Magical Maid Incorporated

Chapter 9: Episode 2, Act 5 – Corpse Date


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Episode 2, Act 5 - Corpse Date

I fidget in my casual clothing-- I wasn't sure if I should be wearing a suit or something more fancy. As far as I could tell, I was blindly stumbling into a date to run clitorference on a corpse. If I were Gisele, I'd be rubbing the space between my brows right about now-- this is easily the silliest thing I've done all year.

I close the linen closet, taking a deep breath, examining myself in the mirror... and see a very unwelcome figure behind me, happily sloshing around in her jar. Kicking her legs? I didn't bother to flip through all of her perceptual states; I was sure the only things I would find were anger and fear.

"I think you were a little harsh on her, Maddie! [Chronicle Spirits] are no different from a ghost, when it comes down to it." She seems pleased with herself, or she wouldn't be starting a fight with me-- not so soon after our last. Better yet, what does she know about the immutability of the soul? She isn't even human.

"Not anymore, no. I'm a Neverlander, through and through..." Malty grins. She knows her choice of words distresses me. "But really, aren't you a Neverlander yourself?" Don't you start with this-- I'll point my brush at you, menacingly.

"It's the Ship of Theseus, really. You were once human, but over time, you've replaced all your parts-- grown them back with magic, added new ones. You don't have your old blood, your old muscles, your old organs, your own skin... you feel the continuation, because at no point did you cease to function." I threw my brush at Malty and watched her fall over.

"Ow! Frick! Be careful where you throw that, KID." Please. You aren't even injured. But if you keep it up, I'm throwing you out a window. "I'm just saying that you are no less Neverlander than she is. At least treat her nicely, okay? She doesn't deserve your anger. She's more or less Nancy, after all..."

=-????-=

Walking past the shattered glass and pink smear on the sidewalk, I wait patiently for my ride to arrive. I can hear Malty groaning, but I don't really care. You need to show your mascots dominance, or they'll walk all over you. "I think I bruised my insides..." You deserve to have your insides bruised. Now, that's enough out of you, jelly smear.

My ride isn't far, but I frown when I see her... Tabitha on a motorbike, riding next to Not-Nancy... also on a motorbike. Tabitha beams, patting the back of her seat. "What do you say?" As clear an invitation as ever.

You know, I think I'll walk? "Rude!" Tabitha laughs, good-natured despite my clear rejection. "We're going halfway across the city! Come on, get on! We've only got a few Scenes before Nancy runs out of faith. It'll be like old times--" You make a good point. Hey, Spirit. Shove over, I'm driving.

"Oh, sure, Madster. You got this better than I do." Nancy shifts back in her seat, knocking the kickstand down and leaning the bike to its side... it would be safer for me to be driving. I don't know how Olivia would handle the bike if she woke up gripping handlebars...

Her power is surprisingly dangerous, isn't it?

"Well, that's because she chose to channel me. She can tap into some of my powers without going full-Nancy." Olivia's body gripped my back, wrapping me in a hug, and Tabitha tossed me a spare helmet... my helmet. She must have taken it from the team lockup. I slip the blue helmet onto my head, checking the radio waves for chatter...

No Malice. We're good to go. "Wait, you seriously would have called off dinner if we spotted Malice?" The Council of Thorns doesn't care about our personal lives, and I'm still on the clock. If Malice pops up, I have to deal with it. "Seriously? But Nancy's only going to be here a little longer..."

"No, it's fine. Madster doesn't think I'm Nancy." The [Chronicle Spirit] clinging to my back speaks through the microphone in my helmet. "She'll come around to it, I just need to give her time." Olivia's arms felt their way up and down my biceps and abdominal muscles as her passenger made nervous and excited sounds.

"Whoa. I never got to touch your body like this before... you'd usually throw me off the bike for trying!" I would probably throw you off the bike right now if you weren't riding in the back of my student... 

"Feeling pretty warm, huh? I can see the hairs on your neck standing on end..." Shut up, Nancy. I'm trying to focus on the road... and keep your hands to yourself, or I'll pull this motorcycle right over!

"Ha, she's probably just flustered. She has the hots for Olivia Mueller." I felt another voice crackle in my ear-- Tabitha. Who gave her a helmet? Just how much had the company prepared her without letting me know? I'd have to have a word with Taylor...

"Oh, come off it, Madeline. They don't have to tell you about every single thing that happens in the company. You've been glaring at everyone who tried to bring you paperwork, anyways. I'm sure everyone is scared they'll find out what happens when Mad Dog Maid gets pissed." I could perceive Tabitha rolling her eyes as she said that. I had to be careful not to actually Perceive her as we went around the bend.

Listen, I don't try to be scary. "Debatable." I don't! I just so happen to give off a... threatening aura. What's it called? 'Resting Bitch Face Syndrome?' "Yeah, they don't give pills for resting bitch face, but you could at least try a therapist. You've gone through a lot."

"Wait-- for real? She hasn't? Madster, you just had a bunch of your friends die. You have to see a therapist." Nancy speaks up, and I try to ignore her. "Don't just ignore me, this is serious. My pet cat died and I had to see a therapist for a year. Best friends dying is some whole other level of messed up and you need to acknowledge that."

I-- I know it's bad, okay? I just haven't gotten time to--

HONK HONK

I swerved hard, back into my lane-- nearly drove into a head-on collision with oncoming traffic. See? This is exactly why we shouldn't be having a heart to heart talk while driving. Or ever.

"You and Livs would have brushed that off, no problem. A car hitting a magical warrior is nothing. But a trainwreck to your life like that is... okay, listen. I know I shouldn't be talking, since it's my fault you're like this?" It's not your fault, I--

"Shut up, Madster! Listen. I know that things aren't the same with me around... but you need to try, okay? At least for Livs' sake? If she loses you... well, actually, I don't know if she can suffer from that particular problem, but it'll still hurt. Okay? If she's really your student, get better at teaching. Or something! I don't know, I'm losing my thread here..."

I try to swallow my tears... I'm driving right now. Driving. I can't think about this. Not now. "But not never, okay? I'll lay off. We've got fish tacos to eat together." Nancy gave me another squeeze, and her touch helped. Everything about this power that Malty gave Olivia was so... so fucked. Ugh. I'm so convinced that it is just another Malty ploy to get in my head, but...

I let this happen. Just this once, I can let this happen.

=-????-=

 

"All Divinities, how long has it been since we've actually had a meal together? It feels like forever in the Realm of Memory." Nancy clapped her menu together, still riding in Olivia's body... 'All Divinities', huh? Being a Neverlander must have rubbed off on you in more ways than one.

"It feels a little weird to say this, but... yeah? I don't really get to do much more than go down memory lane. Revisit all our cool times together-- it's a lot like listening to you tell your stories. The way you meld all of us into your Perspective? Your stories are the best, Madster." Nancy beams at me, and I look away.

"So, what else do you do in the Realm of Memory? I've only heard of the Realm of the Unborn and the Realm of the Unseen before..." Tabitha is probably ordering the shrimp, she's been staring intently at the picture on the menu... hmph. Realms. Terrible places to visit. "You've been to them before?" More times than I can count. Strong Malice build a whole realm around themselves.

"Oh, wow. So we get to travel in this job... point stands, what's the Realm of Memory like?" Tabitha's eyes glitter. If you want to travel so badly, just charter a plane to Belgium or something. You really don't want to visit a Realm, not if you can help it.

"Oh, it's... black and white. You know? Like all the places you remember are there-- the whole city, stretched out in black and white. But when you push too hard on a building, you realize that it's just a facade painted on plywood-- and there are people there too! But mostly Actors. Uh, other Neverlanders." So we both live in a world of cardboard.

"Yeah. But the buildings there are much more fragile." Nancy chuckles. "There's a few real places to visit, too-- like the only cafe in town. They serve you drinks you can remember, and not drinks you can't... which is bad, because my memory stinks." Yeah. Yeah, it does... I let out a sigh. This felt way too real.

"Because it is, Madeline... we're really here." Tabitha reaches out to hold my hand... I shake it off and away, and she doesn't press things further. We put our discussion on hold as someone approaches; it seems to be the waitress! Her jaw drops as recognition flashes through her mind...

"Oh, holy shrimp puffs. It's you! Mad Dog Maid!" I can feel the trembling as she considers asking for an autograph, before settling on trying to treat us like normal people. "And... Demokitty?" She pauses. Fear and confusion pass through her eyes in an instant...

"Sort of! Just a ghost passing through, don't mind me." Nancy waves it off. "Magical Warrior stuff... you mind if we order? We're all ready." The waitress nods repeatedly, trying to feign understanding.

"Y, yes! Of course! You want the..." She pulls out a pen and paper, and stops. "What do you want for drinks tonight, girls?"

"Mimosa. And could I get some shrimp puffs as an appetizer? If they're that holy, I mean." Nancy beams. "Oh, totally get me some fish tacos. With some beans and rice and salsa and chips and sour cream and guac on the side?" That's a lot of 'ands'.

I'll take some draft beer, plus some fries. Also, some ground beef tacos. Seven of them. Uh. Please just treat us like normal people? I'll wait until I see you nod. The waitress nods in understanding, and I feel relaxed.

"A piña colada and... can I get some steak tacos? You do steak here, right? God, it's been so long." Tabitha mutters. "Just the piña colada and the steak tacos for me. Maybe some water-- oh! Add a bowl of shrimp. How could I forget the shrimp?"

"So... one mimosa, a piña colada, shrimp puffs, draft beer, fries, a fish taco platter, a bowl of shrimp, steak tacos and... seven beef tacos. I'll be right out with some water and let the kitchen know!" Thanks. Say hi to Jerry for me. "With pleasure, Mad Dog! I'm-- it's such an honor." The waitress lowers her head and scurries off. Ugh... so much for treating me like normal.

"Can you really expect to be treated like a normal person, Madster? You pretty much define what it means to be a magical warrior. Everyone looks up to you." Nancy shakes her head. "Even in the Realm of Memory, you're a total legend. Only A-listers with telepathy get to try to play your part."

...excuse me, 'play my part'? "Oh. Yeah, no, so-- they put on these shows. Big productions, everyone always working-- apparently, whenever a Neverlander has a flashback, they have to put on a play. I've gotten to participate sometimes-- it's pretty fun." Nancy tries to explain, but I'm just left befuddled.

"Flashback? Like an honest to god flashback, like a TV show?" Tabitha sounds just as incredulous as I am. Which makes sense-- it sounds ridiculous. The waitress from earlier comes back and fills our glasses with ice water, which I sip while I listen.

"Okay, so-- these are the real deal. Plays, where everyone dresses in these... memory suits that look 'close enough' to the person trying to remember them. Apparently, only memory constructs like Actors, Woven and, uh, Chronological Spirits--" [Chronicle Spirits]. "--get to mess around in there-- I've even met Malty once or twice."

...you've met Malty there? I pick up a fork so I can drop it with appropriate levels of gravitas. "Oh yeah. You know, I actually didn't believe you about her, until I actually met her? She's a queen bitch, 1000%. I swear she had me re-evaluating my identity seven times over in a single conversation. Chii never gaslights me like that, you know?"

I'm having trouble keeping up. Why is Malty there? "Because the Woven are troubleshooters or something... well, it isn't just Woven. I've seen Calico, too. But even when the two of them met... they just interacted, they didn't fight or anything. I think I even saw them kissing, once." Why does nobody tell me about this!?

How long has Malty been working with the enemy? I almost got up, right then and there-- but Nancy yoinked me back down. "Hey, wait, I didn't finish. Malty actually had to pry herself away, and she yelled at Calico after that. I think... you know, she didn't like it." Nancy shrugs. "I'm just telling you what I've seen. I don't really know what their deal is, but... even if Malty's awful, she's on our side. She's thwarted the Council of Knots with us. Repeatedly."

That doesn't mean I can trust her. Not one bit. "And I'm not asking you to. I'm just saying, I see them around, and I think that they treat this place as a neutral ground. Woven usually only show up when a Divinity is trying to have a flashback. When they do, they're usually in and out in a few moments."

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...when a Divinity has a flashback? Nancy. We're fucking Divinities. "Uh, ditto Madeline. This seems like kind of important information? I'm glad you're telling us, but you should probably lead with 'Divinities have fabricated plays in their head instead of memories'." Has Malty been fucking with my memories?!

"Uh, hold up, no, it's not like that. Come on, guys." Nancy shakes her hands, trying to calm us down. "I've been in those plays. They happen just like the script says, okay? And, as far as I can tell, the script is usually pretty accurate to how I remember things..." Nancy, what's your birthday? "Ugh... don't you know that?" November Twelfth. You were delivered at 2:53 am.

"...that is scarily down to the minute." I've talked to your mom before. My point being, your memory cannot be trusted... and neither can mine, apparently. I just need-- I need some good news right now, okay?

"Your order is ready!" The waitress chimes in with impeccable timing. I can starve and despair or eat food and despair, and I have a rather strong preference towards one over the other. Beef tacos slide my way, but I wait for the draft beer and down that first... more out of a desperate wish to kill off my remaining brain cells than anything else.

I set down an empty glass, and already feel another glass placed next to it... "Jerry said you normally drink two. He says hi." The waitress gives me a smile, taking my empty glass. Oh. Well... that was...

"Tell him I said thanks..." I reply weakly, my voice shaking.

"Of course! I'll swing by when you girls feel like ordering dessert, or if you need anything else-- just flag me down." She seemed rather chipper.

"Who wouldn't be, when they get to hear your voice? It's such a treat." Tabitha winks at me as I crunch down on a hard-shelled taco... why aren't you freaking out, huh?

"I never really trusted I'd survive the transformation process, let alone with all my memories intact. I only really needed enough of me to continue pursuing you... and, well, I think I'm doing great." Tabitha gave a wide and devious grin. "I've got not one, but two girls on a date with me..."

"Heck yes! Ghost dates for the win!" Nancy cheers and digs into her meal. She doesn't seem particularly bothered... then again, she was interested in Tabitha. I don't know why she never shot her shot... at least not before biting it. She might have saved me some trouble... bastard.

"I might have turned her down, you know? You're not the only person capable of saying 'no' to a cute girl." Tabitha reached over, sneaking a fry from my tray.

"Fuck off..." I mutter at the enthusiastic redhead snacking on her ill-gotten goods.

"I intend to..." Tabitha flashes a V-sign with her fingers and grins. God. You're incorrigible.

"I didn't know you were into me, Nancy." Tabitha turned her head, subtly stealing a shrimp puff from Nancy. I don't know why she didn't eat her own shrimp, they were right there. Tempting me. But if I grabbed one, I know she'd take advantage of it to say something lewd-- oh, god damn it. I can see you pushing it my way, the mirth in your eyes!

"Well, yeah, but I was really baby gay. Like, the most baby gay. The only person who really understood me was Madster, and we really didn't work out." Nancy stuffed a shrimp puff in her mouth as I covered my red face. Oh, god, we did try it, didn't we? "Totally did try it, yup."

Tabitha's eyes seem to churn with delight. She was going to hold this over my head, I knew it... "Tell. Me. Everything."

"Oh my god, haha... okay, so we were still kids, right? And she'd just gotten her mind reading powers..." Nooo... I'm cringing... Nancy, don't do this... "Okay, okay, fine." Nancy backed off, a shit-eating grin plastered all over her face, next to the sour cream and guacamole.

"Awwwh... you're no fun, Madeline! I wanted to hear all about your high school escapades!" Tabitha pouted, like she wasn't there for half of them. She was such a bitch before junior year.

"It was middle school when we met, actually... she tried to be so dashing. She was such a dork." AGH. SHE'S DOING IT ANYWAYS.

"Pwease, pwetty gay giwl in cwass. Show me how to kiss." Nancy let her eyes flutter, and Tabitha started choking on her food through the laughter. I slunk into my seat, face burning. Turns out deep-seated shame could bury any other kind of trauma I was suffering from right now.

"I mean, we were still kids, so we didn't 'do it' or anything... but a few kisses later, she accidentally gets her lip caught in my braces? And she's bleeding. She acts like such a wounded puppy and gets all scared around me." Nancy turns her gaze to me, enjoying my squirming...

I-I was not a coward, for your information! I fought monsters! I... I wasn't scared of kisses! "Sure you weren't..." Tabitha sure didn't believe me with that tone of voice.

"But you two never did it?" Tabitha looked straight at Nancy, trying to get the deets.

"Ew. No. We were like, twelve and thirteen. Respectively. And it turns out we were better off as friends who occasionally kissed than lovers. Way less awkward." Nancy nodded. "Took us a few weeks to figure it out."

"Oh? Is the offer for friends that occasionally kiss still open, Madeline?" Tabitha's eyes were filled with undisguised lust-- I felt a shudder run down my spine. Absolutely, absolutely-the-hell not. The position is filled.

"By your little student? What kinds of drama do you get up with behind closed doors...?" Tabitha reached out and stroked under Nancy-- under Olivia's chin, and Nancy purred in response. I had to resist myself from picking up Tabitha's shrimp bowl and smashing her on the head with it.

Her hand immediately retracted and she held them up in surrender. "Okay, Mad Dog-- jeez." Jeez is right. Now, as punishment, I'm going to take one of these... I plucked a shrimp from the bowl and popped it into my mouth. Ha. I did it.

Nancy burst into laughter, pointing at a very displeased Tabitha... her fingers curled down and her lips pursed together.  "You got tricked badly, Tabby... all Divinities, your face is so funny..."

 

=-????-=

 

We bantered a little longer, but all good times had to come to an end... I could see that Olivia's features were distorting into a frown as our festivities began to wind down. "Looks like I'm out of time, girls... but, it was really fun to catch up and eat tacos with you two again. Really-- I'm going to remember this. I promise."

...I'd almost forgotten, for a moment, that... Nancy wasn't here right now. That we'd gotten her... or her memories, only by the grace of Olivia's power... of Malty's curse. I didn't know what to say.

"You don't need to say anything, Madster, except maybe 'Hey, Livs! Hungry? We got you some leftover fish tacos and dessert!'..." Olivia-- or rather, Nancy, gestured to the spread in front of her. She'd only demolished about three fourths of it... and much of the remainder looked cooled down by now. Sorry, Olivia...

"Eh, she'll be fine... especially if you actually see a therapist." Nancy glared at me. "You can't keep pushing this off. You need to face and process your past. At least, that's what my cat-therapist said..."

"...I'll make sure she gets the care she needs." Tabitha puts her hand on my own... I'm too full, or I'd shake her off. She got to live, just that once. "Really. You just worry about... the Realm of Memory?"

"Yeah. And, you know, maybe I can try looking for Bea? Catch up. Uh. Strength in numbers and all that... we can look into the Council of Thorns. Malty, even." Nancy flexes. "Anyone else you think might have..." Her eyes darted between us.

I really didn't feel like answering that. Thankfully,  Tabitha filled her in. "IM, Hapless and Scull."

"Holy shit. That's the whole team." Nancy's jaw dropped. "What about--"

"Jenna's missing in action." Tabitha shakes her head. "Council of Thorns got her... I haven't seen her since. Madeline's the only one who has, and she won't talk." Bite me. "Gladly? But you should be looking for those three, plus Bea."

"I'll do my best... thanks, guys." Just like that, her additions on Olivia's form turned into particles of life and... dissolved. I'm... my heart doesn't ache.

Dull recognition flashes through Olivia's eyes as she catches up with the rest of us... she looks around the room, mouth opening and closing. "Did Demokitty just take me to a taqueria?"

Don't worry about it so much... I put a hand on Olivia's head, and pet her. Breathing in and out, slowly, to ease the pain in my chest. You did great today... she reacts to my touch, squirming-- confusion evident in her eyes.

"...she didn't eat any meat? Did she?" Olivia whispers, and Tabitha laughs.

"No, she didn't... hey, you have a whole bunch of leftovers! Still hungry? You should dig in." Tabitha tries to hide the pain in her eyes... I catch it, briefly, before she snuffs it out. Replaces it with a false light.

...I hug Olivia tight, and she squeaks, her face flushing a reddish-brown hue. "Did something happen?" She hisses at Tabitha.

"I'd let her hug you for a bit longer... just enjoy the food. She needs it." Hmph. At least Tabitha knows when to back off.

I'm not sure who I'm speaking to. But...

I missed you.

I missed you so much.


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