Chapter 9: Chapter 9: Girl

Jada strummed her guitar lightly for a bit. It was electric, but since it was her magical weapon there was no need for an amp. She gave it a louder strum and a blast of sonic energy came straight for Rory. He raised his staff and created a violet shield to protect himself. The wave crashed into it, causing cracks to appear instantly before it shattered.

“Come on!” Jada cried. “You’re never going to survive in a fight if you can’t hit me back!”

She started doing a more complex riff. A musical staff sprang from the body and darted through the air, snaking its way toward Rory. He ducked underneath, feeling it tear a small cut in his outfit, and charged. A swing of his staff sent out a yellow slash, but Jada simply raised the neck of the guitar straight up and it bounced off of the strings, which started to glow softly.

“I don’t get it!” Jada cried, turning to Thunder for help. “It’s been days now. There’s no reason he shouldn’t be stronger.”

“That’s what I’ve been saying,” Rory added. “There’s no explanation for it.”

They called it a day and went their separate ways. Carina was awfully silent and fidgety as they made the walk home. Once they were in the elevator, Rory hit the button for their floor and waited for the door to close.

“You’re nervous about something,” Rory said. “Do you just want to tell me what it is?”

Carina sighed.

“I do know why you’re so weak, and why you’re not getting stronger.”

“I figured.” He folded his arms. “You said that you were here to help me. Why won’t you tell me the whole truth, Carina?”

“I’m not allowed to,” Carina insisted.

“The bureau told you what was going on when we went to visit them. That’s why I wasn’t allowed in that meeting.” Carina nodded. “But it’s too dangerous for me to know why my own powers, the things keeping me safe, aren’t working right?” She nodded again. “Great. Just great.”

Once they were in his room, he closed the door and asked, “It has something to do with me being a magical boy instead of a magical girl, right?”

“Rory, please don’t pry,” Carina said as she landed on the back of the couch. “I don’t want to have to lie to you.”

“Then just tell me the truth: yes or no, it has to do with me being a boy?”

“Yes, it has something to do with your gender.”

Rory chewed his tongue for a moment before asking, “Is it true, then? Is it because these powers weren’t made for boys?” Carina opened her mouth to answer, but he continued, “No, it can’t be that. You seem to think that I can get stronger, I’m just not for some reason.”

He sat down at his desk to sulk. Carina didn’t offer up any more information. All Rory wanted was for her to trust him, to act like a companion would. They were in this together, weren’t they? She should want him to know the truth.

At least he could complain about this to Zora. She always seemed willing to listen to him. He pulled up their messages and scanned through them a bit.

“But do you hate being seen as unusual or do you hate looking in the mirror and seeing a boy in your outfit?” she’d written.

He’d replied, “Both, I guess.”

A little bit above that: “Sometimes I wish I’d just been born a girl instead.”

From a more recent conversation, Zora had said, “It takes time to figure out what you want in life. If anyone had told me when I was young that I would be a magical girl, I would have gagged and said that it was gross. I’d always been taught that being a girl wasn’t something I was supposed to want for myself.”

“Girls don’t have to be super feminine, though,” he’d written back.

She explained, “It wasn’t that I didn’t like being feminine. I’d been taught that it was better to be masculine and people would like me more. My situation isn’t the most common, I’ll admit, but it took a long time for me to admit to myself that I wanted to be a girl at all, let alone a somewhat feminine one.”

Rory read that last line a few more times before turning back to Carina.

“Did… Did they tell you that I was transgender?” he asked.

Carina didn’t answer. She didn’t turn to look at him. Rory wasn’t sure she’d heard him at all.

“Carina,” he said, standing up and walking over. “The bureau. Did they tell you that I was actually a trans girl?”

She took a deep breath and asked, “What do you want from me, Rory? Do you want me to lie and say no?”

Rory couldn’t move. It felt like the floor had fallen out from under him. That was it, then. All of this was because of some stupid mistake. Somehow, the bureau thought that Rory was really a girl inside.

“Well, they’re wrong,” he said, voice cracking. “I’m not— I can’t be. I’m just a boy. I can’t just be a girl.”

“I wasn’t allowed to say anything in case you reacted badly and started to spiral,” Carina explained, not looking at him. “They thought that if you started denying it, you’d never accept it and unlock your full power.”

“Well I’m denying it alright!” Rory cried, starting to pace the room. “I… I need to be alone for a little while.”

Carina nodded and floated over to the door. She opened it with a snap of her fingers and slipped out of the crack. When it shut, Rory took a deep breath and sat down on the couch.

This was so stupid! Just because he enjoyed being in a dress didn’t mean that he was a girl! How regressive could you get!? Of course the bureau would be that conservative! Or… If they thought he was trans and gave him the job because of that, then they probably weren’t. But how could anyone think that Rory was a girl!?

There was all sorts of evidence that he wasn’t trans. Enough that Rory didn’t feel the need to list any. He was sure that anybody could come up with good reasons why he was cisgender. No point in reiterating what everyone already knew.

He sat down at his laptop and started typing out a message to Zora. It was a lengthy message. It got repetitive at times. Rory just needed to get all of this out of his head. For a while, he sat there staring at his screen, willing Zora to respond.

“Okay,” she replied after a few minutes. “That’s a lot all at once. First off, I need you to focus on taking a few deep breaths, okay?”

He obeyed, though it didn’t do much good.

Zora continued, “Now, let’s think about this a bit. You said you sometimes wished that you’d been born a girl. Did that ever go away? Have you ever questioned your gender before and decided you liked being a boy?”

He didn’t answer right away, but admitted, “No. I’ve never really thought about it too hard.”

“Why not?”

“I… guess I was afraid to.”

“You like wearing dresses and feeling cute and stuff,” she reminded him. “But you hate being seen as a boy who does those things. It’s not because you think that boys can’t, it’s just not the way you see yourself.” Rory didn’t answer. “Do you think you’d be happier if you looked more androgynous, Rory?”

He replied, “I guess so. If I could look actually cute instead of like a boy, I think I’d be a lot happier. But that doesn’t make me a girl! Boys can still want that!”

“I know.”

“There’s no point in discussing any of this,” he said. “I… I should just give up the power. I’m not supposed to have it. I’m not supposed to be a magical boy. They wanted someone who doesn’t exist.”

“Don’t do that,” Zora wrote back quickly. “At least, don’t do that yet. There’s no reason to be hasty. Think about it for a while. Wait at least a few days before seriously considering it. If you give the powers up, you won’t be able to get them back. And you might still want them even if you got them for the wrong reasons.”

Rory nodded to himself before typing, “Yeah, I’ll think about it. Thanks, Zora.”

“No problem, Rory. I’m here if you need to talk about this.”

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When he stood up, Rory’s knees were a little weak. He made his way to the door and placed his hand on the knob. But he didn’t open it. After a moment, Rory returned to his computer.

“Could I really be a girl if I wanted to?” he asked.

“Of course. I didn’t know what the best time to bring this up would be, honestly, but that’s what I did. I was assigned male at birth too and I didn’t like it as much as everyone thought I would.”

A surge of heat rushed to Rory’s face. Ah, of course. That’s why she understood the topic so well. Zora probably thought Rory looked like a total idiot.

“I just… I don’t know what it would even mean,” he admitted. “I just can’t get it out of my head that I wish I’d been born a girl instead.”

“I’m going to let you in on a little secret, Rory: if you want to be a girl, you already are one. And while you can’t just magically get a cisnormative body, you can still get a body that more closely resembles what you want.”

“That sounds like a lot to commit to.”

“You don’t have to commit to it yet,” she assured him. “Just think about it some more.”

“Right. Thanks again.”

“No problem.”

Rory leaned back in his chair and sighed. She was right. He definitely needed to think about this some more. It was a big idea and it would take some time to digest. Better that Rory not do anything hasty.

Before he knew it, Rory was hitting send on a post: “Hey, everyone, I think I might be a trans girl. I haven’t figured out what that means yet, but I just don’t feel super happy being a guy anymore.”

Nothing hasty.

When Rory opened the bedroom door, Carina was leaning up against a picture frame. She perked up to see him and floated over. Neither of them said anything for a moment.

“I… I think the bureau might be right about me,” Rory admitted. “I don’t… I think I like the idea of being a girl instead of a boy.”

Carina visibly relaxed and sighed lightly.

“I’m really glad to hear that, Rory. Now we can start focusing on—”

“Actually, Carina, I think I still need a little bit of time away from you and all this magical defender stuff. Just… one night to let it all sink in and figure out what I’m going to do.”

Carina nodded.

“I’ll just… find somewhere else to go,” she said.

He shook his head and told her, “No, you stay here. I’ll just spend the night at Keaton’s.”

“That sounds like a good idea,” Carina said softly.

Rory stuffed his backpack—the one he didn’t use anymore now that he was homeschooled—with a few clothes and some games. He sent a message to Keaton saying that he was on his way and wanted to stay the night. His parents were in the den when Rory passed, but he didn’t speak to them. There was just too much going on in his head, and it’s not like they would stop him either way.

Keaton invited Rory into his bedroom and they both sat down on the bed. A pause turned into an awkward silence. It was clear that Keaton had seen the post, because he didn’t ask why Rory was there. Nor did he ask where Carina was.

“It’s been a day,” Rory finally said.

“I can imagine. You know, Rory: no matter what happens, I still want to be your friend.”

“I know,” Rory replied, blushing a little. “I just… I don’t want to be alone right now.”

“That’s okay. You can stay here.” Keaton smiled softly. “So, is there like… Do you have a name that you’d prefer for me to use?”

Rory admitted, “I don’t know. This is all so very sudden. I just realized I might not want to be a boy, and then I just… posted it on social media!” He cussed. “Why did I do that!?”

He reached for his phone to delete the post, but Keaton grabbed his arms.

“Rory, no!” he said. “You’re panicking. You’ll regret it if you try to bury this now. It’s not going anywhere and you have to accept it.”

“It’s happening too fast!” Rory whined.

“I know. But you’ll be fine, I promise. I’ve known you for such a long time. You’re a strong… girl… who needs to have a lot more confidence in yourself. You’re a magical girl. You can handle anything that the world throws at you.”

Rory nodded slowly, relaxing a little. Keaton was a really good friend. He’d always been there for Rory, no matter what. In fact, he was really the only person who had been there for Rory before Carina and Marisol. But he still saw Rory as just Rory. Keaton had never let Rory’s fame get to his head.

They were staring right at each other. Rory closed his eyes and leaned forward, expecting to meet Keaton’s lips with his own. When that didn’t happen, he opened his eyes. Keaton has leaned back, eyes wide with surprise.

Rory felt his stomach bottom out.

“I’m sorry,” he said weakly, voice already shaking.

“It’s… okay,” Keaton insisted. “You’re feeling very vulnerable. It’s just… a little early for that.”

Rory nodded, standing up. He grabbed his bag and started walking for the door. Keaton sprang to his feet and grabbed Rory by the arm. Still, Rory didn’t stop moving.

“Rory, no! Don’t run away like this!”

“I… I made a mistake,” Rory said hoarsely, not looking at Keaton. “I need to go.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, I promise,” Keaton said. “I’m not upset at you.”

“Why not!?” Rory demanded, spinning around to face him.

“Because you’re my friend.”

Rory sniffed and wiped a few tears out of his eyes.

“I’ve just ruined everything,” Rory said. “That’s all I’m good for. I’m a failure as a magical girl, I’m a failure as a celebrity, and I’m a failure as a friend.”

Keaton shook his head and insisted, “You’re not a failure at anything. You’re just learning, like we all are. Look, let’s just agree not to think about romance for a while. You’ve got enough on your plate as it is. Alright?”

Rory nodded, sniffling.

“Alright. Let’s just watch TV for a bit before bed.”

Rory followed his lead, but in his heart he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was never going to recover from this.