Chapter 3 Episode 15 – Reason And Instinct

“Phew…….. Phew …….:

What should I do? I’m just walking down the hallway, but I can hear the sound of Shinobu san breathing. Moreover, the surrounding is filled with the festival sounds. It’s just the two of us, as if we were the only one left in this world.

“……Sorry, should I let go of your hand?”

“Tsu….!”

When I asked that, Shinobu san’s sweaty hands trembled and she squeezed my fingers. She didn’t answer me, but I guess that was her reply.

“What should I do? Yesterday we went to the place that I wanted to go to, so now let’s do what you wanted to do, Shinobu san.”

“Would you let me !? Let me do it !?”

“…………”

Well, I give up. I don’t know what to do about this development……

“Shinobu san……”

“W-what’s wrong, Kouki kun?”

To be honest, it’s impossible. The fact that the adult Shinobu san doesn’t appear. It’s impossible for her not to come and see this situation from behind or anywhere.  So, in other words, that’s what it’s all about. If this goes on.

I want a girlfriend, I want a boyfriend. I think that;s a natural thing for human beings. Reproduction is part of life.”

“R-reproduction…..!?”

“But people can suppress their reason. That’s why we were able to form a society and develop so far. It means that we have created something more important than the birth of the next generation.”

“I-I guess so…..?”

“In short. I don’t think it’s easy for people to be in a relationship with each other. If I date you because I like you, that’s fine. But dating with emotions means breaking up emotionally. So you have to think about it with your head. You have to think with your head. I want to date this person because of this reason. If you don’t have that kind of resolve, your feelings will float away and you will eventually break up.”

“…..I….see…..”

I don’t mean to sound like an adult. Still, I wanted to say it. To say it to myself.

To be clear, Shinobu san and I can go out with each other. But that’s not the case. If I end it like that, I won’t be able to make use of the experience I gained from my breakup with Saki.

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I want a reason. I need a reason why it has to be Shinobu san. I need a reason why it has to be me. Without it, it would be disrespectful to both of us.

“Well, you know…..that’s it. I’m talking about having to deepen the relationship properly……”

“……You’ll go along with what I want to do, won’t you?”

Shinobu san, who was walking along with me, walked faster. I also speed up my pace so that I won’t be left behind. We arrived at an empty classroom, the most quiet place in the festival, where no one noticed.

“…..Is it okay? Isn’t this the last cultural festival for you?”                                                         

The desks and chairs had been plucked out for the show, and I sat down in one of the few remaining chairs. Then from the front, Shinobu san came on to me and sat on my lap.

“……Gimme a hug.”

“………….”

I acted as Shinobu san said with a bright red face. But she slowly approached my face with her small mouth open. I’m not a child that I can act here without thinking.

“….Sorry. I’m weird, aren’t I?”

Shinobu san noticed my silent refusal and slowly moved her face away from me. This allowed me to see the entirety of her expression. A painful expression that looks like about to break down at any moment.

“I know that I’m…..going crazy. I hardly saw anything cool about Kouki kun. Even though you protected me, you didn’t even see me as a girl. We’re just good friends and part-timers…… And yet……”

And from her eyes.

“I can’t help but……I love you, Kouki kun……!”

A single drop of tears leaked out.

“But I shouldn’t……it’s absolutely no good right now……. I have to study hard……and I can’t afford to do anything else……. And yet…… I just can’t stand it……!”

Everything in the world is like this. Once broken, it cannot be contained. Her tears overflowed endlessly and spilled into my knees.

“I’m sorry…I can’t think of any reason at all. I don’t have any basic reason for it. But still……I love you so much. I can’t restrain it just for a reason. When I think about Kouki kun, my heart aches, and when I think about Kouki kun, my chest feels so tight that I can’t think about anything else……. I love you so much that I’m sure I’ll still be able to “say I love you 10 years from now…….!

Oh, that’s right. I was the adult and Shinobu san was the child.

“Hey, please….! I won’t ask you to go out with me. I don’t care if it’s just a delusion !　Love me……!”

The foundation of our lives is different. We can’t exchange words on an equal footing by letting our feelings creep in. All we could do was to be straight with each other and share our feelings.

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