Chapter 1: Chapter 1. Life is worse than death

To be honest, from the very beginning I never believed in fate. All because I thought life was too unfair for that. You're either born with luck, or you're not.

My name is Maria Kondratieva. Although in the past my last name was different.

For as long as I can remember, I was born and raised in Moscow. But my parents are from Vladivostok, where they met. Our family could not be called particularly prosperous. Rather, everything is like everyone else.

Dad worked at the factory, and mom stayed at home with me. I didn't remember my childhood well until I was three. But at the same time, my memories clearly preserved the warm touch of my mother, and the kind smile of my father when he returned home from work every evening. For him, I have always been «his little sun.»

Right now, I would give anything to feel it on me again. To feel that someone really loves me. My parents and a happy childhood in a modest apartment were like a distant dream. A dream that will never come true again. Because after that, only a nightmare began.

When I turned five, my parents' life came to an abrupt end. Our car got into a car accident when we were returning home from vacation. I remember that day clearly and forever.

Screams. Weeping. Someone else's blood is on my hands. An endless feeling of regret.

The pain of losing my parents has become the most terrible in my life. Something I would never be able to relive again.

Fate does not exist for me. There is only an attempt to survive. It's like a pathetic insect struggling to cling to a straw. And in my life, this insect is me.

— Girl, where are you hanging out?!

Aunt's furious voice came straight from the phone.

«I'm on my way,» I replied wearily.

— Are you coming? Where?

— On the avenue. There are two streets left.

An angry sigh.

— Move it. Don't forget it's your turn to cook dinner tonight.

— …I remember.

I somehow managed to get rid of her in order to reset the call. It was very easy to annoy my aunt, but it was even more difficult to get along with her. Whenever possible, I tried to smooth out sharp corners and avoid quarrels. All just for the sake of a short-term peace of mind while I live in this house.

I put the phone in my pocket and sighed. The traffic light turned green, and people around me began to cross the street. In the general crowd, I followed them.

This afternoon I was coming home from school as usual. The tenth grade started quite recently. Time flew by unnoticed and now I'm a high school student. However, this did not add to the joy.

There are two years left before I finally pass my exams and move to live in a hostel. It seemed like good news. I wanted to get as far away from here as possible. But at the same time, I will have to endure relatives for several more years. I hated every day of being in this family.

You won't be able to fully understand it until you experience it the hard way. The depressing realization that you are unlucky with your family. Sometimes I regretted that my aunt really did not take me to an orphanage.

Nothing remarkable happened to me on the way home. Unless a man in a hot dog suit was persistently trying to sell me an advertising flyer. I reached one of the nondescript high-rise buildings and unlocked the door with a key.

In the elevator, I was met by a kind neighbor grandmother. Out of habit, we greeted each other and smiled.

— Alla Semyonovna, you look great today!

«Haha, you're cute too.»

However, I knew that my current calmness would not last long. Already on the threshold I was met by a woman whom I called a «harpy» in my mind. Despite her relatively young age, she looked much older than forty. Rough features and brown hair, which she still curled so absurdly. This woman was my own aunt.

At the sight of me, Aunt Irina gave a contemptuous click.

— Me too! You never get home on time. Admit it, where have you been?

My aunt did not believe in my assurances that there were more lessons in high school than in middle school, and I physically could not come earlier. Instead, she tried in vain to get a confession out of me that I was doing something obscene. For example, I smoke with classmates behind garages.

— I told you, I had eight lessons today…

— Eight! Yeah, of course! — She grumbled, — Then why does Sveta never have more than five of them?

— Well, probably because she skips them… I suggested logically.

My aunt was indignant.

— She cheats herself, and blames everything on her sister! — The woman was indignant, — Every year more and more impudent!

I sighed.

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— …Can I come in?

Aunt Irina snorted, but still freed the doorway.

— Instead of wandering around, it would be better to do useful things! — did not miss to notice that.

My aunt kept reproaching me for not doing anything. Although from my side everything seemed completely different. In fact, all the responsibilities of the house were on me. But for some mystical reasons, no one noticed this.

After the death of my parents, my mother's younger sister and her husband adopted me. Irina and Oleg Kondratiev seemed to be an exemplary family in the eyes of society. The wife did not work, and the head of the family held the position of administrator in one of the local supermarket chains. They had a small car, as well as a dacha in the suburbs. Their only daughter Svetlana was an excellent student at school and was popular among her peers.

However, all this family idyll was disrupted with the appearance of me. For many years, the sisters did not communicate with each other. Until one day, the guardianship authorities called them to offer my adoption. The news of the death of their sister and the presence of that little daughter turned out to be like snow on their heads.

Of course, in order to look good in the eyes of colleagues at work and the rest of society, they had to «take» me. Since then I have moved to Moscow and started living in this apartment. Among people I hate to the core. And this, by the way, is mutual.

I was the same family member as the others, but I was not taken seriously. «Bring it. Hand it over. Do it.» — and so on all my life. To be honest, I've already got used to it. Because at every opportunity, my aunt threatened to kick me out into the street.

Is there a choice in such a situation? Especially for a sixteen-year-old teenager like me.

Here and now. In order not to run into another scandal, I took a detour in advance and did not quarrel with my aunt. I'm better off. I dropped my backpack with my textbooks in my room, after which I barely had time to change into my home clothes. Sveta and Uncle Oleg usually returned home by six.

I cleaned up the kitchen and started cooking dinner. In fact, it was part of the duties of Aunt Irina, because she was a housewife. But for certain reasons, this role fell to me… This can be called a kind of payment for living in an apartment. As a result, while my aunt was watching soap operas on TV, I put a frying pan on the fire. I think I'll fry an omelet today.

As expected, the rest of the family returned closer to six o'clock. Uncle Oleg, a heavy middle-aged man, almost never greeted me. He kissed his wife and sprawled next to her to watch TV.

— …Are you watching this nonsense again? Let's switch to the news instead.

Even from the kitchen I could hear my aunt's complaints about this. My own cousin Sveta studied at the same school and the same parallel as me. But for some mystical reasons, I have never seen her since the beginning of the school year. While Aunt Irina refused in every way to believe that her holy daughter could play truant.

Svetlana was very similar to her parents. Brown hair, snub nose, pear shape. In short, clearly not a Hollywood star. But thanks to the fact that the girl learned to make up early, she skillfully masked all these shortcomings. She even managed to become a famous beauty… Compared to her, I, who had never even picked up mascara in my life, seemed like just a gray mouse.

As a child, for obvious reasons, we often quarreled. But with age, they began to ignore each other more and more. Sveta has her own life, and I have my own.

Going into the kitchen, the girl first looked into the refrigerator. And finding that nothing interesting appeared with her appearance, she sighed in disappointment.

— Hey.

— … what?

— I'm hungry, — the sister brazenly declared, — Are you going to dig for a long time?

I used to be very angry with her careless attitude towards me. But over time, I got used to it and already ignored these words. After all, Sveta had an aunt on her side.

— Almost done,» I said, «wait another five minutes.»

Sveta snorted arrogantly.

— That's it. And why are you so slow? It's no use.

The girl took an apple from the windowsill and went to her room. I sighed.

A couple of minutes later, dinner was ready. I fried an omelet and sliced a salad. Having informed the household about this, I hurried to retreat from the kitchen. Having dinner at the same table was still a pleasure, so I preferred to avoid it.

In my room, I closed myself and first of all fell on the bed from fatigue. It was a small room, but I didn't care. At least some private space of your own.

I took a shower and looked at myself in the mirror. Short, shoulder-length black hair went well with pale skin. I had big blue eyes, inherited from my mother. And yet I can't be called a beauty. Among my peers, my appearance was considered quite ordinary. Especially in Moscow.

I sighed, realizing that I still had homework to do. No matter how you look at it, my life was quite difficult for a high school student. School, housework and part-time work… Where can I find a place to live here?

I could only hope that the situation would improve with the move to the hostel and the start of my studies at the university. Now I was warmed by the thought of just that.

I sat down at my desk and took my notebooks out of my backpack. Along the way, I was flipping through an electronic diary on my phone, looking for homework set for tomorrow. But…

At that moment, I was suddenly pierced by a cutting pain in the area of the heart. It was another attack. I've lived with them all my life, and lately the symptoms seem to have intensified. No pills helped.

I went to the cardiologist several times, but the examinations did not help. All the cardiograms as one showed that everything was fine with me. The doctors just waved their hands and said that maybe it was my congenital anomaly. It remained only to accept. Besides, it doesn't seem to be fatal.

At such moments, I always bent double and waited for the excruciating pain to recede. Everything should be fine in a couple of minutes. But still…

Why is this happening to me?

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