Chapter 66: 53

Chapter 53 - Why am I a dead duck.

T/N: Content Warning continues for depictions of self-harm and mild gore.

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Jun Xuanheng died.

His chest was already empty, his heart had been completely and precisely scooped out.

Ye Lan was quite accustomed to this technique and, as usual, he easily crushed that still-beating heart between his fingers.


His face was covered in blood, eerie and terrifying, but he turned to Ye Xiao and smiled with extreme gentleness: “Gui Mao, you don’t need to protect others anymore, just run away with me.”

He stepped forward to grab Ye Xiao’s hand, but instead received a slap to the face as a response. Ye Xiao had used one-tenth of his force, so hot, fishy sweet blood started flowing out of his mouth, nose, and ears.

Ye Lan didn’t hesitate, seeming as though he couldn’t sense Ye Xiao’s hostility, and leaned over towards him, “Don’t make trouble, we’ll go back first.....”

“Get lost.” Ye Xiao raged, his voice trembling with suppressed emotions. His brain had still not accepted what had happened, and he couldn’t weave together the words to scold him. He only thought about getting far away from the eyes of this devil, and only felt that the hand that had touched him was incomparably filthy.

The Second Young Master had set his heart on interrogating Jun Xuanheng for his origins, and had persistently endured for several months, so now that Ye Lan had ruined his plans he was also extremely angry. The surrounding guards weren’t apprehensive anymore and moved forward, only thinking about taking their lives. Ye Xiao also had no intention of leaving and, as Ye Lan approached, he raised his hand again.

Ye Lan’s speed surpassed Ye Xiao’s by who knew how much. However, Ye Lan obediently waited to receive his second slap, then knocked him out and carried him over his shoulder.

Ye Xiao didn’t know how Ye Lan escaped from the Second Young Master’s trap while he was unconscious that day.

When he managed to wake up, he saw Ye Lan standing with the moonlight reflected against him, holding a small dagger and scooping out flesh from his own shoulder. He was soaked in blood from head to toe, his Nightrunner’s outfit was already covered with coagulated scabs of blood that had become encrusted into his flesh, so he couldn’t peel it off, and could only remove it along with his skin and flesh a little bit at a time. There was no intact skin anywhere on his body, furthermore, the skin on his clavicles, wrists, and knees was broken to expose the white bone underneath.

Ye Xiao moved lightly, his own shoulder wound had been carefully treated and bandaged, even his clothes had already been changed. However, even though the clothes were new, they looked like a hideous mess with bloody handprints everywhere.

Hearing his movement, Ye Lan turned his face, which was deathly pale from serious bloodloss, to look at him, struggling to smile, and hoarsely saying: “Gui Mao, don’t be afraid, it doesn’t matter anymore.”

Ye Xiao could only feel as a breath bubbled up in his chest and, with nowhere to release it, he pounded his fist into the gravel, painfully pressing against his joints.


He didn’t want to speak a single word to Ye Lan, so he turned around with difficulty and began to leave with his back facing Ye Lan.

Ye Lan didn’t know where he was going, but he also didn’t ask, for so many years he had gotten used to Ye Xiao walking ahead of him and silently following behind. Ye Lan hastily pulled out the dagger from his shoulder, with not enough time to bandage it, and crawled up, staggering behind Ye Xiao as he continued moving forward. His gait was unsteady, and he moved extremely slowly, Ye Xiao heard him fall to the ground and crawl back up several times, but he clenched his teeth and forced himself to not turn his head back to look at him.

He clearly had a hard time walking, but Ye Xiao continued moving without looking back for half the night, although he wasn’t able to throw him off, probably because the two of them found it difficult to move.


Ye Xiao suddenly stopped in his footsteps. Ye Lan thought that he was waiting for him and, with a heart filled with happiness, sped up his pace as he chased after him.

“How long are you going to follow me for?” But Ye Xiao simply spoke coldly, “I don’t want to see you, get lost, do you understand?”

Ye Lan was a little sad, but obediently agreed, disappearing in a flash.

He had simply retreated back into the shadows, just as he used to in the past.

Ye Lan’s injuries were too serious, his breathing heavy and hoarse, so he was unable to seamlessly hide away in the night. Ye Xiao was nauseated by the heavy smell of blood in the cold air, and the sound of gasps of barely-suppressed pain caused his heart to be agitated and his thoughts in turmoil.


Ye Xiao didn’t know where he should go, didn’t know why he should live. He wandered through the mountains and fields, muddleheaded, for a few days, forging ahead through the winter’s heaviest rains. He leaned against a bluestone cliff as he took shelter from the rain, his mind blank, while the figure hiding in between the branches of the trees was buffeted by the strong wind and soaked by the showers of rain until midnight, until finally he was unable to endure it anymore and fell down, collapsing into the ground.

As that person appeared into his field of view, Ye Xiao’s mind exploded, he was at the end of his rope. He seized him by the collar and slammed him against the bluestone, hatefully saying: “I’m already being extremely merciful by not killing you, but you still have the nerve to follow me? What do you want from me?!”

Ye Lan’s wounds had never been treated, and there was already a rotten smell emanating from a large, festering area. These few days he had been tracking him with all of his strength, not eating or drinking food, having only tree leaves and wild fruit to fill his stomach, and had already been tormented to the point of not looking human.

“I know this time I..... made a mistake.....” Ye Lan spoke softly, “But.... I don’t regret it.”

Ye Xiao rigidly clenched his teeth and stared at him, drops of blood falling from his eyes.

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Ye Lan noticed that a small section of Ye Xiao’s clothes had moved, becoming exposed to the outside rain, so he helped him lift it and bring it back underneath the protection of the bluestone, earnestly asking him with a hoarse voice: “If you hate me..... that’s fine.... don’t torture yourself..... alright....?”


Ye Xiao knew he didn’t have long left to live.

Saying that his heart didn’t hurt would be a lie.

Ye Xiao himself was the person that was the most fond of him in the entire world, and now he had lost even Ye Xiao.

No one knew he was almost going crazy thinking about hugging Ye Lan.


What morality, loyalty, conviction, principles? He wished he could send it all to hell. But shame, self-blame, and remorse filled his chest, torturing every inch of his nerves. He didn’t even know who he should hate, what he should hate.

Should I hate that you love me? Hate that the only one you care about in your heart is me? Hate that I saved your vicious life at that time, or hate the friendship I shared with you for the past ten years?


Shadow guards were not allowed to have personal relationships between them, and he always knew this really wasn’t without reason.

It was him who had wielded his own Master’s extreme gentleness against him, personally delivering the best Master under the sun into a dead end.


He would rather have never walked on this road that day. Being able to die under the Second Young Master’s magnanimous hands, and being buried alongside Ye Lan, would have been a blessing.

He had never thought, that living would turn out to be such a painful thing.


His lover lay under the night rain, weak and ice cold, his life gradually fading away like a candle in the wind, and still he was the only person reflected in his eyes. Ye Xiao sensed his body temperature gradually dropping and at last he got up, unable to bear the panic in his heart, and lost control as he embraced him as though he were being possessed.

Ye Xiao buried himself into his neck, muttering in between sobs: “I only hate..... why couldn’t I be the one to go insane?”

Ye Lan didn’t think he would still have an opportunity to be held by him in this life, and he was overwhelmed by this favour, his dim and bleak eyes once again lit up with starlight, and he hazily asked: “Gui Mao..... you.... you forgive me?”

“How could I possibly forgive you? How could I possibly forgive myself for causing Master’s death? .....With how Master treated you these days, how could you just do that? You..... do you really not have a heart?”

Ye Lan raised his head to look at him, there was not a single trace of guilt in his eyes.

Ye Xiao watched him for a long time, only feeling as his chest froze into ice.


He took out a dagger from Ye Lan’s waist, and pressed it against Ye Lan’s chest.

Ye Xiao closed his eyes, and spoke with a trembling voice: “.....We .....we can take this life and return it to Master, then we won’t owe him anything. Then I will.... be able to forgive you, and let myself go.”

“Really?” When Ye Lan heard his words, his heat was happy once more. The short blade had already pierced into his chest, and he lifted his hand to hold onto the knife blade, slashing open the muscles as he changed it’s position half an inch to the right, “It’s a little crooked, this is the right place.”

The position of the heart, he knew it better than anyone. His own was not an exception.

Ye Xiao slowly sunk the dagger in, hearing Ye Lan’s increasingly faint voice ask: “Isn’t this a good thing? Gui Mao.... why..... are you crying.....?”

Ye Xiao didn’t reply, instead, he lowered his head and gently kissed him. Ye Lan’s eyes brightened a little, he slowly lifted the corners of his lips into a smile, speaking next to his ear: “This is really good..... I thought..... you didn’t have me in your heart any more.....”

“How could I?” Ye Xiao tenderly held his hand, placing it over his own chest, “This whole heart has always been yours, if you don’t believe me..... why don’t you dig it out and see?”

He didn’t wait for an answer, pressing his own hand against Ye Lan’s and thrusting the sharp edge of his fingers into his own chest.

Ye Lan’s consciousness had already scattered, and his body acted on instinct as he carefully extracted that warm, beating heart and firmly held it against his chest.


This was the only heart in the world that belonged to him, and no one would be able to take it away any more.

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