Chapter 44: 42. What is a father?

The birds will hear you

 

Without a moment's warning, Silika collapsed right before my eyes just as I entered the house.

“What’s going on?! Alzan! Call the doctor immediately!”

I ordered the head butler who, without hesitation, rushed out of the door.

I looked back at Silika, but her expression was blank.

“Uhng…”

She let out unintelligible noise as tears pooled in her eyes.

Panicking I tried to reach out to her, but she fell backward, a terrified look in her face. At her side, I noticed Gelsare’s daughter panicking as well.

Was today the day she was starting as her playmate? I should have been there for that…

The girl tried to reach out to Silika, but I stopped her with a hand movement.

“Don’t. It might make it worse.”

I turned back to Silika.

“It’s okay sweetie. There’s no bad people around.”

I said out loud as I approached her.

I knew she couldn’t hear it, but Delian had recommended doing so anyway.

He explained that acting in a calm and kind manner when Silika panicked would help her feel less threatened and keep me from panicking as well, but her eyes remained the same, focused on an empty point in front of her.

“Hnnnnnnngggg…..”

She started wheezing and moaning painfully.

A passerby could easily mistake it for the cries of a dying animal. Never would they have guessed that its true nature was much more morbid.

“There’s no monster, Silika. I took care of all the bad people today. No one can hurt you now.”

I said as I carefully walked toward her, but she panicked again and fell over to her side as she tried to back away.

“Uh Syieee!”

She suddenly yelled in my direction, fear plastered across her face.

Was she afraid of me?

“It’s me, Silika! Marshall! Lionheart! Dad!”

I said, but felt a pang of guilt at the last one, but dismissed the feeling. Now was not the time.

I kept walking slowly in her direction, but I could see her panic was climbing, what do I do? What would Delian do? What would the Bishop do?

“Ulh gooooo! Uh ta nu tu! Plea don…”

Her breathing became erratic. It’s about to happen. I need to act.

She opened her mouth, tears completely clouding her eyes and a painful expression straining her face.

There was no time left for hesitation.

It was only at that moment I realised that my hands were clasped tight from stress.

Without a moment of hesitation, I dropped everything, grabbed Silika and held her tightly.

“Oh Steinnher…”

I prayed and Immediately, Silika let out a piercing screech.

I rushed toward the second floor, toward her room, before anyone else got hurt.

“Oh Steinnher, lest I forget. Please, lest I forget.”

Luckily it seems Steihnner’s blessing was holding up, but how long?

I closed the door behind us and walked to the bed. Her screaming continued.

I’m scared.

Not for me, but for her.

What if this never ends? What if this pain never leaves her?

I shook away the thought. No not now. Silika needs me now.

There must be something.

I need a solution. I don’t know any blessings like the Bishop, so there must be something from the orphanage…

I remembered a story Delian told me about the first day he met Silika. The first time she panicked at the orphanage… It’s worth a try.

I cleared my throat and took a deep breath.

I need to be calm. I need to be steady. It won’t work if I’m not calm.

I took one last breath before starting.

“Please do not cry for me, The other birds will hear you…”

I sang as slowly and as calmly as I could

Her screams turned to wailing. I could feel the pressure on my ears becoming almost too much to bear but I couldn’t leave. Not without her.

I pushed on.

“And their tears as well, Will be shed but for you. I am but an ageing crow…”

She choked on her own voice and her breathing became raspy, but the screaming did not stop.

“...Whose wing can fly no more. And you are a young swallow, Who has yet to see the shore…”

Her arms started thrashing about uncontrollably and her head tilted up. I held on to her and gently grasped the back of her head so she wouldn’t hurt her neck.

“...So do not cry for me. The other birds will hear you. I have seen many dew. And have flown many winds…”

Between two screaming fits, Silika started coughing uncontrollably. I gently rubbed her back until her breathing started again.

“...Yet when I’m with you. I forget it all, but your grins.”

I took a deep breath as I held on to her. Tears were still flowing from her eyes as she cried, but the screaming seemed to have passed.

“So do not cry for me. Do not grieve for me. Do not shed tears for me. I want you to feel the wind. And your laughter to fill the clouds.”

Slowly the wheezing coming from her throat became quiet and her breathing became less erratic. I patted her back as I slowly rocked her side to side.

“When this dream becomes true. Only then, please sing a song. And I will shed your tears. While the other birds love you for me.”

By the time I finished the song, her breathing had steadied. She was still crying profusely and coughing painfully, but at least she wasn’t hurting anymore. I continued embracing her and sang back the song to her several times, until Alzan slowly opened the door and quietly walked to the bedside, water carafe in hand.

He poured a glass and brought it to me.

“For the lady, my lord.”

I nodded approvingly and slowly loosened my embrace with Silika. She sniffled and lazily wiped the tears from her eyes. They looked tired and unfocused.

She tried to look up at me, but it looked difficult and painful. I showed her the glass of water and she slowly nodded before grabbing it with both her hands. They looked unsteady so I supported the glass from the bottom so it wouldn’t spill. After a few long gulps, she gave the glass back to me.

“Shall I fetch the young lady Milie Gelzare, my lord.”

I glanced up at Alzan and then back down at Silika.

“Give us a few minutes.”

“As you wish.”

He bowed and gracefully left the room.

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

Now that things have settled down, I need to understand what happened. I was about to ask something from Silika, but her eyes were focused elsewhere.

I followed her eyes and spotted her bunny rabbit plush on the nightstand, Alzan had probably picked it up and placed it there. I stretched my arm and handed it to her.

[Agh shf gnn.]

She mumbled some words as she hugged it tightly.

I sat her down more comfortably on my knees before I addressed her.

-Why were you scared, Silika?-

I asked her.

She looked surprised at my question and looked up at me, almost as if to tell whether I was being honest. She stared straight into my eyes for a few seconds before looking down and looking at her hands.

-The stick.-

She simply said.

-What stick, Silika?-

-The horse stick.-

Horse stick… Does she mean the horse crop? I was holding one when entering the house, but…

-Why are you scared of the horse stick?-

-It hurts.-

I guess it does, but so do swords and knives… She’s never been scared of those.

-Horse sticks are only for horses. They’re don’t hurt humans.-

She looked up at me again. Straight into my eyes.

-They hurt me.-

I suddenly felt sick.

As she moved her hands, the collar of her dress shifted and I saw the long streak on her collarbone. The same that covered her entire body.

I had spent many nights wondering what could have been used to cause such injuries, and now… I know.

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I almost wish I didn’t, but I needed to.

I need to understand her pain so I can deserve to be called her father.

A small bit of tears formed in the corner of her eyes, but she whipped it away quickly and looked down at her rabbit plush.

“I gdw gnn.”

She whispered to it. Sometimes I wish I could switch places with it and be the one she whispered all those secrets to.

She sat there quietly.

I wanted to reassure her, but the words didn’t come to me, or rather, I felt as though I wasn’t the right person to tell them to her.

I looked up at the door. I could hear the sound of shifting cloth. The girl and Alzan must be waiting.

“You can come in.”

It was not a moment later that Alzan and Milie Gelsare entered the room. I could tell the girl had been crying. Despite being twice Silika’s age, I guess she’s still a child.

They approached us and Milie kneeled at the side of the bed facing Silika.

-I sorry! I sorry! You okay?-

Silika looked at her for a moment and nodded.

“You didn’t do anything wrong Milie, don’t worry.”

I told the girl as I lifted Silika and sat her on the bed.

“I’m glad t’hear it, m’lord. Will Sil–... Will m’lady be alright?”

Truly a Gelzare. She speaks the same way her father does.

I nodded.

“She will. Please take good care of her from now on.”

She bowed respectfully.

“I will, m’lord. Thank you for trustin’ me.”

She declared before turning back to Silika and yet again asking her for her well being.

I looked at Silika as well.

I should say something here. Something that sounds reassuring and father-like…

I placed my hand on her small pink head which surprised her and she turned to me.

-Be strong, okay? I’m always there if you need my help.-

Silika seemed unsure about something for a second but then nodded.

-Okay.-

I turned to Stash and Milie and smiled.

“Why don’t we have Silika take a bath? I’m sure it would make her feel better after a long day.”

“Well advised, sir. I will have the maids bring a tub and hot water. I’m sure Ms Gelzare wouldn’t mind attending?”

Milie nodded at the suggestion.

“I don’ mind, sir.”

I turned back to Silika and smiled.

-I will see you at dinner, okay?-

She had a complicated expression on her face, but she eventually nodded.

-Okay.-

I stood up and after smiling at them one last time I left the room followed by Alzan.

We walked some distance before I said anything.

“Anything to report?”

The butler nodded seriously.

“I left a more complete report on your desk related to the ‘meat’ matter, if you wish to consult, but I fear it raised more questions than it answered.”

“Elaborate.”

Alzan opened the door to my office on the third floor and closed the door behind us. I picked up the report he left on my desk. As I started reading he explained.

“From my current understanding, I believe that the lady’s ability to digest meat products comes from the heavily carnivorous diet of her strong Seeir ancestry counteracting her obvious Meiriem descent…”

“Wait, Seeir? Are you sure you understood right?”

I interrupted him to which he nodded.

“Positive, my lord. As a matter of fact, it is the Scorn blood which appears to be completely absent from her family tree.”

I took a moment and read over his notes. There truly was nothing remotely hinting at Scorn blood. Perhaps she’s an illegitimate child. Could this be the reason behind...?

“There are two more things, my lord.”

I looked up from the paper, finally understanding why he had waited until I was seated to explain everything.

“Speak.”

He nodded and continued.

“The lady claims her eyes weren’t always gold but were instead silver.”

I nodded.

“Post-natal trait development. I’ve heard of it, although I heard it only occurs in infants.”

“As you just said, my lord. It is suspicious that this process occurred to a child her age.”

I rubbed the stubbles on my chin.

“Theories?”

He shook his head sadly.

“None that are too pleasant. We may wish to consult a physician… Speaking of which, the doctor you requested is still here. Shall we have him examine the lady?”

I nodded.

“Please do. Also mention the trait development, but double his pay to make sure he keeps quiet. We don’t need my daughter’s heritage becoming public knowledge on the information market.”

The butler bowed and started heading for the door.

“Wait. You mentioned there were two more things. What’s the other?”

“Oh, by Diid, I almost forgot! When I questioned the lady regarding her Scorn heritage, she brought up something interesting. Apparently, she has only ever met a single scorn descendant in her life before… Well before. A maid who lived in the same household who she grew very close to. She’s the one who made the rabbit plush the lady is always carrying around.”

Alzan turned to the door and started leaving, but turned back toward me one last time.

“She seemed… Quite fond of her.”

After a moment of hesitation, he gave an uncertain nod and closed the door behind him.

I once more read Alzan's notes and as he said, this answer brought on just as many questions.

There were a lot of information we had already gathered on Silika beforehand, but this was something new.

From her mannerism and the information Delian had disclosed, she appeared to be from a noble household, most likely in the eastern part of the kingdom. They appeared to have been assiduous Meiriem believer, which in turn has made Silika spiteful of the religion.

Her deafness is also not innate and would have been acquired as a result of some accident in the last year or so.

Lastly, we know for a fact that both her mother and father were the main perpetrator in her mistreatment.

I had tried to get more information out of Delian, who apparently had had a direct correspondence with at least one member of the original household, but he was bound by a blessed contract to never disclose past information regarding the orphans beyond what these ones had allowed.

For their own safety.

I let out a long sigh, dug through my desk, and pulled out a carafe of whiskey and a glass. I poured the copper liquid into the glass and spun it a few times before taking a sip.

I felt the alcohol spread from my throat to my whole body.

It might not resolve issues, but it sure made the symptoms more manageable…

What a day.

At least the Green Palace had paid off and the heir issue was taken care of.

As of today, Silika was officially recognised as Lilica’s and my daughter.

The official story was that Silika was born shortly after Lilica and I first got married in secret some six years ago and that she had been kept a secret and lived with distant relatives until we could get our partent’s approval for marriage, but Lilica died before this came to pass. After the fact, she had been sent in hiding at a local orphanage until she could be arranged to come live with me.

The story had just the right amount of lies, truth, and uncertainty to grease the right people’s pockets and let it pass as official in front of the court.

Of course, I could now expect the same doubts coming from Lilica’s family and my own, but I was confident it wouldn’t be an issue… As long as I get Silika to correlate it.

I’ll have to earn her trust first before we do that.

I let out a sigh and took another sip from my drink.

I think I underestimated Delian’s words from back then.

I had thought he meant that Silika was temperamental or simply moody, but now I understood the real meaning of his words.

It was one crisis after another. Anything could send her into a panic and one misplaced word could see her mood spiral down.

I always feel like I’m doing something wrong and I know I’ve been relying on Alzan too much…

I need to start acting like an actual father, but I’m afraid that I’ll fail…

Or worse, that I’ll hurt her.

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