Chapter 1: It’s in his kiss

Lyrical life

Chapter 1

It's in his kiss / the shoop shoop song - Cher

 

“But how do I know if he means it?” I asked my friend Bekky as we sat on the floor in the corner, we weren’t supposed to talk in the library, but the school librarian knew us as regulars and would leave us alone so long as we didn’t get too noisy.

“He told you three months ago. If he hasn’t kissed you yet then he can’t mean it.” Jenny chipped in and Bekky nodded.

“Yea, he’s gotta kiss you.”

“His parents are stricter than mine though, they’ll kill us if we get caught even holding hands.” I knew I was whining but I was confused and frustrated by everything, not the least of which were my own parents.

“Shame he’s not in our school, we could have invited him over to one of our houses” Jenny said a little wistfully. “Then you could have come over and held hands or anything.”

“Yeah, right, like my parent’s would ever let me come over to yours.” I snorted.

“They shouldn’t treat you like that, it’s got to be against your rights.” Bekky grumped. “Couldn’t you sneak out or something?”

“They’d ground me for the rest of my life. We’re getting off the topic though, am I just supposed to tell him to kiss me or what? You know I’m relying on you, I can’t exactly look any of this up online you know.”

“Why don’t you kiss him?” Jenny asked.

“For god sake, just find a chance to get him alone again and fuck him.” Bekky said coarsely. “My brother said that’s how he got his girlfriend.” I looked at her shocked, I knew her brother was 6 years older than her but it never really occurred to me that siblings would be so open about such things.

“We haven’t even held hands, we can’t go on a date or anything, how do you think I could do… THAT… with him? I just want to know if he really loves me.” I couldn’t even bring myself to use dirty words, so I knew I couldn’t be bold enough to ask the boy who had told me he loved me to do anything like that.

“It’s not that big a deal…” Bekky said offhandedly with a wolfish grin.

“Like you ever have.” Jenny scoffed.

“Yea, how would you know?” Bekky huffed defensively.

“I’m the one that stole that fucking vibrator for you last month, remember?” Jenny hissed her response even quieter than the rest of our conversation. “And I’m the one that taught you to kiss.” She added looking triumphant as Bekky’s face reddened. I knew they had been friends forever, they often asked me to go to the mall with them just to hang out or something but my parents would never let me, always quoting scriptures at me, “Bad associations spoil useful habits” they would say. “You don’t want to be friends with them. They are bad people, you know how god is going to judge them…” I could recite the speech by heart, it had long since lost its meaning. So talking to my friends at school was the best I could do, it’s not like I was going to tell my parents anything they didn’t need to know, especially if it concerned boys.

“What difference will a kiss make?” I interrupted Bekkys mumbled apology. “I mean I’ve kissed Mummy and so on but what’s so different about kissing a boy?” I knew I’d said something wrong as the thoughts tumbled from my lips, I should have just kept quiet and found a way to work it out by myself. My two friends stared at me with almost as much shock as I’d looked at Bekky with earlier.

“Not that kinda kiss you poor fool.” Jenny hissed and Bekky tried to hide her laughter.

“I don’t get it.” I mumbled, embarrassed that I was missing something.

“More like they do in films, not a peck on the cheek like you give your mum.” Jenny tried to show some compassion, but I got the impression that she was laughing at me.

“We don’t have a TV, Daddy says there’s too much filth on TV.” I complained, “I’ve kinda seen it once or twice on ads but aren’t those just, you know, for TV?” Jenny didn’t reply, she just leaned over and mashed her lips to mine taking me by surprise. Her lips were so soft, so pliable and so warm, I was totally surprised and couldn’t think enough to pull away as something brushed my lips a little in the midst of the kiss. When it broke she grinned at me and raised an eyebrow, her face still close to mine.

“Don’t just sit there like a doll, try doing what feels right.” She ordered and moved her lips onto mine again, I responded by kissing back a little, again I felt the brush at my lips and this time I parted them a little. Her tongue shot into my mouth, softly licking my lips, attempting to get mine to wrestle with it, flicking all around. I held my breath until she sat back again, watching me. It took me a moment to realise she had moved back. I opened my eyes and stared at her.

“Well?” She demanded. “Just for show? Just like kissing your granny?” I was stunned, I didn’t know what to say.

“You two lezzies gonna do that again? I was enjoying the show.” A boy from our class commented strolling up to us as I tried to gather my thoughts.

“Shut the fuck up Jason” Jenny snapped, clearly annoyed at him, she hit out at his knee and he feigned pain. “Ignore this asshole.” She instructed me “Why don’t you come over to mine tonight and I’ll tell you how to kiss that guy of yours properly.”

“I can’t.” I whispered.

“Oh yea, your bloody parents, tell them we have a project together for Anderson. They’ll never know it’s a lie, he’s always handing out projects.”

“You inviting me too?” Jason chipped in, “I’m always happy to help with a … Project.” He paused before the last word and I saw a look pass between him and Jenny. I tried to reply but the words didn’t come out properly, I cleared my throat and tried again.

“I can’t, I’ve got to go to a bloody meeting tonight.” The swear word felt deliciously naughty as I said it.

“Shame, maybe I could have helped you too.” Jason smirked. Jenny hit him again as the bell rang. We all gathered our books and stuffed them into our bags as we scrambled to head for class.

“When are you seeing him again?” Jenny asked while we walked down the hall.

“Tomorrow.” I groaned. “I still don’t know what to do though.”

“Kiss him and see how it feels.” Jenny replied, “Seriously, it’s the best thing you can do.”

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“How though? I don’t know how to do what you did.”

“Think about what you want, how you want it to feel and go for it, if he loves you, you’ll work it out. Good luck, tell me how it goes ok?”

I couldn’t concentrate through the rest of the day in school though fortunately none of it was that difficult. When I got home I had to sit and do my homework at the kitchen table like usual as mummy flittered round making dinner, nothing was unusual and I tried hard to make sure that I wasn’t too as I tried to look like I was studying properly. After dinner we had to change into our smart clothes and hurry out to the meeting. As usual the meeting was boring, I pretended to be listening and concentrating but really I was day dreaming about what it would be like to kiss Sam, how I would convince him that it was ok and what his kiss might reveal to me about his confessions of love. My daydreams kind of wandered and near the end of the meeting I suddenly caught myself imagining myself and Sam with our children and how happy we would be together.

I don’t really know why but after all the meetings, there is a time set aside for “fellowship” that we aren’t supposed to try and get out of, sometimes families with little kids can get away with leaving immediately as everyone knows that little kids have to sleep. My parents however think I’m old enough to deal with it so I had to pretend to be sociable and nice with all the other kids as the adults chatted to each other, I just wanted the day to be done so that I would get to see Sam.

Saturday is supposed to be a day of laziness and relaxing from the week but for some reason my parents don’t believe in that kind of thing. Although they say that the bible says god rested on a Saturday after he had created everything, they seem to think that humans have no right to. I had to be up and dressed the same time as I would be if I went to school and then we had to go out preaching in the market. I have to admit I have always been as bored as it possible to be when they are doing that, I just have to stand and be quiet, looking as though I have nothing better to be doing, sometimes we all stand together and sing, other times everyone is spread out and trying to get people attention to make them stop and talk about god, its easy to see from the look on most peoples faces and the way they try to avoid eye contact that they have no desire to be “caught” in one of these conversations.

I’m elated when just before lunch everything is packed up and we are finally on our way to see the Cornells. I’ll finally get to see Sam. All morning I’ve been thinking about what Jenny said and how to ask Sam about kissing, I’ve no idea if he even knows any more about it than I do. I’m nervous and my heart is a bit skippy just at going to see him but I know that I can’t let anything show to my parents or who knows what they would say.

After we had eaten and everything was cleared away, the adults settled down for a chat in the living room, their hot drinks to hand, this was the sign I’d been waiting for, essentially Sam and I were free to go and play as the adult talk was really boring and they didn’t really take any notice of us anyway. We slipped out of the room and made our way up into the tree house his dad had built for him some years ago. It had originally been supposed to house all his toys rather than them being spread all over the house, now the toys mostly stayed piled in boxes in a corner, and old cushions were scattered across the floor so that he had somewhere comfortable to go when he wanted time alone. It also made it more comfortable when I went over, his parents thought it was too dangerous for him to have a girl in his bedroom.

“You wanna watch a film?” Sam asked, indicating the old mini DVD player that was on the floor by the cushions.

“Alright.” I replied as I settled myself on the cushions infront of the DVD player where I knew he would have to sit next to me to be able to see the tiny screen.

“What do you want to watch then?” Sam showed me the DVD’s he’d been allowed to stash out there, they were all childrens films that were probably older than the both of us put together, or religious things made for children by the church. I chose something at random though I’d seen them all about a billion times.

As Sam put the film on and settled close to me I nervously arranged my dress so he wouldn’t sit on it as he had a few times recently when we were watching something. Having the thought of kissing him in my head I was more aware of him than I remembered being before, aware of the heat of his shoulder, his breathing, even his scent. I watched his face from the corner of my eye more than I watched the film, seeing his grey eyes smile even though he didn’t laugh at the funny parts, watching the freckles over his nose and generally watching his reactions.

The film must have been halfway through or so when he suddenly looked at me and without thinking I leant in and kissed him. It was awkward and I banged my nose on his as he moved, our lips barely brushing.

“What was that in aide of?” he demanded in surprise, holding his nose where I had banged it. I was upset that I’d screwed it up and hid my face in my hands as I mumbled out an apology and tried to explain.

“I’m sorry, I messed up, I’m sorry.” I felt like bursting into tears and I knew that my face was red as a tomato, I could feel the heat coming from it on my hands.

“I don’t get it.” He said calmly, trying to comfort me. “What did you mess up?”

“I… I was trying… I mean I was going to… I just wanted to … you know, kiss you.” I managed to mumble out past my hands, my embarrassment growing as he made me explain. Sam was quiet for a long moment that seemed to stretch for too long, I had to peek out between my fingers to see him and try to judge his reaction to my confession. I was so afraid that he would think I was trying something I shouldn’t have or that he would tell our parents or he would hate me or something. He sat there looking shocked though. Finally he reached out and tipped my head up a little so he could look into my eye where I was peeking out at him.

“You could have just said so. Not sure why you would want to kiss me though.” He said with a slight smile.

“You said that you loved me and my friends said that I could know you meant it if we had a kiss.” He seemed to consider this for a while before he replied.

“Ok. Wanna try again?” I looked at him for a long moment then slowly put my hands down and started leaning in to kiss him again. I hesitated as our lips neared, I was more nervous now and afraid I’d mess it up again. As I was mentally wrestling with the thought, Sam lurched forward and closed the distance between us, his head tilted slightly so our noses didn’t bump then his lips were gone again. Our first real kiss had been nothing more than the kind of peck kiss I’d thought it would be, I have to admit I felt a little disappointed and let down after building it up in my head so much.

“Was that what you wanted?” Sam asked, looking at me, I guess I must have been a little more obvious with my thoughts than I thought.

“It was good.” I said quietly, looking down at my hands rather than directly at him. He turned back to the screen and seemed satisfied but I wasn’t interested in the film at all, having gotten this far, I wanted my kiss like I had imagined it. It took me a while to realise that Sam was much more tense than he had been before. The film droned tinnily on, the little speakers on the DVD player not really up to playing the film sound. I saw he was glancing at me out of the corner of his eye from time to time so I gathered my courage and looked straight at him, opening my mouth to say something. He turned to me at the same moment starting to say something too and we laughed at how silly we were.

“You go first.” I took a breath and tried to calm myself before I spoke.

“That was a family kiss, like you give your mum. I kinda was hoping for something more.” I blurted out in a rush, knowing that if I was too subtle he wouldn’t understand.

“I was going to say that I didn’t think it was what you were expecting. I don’t really know how else to kiss you though.”

“More like they do in films, put how you feel into it I guess”

“Ok, you wanna try again?” I just nodded and we both leaned in to try the kiss again. I could tell he was trying but it was another disaster, I think he was trying to copy something from TV so he put his whole mouth over mine and just slobbered his lips over mine like a baby gives a kiss.

“Eww, no.” I squeaked pulling away from him.

“Sorry, I guess I’m just not good at it, I do love you though.” He seemed so unhappy about it I had to think quickly. Jenny had told me to do what feels right but this was a lot more complicated than I had thought.

“Try putting your lips together like you did first time and I’ll try to show you” I ordered. Sam obediently did as I told him and I leant forward to kiss him much like Jenny had done to me in school which now seemed so many months ago. When I sat back Sam stayed where he was for a long time, his eyes closed and his lips still pursed.

When he realised I wasn’t kissing him anymore his eyes flew open and he stared at me.

“Wow.” His voice didn’t seem to work properly when he started talking so he tried again. “that was incredible. Can I learn to do that?” I laughed at his silliness.

“It’s not hard, I can try teaching you.” I said nonchalantly as though it was nothing while inside I was glowing with pride, he thought my kiss was incredible.

“I think it might take some practice though.” He said with a sly grin. “And you might need to show me a few more times before I get the idea.”

“Well my parents are always telling me that practice makes perfect.” I grinned back at him.

On the way home that night, I curled up in the back of the car, pretending to be sleeping while I ran the afternoon through in my brain again. I was happy. The kiss he had given me before we left the tree house had been perfect, it had given me the answer I wanted, he really did love me. I could still remember the press of his lips on mine, the way our lips had moulded together then slid over each other as we parted, I felt like I was walking on clouds when I had gotten inside. Best of all I knew it wasn’t going to be our last kiss at all.

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