Chapter Nine

“What hypocrisy is this? To demand inaction from me in the face of oblivion?”

 

“What?” Ilaki said, blinking at Leshin with blank eyes.

“Your EX?” Leshin cried, gripping her own scalp and twisting her hair.

“Y-yeah?”

“You courted a woman?”

Ilaki scoffed, defensively crossing her arms. “I mean, she wasn’t a woman at the time.”

For a few moments, Leshin just gaped at the girl, her fingers twitching. “Are you fucking with me? Tell me you’re fucking with me.”

“No? She’s—I mean—you can’t tell?”

“Tell what?”

“Well… I don’t want to say it! It feels rude to talk about someone else’s appearance like that,” Ilaki said, crossing her arms. “I assumed you knew; everyone else keeps talking about it behind her back.”

“Ilaki. Cupcake. I have no idea what you’re even talking about. Okay? I’m lost. For the love of God, please just tell me what the fuck is going on.”

“Look, this feels like something she ought to tell you herself. It’s really quite personal, and it doesn’t seem like it’s my place to discuss it.”

Leshin cocked an eyebrow. “I’m more asking about how you of all people ended up courting another woman. I mean, I don’t have any issues with…that, but—you know—it’s illegal. Very, very illegal.”

“Uh—okay. Okay. So, uh, Shina used to be a… man.” Ilaki whispered that last word like it was some unfathomable slur that demanded secrecy and discretion.

“Used to be—how can you ‘used to be’ a man? Or—that doesn’t even make sense. How did she end up being a priestess? Isn’t the whole point that you’re meant to be a woman?”

“No, no, it’s—I mean…” Ilaki groaned, looking up and down the halls. “It’s complicated. But you’re not the only one who ended up here thanks to a grudge. That’s all I’ll say about it.”

“Fair enough.”

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As for me… We were acquaintances when we were children, and when we both turned fifteen, our parents suggested we begin courting. So, we did. And it was actually quite nice. She was sweet. Very affectionate, bubbly, excitable. Nothing like she acts now, but I suppose that’s to be expected. It went well for a year or so, but then she told me how she felt about… who she was. And I suppose I just got a bit… frightened by the whole affair. We had grown to care for each other—perhaps even love each other—and maybe, if things were different with my family, I… might have abided by the change. But I was the eldest.”

Leshin grimaced. “Ah.”

“With the weight of my inheritance—I couldn’t put her through all that. It would’ve meant a schism! My father would never relinquish his filial authority to a woman, meager as it was. It just wouldn’t happen. And even if it did, we’d have been run out into the streets. Nobody would understand. Nobody could.”

“No,” Leshin said. “I—well… I—”

Internally, Leshin’s heart waged war on itself. If Ilaki had meant what she said—meant that she wouldn’t have minded courting a woman, even if that woman had, apparently, somehow been a man at some point—then perhaps Leshin’s own history wouldn’t come as such a shock. But then, Ilaki’s situation was unique. Surely, it didn’t compare. But for some reason, it felt like it did. Why—why couldn’t she just say it?

“I understand,” she said, the words forcing themselves out without her own permission.

Ilaki shot Leshin a skeptical look.

“I—I… I’m, uh—fuck.” Leshin turned around and sped off, but the damn hall just kept on going, and Ilaki had plenty of room to catch up. Why did God have to design this place so horribly?

“What are you saying?” Ilaki said, grabbing Leshin by the wrist. Jerking to a stop, Leshin gritted her teeth, her hands shaking. She refused to turn and regard the girl behind her—she couldn’t.

“Leshin,” Ilaki said. “What are you saying?”

“Y-you know—fuck—you know damn well what I’m saying.”

“W-women?”

Leshin wouldn’t cry. It wasn’t allowed. She tensed her face up, desperate to hold the tears in, avoiding eye contact as if Ilaki could devour her soul with just a look. And yet, she nodded.

“Oh,” Ilaki said. “Oh—I’m so sorry.”

The corner of Leshin’s lips twitched. “Thank you.” With that, she pulled away and stormed down the hall, leaving Ilaki to stammer in place.

 

Boy, I sure do love writing characters who struggle with internalized homophobia. No particular reason why. Totally random creative choice, no personal connection there. But hey! If you'd like to make a personal connection, you could come hang out on my -exclusive Discord!

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