my question, Matthews looked into the air and blinked for a moment. He answered in a calm voice.

“Of course I remember. It’s still good.”

– A child born on the night of the third moon’s waning will have to stab the mad dragon with a sword. Only that child can harm the light dragon, and during the day when the light dragon stops breathing, everything will return as it should be.

(TL/N: “Moon’s Waning”- The moon is called a waning moon when it is in the phase in which its visible surface area is getting smaller. A waning moon occurs between a full moon (when the visible surface is fully round and lit up) and a new moon (when the surface that faces Earth is completely covered in shadow).]

“Just like that?”

“I don’t know what the rationale is. It’s because I’m too small and foolish for the truth.”

Well, a groan came out of my mouth. I came here because I wanted to know because if you did know, then you don’t have to take risks and come all the way here. I wanted to grab some other straw, so I asked another question.

“Were there any other prophecies in this land…?”

“Another prophecy…. There was nothing else that could be called a prophecy.”

I tried to think of the novel as that might be of some help, but nothing came to mind. Seeing my expression, Metheus said with a very apologetic face.

“In the beginning, God didn’t give prophecies, or oracles. There’s never been a precedent, and probably no priests will receive oracles after that. I should have confessed frankly after that.”

The benevolent old man soon covered his face with both hands and began to sob in pain.

“What I received was not an oracle, but the fact that the supreme existence of nature is ‘predicated’ made me shocked out of my mind. But I was afraid. I am a mere mortal. Yet after receiving it, I became a high priest, and because of that, I gained high honor.”

“But, my lord, you also knew later that you had been manipulated.” (Hubris)

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