Chapter 3: Chapter 3

The best orgasm I’ve ever had was at 2:07 on a Wednesday afternoon. Once you’ve edged yourself for an hour and a half on a live stream, there’s no euphoric ecstasy more mind melting, more earth shattering, more cum inducing, than hearing the timer go off, and allowing yourself to simply twitch on a nine inch purple cock, causing days worth of built up slutty putty to erupt from your aching dick as you all but scream at the release. 

That entire experience, however, paled in comparison to the soul rending sense of awkwardness I was feeling, as I sat in a room full of really pretty girls who were all taller than me, and had begun asking me questions about myself. How was I supposed to answer things like, “What do you do for fun?” and, “How long do you think the idiosyncrasies of the bourgeoisie will last before the impending financial collapse forces either the working class to radicalize or the classist elites to flee the planet?” and, “What kind of music do you listen to?” There was no way I would ever be prepared for these kinds of questions. 

“Um, I’ve been into Meg Meyers, King Princess, Hayley Kiyoko, and Half Alive recently. I like all kinds of music, but um, stuff bringing back synths and electronica merged with other genres is my personal favorite.” I somehow managed to put into words at least a fraction of my recent music listening and preferences. 

Tara looked over at me, “Okay but do you listen to Girl in Red?” 

“Well, yeah, sometimes…”

“Okay, time for cards in spite of humanity." Lacy walked back in the living room, shaking a big black box.

Thankfully the topic change saved me from more intense lines of questioning. 

"Cards in spite of humanity? Is it not, cards against?" I asked.

Lacy set the box down on the table near the kitchen. “Well kind of. We took the game and removed all the problematic cards and things we didn't like, then made our own with all the blank ones from the expansions.” 

“Yeah, it’s really fun and hella gay!” Chloe added on.

As we all got up and made our way to the table, I wondered why I was even invited. I mean, yeah, Lacy is cool, but she’s too cool to be hanging out with me. Not to mention all of her friends seems to be either on her level of coolness or, not to be too presumptuous but in Chloe’s own words, “hella gay.” I had only been there a short time but I just couldn’t figure out why any of them would have wanted me around. Not even my own family wanted me around. Though to be honest, I didn’t want them around either. But still. There had to be something going on right? I was just the awkward nerdy dude from work. What was special about me? Well, aside from the thing I don’t talk about. 

“Who’s going first?” Lily looked around to us as Lacy dealt the cards. 

“Well, rules are rules. Whoever’s shortest goes first. I take it your girlfriend’s not coming?” Lacy looked at Tara.

Tara shook her head. “Nope, she had a family thing come up. So, I guess that means…”

Suddenly, just like a biblically accurate angel, all eyes were on me. Similar to prey staring down the encroaching predators. My fight or flight instincts kicked in. Or well, they should have. It was more of being frozen as four tall girls stared me down with weird smirks on their faces. There was a mixture of things I was feeling, though the most prominent was my face heating up like meteor vaporizing as it entered the atmosphere, and the stiffening of certain appendages. Now was not the time to discover new kinks. I had to defend my pride!

“I’m not that short!” I blurted out in a much higher pitch than I had intended. 

“Aww, of course you’re not. You’re tiny, little, smol.” Lacy started to giggle and reached over and ruffled my hair. “Y’all should have seen it. Shortstack here was trying to stock an entire section all alone. It was adorable.” 

So there’s this button meme that I see all the time. Usually it’s something like, “You get one hundred million dollars, but you become a girl.” Or some variation of the sort, but you always become a girl. I really wished the invisibility version of it was real because my face was no longer any natural shade of red, while the rest of my body was in another realm of existence. I squirmed a little, trying not to dwell on the thought of being teased even more about my height by my coworker, and how public humiliation was absolutely on my list of kinks now. 

Tara put her hand on my shoulder. “Hey we can totally stop teasing if you want us to.”

I shifted around in my chair, doing my best to calm the fluttering in my chest. “It’s okay. With the pandemic and everything it’s been a hot minute since I've gotten to really hang out with anyone.” 

It was mostly true. To be honest, I kind of just didn't really relate to a lot of my old friends anymore. Once I had some time to be alone and get new interests and re-evaluate my stance on…well everything. I just didn't really mesh with them anymore. Plus I was too busy filming and building a brand.

As awkward and nervous as I had been so far, the night seemed like it was going to be interesting to say the least. There was still, of course, the issue of Lacy and her usage of Twitter. That was something we might be able to connect on, but even if we did, I’d have to tell her my account name, and like an antique of a TV show, I’d have some splainin to do. Luckily I could just focus on the game, and wow the cards were uh, certainly something. 

 

 

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“Alright, what are my parents hiding from me? My complete Bionicle collection, the gender euphoria of cuddling a stuffed Swedish shark, a bigger, longer girldick, and my birth certificate.” A chorus of groans came from the rest of the table as I read the last card aloud. 

“Holy fuck who played that one?” Lacy shouted.

I looked on in confusion as everyone's faces were red from laughing. There was a joke that I was most definitely not getting, but this had been the fifth time I had to read a card about girldick, so I was going to go with the one that elicited the strongest response. 

“Uhh, birth certificate.” I set the cards back on the table. 

Chloe jumped up in triumph. “Yes! Trauma always wins bitches!” 

As she did her victory dance I couldn't help but feel like there were a lot of things I wasn't able to piece together. Among all the small talk of Lily going to see her partners at the end of the month, Tara talking about her girlfriend's brother trying to reconnect, and Lacy sharing lots of embarrassing work stories, there was one thing I kept seeing that I had no reference for. 

I looked up, “what's an egg?” 

The entire night I had seen cards and heard the girls referencing them. It was one of those things where they all seemed to know and giggle but I had no idea what they were talking about. Just like when Lacy turned to them and said, “Can I offer you a nice…” then gestured at me “...in this trying time?” I was a bit like Hall and Oates on Thursdays, I was out of touch with people to a degree. But I knew when I was being talked around. They all seemed really nice but I didn't care for being left out of the loop. 

For the first time in the entire evening, Lacy looked as though she didn’t really know what to say. They all began shooting each other looks. The kind of look you give to someone when you have to explain why their goldfish is doing the motionless backstroke because you forgot to feed it while your kid was at summer camp. Thanks for that, Mom. 

“Well, you see.” Tara was surprisingly the one to take the lead. “An egg is--someone who’s trans, but hasn't realized they’re trans yet.”

“Oh.” That seemed like an awfully simple explanation for something they all seemed to be dancing around so hard. “But, don’t all trans people know that they’re trans?” 

“Not really, no.” Tara sighed and ran her hand over the back of neck. “ For me, it wasn't until a few years ago that I realized. I had been an egg for a long while. Dressing up as a girl and dancing to stupid songs as a kid, kissing one of my friends, yearning and wanting to be something else, someone else. I never knew what it was, I thought I was just depressed, like there was something wrong with me. I knew I was different, but I didn't know in what way.  It wasn’t until I talked with someone who had a different view on things, and ran into an old friend that it finally clicked.”

“Yeah, and for me it wasn't until I talked with one of my now best friends at a club and she uh--showed me some things. There were different options, you can be who you want to be. That and reading some queer theory definitely helped the cracking process.” Chloe added on.

I guess that made sense. People do tend to miss the signs that are right in front of them. But wow, I had no idea any of the girls here were trans. My chest began to sink even further. Not only had I been the only boy here. But I was a boy pretending to be a girl online, for money. They probably wouldn't like me if they knew I was faking being a girl. Was it transphobic to be doing this? I had wrestled with the ethics of this whole Alice thing for a while. But I was always able to justify the means because I needed the money to survive. To be honest, I hadn’t needed the money for a little while now. I was just doing it because I liked it, it made me feel good. Something about being wanted, feeling cute, being able to actually like what I saw on the recordings. I loved the rush of feeling like a cute girl that people got off to. Or maybe being a cute girl in general. But I’m not a girl. It was all an act. I couldn't actually be a girl. Not like any of the girls here. I was a fake. An impostor. I was as sus as they come. I should just vent myself from this party. I didn’t deserve to be here. Plus, it was only a matter of time til they wouldn't want me anyways. 

Lacy put her hand on my shoulder. “You okay Lo?” 

“I, uh.” God why was it so hot all of a sudden. I knew the hoodie was a bad idea. My chest started to stir in every direction at once. There was a flag on the wall. It was the trans pride flag. Which meant…Lacy was trans too. Maybe? Fuck. “I need to go.” 

I got up from my chair and quickly made my way to the door. 

“Lo! Don’t go. It’s okay, we can…”

“It’s Lloyd. My name is Lloyd.” I said in a pained whisper as I proceeded to close the door behind me.

 

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