Chapter 10: Chapter 10: Noster nostri

Chapter 10:

Noster nostri

Luca knew he had fallen asleep. His fingers moved as he wished, wiggling freely in the strange, confusing dreamscape his fever had created. There was snow on the ground, surrounding Luca’s figure, however even in his thin t-shirt and jogging pants, Luca felt warm. He was so warm, he was dripping in sweat. Every so often, he would lift his hand and wipe the beads of sweat off of his forehead, grimacing. It felt as if his blood was boiling, and his skin was melting.

I just need to wait it out. I’ll wake up soon. Luca hummed, lifting his bare feet as he continued forward, walking in the snow as if he were donning a warm pair of boots. The ground was warm, and the snow collapsed under his feet, brushing against his feet like sand, sticking to the sweaty pads of his feet. The bizarre, unpleasant sensation made a shiver tingle down Luca’s spine.

Lifting his foot, he stepped up a small, steep hill, trailing through the strange substance with each step. The bottom of his jogging pants turned a shade of dark grey, damp with a strange wetness from the white “snow”. It was warm, like sweat, and Luca felt his disgust growing as he finally stopped at the top of the small hill, starting over it like a victorious climber, relieved to see the top.  

The more Luca slid, the heavier the snow became, dragging him down in waves, swallowing his shrinking figure like quicksand. As he attempted to lift himself out of the snow, his calves quickly became engulfed in the sandy snow. As he managed to slow himself down, Luca caught on something and fell forward, his face smacking the ground, quickly becoming drenched in the snow. The strange substance stuck to his cheeks where the sweat had been wiped away, refusing to move even after he wiped his hands on his cheek repeatedly.

The more he fought, the heavier the substance became until his chest became heavy, and it felt as if he could no longer breathe. Luca choked, feeling his lungs fill with the sensation of cotton. He gagged and clawed at his mouth, but the snow only stuck to his fingers and fingernails, weighing him down even more. His breathing grew weak, his muscles losing their strength as his body soon fell still, his eyes clouded in black spots. 

…

Luca’s eyes flew open as he became awake, his breathing erratic as he tried to move. The blurriness in his eyes made him frantic as he blinked, unaware of what was weighing him down as he tried to move out of the bed. As he turned his head to the left, still laying in his bed, he felt the prickly sensation of hair brushing against the soft skin of his chin. When he looked down, he saw Felix’s head nestled into the blanket in front of his chest. Felix’s arms were wrapped around his waist, separated by the blanket, and he was cocooned around Luca like a thick quilt, restricting his movements like an iron chain. 

Luca fought the sensation to kick Felix, angry at the man for scaring him so early in the morning, as he laid back in bed, sighing quietly as he stared at the ceiling. It was still dark, no doubt only a short time until dawn. After the frightening dream, however, Luca knew he would no longer be able to sleep, so he closed his eyes and allowed himself to drift into his thoughts for a moment, his breathing now at a dull calm. 

Those dreams won’t go away like this. Luca thought to himself, feeling the heaviness in his head. Mom doesn’t know I’m still having these night terrors. If she finds out, she’ll send me back to that psychologist. After the poor experiences he had talking to a therapist in childhood, he had no interest in talking to them now. His mom had tried to help the best she could, Luca knew it, however it was of no use, that he would just keep having them.  

As Luca thought to himself, he felt movement from his left, and when he opened his eyes, he was face to face with Felix, who was still bleary from sleep. “Good morning,” he murmured, lessening his heavy hold on Luca. He did not retract his arms just yet.

“Hey, Felix.” Luca’s face was bleak as he said, “You better take those arms back before I cough on you.” He was already full of sweat, uncomfortable from head to toe. With Felix’s weight on top of that, it was as if all the air in him was being squeezed out. It was a familiar embrace, but currently, even that embrace made him uncomfortable. 

Felix, now awake, chuckled as he slowly got up, retracting his arms. “It seems like some habits haven’t changed.” He sat up in the small bed, making room for Luca to sit up as he rubbed his face with his hand, his voice heavy with sleep. “I ended up falling asleep, sorry, Luca.” The tips of his eyes were dark, as if he had been up for some time last night before he had finally fallen asleep. He had most likely watched over Luca for most of the night before he had unconsciously fallen asleep. 

It was Saturday, the weekend. Luca was unsure when Felix would have a day off, but he knew if Felix were to go and play with the children in his current state, Ms. Lowell would scold him and send him back to his room to rest without question. With his own fever, Ms. Lowell would be just as upset with him as well. Unsure of what to do, Luca prepared to sit up and move around Felix to get off the bed, but Felix stopped him with a light pat of his shoulder. 

“You rest here for a while longer. I’m going to let Ms. Lowell know you’re running a fever.” Felix smiled tiredly, rubbing his face with his hand as he said in a sleepy tone, “She’d be more worried if neither of us showed up for breakfast.”

As Felix stood up to go, Luca looked up at Felix with a frown. “Trust me, my fever’s already gone down. I’ll be fine.” Luca wanted to stand up and go, but Felix kept his free hand on Luca’s shoulder, as if holding him back. Luca was surprised by the strength of Felix’s hand, his gentle push managing to push him back down. Luca credited it to his fever, but he still found himself uncomfortable, “It shouldn’t be a problem to go eat breakfast at least.”

“You know your health isn’t great.” Felix frowned, persisting as he said, “Your fever could get worse. Why don’t you rest a little longer?”

Luca sighed, feeling a little annoyed as he hardened his tone, “Felix, like I said, I’m fine.” His eyes narrowed as he added, “While I appreciate your concern, I don’t need it.” Luca sat up, brushing away Felix’s hand with his own as he walked to the door, his cheeks still lightly flushed with a fever as he opened the door, turning his back to Felix as he stepped out of the door frame without another word. His footsteps were heavy, full of frustration.

I guess some things haven’t changed at all. At times like this, Luca could only feel frustrated. Felix could be overbearing at times, often roping Luca into things he did not want to do when they were children. But now, Luca and Felix were adults, and he would not tolerate Felix.

As Luca left the room, Felix stood next to the bed, looking down at the wrinkled bedding where Luca had just slept. 

Is it wrong that I want to protect you, Luca? To keep you close to my heart and never let you go? Felix’s eyes darkened as he slowly sat on the side of the bed, his palm resting where Luca’s body warmth still lingered on the quilt. If you would just listen to me, you wouldn’t become ill, you wouldn’t suffer anymore. I’ll apologise for now. You’ll soon understand I only am doing what’s best for you.

Felix did not move from his spot on the bed, as if he were waiting patiently for Luca’s return and for the other man’s ardent apology, as if he would burst through the door and suddenly understand he had only misunderstood Felix’s goodwill, and that Felix only wanted what was best for him. 

That was only a wish. It would never happen, as much as Felix had rehearsed the idea in his head. 

There was some time before Luca returned to the room, his stomach now full and his mind less drowsy after a full meal. He was not the first to apologise, but Felix made an effort to tell him he was wrong and bossy, and Luca did agree, apologising for his own attitude. 

“I’m sorry, Luca. I overstepped. I just worry about you, that’s all.” Felix explained as he stood up from the bed, his expression downcast like a saddened puppy.

Seeing his friend in such a way, Luca’s heart softened and he walked forward, wrapping his arms around his childhood friend in a tight hug just as he had as a child. “At least you know now, right? I’m sorry if I upset you.” He reached up and patted Felix’s head with one hand, just as he did as a child, though it was different now that he was slightly shorter than Felix, making him seem as if he were petting an oversized dog.

Feeling Luca’s warm palm patting his head, Felix rested his chin on Felix’s shoulder, his eyes staring at the side of Luca’s delicate face, a manipulative smile trailing along his lips. 

While the two did reconcile, there were still some lingering feelings of bitterness that neither of the two could ignore. They could only pass with time.

… 

Saturday passed like a blur, allowing both Luca and Felix some well-needed rest. While Luca wanted to visit and play with the children, he enjoyed spending time with Felix, even if it were just sharing a space together. Most of the time Luca slept in his own bed, leaving Felix to work on his computer. Occasionally, Felix would bring a meal or snack to Luca, making him eat as much as he could before he would fall back asleep, feeling dizzy and drowsy.  

As Saturday passed into Sunday, Luca’s fever broke completely. While he did not feel his best, Luca was adamant he would be able to go home on his own today, quelling the worries of Felix and Ms. Lowell the best he could as he packed his luggage before checking his items for his train ticket, his phone, and other items. They were still packed away in his duffle bag, untouched.

“Are you feeling up to going to service today, Luca?” Felix asked as he and Luca walked to the cafeteria, heading to the cafeteria before the children arrived to prepare for service later that morning. Father Michael had called early in the morning, stating he would be unable to lead service as he apologised to Felix, asking him to lead Sunday’s mass. Felix had no problem leading the program, but Luca found himself a little disappointed he could not see Father Michael this trip.

I guess I’ll have to see him again later.  Luca thought with a sigh.

Luca nursed the shallow dark circles under his eyes as he yawned, pushing his hair back. “I should be okay to go now. I’m still a little tired, but I figured I could catch up on my sleep on the train.” He laughed lightly. “Besides, I want to help as much as I can. Setting up for service isn’t that hard.”

The pair ate a quick breakfast of biscuits and scrambled eggs before they grabbed their jackets and hurried outside to the chapel. The snow was blowing outside, but new flakes failed to fall, chilling the air with the cold wind. Luca pulled up his hood, tightening the strings around his chin as he lowered his head, running ahead of Felix as he stepped through the snow, running like an unsteady child. Watching him run, Felix could not help but chuckle as he followed behind Luca, full of smiles. 

After the door to the chapel was unlocked and the lights turned on, Luca and Felix stepped in, taking off their jackets by the pews near the door and placing them on the backs of the chairs against the wall. The two casually chatted as they arranged the bibles in the pews, making sure the song books and other items were in place and ready for the children to use. 

“Felix, where are the extra song books?” Luca asked, poking his head over the pews.

At the altar, Felix was arranging some papers for mass. He looked down as he responded, “The extras should be in the storage room behind me. The door’s unlocked.”

Hearing Felix’s words, Luca stood up, straightening his bent knees as he walked down the long aisle to the side room behind Felix. The door to the room was old, a room that obviously had not been used much other than for storage in the past decade, if not longer. As he pushed open the door, clouds of dust lifted off of the floor causing Luca to cough as he waved his hand, squinting as he looked through the darkened room. 

It’s so dusty in here. Luca thought with a frown, passing by boxes covered with various blue tarps and other items in the room. As he walked, he brushed his hand against the wall, feeling for a light switch, when he felt something hit the top of his head with a quiet thunk. Fortunately, the object only bounced off of Luca’s forehead, and as he caught the object, he was surprised to find it was a lightbulb. With a sigh, Luca pulled the flimsy metal chain of the light and illuminated the room, allowing him to finally take in his surroundings.

The room was much fuller than Luca initially thought, and the boxes in the room were stacked fairly high, as if they had been carefully placed in the storage room. The strangest part, however, was that the dust in the room had settled on some of the boxes, while others were completely clear. Raising an eyebrow, Luca approached one of the closest boxes. The cardboard box was very ordinary, marked with clear packing tape, but slightly opened at the top, as if someone had recently checked its contents.

The books must be in here. Luca could not help but think, seeing the box was unmarked. They probably packed these away to clean the chapel. While they’re at it, they should really clean this room too… Luca lifted his hand on the top of the box and rested his hand on the top, preparing to grab the loosened top flap to take a peek at the contents. With a little strength, Luca pulled aside a piece of sticky tape sealing half of the lid shut as he began to push the box open.

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“Luca, they’re over here.” Suddenly, without warning, Felix was standing behind Luca, his hand resting on top of Luca’s, the same hand that was still gripping the loose lid of the box. 

Startled, Luca’s eyes widened as he slightly raised his head to look at Felix, who was standing so close, his chest was touching Luca’s back. “You could have said you were coming in here. Christ, you scared the life out of me.” As he spoke the lord’s name in vain, Luca paused, catching himself before he sighed and apologised, shaking his head. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that.”

Looking at Luca’s rare surprised expression, a smile spread across Felix’s lips as he said, “Did I scare you?” His arms were almost wrapped around Luca’s waist, but he reluctantly stepped back, leaving Luca’s tempting embrace as he looked down at the box Luca had almost opened with darkened eyes. “I just wanted to warn you that some of the boxes are filled with tools and other things.” He retracted his gaze as he stared back at Luca with a concerned look. “There are some sharp instruments too. I didn’t want you to hurt yourself.”

“Why are they packed so haphazardly then? What if one of the kids got hurt?” Luca sighed, shaking his head as he moved his hand away from the box entirely, as if he had been burned, “Besides that, why didn’t you say that earlier?” 

Felix scratched the back of his neck with a sheepish expression. “To be honest, I haven’t had much time to clear this room out. I almost forgot about it.”

Luca smiled in response, “Well, next time I visit, I’ll help you organise this room, okay?” Luca looked down at his watch before he said, “Wait a minute, service is going to start soon. Where are those song books again?” His brown eyes moved up again, looking at Felix with the same gentle smile he always had. 

Felix relished that smile as he said, “I’d like that, Luca. Let’s grab that box” With a step to the side, Felix quickly glanced over the boxes before he found another box that was resting to the side, stacked almost to the ceiling. Effortlessly, Felix reached up and grabbed the tallest box, his lower back became slightly exposed as he lifted the box and brought it down for Luca.

As Luca grabbed out a handful of the song books inside, he thought to himself. Felix is so pale. As children, the pair was always running around outside, getting obnoxious farmer tans and sunburns during the summer. Even during the winter, their skin was still a healthy tan shade. Currently, Felix was almost white as paper, like a delicate porcelain doll. Is he ill? He didn’t say anything about being sick though. 

Luca walked out of the storage room with Felix, still lost in his thoughts as he wandered down the pews, placing the last batch of books where they belonged. Just as he finished, Felix announced the children’s arrival, and he and Felix moved to the front of the chapel as the children entered, led by the nuns. 

The children were not terribly loud, but the echoing in the room made it quite difficult to hear anything properly. After he helped Felix organise his paperwork, Luca felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. 

“Felix, I’m going to be right back. I’m getting a call.” Luca smiled as he pointed to his phone in his hand. As swiftly as he waved, he quickly walked to the side of the pews and hurried to one of the smaller side rooms, next to the confessional booth, where he could speak in private.

“Mom?” Luca began, holding the phone as he stood in the middle of the room, a room decorated with classroom materials as an extra bible study classroom. 

There was a short pause on the phone before his mom answered, “Luca, honey, I need you to come home early. I’m heading to the hospital now.”

Luca was stunned, he began to nervously pace around the room as he replied, “What happened? Why are you going to the hospital?”

“I’m in the waiting room now. I think I may have broken my arm.” The closer Luca listened, the more he could hear the background noise in the hospital. 

“Did you drive yourself there?” Luca asked as he stopped, looking out the window at the snowy weather, his expression grim.

His mother laughed, her soreness still dimming her voice, “No, no, I took a taxi. I’m only at St. Mary’s. Doctor Pachwell should be able to have me taken care of in no time, but I’m going to need help while my arm heals.”

Luca sighed, “I’m leaving right now. Let me go grab my things and I will be calling a cab soon.” He paused again before he said, “Take care, mom. I love you.”

“Love you too, sweetie. Have a safe trip.”

He nodded his head, saying his final farewell before he hung up the phone, stepping out through the door as the children began to file into the last of the pews, preparing for Felix’s service. Luca was too concerned to worry about the service, so we grabbed his jacket and quickly walked out the door as he hastily put it on, his face full of worry. 

Unaware of his gaze, Felix stood to the right hand side of the chapel, speaking to one of the nuns as his gaze fell on a retreating figure. The man was tall, his black hair sprayed across his head as he hastily zipped his jacket, stepping out the door without a single look back towards him.

There was no goodbye, no farewell, just another departure, leaving without a single word. 

The nun stepped away after Felix answered her question, but Felix clenched his right fist at his side, restraining his anger as he let out a small laugh, his eyes darkened as he walked back to the front of the chapel, holding a small booklet in his left hand. 

Leaving without telling me again, Luca. That just won’t do. A smile radiated from Felix’s lips as he waved to the children. I’ll let you today, but next time, you won’t leave my side like that. Not again. Holding the booklet, he began to lead service, his mind full of Luca’s departure.

…

Sitting on the train, Felix looked out the window, his bag in his lap as he rested his hand under his chin, looking deep in thought. He grabbed his phone from his pocket and tapped the broken screen, his fingers trailing the familiar cracks of the glass as he stared at the empty screen. 

It’s already been an hour. Felix must still be busy. I wish I could have said goodbye to everyone properly. He was able to tell Heidi, who was watching the desk that morning, that he was off, but unfortunately Ms. Lowell and Felix were leading the service, and stopping to tell them he was leaving would have been disruptive. Besides that, his mom needed him, and he had to go back. I’ll have to apologise to him later. 

There was a very poor signal on the train anyway. Luca would be lucky to receive even one spotty message. Sitting like this, he could only play the offline games on his phone, tapping away mindlessly at the screen as he moved the figure, his distracted mind causing him to lose the game over and over after only a few short rounds. As the message “do you want to play again?” flashed on the screen, Luca mindlessly closed the app and looked out the glass, staring at the blurry surroundings as he thought of his mother, wondering how severe her injuries were, how long it would take her to heal, and what assistance she would need during that time. 

As it became later and later, Luca finally landed at the train station and called a cab, waving it down hastily as his duffle bag swung around his shoulder. He jumped into the taxi and hastily listed off the address of the hospital, requesting the driver to hurry as much as they could in the snowy weather.

Hopefully mom’s okay. Luca thought with a sigh, thinking about her broken arm.

…

“Luca, you’re finally here!” A short, dark-haired woman stood up, her tanned skin looking somewhat ashy under the white lights of the hospital lobby. On her arm was a carefully bandaged cast, carefully wrapping up her left arm and making it immobile. 

“Mom.” Luca said with a relieved sigh, his duffle bag strung around his back as he lifted his arms and gently hugged his mother, taking extra care not to bump her arm. “I already have a taxi waiting outside. Have you completed all of your paperwork? Do you need to stay any longer?”

Luca’s mother waved her right arm and said with a smile, “I’ve already been discharged, but they wanted to make sure I wasn’t returning on my own, so they made me wait in the lobby for you. Now that you’re here, let’s go back home, honey.” She patted Luca’s cheek with a light, loving tap, her gaze full of tenderness. 

The pair left the hospital and walked to the waiting taxi. Luca carefully opened the door and let his mother in before he sat down beside her, requesting the address as he closed the door, cutting off the chill in the air. The taxi began to drive down the busy road, exiting the hospital parking lot as Luca spoke to his mother about the going-ons of the orphanage, a bright smile on his face.  

“I’m glad you’re back, Luca.” She smiled, patting his arm with her hand, her face losing the tension it held before. Her wrinkled face was full of smiles. “I prepared a special dinner for you to come home to. I even made some special German chocolate cake, your favourite.”

Luca smiled, “Thank you, mom. I’m looking forward to it.”

He never had the heart to tell her German chocolate cake was never his favourite, but someone else’s, someone he had always been reminded of since returning home. 

…

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Due to a sudden new business venture, I will be placing Misted Winds on hiatus starting this chapter! I appreciate all of the feedback y'all have sent me, and I will be working hard to continue this novel when I am better able to write it with consistent, high quality for you all to enjoy!

Thank you all again, and see you hopefully in the near future~~!

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