Chapter 8: 8

Ch 8 This Feeling (Kanae’s POV)

During my lunch break, I was troubled.

Oh, I did it. I’ve done it…

Since this morning, my strange behavior has been unstoppable.

I saw Yuki-kun in the morning classroom, followed him to the washroom, lent him a towel to wash his face, collected the towel, returned to the classroom and immediately pressed it against my own face.

The last one was a completely unconscious action, and when I came to my senses, I had done it.

I’m a complete pervert…

I immediately took the towel off my face and peeked at Yuki-kun’s seat, but fortunately he hadn’t returned yet. I was really glad that he hadn’t seen me. I didn’t want Yuki-kun to think I was weird.

Afterwards, I made eye contact with Yuki-kun who came back, so I waved to him.

Yuki-kun froze with a surprised look on his face, and then he looked puzzled and dumbfounded. It was kind of cute, and I wanted to tease him or something.

However, when I saw Yuki-kun’s troubled face with no reaction, I remembered my position.

That’s right… Yuki-kun confessed to me, but I turned him down…

And yet, I felt like I was being unfair, waving my hand after all this time, and I felt depressed.

But the next moment when I was feeling gloomy, Yuki-kun waved back at me.

I was so relieved and happy that I almost cried – Yuki-kun is kind…

I’m sure I was embarrassingly happy and made a very sloppy face.

In the end, Yuki and I waved to each other until the teacher came, and in the end we both got angry, but it tickled me and made me happy.

I was so curious about Yuki-kun during class that I kept glancing at him and our eyes kept meeting.

Even during break time, I would go over and talk to Yuki-kun to find out how he was doing. Moreover, I would talk to him about pretty unimportant topics on…

I’m scared that he’ll think I’m weird, or that I’m a jerk for rejecting his confession. But I wanted to find out what he thought of me, and I wanted to know how he felt, so I started talking to him again.

Every time I talked to him, Yuki-kun seemed a little awkward, and I was sad that we couldn’t talk like before, but I couldn’t help it…

I also realized that Yuki-kun had been the one who had been making the conversation more exciting, and that he had been taking care of me and making it fun.

“And yet…”

I plop down on my desk in a dark mood.

I think that my reply to Yuki-kun’s confession yesterday was better than lying or cheating. I’m thinking about it, but…

“Hey, are you listening to me, Kanae?”

Suddenly, Souta-kun, who was sitting diagonally in front of me, called out to me.

“What?”

“Hey, don’t fall asleep when I’m talking to you.”

“Oh, yeah, I’m sorry.”

I think Souta-kun was talking to me. I think I’ve done something wrong.

“Oh, dear… I’m the only childhood friend who can keep up with Kanae’s pace, right?”

As I watched Souta-kun shake his head, muttering, “Oh dear,” as he always does, I thought about Yuki-kun.

When I think about it, I feel that Yuki-kun has always been in tune with me. The pace at which he talked, walked, and ate… was always the same.

“Yuki-kun…”

“So this morning, I had three of them following me around. What did you say?”

“Oh… well, I was wondering where Yuki-kun went…”

Normally, he would take the seat next to me or in front of me and we would eat together…

When I thought about the fact that he was avoiding me, I felt terrible.

“Oh, I don’t see him. He’s probably in some other class or club. He has a lot of male friends for nothing. I mean, isn’t it always random around there?”

Yeah, it’s not like we have an agreement. Yuki-kun always comes to me, and we talk about club activities and friends, and I laugh, and sometimes Souta-kun jumps in.

“I’m really in trouble. After school today, I was called by Rinka and Azaka-senpai.”

Souta-kun started talking again as usual.

In the past, I would have listened with excitement, thinking that Souta-kun is really popular, but now I can’t get the content of his story into my head at all.

I wonder where Yuki-kun is…

I kept thinking about this, and at the end of the lunch break, which seemed longer than usual, Yuki-kun appeared stealthily from the back entrance of the classroom.

I quickly rushed over to Yuki-kun.

“Yuki-kun?”

“Kanae?”

I called out to him out of the blue, so Yuki-kun was surprised.

I looked up at Yuki-kun, suppressing my nervousness and excitement.

“Where did you go on lunch break…?”

I asked him in an embarrassed way, which made my face hot. I was embarrassed…

“Well, I was eating… food in the club room…”

I know I don’t deserve it, but I’m a little offended by Yuki-kun’s words, saying that it’s better to eat in the club room than with me.

My head is a mess of self-loathing and frustration.

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“Eat with me tomorrow.”

“Yes.”

After confirming that Yuki-kun nodded with a hardened expression, I went back to my seat and regretted the series of words and actions.

In the end, I couldn’t concentrate on anything else after that, and when I looked back at my unsympathetic words and actions, I felt regret and despair…

Then it was after school.

Homeroom is over, and everyone in the class starts moving at once.

Yuki-kun is carrying two bags on his back and seems to be going to the club activities now. What should I do? If I wait until he finishes, can we go home together? Then I can follow up with him a bit about the lunch break?

As I was thinking about this, Souta-kun called out to me.

“Today, as I said at lunch, I’ve been invited by Rinka and Azaka-senpai -are you coming, too?”

“No, I’m not invited. I’m going home.”

“What? No, but…”

That’s what I told Souta-kun, so let’s go home for today.

I want to calm down and think about it. I feel that my feelings of “being in love with Souta” and my words and actions after Yuki’s confession are very far apart.

I went home, looking back at myself from the time I first became aware of Souta-kun.

 

And now, in our dining room, where the sun is shining in the west.

The air felt heavy, no doubt because I was nervous.

“It’s about a friend of mine, you know? She had a crush on someone for a long time, but recently someone else confessed his feelings to her… After that confession, she started to care more about the person who confessed his feelings to her… Is this weird?”

I was stuck in my thoughts, so I decided to ask my friend for advice about my situation. The person I asked was my mother.

“What do you mean? You’ve been a fan of Souta-kun for a long time, but lately you’ve been interested in Yuki-kun? I mean, Yuki-kun finally confessed his feelings to Kanae~”

“Hmm? What the hell?”

Grinning mom.

It’s all been exposed… What’s wrong with me?

“Oh, mom knew that Yuki… knew about me?”

“I knew it, you know. I mean, Yuki-kun has always been so blatant about it, I think you would notice.”

I didn’t notice…

“How long ago was that?”

“At least since before you started chasing Souta?”

That long ago, Yuki had a thing for me.

“Uhehe…”

“Ugh, that’s gross.”

Terrible!

“Did you like Souta-kun in the first place?”

“Well, yeah, I thought he was cool…?”

I feel like I’m making excuses for myself.

“Is that so? I didn’t see it that way from the side. Didn’t you feel like you were guessing or admiring an idol close to you?”

Ugh… What should I do? That makes so much sense…

“Besides, you spend your birthday, Valentine’s Day, and Christmas with Yuki-kun every year, and his gifts and chocolates are more luxurious than yours.”

“I thought that Souta-kun was going to invite other girls to the party… The chocolates and gifts were in return for my appreciation and Yuki-kun’s amazing gifts every year…”

-I can see that it’s really strange even for me. The same goes for Souta-kun’s constant talk about his popularity. I don’t feel any jealousy or impatience when Souta-kun gets along with other girls. On the contrary, I can’t wait to find out what happens next.

I find myself looking at Souta-kun as if I were reading a girl’s manga.

When I think about it, even the basis for my affection for Souta-kun is all sold to me by my friends.

“You’re too insensitive for your own good…”

The misunderstanding of longing and love – a development you see in manga and novels, but never paid attention to because it couldn’t happen in reality. And yet, I never imagined that I was the one…

If it hadn’t been for Yuki-kun’s confession, I wouldn’t have been able to think about it or even notice it.

I was in despair over my insensitivity, and then I thought of something even more ridiculous.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, what should I do? What if Yuki-kun gets another girl?”

I’m going to faint… I’m going to collapse…

“Oh no, that’s no good. Yuki’s going to get another girlfriend.”

I’m sure my grinning mother is having a great time stirring things up, but I would never want Yuki-kun to have a girlfriend!

“No…”

It came out naturally in my voice.

“Well, think about it, and hang in there.”

My mother was saying something, but it didn’t register in my head at all.

Now, what fills my disappointed head is freezing despair, burning frustration, and pitch-black jealousy.

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