Chapter 48: Ch. 47 – Rat City Business

As Nia had promised, they entered the sewers through a grate outside. Each of the party members filed down the ladder, one after the other, as if they were obedient school children on a field trip. The grates were embossed with the King’s emblem, and a very clear direction was plastered into the front.

PROPERTY OF THE KING

DO NOT ENTER UNLESS ALLOWED

* ESPECIALLY FOR CRIMINAL PURPOSES

Momo had wondered if their obvious criminal activity would attract attention, but it did not. True to their nature, most of the birdly citizens minded their birdly business. Only the vultures proved curious, squatting outside the grate to wait and see if any of them fell to their death.

“What would they do if we did fall and die?” Momo asked Radu, her stomach turning.

“Eat our remains.”

“What?”

“Kidding,” he grinned. “They’d probably just try and sell our corpses on the underground market for some extra coin. You’d be safe, though,” Radu looked her small frame up and down, “not much for them to sell.”

Momo glared at him.

“I’m sure I’d be worth something.”

“A hundred coins, maybe,” Radu shrugged.

“At least two hundred,” she huffed. “I’ve been working out more.”

She couldn’t believe she was arguing about how much she’d go for on the bird black-market, but here she was. This was one ego battle she wouldn’t let go of.

“Well, better not to find out, eh?” Radu said, abruptly ending the argument. It was his turn on the grate. He sidled down the ladder with ease, and gave her a wink before going out of view. The ladder was long, and the depths were dark.

It was not the kind of cozy hole Momo was used to curling up into.

She swallowed. She was the only one left.

“Good day,” one of the vultures greeted Momo as she lined up for her turn. He wore overalls and spectacles. He didn’t look the part of a corpse-seller.

“Good day,” Momo greeted in return. “Can I ask what you’re doing by this grate?”

“Oh, just watching,” he squawked.

“Nothing else?”

“Is it a crime to watch people commit crimes these days?” he frowned. “If you are worried about me selling your corpse, you can worry elsewhere. I’m retired.”

Momo laughed nervously.

“That’s nice to hear,” she said, and swallowed. She had to stop dallying and face the ladder.

“Oh, don’t worry about your little human head. It’s a pretty painless drop,” the vulture comforted. “I never hear any of their screams.”

“Oh, great.”

—

Big Rat’s Sewer System somehow smelled better than the city above it.

Once she was a safe distance from the ground, she jumped, collapsing into a lump. Her legs were wobbling, weak at the knees. She had spent every ounce of strength on the strenuous climb.

“Why are the sewer systems so far underground,” she groaned. “This does not seem convenient.”

“Because rats are notoriously bad at climbing ladders.”

Momo looked up to find Radu standing above her, a hand reached out.

“I don’t like how often we find ourselves in this position,” Momo muttered.

“It’s not my fault you love to be a lump on the ground.”

“I really do,” she confessed, and then took his hand, getting dragged upwards.

The rest of the party were a few steps ahead, already venturing forth through the well-lit tunnels. It smelled pleasantly, like cheese and jam. The piping ran through the walls, and the paths below it were well-manicured. An array of torches lit the path ahead.

They walked for several minutes before they were met by a large door. A skeleton was sitting in front of it, holding what looked like a takeout pizza box. It was covered in dust and cobwebs, a great departure from the rest of the cleanly aesthetic.

“Did someone die here delivering the rats pizza?” Momo said, nervous. She inched towards it, reading the writing on the side of the box.

ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK

(UNLESS YOU ARE DELIVERING

CHEESE, THEN PLEASE KNOCK

THRICE)

Nia wordlessly rapped three times on the door. She had obviously been here before, completely unaffected by the skeletal warning sign. In response to the knocks, the creaky doors yawned open slowly, revealing another large corridor, stuffed to the brink with…

Crackers.

Just hundreds of crackers. They were oversized, and delicious looking. They smelled fresh, maybe even lightly salted. Momo salivated at the sight of them, immediately walking up to them and taking one by the hand. It’s not like the rats would miss a single cracker…

“Stop, thief!”

A voice as large as life boomed through the corridor, and Momo froze in place.

“Gods, you just had to touch something…” Radu groaned.

Another door flew open, and a giant shadow painted the wall. Compared to the other corridors, this one was rather unlit – probably to serve as a menacing warning to intruders. Loud steps boomed into the room, crackers crumbling underneath feet.

Momo’s heart pounded as she watched the shadow grow on the wall. It was rodent-shaped, and reared up on its hind legs. Two enormous pointed teeth poked out of its snout. Momo screamed, fumbling backwards.

“Please don’t eat me,” she begged. “I am 50% part rat, myself, you know. It’d be like cannibalism.”

A tongue licked its shadowy jowls. It was ready to pounce.

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“How dare you trespass into my kingdom unannounced,” the shadow growled, “knocking over my things, claiming falsely to be my brethren…”

The figure drew closer, and the shadow only grew along the wall, tripling in size. The rodent in Momo’s chest was running faster than it ever had – nearly hitting a wheel-spinning personal record.

“Oh, Fromage, cut the act. It’s only me,” Nia said, rolling her eyes.

The shadow paused. It sniffed the air.

“Nia Nightsbane? Is that you?”

Into the light, the giant rat emerged. He was nearly double Momo’s height, and wore a top hat, a suit, and a bowtie. He looked like he had jumped out of a rodent-only rendition of Pride and Prejudice.

“I’m so sorry, sir,” Momo bowed. “I really did not mean to knock over your cracker.”

“Nia, is this little cracker-stealer with you? Should I believe a word out of her mouth?”

“I can vouch for her, yes,” Nia said. “She is not the cracker-stealing type.”

The rat looked at her, as if to discern this himself. After he had finished his analysis, he harrumphed, and turned his snout up to the ceiling.

“I agree, she is not plump enough to be a frequent cracker-thief. Either that, or she’s a very lousy one,” Fromage said judgmentally, and then flicked one of his paws in the air. “Rudolph, please make Nia’s party feel welcome. Set the table and put out the good bread and cheese.”

The previously unseen rodent at his side scurried away obediently.

—

Fromage ushered Momo and the rest of them to a large wooden table. It was decorated with tiny statues made of cheese, many resembling the Big Rat himself. Momo eyed one in awe. It was nearly the same golden color as Valerica’s own baubles. She’d probably love to add this to her collection.

“Don’t get any ideas,” Fromage huffed, following her gaze. “My finest [Cheese Smith] made those. They are not for sale, especially to the likes of you.”

“I was merely admiring, sir,” Momo said, bowing again. Her back was starting to hurt from the amount of apology-bows she was giving to the giant rat.

“Admiring is allowed,” he hummed. “If you behave, I might even let you touch it.”

Momo wanted to ask if they ever ate their statues, but she didn’t want to get into more trouble than she already was. They just looked like they’d pair deliciously with jam, or a cracker…

She shook her head. She was among distinguished rats, so she’d have to be on her best behavior. Not to mention that she had to model good behavior for little Biscuit. These could be his role models.

Fromage sat down at the head of the table, on a throne made of cheese. Another work of the [Cheese Smith], Momo deduced. It was a masterpiece, a fine work of cheddar and gouda. She wondered if she could hire him for the Dawn.

A rat dressed in an apron came out of the shadows, carrying a large steel platter. On top of the platter were at least ten large cheese wheels, stacked on top of each other like a leaning Tower of Cheesa.

Momo grinned at her own joke.

“What are you smiling about?” Radu nudged her.

“Nothing,” she nodded, stifling down the grin. She straightened her back, flattening her shoulders. She had to appear regal.

“You look like you’re about to pass out from concentration,” Radu added, noting her change in posture.

“Shut it.”

The aproned rat set down the platter expertly, not a single cheese wheel trembling. Another server came up on the other side, setting down forks, knives, plates, and placemats.

Momo nearly shed a tear – a plate. These really were the most civilized people in the region.

“Bon Appetit,” Fromage said happily, taking a fork and knife in his paws.

He then descended on the cheese wheel stack, taking at least four of them in his mouth at once. It was one of the most impressive feats of eating Momo had ever seen. The rat swallowed the cheese wheels within seconds, the entire stack gone in a minute.

Patting his stomach, he set down the fork and knife next to him politely. The cutlery had never touched the food.

Once Fromage had finished digesting, the bread and cheese was served. It was a modest showing of three baguettes and a variety of sliced cheese, spread out over several platters.

“Are we also supposed to eat everything with our mouths while holding up the cutlery?” Momo whispered to Radu, not wanting to be impolite.

“Well, that would be the most polite way to do things, yes,” he nodded. “But you’re a human, so they will tolerate a modicum of rudeness.”

Momo sighed. She’d just have to try her best.

She used her hands to grab a piece of bread and cheese off the platter, watching Fromage’s gaze. It was pinned to her, narrow eyes watching for another misstep.

The food on her plate, she grabbed the cutlery.

“Wrong fork hand,” Fromage corrected, waving his paw. “The fork goes in the left paw.”

“But I don’t have paws,” Momo mumbled.

“We all have to work within our limitations.”

She quickly traded the utensils. Fork in the left paw – er, hand – and knife in the right. He nodded, giving her permission to continue the intricate eating ritual.

She risked a glance towards Nia. Naturally, the thief had the whole thing figured out. She made rat-style eating look graceful. She used the back of her hand to transport the bread to her mouth, while the utensil remained. It was a delicate balancing act.

Momo steeled herself, looking down at her plate. She’d have to put her new dexterity points to good use. [Corrupted Druid] was supposed to be an agile, nimble, non-clumsy class. If she could hop through the woods with ease, summon giant birds, and blow up mage towers, she could balance cheese on her hand too. She was sure of it.

Using one hand to nudge the bread onto the back of another, she lifted the sliced baguette carefully upwards. It wobbled slightly, and Fromage opened his jowls to comment.

“Proper form is important – ” he began, but the bread stilled.

Fromage frowned, and Momo internally cheered. She had won.

She bit into the bread, but her bite wasn’t hard enough, and the sliced baguette went into freefall towards her plate. It landed with a slight plop, and Fromage grinned, showing off his pearly white teeth.

“A valiant effort,” he said, and seemed to genuinely mean it. “It is always hard for a human to acclimate at first to our fine cultural standards, even Nia was a fork-eater at first. Now look at her, a proper rodent.”

Nia barely looked up, dabbing her mouth with a napkin. She had downed an entire baguette flawlessly.

“I promise to practice,” Momo nodded. “I’ll get there eventually.”

“I’m sure you will, cracker-thief,” he said, turning the accusation into an affectionate nickname. “Now, let’s talk business.”

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