Chapter 15: Chapter fifteen: A distorted heart

(General POV - Beachside)

"Izuku. What are you doing here?" Aizawa said softly.

Izuku's eyes shivered for a moment, which was an entirely new experience for the teacher. Never once did Izuku act the way he did now, not within the 4 months or so of them hanging out together; No, it was both scary and invigorating.

Aizawa couldn't help but look at the kid perplexed. He'd seen how coolly the boy brushed off training, how easily he would get out of bed to perform exercises of extreme difficulty. Not once did Izuku nag, not once did he feel fear.

But here he was, shaking eyes, running from others again.

Izuku quickly turned his head towards the scene once more, he felt scared.

A sense of peace, almost a perplexing one arrived the moment Aizawa had, but so did the nagging anxiety.

Aizawa didn't stay standing, he wasn't speaking to a stranger after all; With a bend of his knee, he sat next to the boy on the soft yet grained sand, surrounded by fragments of glass here and there. One leg folded in and the the other, his right one, extended.

"It is a beautiful view. I'll admit that much." Shota spoke with a sigh. He gazed at the sun, orange almost reflected in his eyes as it slowly moved to the ocean bed, nanometers at a time.

... The only sounds heard for a while was the splashing of the waves.

Izuku didn't say anything. He didn't turn to see Shota, he didn't move. He just sat down, listened to the waves before closing his eyes for a second.

"How did you find me?" Izuku asked. He made sure that no one would follow him, he covered himself in the crowded streets, changed appearances and disappeared several times over; The fact that Aizawa managed to get here, even past the hundreds of reporters covering UA's entrance when he left was astonishing.

...

The crowds of reporters sure were a nuisance, and yes, they did stop Aizawa from leaving UA easily, but Nezu had many tricks up his paw. Izuku wasn't going to escape easily when his phone was bugged. And Aizawa only had to spend a few minutes of delay before moving directly towards him.

"You've mentioned this place once or twice before, so I thought I'd check for you here. That, and your phone is bugged." He said cheekily, his voice was almost overtaken by the waves of the shore.

Izuku could only sigh. He hadn't expected Shota would remember that at all; Hell, he hadn't expected Nezu would place a tracker on his phone. "Tracelessness" Worked on electronics affecting Izuku, but not when the information gathered was independent of him. Like GPS co-ordinates.

Did that mean that Nezu knew about his escapades? Or the Yakuza?

Thankfully, He never took his phone with him when he went out at night; Izuku wouldn't take a single risk of getting caught for something like that. But the fact his phone is bugged in the first place seemed concerning.

Many times before, Izuku would take breaks in this little branch of the ocean beach. It wasn't all about getting quirks at night, he needed a break from time to time, not out of any particular stress, but because its better to be alone sometimes; Even if it is surrounded by junk, the sounds of shores rising and falling, the noises of silence, like crickets in the middle of the night, and the splashes of water he could hear were a comforting feeling for him.

It made him at peace almost, it was away from all the troubles that Katsuki and UA had, away from the relationship he had with All Might and away from his life. He had been using this place ever since junior high.

It was a place where Izuku Midoriya simply didn't exist. It was just him.

No name.

And at peace.

But now, more than ever, he needed silence. Today took a toll on his mental health much more than he thought was possible.

So, neither  of them spoke; Aizawa didn't disturb Izuku, fully aware he needed space right now.

They sat in silence, in blissful peace as the texture of sand and the salt filled aroma covered their senses, watching the waves, it felt surreal.

They watched as the sun slowly moved, the perfect mixture of orange was the peak of the sky, before it melted into a dark blue tone like the waters bellow. It shifted like a gradient curve.

By the time Izuku spoke, the sun was 1 centimeter lower than before and the sky had become darker; It was beautiful for Izuku, how the rise and fall of the sun could change how the world was seen, how at every night the sun would return as the dark rose from the shadows of the light, its light, how in some way, the sun made the dark and in some way, it was melancholic.

"Why did you find me, Shota? I'm sure Nezu wouldn't mind me leaving UA enough for him to send a teacher." Izuku said, not moving his eyes from the scene. They shook though, they shook in fear at the response he would get.

"Do I need a reason to sit with you? Plus, you're a suicidal kid, you can't just disappear and expect no one to search for you." He said back, comfortable wiping the sand with his fingers, feeling the texture. His scarf was covered in the sand.

"You have classes. You're missing them." Izuku said, dismissing his reasoning. It was late afternoon, but he still did have classes and work to finish up, both of them did.

"I asked Nezu already, he let the both of us have the day off. Someone else can fill my place anyway; Plus, I needed a break too." He shot words back, pushing Midoriya into an unintended and uncomfortable silence.

He knew that there was no other purpose for Shota to be here than to check up on him.

...

The waves splashed, back and forth, now receding the tide only to push it again. Repeatedly. They vibrated almost, like a song, but conflicted aswell, from time to time they would clash and make small, new melodies.

"Let me ask you again. What are you doing here? You left suddenly for no apparent reason. Something wrong?"

"That's two questions."

"I'll take a loan from the bank for a second one then. Answer me." Shota said, expecting some reaction as their conversations had. Laughing, or giggling. They were friends in a way. Those reactions were common between them.

The sound of the waves filled the silence again. One would chuckle or laugh usually at the joke, but.. not today.

Today, Izuku needed to rest. To keep himself in the quiet dark for a bit.

"I come here when I'm tired. Or stressed. It makes me feel better." Izuku said moments later, hesitation barely apparent in his voice.

The tide pushed back only for a few moments, before receding into the ocean again, deeper than the depths of hours prior.

Aizawa hadn't expected this at all, but in some way he was happy at the situation. Izuku never described any 'bad' emotions, nor an uncomfortable reaction to his environment; It was something definitely needed for him. Something that would help him in the longer run.

"... Was it the incident with All Might? Or was it something else?" Shota asked as he looked at the boy, finally both turned to each other as the tide pushed in, ushering waves that almost reached Izuku's toes by a few centimeters. But the water splashed on Aizawa's long legs instead, leaving him helplessly wet.

He could only sigh as Izuku brought his had above the leg and heated his skin. The feeling of a hairdryer on his clothes startled Aizawa.

"Minor heat emission." Izuku spoke to give Aizawa a clear refence of what he was doing.

In a matter of seconds, The water was gone, as the tides repeated their reception once more, only slightly different from before. Aizawa gazed at him with minor sympathy. So much power in the hands of a child, an unstable one at that. It must be hard for him. Though he only showed it for a moment, before turning back to his usual calm self.

Izuku gave no attention to the gazer, even though he knew perfectly well on what the look meant.

"I just wanted to take some time for myself. I need breaks too." Izuku brushed Aizawa off again. To which he spoke.

"You know that wasn't what I meant. You can't keep pushing people away Izuku, it's not healthy what you've been doing to yourself for the last few months. When was the last time you spoke to your mother in person?" He sighed.

Izuku uttered no words, but he knew the answer; 3 and 6 days. It was too long.

The waves faded into the background of the perception as the scenery only became blurred.

The sky changed soon after. It was darker with the smallest flame of orange and yellow left at the horizon, lighting up what remained of the bright sky.

It was the last sign of light left before the clouds lost their reflections of the sun. Lost their glimmering shine and shape, then faded into opaque foams with textures of dust and cotton. They covered the skies little in the morning, but would always find their way here at night.

Izuku couldn't help but feel disappointed in a way; The sun would rise tomorrow, but for now, everything slowly fell into the darkness.

The two sat in the same stance as a picnic breakfast, sand instead of green, calm instead of the laughter's of others like in a family gathering, yet the mood was heavy on them both, each in vastly different ways. Izuku was terrified almost, terrified to let anyone in, terrified he would be left unsaved again if he did, terrified he would loose what was left of himself.

Aizawa, Shota, was terrified the boy would leave him out again, that out of all the pain the kid experienced, he would be left unable to help. Again. It wasn't something that was uncomfortable, he, unlike Yagi, did confront Izuku rather than let him be in silence. But Izuku never let him in, never let anyone close to his heart.

Only barely did he manage to form some type of relationship with the kid, with the smallest benefit of being able to keep him safe and seen at least, but it just wasn't enough.

And unlike Shota, the fears Izuku had wasn't confronted at all since his arrival at UA, barely even comforted since he'd never let anyone at get close to his heart. No, he preferred the quiet silence instead of the warm hands of others.

When he would let them closer emotionally, he'd do his best to stay as far away from them in the real world.

Just like Yagi, his hero. Just like his mother.

Anyone who got tooo close was somehow out of his life soon enough.

But there was a difference between the Shota and Izuku, one that separated them like sand and stone, castles and cliffs; Aizawa was a hero. And as an adult, he wouldn't let his fear blind him from helping Izuku.

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No, he would never act so cowardly in face of the kid's troubles.

If there was ever a chance to get the boy to open up, now was the time; the moment Izuku's eyes met Shota's stern and soft gaze, his shook. They shook in pain, more than fear, they shook because it was no different from hurting his heart. He couldn't run now.

".." It took him a moment, a glance away, before he spoke; His voice shaking long before he said a word.

"I'm scared." He said, as his demeanor was quiet. He looked at the waves again, they were beautifully disturbing. Like a beat of the heart, they gave off the worst emotion he could possibly experience.

A feeling of dread; a quiet feeling that ate at his heart. It was a constant yet silent screaming that tore his mind to shreds as sound by whisper the noise filled the space of terror in his ear; One would rather hear screams than silence, and the silence for Izuku was a reminder to his own agony. 

It ate at his heart. For a long while.

"I've gotten everything I could have ever wanted. I'm in my dream school. I have the greatest quirk possible. I have the greatest staff, a commodity of friends, the greatest mother, the greatest principle. But I feel empty. Why do I feel so fucking empty? I have everything I could ever want, but, it's not enough. Why?"

Aizawa was silent. Izuku grabbed a handful of sand and slowly dripped it away, forming a small pile beneath his arm.

"No matter how many quirks I have, how may people are around me, it's not enough. It doesn't stop the pain, the nightmares. It doesn't stop the feeling of someone creeping behind me, ready to remove my head, nor does it get rid of the constant feeling I'm in danger. "

"Somehow, with everything I could every want.. I feel like I have nothing. Worse,  You've all done so much for me, yet, I can't feel anything at all. I feel numb. A sensation that doesn't leave you no matter how much you have, worse, the more you have, the more the unsatiated you are." He said disappointed.

He was being selfish in a way.

He was indulging in all of their kindness, indulging by using them to better himself, maybe even what he was feeling now was a lie.

Something to trick everyone around him into believing he was a good enough person, that he felt remorse. Maybe he somehow tricked himself; All so they would pity him.

That would be funny.

After all.

What kind of person goes late in the middle of the night to feed his addiction for quirks, to satiate a hole in myself at the cost of others?

What kind of creature hurts as much as he has? What kind of thing would hunt people in the middle of the night, for fun? For entertainment, to drown out the silent screams in his head?

Wasn't he a villain?

No.

He wasn't even human anymore. He felt like he was a machine, numb to everyone, using everyone. 

He didn't deserve this, he couldn't even say if he was even Izuku anymore. If he was even real.

"Somehow, I'm still afraid after all this time. I'm a mons-" He said as Shota wrapped his arms around Izuku's back, pulling him into a hug.

The sudden change startled Izuku.

It made him scared.

Scared he let someone too close, scared that it made himself vulnerable. Scared he was a liar for saying everything he did. Scared his feelings were fake.

If he was the same as that night, he would have died! Again! He let another person close, and now what? What would they say? What would they do?

He thought if he had enough quirks, if he had enough power, he could be happy. He wouldn't get hurt by anyone again.

And he was right!

...

But why? Why is his heart hurting the most now? Why did he even do this?

"Izuku." Shota said in an almost quiet tone. It was almost misheard by the sounds of the waves clashing with his voice, but it still caught Izuku's attention.

The waves slowly receded again, as if in anticipation to what Shota would say.

Worst of all, was the feeling that someone close would be the one to hurt him.

He'd rather have died that night then ever feel that again, like he once did with Katsuki; He'd rather have died hundreds of times over than feel that from Aizawa of all people. He had gotten a friend, even if it was out of pity. He didn't want to loose it.

"I know the pain you're feeling now is difficult, hell, it probably feels like hell. I can't say nor would it get any better easily, but it will get better. What you've gone through, at an incredibly young age has affect you heavily. If there's anything I can say with the utmost certainty, I'll tell you this." He spoke now with a stronger voice

The hug only got tighter from Shota's side. Izuku's eyes widened.

"I am here. We teachers at UA are all here for you. I know it hurts. I know it must be killing you from the inside, but know that you don't have to close yourself off from us. We will help you, Izuku."

Shota said as Izuku's heart shook.

The signature quote All Might never said to Izuku, was now retold to him by an entirely different hero.

The signature catchphrase the the boy never got to hear. It almost made him laugh, if it wasn't for the fact he was breaking apart.

Aizawa said the corny line because he had to for the boy to open up. Izuku's feelings were by no means irrational, rather, they perfectly fit the description of PTSD and the extreme anxiety which originates from it. 

He could only hold a bitter face at the realization, not that UA's staff involved, including Nezu, him and Yagi, didn't except something like this beforehand. 

"You are not fake, or a monster, or anything like that. You're you. Izuku. And we don't ask for anything more."

Izuku's face was blank for a moment, now in the sudden freeze from what he just heard.

No expression at all, not even his shock was revealed by any of his facial muscles. Only his wide eyes demonstrated any emotion.

He didn't know what to do, his heart was aching so much yet, he still didn't know what to do.

He did the only thing he knew of. His façade of a calm collected student, Izuku Midoriya, was now shattered.

He teared up.

---

(UA's entrance - General POV - After sunset)

The reporters stayed until UA closed. Today was the reveal, the 'leak' of All Might being a teacher at UA. In a way, it was expected, which is why Nezu had to dismiss the reporters once UA 'closed'.

He still waited at the gate in the middle of the night for the two to arrive. Aizawa sent a text 10 minutes ago, so now here he is, waiting.

Eventually, Nezu finds them only 40 meters away from UA; The birds are much more useful here.

Aizawa entered the campus with Izuku in his arms, sleeping peacefully. It was his smile that said things went swimmingly! Which is amazing, as perhaps the boy finally opened up.

He couldn't help but show a smile on his face as Aizawa passed him, almost every teacher in UA, mostly those who knew Izuku, knew of his room in case of emergencies, and thus, there would be no issue with Aizawa setting him down.

'I suppose this is what you'd call a win?' Nezu thought as a cheeky grin was placed on his face.

Finally, the night sky came and the stars decided to light it brightly. 

The clouds above UA blocked no image of the moon and glimmering lights as the sky held as much beauty as the sunset.

Soon, the sun would rise again. Another day would start.

...

Now how the hell would Nezu deal with all the reporters?

 

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