Chapter 38: Arc 2, Ch.12: I- (Part 1)

I didn’t want to confess.

The night had been terrible even though I was incredibly tired after the pool. I couldn't fall asleep, tossing and turning, then finally falling into a light slumber.

It hadn't even taken me an hour to wake up, the feeling of wanting to throw up churning my insides. I wanted to retch again.
I wasn't sure that I wouldn't actually start throwing up my dinner so I snuck into the bathroom, locking myself in and sitting on the ground next to the toilet.

I was tired. Very tired. I was fighting with keeping my eyes open and my mind was hazy, but the feeling of my stomach up in my throat was keeping me from sleeping. My body felt too hot and too cold.

I actually knew those symptoms. I hated them badly, but it wasn't the first time, and it liked to happen in the earliest morning hours after midnight, which was all the more terrible.

I wasn't a very stable person, mentally. Hamada - our doctor - had agreed with that years ago already.
If I panicked, then it was bad, rendering me completely unable to do anything. 

Logic couldn't help me.
What could happen? He could reject me, but that would just throw us back to how we were before, nothing worse. It wasn't like my health was in danger, or my family, or my friends, but my brain ignored any sensible coaxing once again.

I swallowed a pill to calm the feeling of sickness, leaned against the bathtub and waited for it to work before crawling back into my bed. I dreaded the morning, and when it came, I didn't feel any better.

I was stressed and exhausted, my forehead constantly creased in a frown and my palms were sweaty. I had stolen some of Daichi’s clothes to look not quite out of place in the nice setting, but I sure felt out of it. The whole way to the park was pure hell, although the park didn't care about my feelings and just looked beautiful.

Once more, sunset on the river, flowers, blah. Movie setup. 

I was waiting on a bench looking towards the river, debating how I - this bag of nerves - could manage even a single coherent sentence today. I sure knew the system wasn’t planning on helping me this time. My hand was resting on my stomach as I sat, hoping to keep it calm.

I had come way too early, over half an hour, but I couldn’t just stay at home anymore.
Five minutes of waiting and I was already regretting the decision considering my brain was drawing a complete blank on how to proceed.

I had invited him here, now what? What did I want to say? What did I expect?

My brain was so filled with useless questions, would I even be able to react to whatever he’d say?

Time passed painfully slow, aching, and I kept on staring at the clock on my phone. It wasn’t even close to the time we had said so I shouldn’t be expecting him here yet but I looked anyway, unable to calm down.

Fidgeting and breathless I sat there, the beautiful scenery completely bypassing me, until I heard steps approach.

Too early, as well, but by now not overly much too early.

Mizuki wandered over from behind me, plopping down onto the free space without looking at me. I was grateful he didn’t greet me, I didn’t think I could manage a normal sounding ‘Hi’. However, it did make the whole mood even weirder.

My pulse was unhealthily high. I rubbed my hand on the side of my pants, staring down at the grass. It was pretty out here. I just would prefer it if I wasn’t in a panic.

A few small birds hopped close, twisting their little heads to see if we had some food for them. Used to humans as they were, they didn’t mind me watching them.

We weren’t talking, which did say a lot about the whole situation. Coming here and not even saying something, that kind of unusual thing, it really meant that both sides should at least vaguely have the same idea about what was going to happen.

I scratched my fingernail over the seam of my pants, repeating the motion without being able to stop, the small tremble of the uneven surface transmitting through my nail into my fingertips.

Don’t want to, don’t want to. My brain didn’t acknowledge the possibility of having a successful confession. No matter how I tried to rationalize it, I expected to be cruelly rejected and the topic known by everyone by tomorrow. My thoughts spiraled downwards, imagining the answer I might hear, the disdain of others.

I knew Mizuki wasn’t the type to do such a thing. He wouldn't reject a honest, reserved confession violently and neither would he tell others about it.

But my brain was obnoxious, single-mindedly saying that I would destroy a nice friendship if I tried to say anything. Why would I risk this? Why wasn’t I content? Why had I listened to the system? Why-

I jolted. Mizuki’s face turned slightly to me, confusion showing in his eyes at the large motion, but I was sitting with my mouth agape.

Gone. It was gone.

Where was my menu button? Where was that stupid UI I had been seeing for weeks now?

It couldn’t just be gone, could it? It couldn’t-

If it had ever even been there-

I-

What if I had just imagined it? Imagined the points, the tips, the prompts? Imagined Mizuki’s reactions? Imagined him at all?

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There was no way. No way I could do this. I felt like retching, curling forward. My stomach was cramping, my whole body suddenly too hot for my skin, my vision to unstably considering I was sitting.

Or maybe I was swaying.

I couldn’t tell, the heavy stabs into my stomach taking up all of my attention.

No good. Absolutely no good. My body was overreacting but I couldn't control the fear creeping through every pore of my body, freezing me up completely. I wanted to get out of the situation, let myself calm down.

“Riku?”, came Mizuki’s voice tinged with worry.

There was still someone there, still someone asking. But was he worried? Maybe I just imagined the worry in his voice, maybe it was annoyance? Had he ever called me a friend? I couldn’t remember. Maybe I was just annoying him, maybe he was just tolerating me.

I stood up abruptly, my hand rubbing over my face, hard. I felt like I was going to tear off my skin, but I felt too uncomfortable to care. I just wanted to divert my discomfort elsewhere, somewhere that wouldn’t make me throw up.

I just shivered and turned to run away. Go, just go, away from all of this, away to somewhere where no one would see me or talk to me. Where I didn't have to worry.

I took a step forward, fully intending to break into a run, when I felt something tug at my jacket that made me halt immediately.

My eyes darted to the place where my clothes were pulled.

The fair hand extended from an arm that my eyes followed up, all the way until a beautiful, frowning face.

Mizuki didn’t even say anything. He pulled at my jacket once more, tugging me back, only letting his hand fall once I put down my slightly lifted foot. I stared at him, openly.

Black, fluffy hair over fair skin. Thin lips that looked slightly rough, rosy compared to the rest of his skincolour. A slender but athletic body, clothed in simple but stylish clothes.

And pitch-black eyes, like ink, shining with a blue hue when the light hit them right. Always carefully watching, filled with that admirable determination of not randomly bending down. That pair of eyes that reflected his character like a mirror.

Shit, I thought. I really do like him. I really have fallen so hard, can I ever crawl out of this hole?

But I didn’t even want to. I was comfortable where I was. I was comfortable being happy just seeing him, being delighted at every single smile, wanting to squeal whenever he allowed me to overstep a boundary he set in front of others.

Those boundaries, I wanted to test. Just a small feeling that fought against all the panic, alone, crawling up to my brain.
How far can I go before you push me back, Mizuki? How much of yourself are you willing to share with me?

“Hey”, I asked, my voice surprisingly steady, despite the fact that my blood was rushing in my ears. I was a bit too quiet, but his eyes were fixed on me and he heard it. “Can you allow me to like you?”

The side of his lips twitched upwards and I felt that delight bubble up again. He looked so nice, even with just this half of a smile. I loved seeing it. It made my heart throb so much that it hurt, but I loved the pain of it. If he could just smile like that, I felt that my heart could settle down.

“Can.”

I smiled, allowing my delight to form my lips. I was hardly registering his word or the meaning behind it, I was purely enjoying the sight of him standing in the park with that damned smile.

“Can you allow me to kiss you?”

Maybe I was being greedy, wanting someone like him. But greed is part of human nature.

He tilted his head, pursing his lips, though his eyes stayed alight. Not the dull look of being frozen.

“I’d only allow my lover to kiss me.”

He followed along with my play. Maybe that was just how us two were, uncomfortable with words. Why direct when you can dance around the issue?

“Oh”, I said, nodding in understanding. “Then, can you let me be your boyfriend?”

He stood up and I turned my body. Not just look back at him but stand in front of him. He tilted his head up to look at me, and for the first time ever, his face bloomed in an actual, gentle smile. The softest expression I had ever seen on his face, a smile of absolute peace, serene and comfortable. Tugging just the slightest bit at the edge of his lips and yet reaching his eyes, making them shine like polished, precious gems.

I just continued to stare, entranced.

“Sure.”

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