Chapter 1: Finally, some good f*cking food

Gradually, my consciousness wakes back to reality from the land of dreams. It was a weird dream, too, what with all the giant monsters, vehicles, and canonballs the size of 2 story houses that tried to flatten me into a human pancake.

Yawning loudly, I roll on my back and stretch my limbs as if trying to reach for the forbidden fruit in the garden of eden that is JUST out of reach. Ah, that felt good. Laying still now, I imagine myself on a tropical island, the sun's warmth on my skin while lounging with my lower body in the lapping waves as my upper one rests on a raised makeshift backrest made out of sand. Ah, life is good.

'Wake up faggot!' A jarring voice suddenly interrupts my pleasurable fantasies after several seconds, and I feel grumpy.

'Who the fuck are you? This is my mind RETARD, you have no right to be here! Also, I ain't a faggot, I love fanny, thank you very much.' I reply, half annoyed, half angry, as my comfortable hallucination seems to take a hit from the lack of concentration.

'You know who I am. And, if you don't, well, I'll just introduce myself! I am... THE AUTHOR! Also, I ain't retarded, YOU ARE!' As the voice cackles out its self-wanking spiel, I can't help but get the the impression that whoever this being is, is now smirking at me while licking its lips as if staring at an especially delicious-looking piece of meat.

'Uhuh, well I'm just going to kick you out of my mind now, I have better things to do than talk with telepathic asshole nr.whofuckingknows you aren't my first rodeo buddy.' Ending my escapade to the tropics, I will whatever connection this so called 'Author' has to me, be severed. After several minutes of trying to coax out a response with insults of various kinds towards his mother and ancestors, I figured I was successful yet again.

My peaceful mood taking a hit due to the unexpected event, I slowly open my eyes to an off yellow ceiling illuminated by the soft glow of city lights from outside the window. Pushing the blanket aside, I move into a sitting position then swing my legs over the bed's edge and onto the wooden parquet. Feeling around with my feet, I find the familiar texture of indoor slippers and put them on. Standing up, I take a moment to take in the sight of my bedroom, It is somewhat of a shabby and cramped appartment with peeling layers of paint displaying the growing mould beneath.

Leaving the room, I enter the main hallway then head right towards the toilet. After doing the little and big commission, I remove the remaining soap scum off my hands with the flowing water then turn off the faucet. Getting a grip on both sides of the sink, I let some of my weight on it then slowly raise my head towards the mirror to check myself out.

Shaggy brown hair and beard? Checked. Green eyes with differing colouring intensity? Checked. Muscles surrounding my left eye twitching uncontrolably while my right eye opens wider than the other? Checked. Apart from that, I'm quite good looking, just short of being able to be called handsome, I think... Though, opening my mouth I see some slight traces of yellowness, I forgot how many years have passed since I last brushed my teeth. But what can you do? I don't want to ingest rat poison thanks but no thanks. Wincing at how many times I postponed looking up for some natural toothpaste, I half-heartedly slurp up some water from the faucet and hold it in my mouth then glance guiltily at my toothbrush sitting in its usual repurposed container that used to hold cotton swabs.

Holding the toothbrush in my right hand, I can almost hear it shouting expletives at me 'How dare you use me like a rag then toss me aside for YEARS?! Then now you think you can come back?? A Toothbrush's heart is not yours to play with! I refuse to be used by you anymore! Hey, do you hear me?! You cannot use me without my consent, this is RAPE! At least pay me... Hey, you won't even pay me!? This is slaveREEEEEEE-' I cut off the ramblings of this foolish toothbrush for thinking it has any kind of say in the matter, as I insert it in the depths of my mouth.

After several seconds of brushing my teeth with water, I spit the water out, then clean the toothbrush by passing some water over it while running my thumb back and forth through its filaments. Putting the toothbrush back in its original place,  I give myself several double handed slaps to both cheeks until I feel awake enough and leave the bathroom.

Once again in the cramped hallway, I feel peckish. Heading towards the open kitchen to my right that is directly connected to the hallway without a door, I alternate staring between the fridge's refrigerator and freezer while pondering whether I want a full meal or a snack. Settling for a quick bite, I open the refrigerator. Carrots, garlic cloves, pieces of fried bacon, eggs and some bottles of water. I grab 2 pieces of bacon, several pieces of unpeeled garlic and a bottle of water then close the fridge.

Putting everything on the 1-person table, I search through the kitchen for a bowl, a wooden pestle and a knife. I take a seat at the table and start peeling off several pieces of garlic which I then put inside the bowl. I cut both pieces of bacon into tiny pieces then put everything inside the bowl. I get a good grip over the wooden pestle and start crushing the bits of bacon together with the peeled garlic. After several minutes, I smell the delicious scent of crushed garlic intermixed with the meaty scent of fried, greasy bacon. Weaving my hands in a circular motion as to attract more of the scent towards my nose, I can't help but be proud of myself. 'You know what they say, a clove of garlic a day keeps the vampires at bay!' What? This can't possibly taste good? Pff casuals.

Grabbing the bowl with my left hand, I draw the bowl's edge closer to my lips then use the pestle with my other hand in order to push the mush inside my open mouth. The acidic taste of the crushed garlic is only mildly weakened by the meaty taste of bacon. Licking the pestle clean, I put it inside the bowl then put the bowl inside the sink. I use my hands to gather the garlic peels, then throw them into the trash can. Washing my hands with the soap near the sink, I dry my hands on my shirt then open the cold water bottle to take a refreshing drink. gulp, gulp, gulp. Ahh such delicious water totally not spiked with fluoride, heavy water and other such nasties. I give out a burp then put the water bottle back in the fridge.

Feeling satisfied, I once again take a seat, lean back against the cushy backrest, and look out the window. The city's high rise buildings could be seen in the distance, along with a myriad of coloured lights. Taking my eyes off the city's skyline, I instead look closer, downwards, and watch the moving shapes of people on the streets below. Relaxedly gazing at the flow of pedestrians going to and fro, I enter a trance state and let my thoughts still. The night sky, lights and shapes all converge into a swirling vortex of grey and electric blue.

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