Chapter 4: 4

So far, Chihiro tried not to be too conscious of Mukai even when they were occupying the same space. Despite having drawn the attention of a perfect and capable man, it still made him feel inferior. But whenever he thought to himself ‘what if?’ and snuck a glance at Mukai, he realized that Mukai was often looking in his direction. 

When Chihiro was absentmindedly drinking coffee in the break room, or when he was stopped by his boss and they stood in the hall chatting, Mukai would be staring at Chihiro from a short distance away. 

Even so, Chihiro was still skeptical. It was obvious that he was being watched, but there must be a different reason for it. It was bothering him, but it wasn’t like he could just ask him directly, ‘Why are you watching me?’ If Mukai replied with ‘What are you talking about?’ it would be over for him.  

As he contemplated whether he was just being conceited or not, the standards for the new products had been decided, and the sales promotion schedule was released. Before realizing, it had already turned into autumn. 

“Ah, damn it.” 

That day, while receiving the deliveries from the print shop, Chihiro involuntarily raised his voice. 

“Suzuki-san is off today and tomorrow.” 

He usually asked the part-time student to take care of the invitations for the store.  He had forgotten that he had requested the days off due to an emergency. 

“I wanted to have it done by tomorrow, should I do it now…?” 

“I’ll give you a hand.” Mukai rolled up the sleeves of his dress shirt and sat down in the seat diagonally across from Chihiro. 

It was already past closing time and even the lights were dimmed on the other side of the office. 

“Then, can I ask you to seal these?” Chihiro wanted to turn his offer down but that would have felt too unnatural. He spread the invitations and envelopes on the desk. 

“Regarding the promotions for the EC store, I apologize for being so pushy with it.” As soon as they divided the tasks and got down to it, Mukai earnestly apologized. It was about today’s meeting with the Sales Department. 

“You weren’t particularly pushy or anything. Aside from Kishino-san, everyone else was pretty optimistic.”

Any objections to the promotional development proposed by Mukai were mainly a matter of budget, and Mukai had silenced them by providing detailed cost-effective data. There seemed to be some people in the Sales Department that found Mukai a nuisance but beyond that, no one wanted to make an enemy out of him. 

With each passing day, Mukai’s presence spread more and more around the company, while Chihiro felt like his own reason for being was fading. 

I want to transfer to another department ASAP.

Competing when you’re at a disadvantage will only consume you, Chihiro thought while eagerly waiting for the next career interview. 

“Even so, I was prepared to wait a while for them to make a decision, but it’s even longer than I expected,” Mukai said in a subtle tone of disgust and admiration. 

At that, Chihiro unintentionally let out a laugh. “That’s corporate culture for you.” That was the flip side of reliable and stable. 

Whenever Chihiro laughed, Mukai blinked. 

This was also something that Chihiro had noticed recently. Mukai would always blink when Chihiro laughed. He himself was probably not even aware of it. 

And once again, at that kind of reaction from Mukai, Chihiro would feel uneasy. 

“Is it gonna be much longer?” An employee from the Development Department peeked out from behind the office plant. 

“I’m sorry, just a bit longer.” 

“Then I’ll only  turn off the lights over here. I’ll be heading out first!~” 

It was just past eight p.m., but with no people in the office, it felt like it was the middle of the night. 

The sound of rustling paper, creaking chairs, and other trivial noises that normally went unnoticed lingered in Chihiro’s ears. 

“Ah!” Wanting to finish work quickly, Chihiro tried to take out a bundle of papers from the bag and ended up getting a paper cut. 

“Are you alright?” 

A sharp pain shot through his finger and blood immediately started to ooze out. He quickly put his finger to his mouth so that it wouldn’t bleed all over the papers. 

“Sorry, can you hand me a tissue?” 

“Here,” Mukai grabbed a tissue from the tissue box that was on top of the steel rack. 

Chihiro tried to suppress the blood with the tissue, but it was too thin and soon enough the tissue was dyed red. It seemed like he cut himself deeper than he initially thought. 

“You probably don’t have a band-aid or something?” 

“Please wait a moment.” 

The desk that Mukai mainly used was the one that was next to Chihiro’s. Mukai, who was sitting diagonally across from Chihiro, got up and came around.  Chihiro felt nervous for no reason at Mukai coming so close right next to him. 

“The other day, Miki-san was troubled by a blister on her foot, so I dropped by the convenience store and got some band-aids. The rest should be here somewhere…” Mukai opened the drawer and started searching. As he was searching, the tray with all the writing utensils shifted and Chihiro noticed some sticky notes with memos under it. 

There were many sheets piled up, and the reason they looked familiar to Chihiro was because these were the sticky notes he had written. 

Chihiro had received the oval shaped sticky notes as a complimentary gift. He had used them to write his thoughts on the sample products and any messages from their vendors, and then had passed them over to Mukai. 

That distinctive shape… there’s no mistake, these are all mine.

It wasn’t just one sticky note, but quite a lot had accumulated. Why are there so many, why in this kind of place….? Just as Chihiro tried to look more closely, Mukai suddenly grabbed his wrist. 

“…” 

Mukai was staring at Chihiro in silence. Chihiro felt his back reflexively stiffen. 

“I found it.” Mukai closed the drawer with his other hand. The yellow and blue sticky notes disappeared from Chihiro’s field of vision. 

“Th-thanks….” 

Mukai took off the tissue and wrapped his finger in the band-aid. Chihiro’s heartbeat sped up at the movement of their touching hands and fingers. 

“Sorry, thanks,” Chihiro said deliberately lightly and sat back down in his seat. He couldn’t get the sticky notes in the drawer out of his head. They were just memos. Something he hastily wrote and then you would throw away after reading. 

Why were they there, as if hidden….

Mukai slowly returned to his previous spot. 

The chair creaked and when Chihiro raised his head to say something, Mukai suddenly let out a sigh. Chihiro was startled. 

Their eyes met and Mukai smiled bitterly. 

Seeing Mukai’s chagrined expression as if asking ‘Have you finally figured it out?’ Chihiro’s heart pounded violently. 

 “Did it stop? The bleeding.” 

“Uh, yeah. Thanks.” 

There was a hint of resignation in his weak tone of voice. Mukai let out a small sigh at Chihiro’s shrill voice. His eyes were slightly trembling. At that reaction that didn’t seem like Mukai, Chihiro felt a strange feeling welling up bit by bit. 

It seems like Mukai likes me after all. 

Surprise and bewilderment, and then this tingling, exhilarating feeling. Which was, if you could find the closest word for it- a feeling of triumph. 

“I’ll finish up the rest.” Mukai lowered his eyes and said vacantly. It had a nuance of, ‘you probably find it unpleasant, working just the two of us.’ 

“It’s fine. Plus I’m the one that’s receiving your help.”

Hearing Chihiro reply in the same way as before, Mukai blinked. 

“Let’s wrap this up quickly.” 

He could tell that Mukai was relieved. His attitude alone could stir up Mukai’s emotions. He was still half in doubt, but at least it didn’t seem like Mukai was teasing him or playing a joke on him. Chihiro’s head was a mess. 

It’s a lie. 

But what if …?

No way… 

Anyways, it felt really weird. 

⬧⬨⬧⬨

Relationships were something that could change from even the slightest thing. 

It might seem conceited, but the instant that Chihiro realized that Mukai might be interested in him, a sense of satisfaction was born in him.

“Minami-san, has something good happened recently~” When Hata asked him that, Chihiro felt himself blush deep down. 

“Why do you ask?” 

“You just seem to be in a really good mood. Well, not that you’re in a bad mood at other times.” 

After the meeting with the Sales Department, they were on their way to the meeting room to have a briefing session for the promotional work. Mukai was following along a few feet back while talking with Hata’s junior that had joined them. 

About a month had passed since that night they worked overtime. 

On the surface, nothing had changed in particular, but whenever Chihiro interacted with Mukai, he couldn’t help but observe him carefully, wondering whether Mukai really did like him. 

Mukai, who had noticed, would smile faintly. And every time Chihiro touched the sweetness of self-deprecation in that bitter smile that was saying ‘That’s right,’ he would be surprised. It really is true.

While surprised, he relished in the victory. 

Feeling victorious about such a thing, even he felt that it was childish. But when Hata had pointed out that he seemed to be in a good mood, he felt embarrassed. 

“The EC store is also doing well. Perhaps, do you have a good feeling about the assessment for the second half of the year?” 

“No, no.” Chihiro laughed it off to deceive him, but he had a good feeling about the transfer request he put in at yesterday’s career interview. In February, the company had their annual staff reassignment, so if all turned out well, there should be an unofficial announcement released before the year was out. 

“Then once again, I look forward to working with you.” Arriving in the meeting room, Chihiro greeted Hata’s junior before sitting down in his seat. 

Hata’s junior, who had just joined the company this year, had tensely handed out his business card and introduced himself as Niwa Kensuke. He was of a small stature and seemed meek, but Hata had a high opinion of him saying he had guts. 

“As you may have heard from Hata-san, the actual leader of this project is Mukai-kun. So please think of me as a backup.” Chihiro said with a smile. 

The promotion this time was in line with the full-scale operation of the EC store. Mukai had made the presentation and gotten approval for the budget. Mukai had taken the lead in everything, but Chihiro was made the leader. He felt conflicted about it, but they had no choice but to divide the work evenly.  

“To be able to work together with Mukai-san, it’s really an honor.” Niwa said, full of emotion. 

“This guy, it seems like during his school days he once participated in a special-event club that Mukai-san was doing when he was also a student.” 

“But Mukai-san was no longer there when I joined.” Niwa said with a feeling of deep regret and crinkled his eyes. “To be able to meet like this, I’m really happy.” 

“Same here.” Like someone who was used to these kinds of situations, Mukai responded very simply. 

“Well, shall we start then?” 

The briefing session went smoothly, but Chihiro felt a slight sense of alienation. 

Niwa seemed to be quite enamored with Mukai. He was trying to not show it, but his fan temperament couldn’t be hidden in his speech and conduct. On the one hand, while it was funny to see, it was also annoying. Frankly, it wasn’t all that entertaining. 

“If no one has any plans after this, shall we go out for drinks? There’s a restaurant close by that a friend introduced me to.” After the briefing ended, Hata made a lighthearted suggestion. 

Niwa was looking at Mukai with eyes full of expectation. Mukai automatically glanced at Chihiro. 

“That sounds good. Let’s go.” While Niwa was gazing at Mukai passionately, Mukai cared only about Chihiro’s response. He wasn’t really in the mood, but this was after all, the first get-together with Niwa. He was someone that would be working together with them for the time being. So Chihiro accepted the invite with good grace. 

“Then let’s meet in the lobby.” 

The two parted by the elevator, and Chihiro and Mukai returned to the office for the time being. 

“Ah, Minami-kun.” 

Just as he was about to head to the lobby after getting ready to leave, the head of HR, who he had just had his career interview with the other day, called out his name. 

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“About yesterday’s matter, I sent it to upper management.” 

“Thank you very much. I appreciate your support.” 

It was a brief exchange of words in passing, but Mukai had sharp ears and turned to glance at Chihiro. He was concerned about yesterday’s matter. Chihiro feigned ignorance and headed towards the lobby. 

Mukai was always conscious of him in some way. 

While it made him feel smug, on the other hand, Chihiro couldn’t help but also be suspicious. 

Why me?

From Chihiro’s point of view, Mukai was a much more impressive man than him. Even if he was really gay, Chihiro couldn’t understand how a man of Mukai’s standing could like someone like him. Sure he was fairly popular with women, but if he was compared to Mukai, most women would choose Mukai. That’s how it was with Nanase. 

Remembering the shock of seeing them on the day of the seminar, Chihiro once again got a vague feeling of loathing.

At the restaurant bar that Hata invited them to, Niwa was full of admiration and asked Mukai about anything and everything, responding to his every move. 

“‘Mukai-san Mukai-san,’ you should have a little restraint!” Hata admonished Niwa with a strained laugh. Niwa turned bright red and apologized but soon after, he was eagerly questioning Mukai once more. Mukai seemed to be accustomed to it and was casually responding, while also making conversation with Hata and Chihiro. For the first time in a long time, Chihiro remembered the expression ‘gracious host.’ Chihiro secretly thought to himself that he must have a good sense of balance. 

Chihiro also often heard that the atmosphere of the party or get-together was totally different when he was attending. Though that was only when it was him and his friends getting together. Mukai would definitely be able to handle business dinners with his superiors. Truly, nothing was impossible for Mukai. 

Despite all that, why does he like me? Chihiro’s thoughts once again circled the same topic. 

Hata took it upon himself to pay the bill, and he and Niwa, parting with the two, were headed back to the office. 

After seeing the taxi carrying Hata and Niwa disappear out of sight, Chihiro glanced at his watch. It was still eight o’clock. If this was their normal routine, Chihiro would have invited Mukai out for another drink, but he was hesitating. 

“If you’d like, why don’t we go drinking for a bit longer?” As if seeing through Chihiro’s hesitation, Mukai invited him. 

Startled, as Chihiro looked at Mukai, he was looking back at Chihiro with a slightly defiant look. “Even if I invite you, I can never get the timing right.” 

It was true that every time he had asked, Chihiro had made up some perfunctory excuse and declined, but at Mukai’s teasing tone, he was miffed. 

“If Mukai-kun has no business to take care of, then I’m in.” 

“Even if I did, I wouldn’t let the chance to drink together with Minami-san pass.” 

“Ha? Wh-what the.” Hearing something so unexpected, Chihiro was startled and his voice cracked. He was annoyed at Mukai’s chuckle, but there was nothing in the way that he laughed that seemed like he was ridiculing Chihiro. If anything, it honestly came across as if he was happy to be able to go drinking with Chihiro. It felt strange. 

“Is there any place you want to go?” As if not wanting Chihiro to change his mind, Mukai promptly started walking, and Chihiro hurriedly followed along.

“Not really, anywhere is fine.” 

“Then I’ll choose a place near here.”

For some reason, every time Mukai referred to himself using a more cocky pronoun1, Chihiro would startle. Chihiro pretended to be as calm as possible.  

“Should we go here?” Mukai stopped in front of a restaurant they were passing by. 

The chic wooden door was accented by an iron doorknob. The concrete wall was cut into a long narrow strip, and only a portion of the inside of the restaurant was visible. It seemed like a bar. 

“Welcome!” 

The inside of the restaurant was much deeper than it seemed. The older men and women sitting at the counter were quietly drinking wine. 

“Just us two.” 

The waiter informed them that tables were also available, but after confirming that the counter would be preferable, Mukai naturally led Chihiro deeper into the restaurant. 

“What do you want to drink?” As they sat down side by side at the counter, Mukai gazed at the beautifully displayed bottles and glasses. “It seems like whiskey is their specialty.” 

“I don’t know much about brand names.” 

“Is it okay if I choose something?” Mukai consulted with the bartender and even ordered Chihiro’s drink for him.

The role that he took when he went on dates with women, having it done by Mukai, made him feel somewhat restless. 

”It’s better to hold back a little. Minami-san, you’re a lightweight, aren’t you?” After drinking for a while and talking about work, Mukai anxiously placed the plate of snacks in front of Chihiro. 

“Do you want some water? Is carbonated water fine?” 

Getting the water menu, ordering seconds, Mukai did everything. He’d tidy up the fallen shells of the nuts right away. When Chihiro would think to himself that he needed to wipe his hand, Mukai would naturally place a napkin next to him. It didn’t feel intrusive, but instead, that he seemed to take pleasure in taking care of others. 

“Mukai-kun, you’re really attentive, huh?” 

“Not really. Aah, but I am the type that wants to take care of the person I like.” 

Startled at the phrase person I like, Chihiro turned to look at Mukai. He was leaning with his elbow on the counter, head propped up, and staring back. 

Meeting his smiling gaze head on, Chihiro felt like he was being made fun of and got annoyed. 

“Is something wrong?”

“Nothing.” 

After irritably taking a mouthful of whiskey, Mukai being a busybody once again, suggested he drink more water. 

“Mukai-kun, are you dating anyone?” He tried this form of attack as retaliation for being made fun of. 

“I’m not,” Mukai answered plainly. “Minami-san?”

“Nope, unfortunately.” For a moment he hesitated, but he answered truthfully. The strange mood between him and Nanase had already become clear, and lying was too shameless. Mukai’s eyes were faintly shining. 

“…Well then, since we’re fellow singles, why don’t we go drinking together occasionally?” Mukai grabbed his glass and said offhandedly. 

But, Chihiro noticed the fingertips that were holding the glass were full of force. 

“Sounds good.” 

“Really?” 

“Next time I’ll invite you.” 

Mukai suddenly laughed. His eyes were knowing, doubting that Chihiro had any intention to invite him. “I will also invite you.” 

It felt as if Mukai was saying he wouldn’t let him get away. Chihiro felt a chill. The fact that he didn’t find that unpleasant was probably because he was already drunk before even realizing. 

“Am I red?” He was suddenly feeling self-conscious about being drunk. 

“I can’t tell because it’s too dark in here.” 

As he rubbed his cheek, Mukai let out a chuckle. 

“You’re really good at drinking, Mukai-kun. I’m jealous.” 

“I’d like to get drunk though. Back during my school years, I’d be the one to apologize on behalf of my drunk friends making a scene. Taking my dead-drunk friends home. I only got the short end of the stick.” 

Chihiro let out a laugh at Mukai’s strange lamenting. As if drawn in, Mukai also laughed with him. 

“Hey, do you think it’s okay to drink a highball?” Finally feeling completely at ease, Chihiro asked the question he had a hard time voicing. 

“Why do you ask?” 

“Because, it might be seen as unconventional.” Chihiro felt pressured by the concern that good whiskey should be enjoyed either straight or on the rocks, and adding water also depended on the brand. 

Mukai laughed, “That’s definitely not the case.” Mukai immediately signaled to the bartender. 

“Should I also order some more smoked cheese?” 

“Uh huh.” 

Chihiro gazed at Mukai who was ordering a highball on his behalf, and drunkenly thought to himself that having someone else take the lead was nice. 

“That reminds me, Minami-san, earlier you said something about the career interview. What was that about?” Mukai asked as if just remembering. 

It hasn’t been long since Mukai started working here, so he was not yet eligible to transfer. It seemed like he was curious about earlier today when Chihiro was talking to HR in the hallway. 

“All sorts of things depending on the department. Asking if there has been any power harassment from the bosses or if anyone has been coerced into doing unreasonable tasks and such. And if there was, they would do an investigation.” 

“Ah, I see.” 

Hiding the fact that he submitted a transfer request, Chihiro roughly explained to Mukai, and he listened with rapt attention. Mukai was good at listening to people. 

Just like that, the conversation turned to talk about work, and then complaints about the blockbuster sci-fi movie series they had previously criticized together, and time passed while they were laughing. 

After having switched to highballs, drinking became easier, and before Chihiro noticed, he had drunk quite a lot. 

“We have work tomorrow, so shall we get going soon?” 

At Mukai’s suggestion, Chihiro looked at his wrist watch and was surprised to see that three hours had passed. 

“Are you alright?” 

Exiting the restaurant, his legs suddenly wobbled. 

As usual, Mukai had gotten the check, and when Chihiro had held up the money like playing cards asking if he had enough, Mukai had laughed and grabbed a few bills from him. In a perfectly good mood, he headed towards the station as Mukai told him to walk straight. 

“Mukai-kun, you’re really reliable~” 

“I have a responsibility since I let you drink too much. It would have been good if I had you drinking highballs from the start.” He said the second part to himself, and then apologized. 

“Saying it like that, kinda pisses me off. Aren’t you looking down on me because you’re a strong drinker?” Completely letting his guard down around Mukai and talking like he was picking a fight, Mukai let out a laugh. 

“I am not. I was only thinking that Minami-san was a little stronger. I’m a heavy drinker and I don’t really know my limits.” 

“Sounds nice, being good at drinking.” 

They were knowingly going back and forth pointlessly, but this kind of uncomplicated and frank conversation was precisely why he got along well with Mukai. 

He could barely feel any sensation in his legs and was having fun feeling breezy. 

“I want to take you home, but I’ll restrain myself.” 

“Hm? Aah, thanks.” 

Before long, they arrived at the taxi stand in front of the station. There was still time until the last train, but looking at Chihiro’s state, it seemed that Mukai concluded a taxi was the safer choice. 

“This, please drink it when you arrive home.” 

After Chihiro got into the backseat, Mukai handed him a convenience store bag. On the way to the station, Mukai had asked him to wait for a moment and entered a convenience store. It was to buy this? Chihiro peeked inside the bag and saw hangover medicine and a hydrating drink. 

Before he could say thank you, the taxi had already driven off. 

——“I want to take you home, but I’ll restrain myself.” 

He finally understood what Mukai had meant just now. 

Chihiro put the convenience bag on his lap and sat up properly. The neon lights outside the window were floating by. 

He hadn’t told him clearly yet, but it seemed more and more certain that Mukai had feelings for him. 

Chihiro still had a lot of doubts and was confused as to how to handle it. 

But whatever, at any rate I’m transferring soon, and it’s not like Mukai is that serious about me anyways. 

After ultimately coming to that difficult conclusion, Chihiro leaned back in his seat.

Footnotes

Mukai is once again switching to using “ore.”

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