Chapter 19: 18. The goddess

The voice echoed in my head.

It isn’t my imagination is it?

“Are you alright, young kin?”

The voice asked inquisitively.

I turned around to face the voice.

It was a woman. She was tall, taller than anyone I had ever met before. She had long black hair tied behind her back and her skin was so white it was almost blue. I looked up at her face. In the middle of her face were two golden eyes with cross shaped dark irises, and her sclera were black instead of white.

Her eyes felt as if they were piercing me. Digging through my very soul. My mind told me I should be afraid, but something in my heart felt compelled by this woman. I couldn’t look away.

“Well well, isn’t that cute.”

She said flatly, breaking eye contact. I calmed myself and looked at where she was starring, it was Darkie, still tucked between in my arms.

“It’s not ‘That’. His name is Darkie”

I retorted.

A smile split her purple lips.

“I don’t see what’s so funny... And what is this place? Who are you?”

I said angrily. I didn’t like feeling mocked.

To my annoyance, my outburst made her chuckle.

“I’m sorry, young kin. I was simply surprised. It’s unusual to see someone come here with such a thing; even more so when coming to me.”

She looked me up and down

“It has been quite a while since I've had such a young rose visit me too.”

She composed herself, the smile now only a fleeting impression on her lips.

“I am Scorn. I am Hate. This is the evergreen immaterium. A better question would be what brings YOU here, young rose? The smell of Meiriem permeates you...”

I looked at her, confused.

Hate? She is Hate? But how..? Goldie wasn’t… And Darkie… I… I don’t want to hate them! They’re good!

This is wrong. This is wrong! Something isn’t right. There’s a mistake somewhere. Maybe I’m imagining this? I can’t hear so this must be an illusion! Maybe I’m dreaming! Yes this must be all a dream.

As I looked around in confusion, I felt her long fingers grab my chin and tilt my head upward. Her eyes locked with mine once more.

“Ah. I see.”

She said flatly.

I moved my chin away.

“You have experienced it. You know what hate is.”

She said without an ounce of doubt in her voice...

...But it was all in my head.

I can’t hear so what she’s saying is not true. I don’t want to hate people! I… I just don’t want to be hurt.

“Yes. This must be very confusing to you.”

Ignore it. Ignore it.

She’s not actually saying anything. It’s in your head, just like when Darkie talks.

“This is the immaterium. Physical pain and illnesses have no effect here. Only things that are bound to your soul appear here.”

She tilted her head.

“It seems you have yet to accept deafness as part of you. Yet, somehow, this Darkie, as you call it, has been bound. It is curious how a young kin’s mind work.”

I looked up at her, panicked.

“Death Ness? What’s that?! Am I dying?!”

She chuckled in earnest.

“No, of course not. Deaf is simply the word used to describe your handicap. For those who cannot hear. It is not truly an illness… Moreso, the consequence of one. Poor child, you were truly kept in the dark weren’t you?”

Some things clicked in my mind. Handicap. Yes, that word I had heard before at church. So that’s what it meant… But… Wasn’t that something bad people had? Divine.. Uh.. Distribution..?

“Is that why the bishop hit me?”

Her smile broke.

“Young kin. Please look into my eyes.”

“I don…”

“I said look!”

Her voice shook something in me. My mind lost control over my body and my head turned on its own. My eyes locked once more. The cross shaped irises stared deep into my eyes as if digging right into my soul. I felt cold sweat run down my back and my eyes stung as they were forced to stay open, unblinking.

Finally, she closed her eyes and I regained control over my body. She remained that way for a moment and took a deep breath before opening her eyes again and smiling at me vaguely.

“I am sorry young kin, I didn’t mean to scare you. It seems there are things I did not know that occurred in the world.”

She reached her hands out to me.

“Regardless. Are you now ready for your baptism, young kin?”

I didn’t quite understand what was going on, but I sure wasn’t ready for any baptism!

“I...I’m sorry, but I don’t think I belong here. I don’t want to hate people.”

Her eyes looked sad for a moment.

“Yes, a common misunderstanding.”

Scorn gracefully sat down on an immaterial chair while one sprouted underneath me. This brought our eye level closer and I could finally tell the delicate traits of her face. When I had imagined Scorn, I had always expected a face contorted by anger, but instead her face felt soothing.

“Let's talk a bit. What does hate mean to you?”

“It means… It means hating things. Hating what the gods created. Hating people.”

I said hesitantly. It felt like such a simple word that it was difficult describing it without using the word itself.

“Well, what if I told you that, sometimes, that was necessary?”

Necessary to hate people?

“I don’t understand.”

She smiled knowingly and gently grasped my hand.

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“I don’t blame you. Hate is a word, but it is not the full meaning. What I represent and bring to the world, is not the ability to despise others. That is simply an emotion. What I bring, is the ability to separate, to split things apart. As you’ve probably learned at church in the past: before I came to be, everything was always together…”

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

I interrupted her, confused.

“Well, it should have been... but not in practice. When life is forced to be together; it hurts itself, it suffers and then hurts those close to it. Those we hurt the most, are those we are closest to.”

I felt a sting. Not in my head or my heart. In my soul.

“Love is the indiscriminate appreciation for life, for creation, but what about loving something too much? Becoming obsessed and obstinate; hurting the other things you love in the process. That’s when hate comes in. Hate pushes this love away and breaks the shackles of obsession. It allows one to liberate themselves. Hate is what allows one to fight back, to point out injustice and fight those who seek to exploit it. Hate is just as important as love. Because when love is twisted and misplaced...”

She delicately lifted my sleeve, revealing the countless scars, stains and bruises on my arm.

“...It becomes part of you. Young rose, love should never hurt so much."

Was it true? Did love do this? I… I thought love was something good..? Something to be celebrated, but did love really do this to me?

I felt my eyes itch. I didn’t know what to think. Will love always end like this? I looked down at Darkie.

Will he also eventually hurt me? Will Jade hurt me again? Will Goldie…

A palm rested on my head. It’s warmth spread through my body, releasing the pent up worries and turning them into tears. I looked as my tears slowly landed on Darkie. His big golden eyes troubling my mind. I… I don’t know.

“Young kin. I said that hate is just as important as love, but the opposite is true. Hate needs love just as much as love needs hate.”

I felt scared.

“But… Won’t I be hurt again?”

I asked as I lifted my head to meet Scorn’s eyes.

She smiled sadly.

“It is likely. That is the nature of existence. A mysterious cycle of love and hate, life and death, chaos and order. No one can stop this cycle, you can only learn from it.”

“So… It’s okay if I love Darkie?”

“Yes.”

“Jade?”

“Yes.”

“Hare?”

“Yes.”

“...Goldie?”

She smiled.

“Of course.”

I dried my tears. There were a lot of things I was still unsure about, but there was one thing I was certain…

“I think I’m ready for my baptism now.”

Scorn nodded and the chairs slowly dissolved underneath us. We stood in front of each other and I grabbed her extended hands.

“Please repeat after me.”

I nodded.

She closed her eyes and began reciting.

“I will not be trampled.”

“... not be trampled.”

“I will not trust those who seek to deceive me.”

“... not trust those who seek to deceive me.”

“I will not be abused.”

“... not be abused.”

“I will push back.”

“...l push back.”

“I will expose those who deceive”

“... expose those who deceive”

“... fight those who abuse.”

“I will fight those who abuse.”

“I will hate for hate will drive me forward.”

“...And I will hate for hate will drive me forward.”

She opened her eyes and looked at me.

“Young kin, what is your name?”

“Silika.”

“Silika, you are now a kin of Scorn. Hate will become your weapon and as such, I grant you my blessing.”

Scorn chuckled to herself.

“Although it looks like someone already granted that for me…”

I was about to question her cryptic words, but she interrupted me.

“Now go, Silika. Spread the meaning of hatred… And take good care of yourself.”

The darkness around us started to dissipate.

“Will I ever see you again?”

I asked hurriedly.

She again gave me a fleeting smile.

“Who knows? Maybe our paths will cross again someday.”

I nodded sadly as the darkness disappeared.

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