Chapter 1: 1. The Constant

My life is full of uncertainties. Always has been. I don't know how I'm going to escape my abusers or my depression. I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. But what I do know is that I love you and when I think of that I have the only clarity I've ever had.

 

Life becomes clear when you love someone. A Constant. A way of life. When you're in love you suddenly know everything about life. You know who you are meant to be. You know what you were meant to do. You see the truth at the center of the universe, even when out of reach.

 

The day I felt love for the first time I gained a sense of self I never had before. Is that wrong? Am I weak for understanding myself through my bonds? I don't know. But what I do know is who I was meant to be. Who I cannot be for you, because the science does not allow it; my body betrays me.

 

So, I stand still. I walk aimlessly through life. I see the goal post but I see no path towards it. My life is a small island, inevitably losing land to the ocean. If I don't find a path to the mainland I'll soon lose sight of life.

 

I know who I am, it just doesn't matter.

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