Chapter 186: Unable to Differentiate Between Dreams and Reality

It was dark, Qianqian and Luocheng sat side by side at a pond near a forest path. They sat in comfortable silence, watching the leaves and the reflection of the pond in the faint moonlight.

“Do you feel a little bit better now?” Qianqian asked in concern.

Luocheng drank quite a bit today and had fallen asleep on the car ride just now. The cool breeze blew and Luocheng felt more awake, and with Qianqian by his side, he felt a little comforted. He had the urge to embrace her, but he worried that the smell of alcohol would stick to her and thus, refrained from taking any action.

“Yeah, I feel so much better now.” Luocheng nodded his head.

“Would you tell me about it?” Qianqian asked lightly. “The time when you left home, and about why you’re adamant about not joining the professional leagues.”

You could say that the past few days had tested all of Qianqian’s knowledge about Luocheng’s person. She knew that he was good at E-sports, but she never imagined that he had once stood on the highest glory in the field of E-sports before.

But why did he decide to quit?

You could see that Lin Dong, Zhou Yan, Da Luo, and Xiao Bei all had a love and passion for e-sports that was hard to be understood by ordinary people. They must have an immeasurable amount of tears and laughter in the field of e-sports when they were still in it.

Luocheng remained silent.

Qianqian didn’t press further, quietly sitting beside him. The area was silent and you could hear the ripples on the water.

“I left home two years ago…” Luocheng said slowly, his soft voice piercing through the night’s silence. His eyes were on the water as he spoke. “I should have been in Year 1 at that time…”

“In those two years, I never contacted home once. They didn’t know whether I was dead or alive, and they didn’t even know where I was…”

“I don’t know why I was so numb at that time, with only the computer in my mind. I didn’t even want to communicate with others, I just wanted the mouse and keyboard to win.”

“After I lost that match, it felt like I had awakened from a long dream. At that time I realized that I had nothing left, and all I wanted to do was to go home.”

Luocheng fell silent again when he reached this point. He struggled to find the words to express the feelings he had felt at that time even though he could recall it vividly in his mind. The moment he had stepped down from the airplane, the feeling of lifelessness, no blood running through his veins, and no heartbeat.

He admitted that he had been completely obsessed with E-sports and had been unable to tear himself away from it. Even with the consistent victories and surpassing his own limits, the empty void in his heart could not be filled.

However, that one failure had sent his whole world collapsing. He had regarded the game as his belief and religion, taking it as a pillar of support… and he had nearly fallen into a state of madness and despair.

A few days before the big competition in England, he had received a call from his mother—Li Yun, who had not contacted him in two years. Luocheng didn’t know how she had gotten his contact in England, but the reason behind the call had made him shed tears.

He had thought that he could survive without the support of his family and relatives, but the moment he heard her voice and spoke to her, he felt all the inner turmoil and feelings that he had suppressed for the past two years rushing out. His mind was filled with the images of his mother and father, as well as the gentleness of his sister—Yu Yu.

He had left home for two years, but he had lived with them for more than ten years, how could this type of familial relationship be so easily forgotten?

Listening to his mother’s advice, he, who had been immersed completely in the world of computers, finally woke up.

A person who only held passion and extreme love for e-sports and nothing else was basically a living dead, living in a dream!

“At that time, I couldn’t sleep. My mind was full of illusions of the game. Once my eyes moved toward the computer screen, I could see nothing else.”

When a person lives in a dream, it was actually a terrifying ordeal.

“When I received medical examinations abroad, my mental state was already abnormal. Whenever I saw Da Luo or Lin Dong and the rest of them, I even felt like we were strangers.” Luocheng admitted bitterly.

“How could it be?” Qianqian asked, startled.

“It was an obsession, in simple terms. Just like how youngsters would get addicted to games, I was in a deep dark pit. I was in too deep and I couldn’t get myself out of the pit that I had dug.”

“So you chose to return home?”

“Yeah.”

“How about now?”

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“There isn’t anything like that now.”

E-sports was like a slow-acting poison, chipping away at your spirit.

Luocheng had been very young at the time, he had not formed the correct perception of E-sports. With his extraordinary talent and skills, he had immersed himself completely in it, relying on the constant victories to try and satisfy his desires.

“So the reason you lost in England… was it because you wanted to go home?” Qianqian asked.

Luocheng shook his head.

“I really put my all into that match but that person was just too strong. After losing, I took the chance to leave and never told them why because I didn’t want them to know that I couldn’t tell the difference between dreams and reality anymore. I didn’t want to tell them that if I had continued, I probably would have gone mad.”

“I only found out later that my father was bedridden when I got home, the liver disease had reached a critical phase.” Luocheng smiled sadly.

“It had only appeared during the two years I had left. His liver was never in good shape and my departure just made it worse. He had really high hopes for me.” Luocheng explained. “I took a double score in primary school, I also took the trophy in junior high school, getting excellent results to get into high school. He checked on me every day, asking me about my studies every time…”

From the way Luocheng described it, Qianqian could imagine the expectations and pride of a father toward a son.

You could also then understand how angry and disappointed his father had felt when he realized that Luocheng had left home to pursue E-sports.

“Forget it, it’s in the past,” Luocheng said, shaking his head and feeling much more awake now.

He didn’t feel like thinking about it anymore. He was unlike Da Luo, Lin Dong, Zhou Yan and Xiao Bei who didn’t have these bonds. They didn’t have such a responsible father who had given them unconditional love which in return, had used the same affection to make him feel guilty for everything. That was the reason that after he had lost, he had told that British player that he wouldn’t touch DOTA ever again. At the same time, he also promised his father who forgave him that he would never touch professional E-sports again.

Luocheng knew himself very well, that if he were to touch professional E-sports, he would very likely spiral downward into the dream world once again like a madman.

He needed his family, and he needed to live a normal life to get rid of this creeping shadow and leave the dream entirely.

“Will you start again once you can control yourself?” Qianqian asked instead.

Luocheng shook his head.

Even if he could control his mental state to differentiate between dreams and reality, diving back into professional E-sports would be no different than taking a knife to his father’s abdomen. It would be like the final nail in the coffin to his father. He couldn’t be so selfish, thinking of how his father had been working so hard, and now bedridden in pain.

Luocheng had already done a great wrong and he refused to hurt his father any further.

He just wanted to follow what his father—Yu Jing had once said, to smoothly graduate from university and find a stable job, slowly taking over the burden of the family from his parents.

“They will help me complete the things I could not, don’t worry about it.” Luocheng smiled reassuringly.

“I know, but I just feel that it’s such a waste. You’re so talented, yet you’re not joining the professional leagues.” Qianqian replied.

“Just a bit, but I’ll still be practicing with them, helping them to get to a higher place than before.” Luocheng said.

“That’s true,” Qianqian said as she nodded her head in agreement.

“Hehe, will you give me the cold shoulder now that you know I used to have some mental health issues?” Luocheng jokingly said.

“It wasn’t your fault, you were still so young, you definitely would have had problems.” Qianqian retorted. “Nowadays the children are all kinds of rebellious, suicidal and lonely. Although you were obsessed with the game and couldn’t tear yourself away, you managed to obtain a high glory for the country. That is so amazing, I really didn’t know you were so great.”

“Haha, that’s good.” Luocheng smiled brightly.

After talking it out with Qianqian, Luocheng felt the weight of the world lifted off his shoulders. He had only ever told Zhou Yan about the fact with his detrimental mental state and now, Qianqian was the second person he had told. Luocheng felt blessed that both of them were able to understand him.

Although he had healed slightly from that time, he had to take his family into consideration. Luocheng didn’t have any intention to ever step foot into professional leagues ever again.

He would silently watch over the newly established Team LM as they walked the highest honor of the glorious era of E-sports!

‘Good luck, Lin Dong, Xiao Bei, Da Lui, Zhou Yan.

‘Even without me, you will definitely be able to step into the peak of the summit. Take that regret and once again conquer the world championship!’