Chapter 1: 1. Envy?

We were halfway down the steps to the subway station when Trish stopped. She turned towards me and frowned, "You're really not up for this huh?"

"It's fine," I shrugged. I tried to sound enthusiastic as I added, "It's supposed to be a big deal right? I know you've been looking forward to a party at Harrison's place. I heard the pool's all ready to go too, and the weather's definitely good for it."

Patricia shook her head, "Looking forward to it or not, if my best friend's not going to have fun than neither am I."

"So what do you want to do?" I asked. "It's Saturday night, everybody's out doing stuff."

Her eyes flicked up and down over me, which just left me feeling self-conscious. I didn't even know why she insisted on hanging out with me all the time, I didn't know why she wanted to stay friends. Not that I wasn't grateful, I absolutely was. Trish was literally my best and only friend, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I constantly held her back.

She was beautiful, smart, witty, and confident. If she was into men she'd probably have her pick of almost any of the guys at school. She preferred girls though, which made it feel even weirder that she insisted on spending most of her free time with me.

Next to her I was bland and below-average in just about every way possible. I was quiet, sensitive, insecure, moody, and shy. She was like a perfect gorgeous flower in a ray of beautiful sunshine, while I was some moss clinging to a rock in the shadows behind her.

The two of us stood there on the stairs looking at each other for a few seconds. We were almost eye-to-eye, she was about a hundred and seventy centimetres tall while I was just a tad taller at one-seventy-five.

Suddenly Trish came to a decision. She grabbed my hand and said, "C'mon. We're going back to my place. Fuck Harrison and his swimming pool and his frat-boy party. Me and my best friend are going to chill out and play video games all night, just like old times."

"But ~" I started to protest as she dragged me back up the stairs onto the street.

My emotions churned with conflicting thoughts and feelings. On the one hand I was secretly glad to avoid the party, and even more happy at the idea of spending a quiet evening alone with my best friend. On the other hand I felt guilty for being happy, guilty for holding her back again. She deserved to be out there partying and making more friends, she didn't need to waste the night looking after a loser like me.

And the thing was it could never really be like 'old times' again, not that I wanted to turn the clock back.

Trish and me had been friends since we were ten or eleven years old, but everything changed when we were fifteen. That's when she came out as trans. That's when I found out that my best friend wasn't a boy, that she was really a girl the whole time.

Her family were a hundred and ten percent supportive, they helped her every step of the way. She got her name legally changed, her folks went to bat for her with the school so all the teachers and everyone knew what name and pronouns to use and everything. She got on HRT, and generally everything went her way.

And I was there with her through it all, her best friend and one of her biggest supporters. I stood up for her a few times in high school when transmisic assholes mouthed off. That earned me a few beatings when the assholes all ganged up, but it was worth it. Better they work out the aggression on me than her, that's how I saw it.

Now her life seemed almost perfect, and I was happy for her. Mostly happy.

That was another source of guilt for me, the heartache and envy I felt whenever I looked at her.

At least the heartache was easy to understand. I loved her, not that I'd ever told her. I knew she was into girls, so it was a no-go regardless. But more than that, I didn't want to risk the friendship we had. And I'd rather have her in my life as a friend than confess and make things so awkward and weird that she'd end up avoiding me completely.

The envy was harder to process. I spent the last five years watching her transition from someone just as dull, shy, and quiet as myself into a beautiful smiling confident happy young woman. We'd hang out while she told me about hormones and stuff, she'd keep me in the loop on whatever she was going through. It was fascinating and I loved to hear it, and I was always supportive and happy for her.

And I couldn't help wishing I was trans too, so I could do all that stuff right alongside her. I wished I could be a girl like her. Except I wasn't trans, I wasn't a girl.

And anyways, I knew even if I was trans I'd never be as pretty as her. All I could picture when I tried to imagine myself in her place was a bland boring guy with broad shoulders, five-o'clock-shadow, and a low voice. Stick a pink bow in my short dark hair, put some lipstick on me, maybe stuff me into a dress, and I'd just look...hideous.

Meanwhile Trish had been blessed not just with a supportive family but also good genetics and probably some very good luck too. Her hair was almost a platinum blonde and that was all natural. Her face was cute and rounded and pretty, her fair skin was flawless. She'd got on blockers and hormone therapy at the right time so she'd been spared the ravages of T, there wasn't a trace of facial hair and her voice never dropped into a masc range.

HRT worked all kinds of magic for her, she had a narrow waist and wide hips and a cute butt. Her bosom was absolutely perfect for her figure. As far as I was concerned she looked like a goddess in a pair of tight jeans and a t-shirt.

The tight outfit showed off all her gorgeous curves, and didn't hide her bulge either. She'd mentioned a few times some folks were turned off by that but I couldn't imagine why. I hadn't actually seen her naked, but I couldn't think of anything prettier or more perfect than my beautiful best friend just the way she was.

So yeah. Envy and heartache. It hurt every time I looked at her, but I loved her and she was my best friend and I didn't know what to do about any of that. So I just tagged along and hoped I didn't bring her down or hold her back too much.

"Hey let's grab some snacks!"

Trish's words pulled me out of the dark thoughts I'd been spiralling into as I followed her down the street. I blinked a few times as I realized she was still holding my hand, and pulling me in the direction of the little chain grocery store around the corner from her apartment building.

I picked up a basket and followed her to the snacks aisle, where she grabbed a couple jumbo bags of our favourites. Cool ranch nachos, sour creme and onion ruffle chips, and a little tub of those pretzels filled with peanut butter. It was all incredibly unhealthy and I had no idea how she managed to stay slim and attractive eating that kind of stuff.

"What about drinks?" I asked.

She shook her head, "I've got stuff at home in the fridge."

"Oh but we should grab some food though, just in case?" she added.

The food she chose wasn't any healthier than the snacks, she picked up a couple frozen pizzas and stuffed them in the basket. Then before we made it out of the frozen aisle she also grabbed a box of drumstick ice-cream cones, incase we felt like dessert.

We went to the self-serve checkout and as she scanned everything and stuffed it in bags I commented, "There's enough food here for like six people Trish. Do we really need all this?"

She shrugged, "If we're doing an all-nighter we might want some variety? We don't have to eat it all. Or hey, maybe we'll keep at it all day tomorrow too. Like that time both our families were away for the long weekend and we did X-Box and junk food for like seventy-two hours straight? That was wild."

"I was sick for two days after that," I responded, though I couldn't help smiling.

My smile faded fast though as the other memories caught up. That was the weekend she came out to me. That's when I first felt the heartache and the envy.

By the time I snapped out of that little fugue Trish had already scanned her bank card and got the receipt. She handed me one of the bags and grinned, "C'mon!"

I started to follow again but we didn't make it out of the store before she stopped and squealed, "Oh heck yeah!"

We were standing in front of a row of those little capsule vending machines. The bottom row was all candy and gum and stuff, twenty-five-cent machines. The upper row was a mix of dollar and two-dollar machines, loaded with cheap plastic toys and stickers and crap like that.

Trish was digging in her purse for coins as she stared at the unit at the end of the row. The advertising card on the front of the machine had pictures of various cutesy anime-style animals, like cats and dogs, rabbits and foxes, that sort of thing. It was a two-dollar machine, and from what I could tell of the contents it looked like they were small plush toys. It was hard to be sure though, since the capsules were frosted to partially obscure the contents.

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"Seriously?" I asked as I looked at my friend.

She nodded enthusiastically as she finally pulled a toonie from her purse. "These things are super cute! Megan in my comp-sci program got a foxo here last month and it's adorable. The damn machine's been empty the last four times I've come by, but yay! They finally refilled it."

I watched her drop the coin in, then as she turned the crank she crossed the fingers on her other hand and whispered, "C'mon doggo doggo doggo, gimme a cute little pupper!"

With a kerchunk the machine produced a round frosted capsule, and she plucked it out of the chute then stuffed it into her purse.

"You're not going to open it up and check?" I asked.

Trish shook her head, "I'll do it at home. Hey! Let's get you one too!"

I sighed, "It's not... If it's as cute as you say then it's not for me. Guys like me don't do cute, right?"

She made a face at me, that was probably supposed to be a scowl or a frown or something but all I could see was how damn attractive she was.

"You can do cute," Trish finally stated. Her voice was soft, compassionate, and for a second I worried that she'd seen through my mask, that she'd noticed the heartache. She added, "Anyways it's my treat so you can't say no."

After digging another toonie from her purse she dropped it in the slot and put her hand on the crank.

"What are you hoping for? C'mon, what's your favourite animal?" she asked as she gave me a smile that melted my heart slightly.

I shrugged, "No idea. Let luck or fate or the silly machine decide."

Trish grinned then twisted the dial and a second capsule appeared. She pulled it out and pushed it into my hand, then leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek and whispered "Now let's get back to my place. We'll get some drinks, pick a game, eat some junk food, and open our plushies together."

"O-ok," I stammered as my heart raced.

It was less than ten minutes from the grocery store to Trish's little one-bedroom second-floor apartment, and I was in a daze the whole time. My head was spinning, I had no idea what any of that meant. Part of me thought she'd somehow guessed my feelings towards her, part of me was scrambling to come up with another explanation.

Then there were the panicky thoughts, like if she had figured out I loved her maybe she was going to tell me she felt the same way? Except she was into girls so that wasn't going to happen. Which meant maybe this was all some kind of set-up or prank. Or maybe it was nothing at all, and she was just being her usual fun playful self, completely oblivious to the thousand and one anxious thoughts swirling around inside me.

Next thing I knew, me and Trish were sitting on her comfy old sofa with a couple vodka coolers open on the coffee table in front of us. There was also a big bowl of cool ranch nacho chips there too. Game controllers were on the sofa between us, and the TV was showing the start-up animation from her X-Box.

We each had a little frosted plastic ball in hand, and she grinned at me "Let's open them together ok? On three?"

"Ok?" I mumbled.

She did the countdown and popped hers open, I followed suit.

"Oh yes!" Trish squealed as she plucked the little toy from the container. "I got a doggo!"

I found myself staring at the little knitted plush toy she was holding. It was white, with a silver-grey pattern on the back and tail. The eyes were little knots of amber yarn, that seemed to sparkle in the light coming off the TV. The head and body were stuffed, while the legs and tail were sort of soft and floppy. A plastic clip was connected by nylon string to its back, so it could be attached to a keychain or something.

"I think that's a wolf actually," I commented.

Trish just giggled, "Woofers are doggos too, and all doggos are good puppers."

There really wasn't anything I could think to say to that, apart from how damn cute she was and how much I wished I could get away with being cute too.

As if she wasn't cute enough already, Trish held up her little plush wolf and wiggled it around as she made cute little "Woof, woof!" noises.

The envy and heartache hit me once more as I was distracted again by how much I loved her cute playfulness and how much I wanted to be like that too.

I pushed it away as usual then finally responded, "I think the stereotypical wolf sound is a howl? So 'awoo' is probably more appropriate."

She rolled her eyes then her attention shifted to the plushie in my hand as she asked, "Hey what'd you get?"

I literally hadn't even bothered to look until that point, but I found myself frowning as I stared. "It's a cow?"

Rather than some sort of realistic farmyard animal my plushie was more like a cute cartoon cow. It was made the same as Trish's wolf, knitted from black and white yarn in an obvious holstein pattern. Except for the udder which was sort of pinkish and the cute little hoofs which were black. There were floppy ears sticking out the sides and little nubby grey horns ontop of its head, and the tail was long and thin with a tuft of black fuzz at the end. The eyes were made from little knots of brown yarn, and like Trish's wolf they sort of sparkled in the light coming off the TV.

After a couple seconds Trish leaned closer and bumped her shoulder against mine then teased in a quiet, naughty voice "So tell me the truth, are you into cowgirls or something? Got any secret fantasies about being milked and bred?"

That left me coughing and sputtering and I'm sure my face went beet red. There's no way she could have known about that, I was positive. It wasn't even a lucky guess, she was probably just being her usual cute silly self again.

Once I got control of my breathing my best friend smiled at me and said, "C'mon, lighten up ok? You don't have to be so serious all the time. Be a bit silly, have a little fun."

"Ok ok," I grimaced. I still had Trish's tease on my mind though, the whole 'milked and bred' thing honestly sounded really hot to me. So it might have come out a little more needy than I meant when I held up my little plushie cow asked, "Moo?"

Trish's smile suddenly faded and her eyes widened as her jaw dropped.

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