Chapter 52: 50. The meaning of family

I couldn’t sleep. 

It was so late when we got back that once Mili had brought me to my room, she had immediately tucked me into bed, but so many things had happened that I couldn’t settle down.

Things were bouncing around my mind. Who was the old man downstairs? What about the strange one at the theatre? Why did he give me a signet? Why did dad not like it? Why were the Mȓs so nice to me? Was it because I was deaf? Did the boy like me?  Why did the count bow to dad? Were any of these things good? Bad?

I sat up and held Darkie in front of me.

[What do you think?]

I asked him, out of idea.

“Maybe it’s better to think that everything is a good thing?”

He suggested hesitantly.

[That would be easier… But can we really trust people to be good? What if the Mȓs actually want to hurt me? Or dad?]

“Why would they?”

[Because… Hum… Well what about the weird man?]

“Well dad said signet are something you give to very good friends. So maybe he just really really likes you?”

[But how does that make sense? I never met him before…]

“Maybe he met YOU before.”

[I think I would remember an ugly man like him.]

“That’s not a nice thing to say!”

[But he was ugly!]

“...”

[... Okay, I’m sorry.]

I let myself fall back on the bed.

[What about the M boy?]

“What about him?”

[He held my hand…]

“...And?”

[And I remember hearing that you only hold hands with someone you want to marry…]

“But don’t you hold hands with Mili all the time? You also hold hands with with Jade and Hare. You always hold Lionheart’s hand and even Stash!”

[...Uh… I guess you’re right. Maybe you CAN hold hands with someone without marrying them.]

“See?”

[Okay. You’re right...] 

I turned to my side and looked out the window.

[But what about the man downstairs?]

Darkie fell silent for a moment.

He was a mystery. I had never seen him before. Neither dad nor Mili had told me anything about him. What did his arrival mean?

“...Why don’t you just ask Lionheart?”

I sat up again at the realisation.

[You’re right! I can just ask him!]

But I was suddenly reminded of the time. Wouldn’t he get mad if I was up during sleep time?

“Didn’t he say you could come see him if you had a nightmare again?”

[But I didn’t have a nightmare…]

“...Does he know that?”

[...Darkie, you are a genius!]

Having made up my mind. I slowly lowered myself out of bed. I made my way to the door and peeked outside. The hallway was empty. I slowly stepped out, being careful not too accidentally slam the door behind me. Mili always complained that the doors were very noisy in the mansion. I then went up the stairs.

I rounded the corner and was surprised to find dad standing in the middle of the hallway. He was facing the door that led to the portrait room lantern in hand, looking anxious. 

I stopped. Suddenly I wasn’t sure if I should bother him. It felt as if he was already deep in thoughts with his own issue. Perhaps I should just go back to my room and ask tomorrow.

I started turning around, but I felt the wood beneath my feet creak underneath my weight. Lionheart turned in my direction and noticed me immediately. He walked hurriedly in my direction. He put down the lantern and picked me up.

-Did you have a nightmare?-

He asked me with a worried expression.

I didn’t know what to answer. 

Suddenly I didn’t feel like lying anymore. Maybe that would make him sad.

I shook my head.

-You couldn’t sleep?-

I looked up at his face surprised. 

-Yes.-

He smiled sympathetically.

-Me neither.-

He couldn’t sleep either? So it’s normal?

He came up to me tucked me in his arms. He started walking toward the office, but stopped midway and stared at the closed doors of the portrait room. After some hesitation. He faced the doors proper and opened them.

He sat me down a table in the center of the room and took out matches from the drawer. He slowly made his way around the room, lighting up one lantern at a time until the whole room was illuminated by soft yellow light. He put down his own lantern on the table, picked me up once more and walked toward the portrait at the center of the room.

The portrait depicted a rugged man with short red hair and deep blue eyes.

-This is… ᐊln Ashbrook. He is the count of Clotop. A once renown warrior, one of his majesty’s most loyal servants and the wisest man I know…-

He took a deep breath.

-...He’s also my father.-

Lionheart’s father. I could see the resemblance. Strong jaw, intense look, yet softness in their eyes.

Lionheart walked to the next portrait.

-This is Ḿr Ashbrook. The most patient woman to have graced this world. She was not only a talented diplomat, but also an artisan whose skills with the brush were sought throughout the kingdom. She was also my mother.-

Was.

The woman had wine red hair and golden eyes. Her expression was calm and loving.

I felt a tinge in my heart. So Lionheart’s mom died…

He continued walking telling me about the different portraits and their family relations. Some were ‘are’ and others were ‘was’. Each time, there was a ‘was’, I could see the sorrow deepen in his face. 

He then reached his own portrait.

-This is Mrshl Ashbrook. I don’t have anything good to say about him right now unfortunately.-

Without any more comments he continued to the next portrait. 

I had seen it before with Mili.

The woman had long silver hair and eyes her face seemed especially happy. It stood out from the other portraits which had more dignified expressions.

-This is…-

He stopped signing for a moment to clear his throat.

-This is Ĺĺc Ashbrook. She was the kindest, happiest, most beautiful woman I had ever met. When she entered a room, it was as though a kindling had just appeared. Her smile was radiant, her laughter healing…-

He looked down at me with a sad smile.

-...She loved everyone. Especially children. If she had met you…-

He stopped signing again and quickly wiped the corner of his eye.

I could tell how difficult it was for him to tell me all of this.

-...She would have adored you! She would have been the best mother… The best mother this world has ever seen…-

He took a deep breath and continued.

-She was my wife. She died last winter. She was pregnant with our first child.-

When I heard this, I felt a pit dig itself in my stomach. 

Guilt overwhelmed me. I remembered the first time I had seen the portrait with Mili. The jealousy that had taken me over and the relief I had felt when I learned she wasn’t here anymore.

-I’m sorry…-

I signed, the guilt gnawing at me.

He continued, probably thinking I was giving him my condolences.

-Don’t be. I know they are looking over me. Over us. And that they love us very much.-

Did they, though? Does that make sense? Maybe they hate me for taking their place. 

I could feel my eyes becoming prickly, but did my best to not let it show. He then continued moving past the portrait to an empty spot. He slowly sat down on the floor.

-And this is where your portrait will go.-

He helped me turn around and face him.

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-Silika. I’m sorry. What I’m about to ask you is difficult. And I understand if you don’t want to but…-

No dad, please don’t be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry about.

I put my hand on his and smiled as much as I could manage. I could feel my lower lips shaking, but his hands stopped trembling and he continued.

-Silika. I told you about my dad. About my mom. About my whole family, my wife and daughter. I don’t want these things to only be mine anymore. You’re my daughter now and nothing will change that, but I would like my family to become your family as well.-

He stood up again and started walking around the room while looking at the paintings.

-I want my father to become your grand-father. I want my mother to become your grand-mother. I want my cousins and uncle to become your uncles and great uncles…-

He stopped again in front of the portrait of the silver-haired woman.

-I want Ĺĺc to become your mother…-

I felt… Strange. My mind was full of thoughts yet none of them seemed to make sense.

I looked at the portrait. Her name was Ĺĺc. 

[Li… Li… Ca…]

Yes, like me my name. Just without the ‘Si’.

I looked at her. Her eyes. Her smile. She looked… Nice. Warm. Kind. Somehow, I could tell form the portrait that dad was probably not exaggerating  when he was praising her earlier. You could feel her joy through the painting.

Yet she’s gone.

Another pang of guilt. I reflexively rubbed my chest. I felt like my body was about to burst, but I kept looking at her.

-Can you put me down?-

Lionheart nodded and let me stand on my own. I approached the painting. It was high on the wall, so i had to stretch my neck to see her.

I turned back toward Lionheart.

-I was bad.-

I declared  as I felt tears pooling in my eyes.

Lionheart looked disconcerted. He tried to approach me, but I stopped him with a sign of the hand.

-I was jealous. I think Lilica’s prettier. I think she’s nicer. I think she’s better… So I was jealous. I’m still jealous. I wanted dad just to myself without thinking about who dad likes and who likes dad. I wanted to have you all to myself.-

I looked at the portrait again. 

Why did she suddenly look so nice. Why did I feel like the portrait would come to life and pick me up and hold me in her warm arms? Why was I imagining this? 

-People shouldn’t be nice to bad people. It hurts them. You always get hurt when you like bad people.-

It made me angry… And that made me angrier since I didn’t want to be angry! I wanted to be sorry!

-And it’s not the only time I’ve been bad. Actually, I’ve been bad a lot. I always cry. I always make trouble for Mili and Stash. I complain about everything…-

The tears were dripping from my eyes, but I didn’t want to cry! When you do something bad you shouldn’t cry, it’s the others who should be crying because you’ve been bad!

I roughly wiped my face with my sleeve.

-I was bad before as well! At the orphanage, I got into fights a lot. I was mean to other kids and always bothered Jade because I was bored. I broke things all the time and complained about the food and– and always made Hare worry!-

I slammed my fist against my thigh in frustration. 

Why am I so much trouble? Why am I so annoying? Why are people nice to me? I don’t deserve people being nice!

-And– And before that! I was bad! I was very very bad!-

I pointed at my ear.

-I can’t hear things because I was bad! I wanted attention! I wanted people to praise me! So I climbed really high and broke my ears! I was bad! I hurt me and then I hurt everyone! And then I was punished! And I deserved it because I’m a bad girl!-

The tears became too much. I had to stop so I could dry them up, but they just wouldn’t stop. Why am I always crying? I don’t want to cry!

I looked up at Lionheart, tears making his face blurry.

-Why do you want a bad girl to be part of you family?-

Lionheart went on his knees and came closer to me. 

-Because I’ve been bad as well.-

His face, were stained in tears, but he wasn’t hiding it.

-I was a bad dad to Silika. I was distant. I didn’t take care of you well. I was selfish. I didn’t think about things well and you got hurt. And before I met you I was bad too. I didn’t work. I didn’t write to my own dad and I didn’t take care of the house.-

He said while motioning toward the hallway.

I was reminded of the first time I was visiting the house with Mili. The first time I saw Lilica’s portrait and became jealous. The house was dirty. There was dust everywhere. The main hall was messy and uncared for…

-I was also a bad person before that. I was a coward. I didn’t take care of Lilica. I was scared of her father and could never confront him. I was bad to her… And she died because of me. If I…-

I hugged him tightly so his hands would stop. 

I didn’t want him to say anything more. I didn’t want him to badtalk my dad even if it was himself. I held him as hard as I could for as long as I could. I could feel him trembling slightly as I did.

When I finally released my grip, his tears had mostly dried up as opposed to mine. He looked up to me.

-So if we’ve both been bad. Is it okay to become family? Become better together?-

He asked again.

Unable to do anything else, I nodded through my tears and it was his turn to hug me.

After I had calmed down, I left the room in Lionheart’s arms.

-Lets get you to bed, it’s getting late.-

-...Don’t wanna…-

I signed weakly, still tearfully.

-What do you mean ‘don’t wanna’?-

-I want to sleep with dad tonight.-

I answered as I held on to his chest.

He hesitated for a moment and mumbled something to himself before turning back to me.

-Only for tonight.-

He said with a calm smile.

-Okay…-

I wanted more, but I already said I would try being better.

He took the stairs down and went down the long corridor. He opened the door to his room that had since been cleaned and put in order.

He tucked Darkie and I underneath the sheets before laying down beside me.

It was nice. My bedroom always felt empty, so I had always dreamed of sleeping in the same bed, but he had always slept at his desk or sitting on the sofa even while I was recovering from my cold.

How did he do that anyway? It had to be uncomfortable… At least tonight he will sleep on the bed so it should be fine.

-Silika?-

Lionheart signed in the air just as I was dozing off.

I turned my head toward him, but he kept staring at the ceiling.

-Grand-dad is dying.-

The pit in my stomach dug itself again.

So this is why he said all this… I inched myself closer to him and snuggled into his chest. As much for me as for him.

-Is that why the man downstairs came?-

I asked Lionheart whom nodded.

-He’s your great-uncle, your grand-mother’s brother.-

He turned and looked me in the eyes.

-He came because he didn’t want me to regret not seeing my father one last time before he was gone.-

His eyes were glassy as he signed those words.

He felt guilty.

-Are you leaving?-

I asked, worried.

-We’re leaving. The two of us. When grand-dad dies…-

He stopped moving his hands for a moment.

-...When grand-dad dies, I have to take-over the land. We can’t stay in Evergreen anymore.-

He explained slowly.

Leaving Evergreen? But… Everyone I love is in Evergreen.

-Where will go?-

I asked, still in shock.

-In Norland. To the Ashbrook’s family ancestral land; the county of Clotop.-

 

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