Chapter 31: Chapter 30

My emotions rolled within me like an angry tide, waves violently colliding and overflowing in my head and creating a turmoil of incomplete thoughts. 

I ran without consideration of where my feet were taking me, rushing down the halls as my heart thumped erratically in my chest. The urge to glance back and see whether Lena was there following me tickled my mind. Perhaps she was just a little ways behind, trying to catch up. I wasn’t sure which option I’d prefer. I wanted her here beside me, telling me that it was all a mistake somehow. But I also wanted to be alone. 

As I rushed through the broken door of Camilla’s room, having arrived there purely out of habit, I realized that it wouldn’t be difficult to find me, at least. The door to my room swung open as I moved through it, and I slowed, making my way around to the other side of the bed and collapsing alongside it onto the floor. My eyes stared at the ceiling above. The bed would probably do little to hide me, but it made me feel better to have it between me and the door. My beating heart began to calm, and the scattered thoughts swirling in my mind slowly started coming together. 

We were friends, the best of friends. Or I thought we were. Perhaps things really had changed between us. 

I shouldn’t have run away, I realized. It hadn’t exactly been a conscious decision, but it still would have been better had I stayed and spoken with them. At the very least I could have made certain that no one else knew. I bumped my head against the wooden board to my left in frustration. How could she have done this? How hard was it to keep a secret as important as this? I had certainly managed to do it, keeping even the perceptive eyes of the Praevus and Camilla from noticing the truth staring them in the face. My annoyance built up, and I made an indignant face. What kind of friend did that, telling others important and dangerous secrets that could hurt them? Didn't she care anymore? Did she even stop to think about how this would hurt me?

Tears rolled down the side of my face as my eyes gathered too much water to see clearly. The speckled ceiling above became blurred. As though the gathering tears were cooling my temper, my mood dropped back down into a pool of despair. 

Perhaps I wasn’t being entirely fair to her. I was Marked now, one of the cursed. A developing monster in human skin. Lena had to be coming to realize that as well, with my growing horns and the symbol darkening my flesh. One day, I would become a demon in both heart and soul. Having made no progress in finding a ‘cure’, if there even was one, Lena probably felt the need to confide in someone she could trust — someone that clearly wasn’t me. Had our coupling the day before made her realize how much I was changing? Did she even see me as the same person as before? I didn’t feel too different, but I was different from a week ago. A week ago I’d been a simple boy named Felix that spent his time reading fantastical stories. Now, I wasn’t sure if I could even go back to that life, or if it had moved beyond my reach the moment I became Marked. Did Lena see her old childhood friend when she looked at me or had I become something unrecognizable, a person slowly being corrupted by dark magics? Was her assurance that we were friends mere lip service, a hollow attempt to pretend that nothing had changed? 

The creak of a nearby door met my ears as the sound of soft footsteps followed behind it. Several seconds later, my own door shifted and two familiar feet came into view. I held my breath, a large part of me hoping that she wouldn’t find me. 

— — — 

As Pearl rushed away down the halls and out of her sight, Lena called out to her. Despite her best efforts to catch up, Pearl was only slipping further away. She gasped out several breaths of air and admitted quietly to herself that she needed to do a better job of getting back into shape. Rosetta jogged just behind her, annoyingly not even out of breath. The martial training alone just wasn’t cutting it for her stamina. 

Lena shook her head. That didn’t matter right now. She needed to get to Pearl and pray that she would be willing to speak with her. Fortunately, even though her friend was well out of sight by this point, it was obvious where she was headed. As Lena and her maid approached the sorceress’s room, they slowed back to a walk. Lena frowned at the busted door, pausing for a moment to stare at the stripped wall where the door had been clearly forced open. She’d heard there had been an incident earlier this morning, but to think that the sentinels had made such a mess of her house. And she had an annoying suspicion about who would be tasked with hiring someone to get it fixed. It would be typical of her father — having her do the work to get something repaired in the name of learning how to manage the estate but refusing to tell her what happened to cause it to need fixing in the first place. That would be the purview of her future husband, after all. And her mother would just give her a patronizing look of disappointment, telling her to find her own ways of being in the know. 

Lena shoved the distracting thoughts aside as she peeked into the room, her eyes moving towards the door she knew belonged to Pearl. It sat open, which was somewhat of a blessing. It meant she wouldn’t have to bother wondering whether to do the polite thing and knock first. She glanced over at Rosetta. Would it be better to just ask her to leave? It might make things feel a bit less tense if it were just a one-on-one conversation between her and Pearl. 

“Would you mind getting a lunch prepared? For both Pearl and I, I think. Just in case.” Her voice was quiet, as though she were scared that Pearl might hear and think her far too optimistic about how their conversation would fair. 

Rosetta opened her mouth to speak but hesitated, something Lena recognized as the maid musing on how to politely disagree with her. “I’d prefer to stay if that is alright. I know that you would rather do this alone, but I believe she deserves to hear my thoughts and feelings on the matter.”

Lena prepared to argue the matter but paused to think it over instead. Rosetta did have a point. It’ll be better to hear assurances from the girl herself that she wasn’t planning to tell anyone or do anything with the knowledge. 

The ginger-haired girl let out a sigh and relented. “Alright, I suppose we can do this together.”

They moved into the sorceress's room toward Pearl's open door, and Lena’s anxiety began to writhe inside her. This wasn’t at all how this situation was supposed to have gone. She was supposed to have sat with Pearl in a calm and quiet space later today, explaining everything to her about what had happened. Then, after profusely apologizing, they would hopefully have made up afterward. Instead, Pearl found her well before she was ready, during her training of all things. And at that point, Lena couldn’t bring herself to keep the secret any longer. 

So many secrets, so much dishonesty and keeping things to herself. Lena hated herself for it, hated the person she had become. It was probably her mother’s influence. No, she knew it was her mother’s influence, but that didn’t excuse it. She was her own person, not a clone of her mother. 

Rosetta was right, the maid needed to be here for this conversation. It was partly about her, after all. Lena’s request otherwise was just another form of trying to keep people in the dark about things, and it was that very tendency that had gotten her in this mess in the first place. She knew why she had really asked her to leave, and it wasn’t to make things easier for Pearl; that was merely the excuse. Lena wanted to feel in control of things, to make them as simple and tidy as she possibly could. Having both of them here, the two people she cared about most in the world, opened her up to a lot of vulnerability that she was terrified of confronting. But she would have to, for both of them. If she wanted them in her life, she would have to make efforts to change. 

Just before going through the room’s threshold, she looked to Rosetta once more. The maid gave her a nod of reassurance. 

“Pearl?” she queried as she entered.

Pearl wasn’t laying on her bed where Lena had expected her to be, and for a brief moment, she worried that she wasn’t there at all. But no, she’d gone the wrong direction to be leaving the mansion and there weren't many other places nearby to hide. She was probably just hiding somewhere in the room. Leaning down, she peeked under the bed and was rewarded with the sight of her spread out across the floor on the other side. 

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“Hey,” she said with a soft and hesitant tone. “I know you may not want to talk right now, but I — I’d like to if you’re willing.” Her voice came off with more wavering uncertainty than she’d intended. But perhaps that was for the best. It hopefully showed that she was scared and that she cared. 

Pearl sat still for a long moment, continuing to face the ceiling as though she hadn't heard them. But Lena could see the eye peeking her way, considering her words. 

“Alright,” came her quiet voice, the slightly nasally tone making it clear that she’d been crying. 

Lena held back the sigh of relief. At least she was willing to talk. It didn't guarantee things were fixable, but it boded well. She tried to give her a comforting smile as Pearl stood up and trudged over to the other side of the bed. But the melancholic mood permeating the room caused it to fall from her lips. Pearl plopped down onto the quilted covers, and Lena sat beside her, giving her a couple of feet of space. She watched as Pearl pulled up her legs and hugged them. It pulled at her heartstrings, both in the sense of having so terribly upset her best friend and of how cute the girl had begun to look lately. The latter of which Lena was still very much getting used to. 

As they sat, Rosetta stayed standing, seeming comfortable with being several feet to the side and near the wall. Typically, that was fairly normal for the maid, standing out of the way and largely out of mind. Now, with Lena so cognizant of her presence, it felt almost strange. 

Silence grabbed the room once more, and Lena knew she would need to be the one to break it. 

“I’m sorry,” she began, looking down to the hands in her lap. 

“You said that already,” Pearl grumbled as Lena considered how best to continue.

“I know, I know. I just… I’m not sure how to do this.”

The redhead glanced up to Rosetta, who gave her a look as though to say, ‘this is your screw-up, you have to fix it.’ Pearl then turned to look at her, and Lena hoped it was a sign of her being open to what she had to say. When Lena stared back into her hazel-colored eyes, she was momentarily struck by just how feminine Pearl was now. She couldn't help but get lost, briefly wondering how people hadn’t yet noticed her changes. Though she also supposed that was part of the point of the disguise. Still, people would pick up on it eventually, much like they had picked up on the strange tomboyish maid appearing out of nowhere. Rosetta had helped her a lot in spreading the rumor that she’d arrived along with the sorceress, which was fairly easy to accomplish, considering that Camilla had arrived only the day before Pearl became her maid. Pearl, of course, was completely oblivious to it all, something Lena had always found a bit endearing about the girl.

If her friend continued to develop as she had been thus far, however, the small shifts in her appearance were going to add up to the point where they wouldn’t be so easily explained away by differences in outfits and hairstyles or even makeup. People could be unobservant, but they weren’t blind. And then there was the issue of her ‘horns.’ Lena wasn’t sure what they were, but she very much doubted that they were any kind of horn.

Realizing that she'd lost track of her thoughts, Lena admonished herself. She had to stop procrastinating. It was time to fess up and explain everything to her.

“When I told Rosetta that you were Marked yesterday, I hadn’t done it intentionally,” she said and looked to the maid, who simply waited expectantly for her to continue. 

Lena looked down once more to her lap, fidgeting nervously with her fingers. “After you came to my room yesterday, I knew I needed to talk with her, not about your Mark, but about what we did together. Rosetta and I...” This time when she glanced at her, Rosetta gave her a nod, a subtle permission to continue. 

Lena looked back to Pearl, noticing the look of intensity on her face. “Rosetta and I have been intimate for almost two years now. She was how I first realized that I enjoyed the touch of a woman. Before then, I’d begun to think that I wasn’t interested in bedding anyone. I just couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about. She gave me hope that if I kept searching I might eventually find the right man to marry, that I could find someone else I could love. Not that it matters anymore.” Lena sighed, glumly. The anger and fear that followed any thoughts of Silas rolled around within her. You’re getting off-topic again, Lena, she thought to herself. 

“So I had to tell Rosetta what we’d done. It felt wrong not to — I couldn’t hide it from her.” She glanced at Pearl once more. “And then we started speaking about how feminine you were looking recently. She’d told me several days ago about your maid lessons together and admitted her realization about who you were. So when she brought it up during our discussion, I…” Her eyes closed tightly, and her hands gripped around the tan fabric of her dress. “It slipped. I said the word ‘Mark’ without even thinking, as if my mind was convinced that she already knew somehow. Then when I realized my mistake, I prayed to Khar that she wouldn’t notice. I tried to keep talking —to pretend that it didn’t happen— but I’d already paused and drawn attention to it. I could tell the moment she put everything together and realized what it meant.”

Pearl released a long-held breath, and Lena turned back to her, eyes brimming with tears. She stared into the girl’s sad but beautiful eyes. 

“I fucked up,” Lena said, slipping back into how she used to speak several years ago before her mother spanked it all out of her. “I’m sorry.”

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