Chapter 1: Chapter 1: From Flippin’ Burgers to Gankin’ Goblins

I’ve said it before, and I’ll always stand by it for as long as I live: flipping burgers is honestly an underrated career choice.

I was looking slick in my new managerial uniform, and I couldn’t help but grin ear-to-ear that at twenty-five years old I was already a shift manager at the local Mickey D’s. Most of my friends were taking on so-called “high-paying” jobs that would barely allow them to stave off their student loans. Meanwhile, I was making fifty grand a year now and had just moved into a new two-bedroom apartment a block away from work, with no student loans to speak of. And, yeah, that's the real salary for a full-time manager at McDonald's. Look it up.

“Shorty, bring out a new box of ten-to-ones,” I said, using the store term for frozen beef patties that weighed one tenth of a pound. “We gotta be ready for the lunch rush, people!”

My team adored me. Or at least I liked to imagine that they did. I was certainly younger, nicer, and fitter than most bosses they’d have in their lives, so I hoped for their sakes they appreciated me while they had me. Shorty was less than grateful—maybe because I called him Shorty, but in my defense, he was really tall, and ironic nicknames are in.

“Mr. Drake!” Caitlin ran up to me through the narrow aisle, having come in through the back entrance available only to crew members. She was a freckle-faced freshman in university, brand new to the gig.

“Call me Bucky, please,” I insisted for the third time that morning. It was her first day, and she was nervous, but also surprisingly vocal about all her questions and misgivings, which was a good sign. She would learn fast.

She made a face that showed she didn’t feel comfortable calling me by my first name, so she just pressed on with her inquiry. “I finished taking out the trash to the compactor. I forgot how to turn it on, though. Can you help me?”

“Tom!” I shouted to a buff Hispanic kid with thick-framed glasses and a tribal tattoo on his neck. He wore the uniform well, but he didn’t really give a shit about the job. I could understand that. It was just extra money to him, but truth be told, I'd caught him slacking off in the breakroom one too many times to say I 'liked' him all that much.

Tom perked up at me. “Yeah, Drake, sup?”

“I’m taking the new girl to the dumpster. Text me if anything happens while I’m gone.”

“You got it.” He saluted me in that effortless way that cool people do when they're acting cool. Screw that guy, I thought to myself. Screw him and his badass tattoos and stylish glasses.

We walked outside through the front doors, and I took a key off my keyring and handed it to Caitlin. I smiled warmly when I saw Caitlin's mortified face, trying to assuage her nerves. “So, you forgot to grab the key, which I’m willing to bet is where your problem begins and ends.”

She giggled awkwardly. “There’s a key?”

“Yeah, I've got the master, but there’s a spare in the break room hanging above the TV. Remember?”

She blushed and nodded. “Oh, right. Sorry Mr. Drake.”

I couldn't restrain a sigh. We paced over to the area containing the dumpster, surrounded by forest green chain-link fencing. “Please, everyone calls me Bucky or just Drake. I’m trying to be the chill boss here.”

She nodded, and her nervous expression finally broke into a cool smile. “Sorry. First day jitters.”

“You’ll be fine,” I assured her. “All we've got to do is open up this fence and that's not much of a task at all.” With a few deft movements of the wrist, the lock came unlatched, and it popped off the fence. I pocketed it, turned back to Caitlin, and smiled.

She nodded, and we walked in together. “So where does the other key go?” she asked.

“Right,” I began again. “This is the tricky bit. Underneath the lip of the compactor here, on the right side, there’s a part that juts out underneath, just out of sight. Put your hand there. Feel it?” I asked.

“Oh, yeah.”

“Keyhole’s there. Here you go,” I said, handing her the key, dangling it in front of her freckly face.

“You totally explained all this to me before,” she said, "on training day." Her face reddened at the familiarity of my words as she snatched the key from me.

“That’s fine. Some people learn by seeing and doing much better than by hearing. I’m one of those people myself. I absolutely hate listening to long explanations. Kills me a bit inside. Just point me at the problem and let me figure it out, you know?” I said.

She chuckled and turned the key in the slot, and the machine got to work, crushing the overflowing garbage bags inside. A bit of goop squirted out of the trash bags and we had to dodge out of the way. I laughed. She didn’t.

“That’s so freakin' nasty,” she groaned.

“You’ll get used to it,” I promised. “The thing you never really get used to is smelling like fries and burgers all the time. You’re going to want to double your daily shower regimen,” I chuckled. Her face twisted in disgust. I laughed at the expression. “Don’t worry, you’re too small to carry boxes easily and you've got a friendly face, so I’m sure we’ll keep you on till most of the time. You’ll stink less than I do.”

We made our way back to the restaurant, falling into polite conversation. I learned she was an anthropology major. I nodded politely, knowing full well that she wasn't going anywhere interesting with that degree.

When we walked through the doors, it was clear everything had been going just fine in my absence. The lunch rush hadn’t yet hit us, but there was one oddity I hadn’t anticipated.

A beautiful pale-skinned young woman with wavy blonde shoulder length hair was sitting atop a table with her legs crossed. She was wearing a black trenchcoat that seemed to be hiding something that bulged in a narrow line running down her lower back. She also wore an oversized beret, a most unflattering look for an otherwise perfectly gorgeous girl. Even stranger, she had no purse or bags visible on her person, and the moment I walked in the door, her eyes met mine. Her gaze went wide, like she’d just spotted a celebrity or something. I wasn’t a bad looking dude—I did my bodyweight exercises and forty-minute run like a good boy each and every day—but I was no Brad Pitt.

I flashed a winsome smile at her and went back behind the counter—or tried to. But before I could, I felt her hand grab me by the shoulder and turn me around to face her.

“Excuse me, ma’am, can I help you?” I asked, suddenly a bit uncomfortable at the forceful gesture.

“You offer it freely? Yes, you can help me! Come with me,” she said, turning around and walking out the door.

I turned to Tom and Caitlin and saw that they looked just as confused as I felt. Tom was openly amused by the strange exchange, I could tell, from his sneering lips.

“I guess I’ll follow her. Maybe car trouble?” I guessed, shrugging.

“Go get some, Bucky,” he winked, shooting me the guns.

“Inappropriate,” I said, pointing at him, forcing myself not to laugh. “Don’t corrupt the new girl.”

“Show her the meaning of customer service, Mr. Drake!” Caitlin giggled, hand over her mouth.

“Not you, too,” I moaned as I walked out the door.

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When I got outside, the woman was already waiting for me in the parking lot, though I didn’t see any car that might have been hers. She was just standing right in the middle of the damn lot like she owned it.

“No time to delay! We must go now,” she said, her hands performing a furious series of gestures that reminded me of some Naruto bullshit.

“Go where? I’m afraid I can’t leave the store unattended on my shift, ma’am,” I said, suddenly even more confused than I was before.

“I am an emissary of Lusteria, and I have traversed many worlds in search of you, hero.”

I turned around and walked toward the door, deciding to 'nope' out of this encounter altogether. She dashed at me, and her hand was gripping my shoulder again, her nails sinking into my skin. This time there was a look of desperation on her face. “Ma’am I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Lunch rush will start soon, and I don’t have time for games.”

“This is no game,” she said, her eyes frantic and panicked. “You cannot walk away from me. I have sought you for ages!”

“Ma’am, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I am genuinely concerned that you may be suffering from some kind of delusion,” I said. I grabbed her wrist and looked at her hand--dainty, small, beautiful... but were those claws?

She took her hand back and extended it behind her, finishing another series of odd gestures, and a purple rip in time and space appeared in front of me—a swirling, violet portal that roared with a noise that sounded like a screaming whale as it tried to pull us in.

“Get in the portal!” she shouted.

“Okay, so you’re not crazy,” I conceded. “But this situation is fucking insane. What the hell is going on?”

“You’re one of the six Apex Heroes foretold of Lusteria! An Apex Hero! I sought you across many worlds across hundreds of years. We cannot save the world without you! Please, you must come!”

“No thanks,” I said, steppin backwards. “I like my life. It’s quiet and easy. I've got reasonable benefits.”

“But you will be given incredible powers! Women will lust after you, what few men there are in Lusteria will want to be you. You will be a godlike entity! I shall beg you happily, but you must come!”

“No!” I shouted, trying to pull the restaurant door open, but she was clinging to my arm, struggling to drag me toward the portal. “I don’t want to go to another world! I just want to live a simple life with no danger and consequence, thankyouverymuch!”

“You’re a coward,” she hissed with a sound of disappointment.

“That's very fair!” I shouted back, turning my head to look at her. Damn, but she was lovely. Her flaxen hair fluttered in the torrent of wind created by the sucking of the portal. She had gorgeous, big oceanic eyes, and though I couldn’t make out much of her body in the overly large trench coat she was wearing, from what I could tell, she was delightfully petite and chesty. For a split second I wondered if everyone was as beautiful as her where she came from—until I remembered how little I cared.

But then her funny hat was pulled off her head by the overpowering suction of the portal, and I realized just how strange she was. At the top of her head were two furry cat ears, and from that I was able to connect the dots that the shape I saw beneath her trench coat was likely a tail. Her fur was a sort of strawberry brown, a color that uniquely complemented her porcelain complexion and light golden tresses. She was a catgirl.

“I won’t let you stay! You must save our lands,” she yelled back at me, sweeping my leg and knocking me off balance. I almost tumbled over, but instead I merely staggered, but it was all the leverage she would need. From inside the store I could see Tom and Caitlin just watching, popping chicken nuggets as the scene played out.

“Get help!” I shouted, trying to fight her off and right my position. “She’s crazy.” I could just see Tom pointing at the portal behind me and shaking his head, a dumbfounded look on his face. Caitlin, at least, was picking up the phone, hopefully calling 911, but it didn’t matter. By the time they got here, I’d be long gone at this rate.

No wait. She was taking a photo on her smartphone.

“Wait,” I shouted at the catgirl. “Just tell me something.”

“Anything!” she promised. “Just come with me.”

“Why me?” I asked.

“It’s your Umbercore,” she said, not relenting her grip on me. “The signature of your Umbris is precisely what I’ve been searching for… for centuries!”

“My Umber-what? W-wait! What do you mean centuries?!” I gasped in shock—she didn't look a day over twenty-one.

“Yes! Now you see why I can’t let you go!” With that, she jerked me backward with one mustered motion using all her strength, knocking us both off our feet. I was on top of her, my back pressed against her chest. She wrapped her arms and legs around me in a death grip, like a super-powered koala around a eucalyptus tree, and wouldn’t let go as I felt us both being dragged along the ground slowly toward the portal.

As we got closer, we moved faster, soon past the point of no return. Even if she let go of me now, I wouldn’t be able to find the power to pull myself away from the portal’s suction. This thing was happening.

And, yup. It happened.

My senses were obliterated by an overwhelming intimacy with the color purple, and the manic laughter of the catgirl that was clinging to me, her face buried in my chest.

"I did it!" she giggled like a fucking psycho, her voice vibrating into my pectorals. "After three hundred seventy years, the last Apex Hero has been found! Lusteria can be unfrozen in time, and the New Age of Heroes will begin at last!"

I stayed silent at first, waiting for a moment of weakness. I could tell that the stupidly sexy catgirl thought she'd won, so she relaxed her grip on me a bit. I'm not proud of this, and I have no clue why I thought it was a good idea at the time, but I managed to break her grip on me and I lost her as she swirled away from me, screaming in the twisting confines of the portal until...

Suddenly I hit the grass hard, my back flat against a soft patch of earth. I was facing the sky. It was jarring how blue it was. I knew that skies that blue existed, but having grown up in the city my whole life, I was far more used to muted grayish-blue hues. The starkness of this blue was almost offensive to the eyes. It was too pretty to even look at, like Keira Knightley in the first Pirates of the Caribbean. 

I sat up straight and appraised my surroundings. A hell of a lot of green and brown. It took me a second to convert those colors into meaning, but before long I'd discerned I was in a forest of some kind. It looked familiar enough, except that all the colors were just so much more vivid than I was used to—and it was quiet. Way too quiet.

Until it wasn't. Suddenly a harsh feminine scream pierced the sky. Instinct took me to my feet, and I was off in the direction of the scream like a shot, dodging through brambles and thickets as I sought the origin of the horrible sound. If there was a girl out here in danger, I couldn't abide that. It was my fatal flaw. Even knowing nothing about this fucking world, which I was more and more certain was definitely not my own, I couldn't let the cries of a suffering innocent go unheeded.

Another scream rang out, this time much closer. I slowed my pace so as not to give myself away, ducking behind a tree as I sensed that I was coming to the fateful clearing. I heard muttering, growling, and the barking of orders in ugly, guttural voices. When I was satisfied that I'd not been detected, I peeked my head around the corner to assess the danger.

I was extremely unready for what my eyes beheld.

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