Chapter 50: Arc 2, Bonus: His thoughts + Author’s note

Having a boyfriend was a considerably weird thing for me.

For starters, I had no one to really talk about it.
Friends were a complicated thing for me anyway, but I had expected to be able to talk to my father about starting a relationship up until then. I had gotten to the point of wondering whether my mother wouldn't be a better choice.
My sisters were out of the selection. One, because she would be too annoying, the other, because I refused to trouble her with my problems.
So, in summary, a troublesome situation.

The second problem was my lack of knowledge on how to proceed.
Not that I didn't know how the physical part worked. There were completely different problems for me. I wasn't sure how I was going to react to any of it, wasn't sure how to pace, wasn't sure if there were any rules I wouldn't know of. The whole dating part was a mystery.

Third was Riku himself.
A bundle of strained nerves with a level of self-confidence that could plummet at a moment's notice, without any warning. 

It had been a surprise when he had invited me to the park, at least for a few seconds. After that, his whole body language had screamed 'What did I just do' for the rest of the day, so that was more what I had thought would happen.

I didn't expect him to break down so badly, however.

I knew from my sister what it looked like when someone got to the limits of their tolerance. I couldn't just force him to stay, but I knew that if I let him run, he'd avoid me forever and I couldn't allow that.

Somehow, I managed to get him to stay. He was trembling and unwell, but talking.
There was no sobbing, cheesy confession scene like in the movies. No direct affirmation of feelings at all, actually.

I felt I preferred it that way.

To my own surprise, I really was quite tolerant with body contact. Kissing and cuddling was comfort above anything else, excluding that one time where he overdid it and I felt the urge to strangle him out of sheer awkwardness.

...Well, he did accept my rules. I let it slide. It hadn't made me feel any discomfort, anyway.
My sister had managed to do that right afterwards, but not him.

In truth, I could feel myself getting terribly lazy with him.

It was a bit... unusual. Riku was straining himself to keep his hands off me, visibly, while I just let him spoil me.
He could have let me sit on his lap for hugs more often. He could have let me lean and doze on his shoulder even at school. He could have pulled me into his arms, or given me tiny kisses, or caress my hair at any time.

I wouldn't have rejected it.

But I somehow caught myself falling into a daze of letting him treat me like a precious little thing that needed to be spoiled, and had to stop myself from allowing it. It was no good to let myself go like that.
That's why I let him set the pace and watched how it would go.

My mother came into my room the night he had met them and sat down on the chair to talk to me.

She had said he was a good person. Awkward but honest, definitely suitable for me. That I had looked more peaceful and content lately, and that she thought it was because of him. That he would treat me well. That he really did love me.

I'm not blind, was my reply.

Because I'm not. Not blind, nor stupid.

His eyes would light up when he saw me. His grin would tug his lips upwards so far, his eyes would close with it whenever I did any loving gesture. He would watch me all day, circle around me to make sure I wasn't in need of anything, would listen to me talk like I was singing the most beautiful songs.

Really, everything he did was more of a confession than any words could have been, so from the start, I never felt worried.

My mother had been satisfied, but then questioned whether I thought my feelings were on the same level.

I couldn't answer that.
How would I know? Was I being too careless, just saying it was because I did not mind him touching me and that I enjoyed his company?

She chuckled at that.
My mother rarely laughed but I knew it was one of the things my father, or actually us all, adored about her. That light, carefree laugh that would show her teeth and cause her shoulders to tremble.

"Good. I would be more worried if you had started to sing me a lovesong", she had said.
"Wouldn't it be better that way? With all that stupid heart fluttering and everything?", I had inquired.

She shook her head with a smile.

"A first crush is always passionate. It's wild and unsettling. It only changes in time. For you, I think it is better to have just skipped all of it. What is it that keeps two people bound together, if not comfort? Isn't it the feeling of wanting to be by each other's side, to help carry the other's burden but to also have your own halved? If you feel that at his side is the most peaceful place you could be, then that is the type of love I have always wished for you. And while Riku is a bit more... giddy and nervous, I feel that at the root, his feelings are just like that."

Oh., I had just said. Is that so.

It felt a bit more complicated than what I had previously thought. People always made you think that I should be expecting butterflies and rainbows, fireworks, everything like that.

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In the end, she said, it didn't matter whether that feeling of comfort was wrapped within passionate explosions of joy or calmer waves. She, too, felt nothing but gentle warmth at seeing me happy. That didn't make her feelings worth less than anyone else's.

The next time I saw Riku and remembered the conversation, I went up to him and hugged him tightly.

He squealed.

He squealed often, to my amusement, since he acted like it was an overly precious thing for me to come over and give him a hug. Not even anything overly loving, just a hug.
I wondered whether he was just that easy to please, then realized that I was pleased with him being happy over it, and discarded the thought.

He had turned me into a bit of an idiot.

He was definitely colouring off on me.

If someone had ever told me I would go out with a guy, I would have rolled my eyes at them.
If someone had said I would willingly let that person take the lead, I would have scowled.
If someone had prophecied me that I would be head over heels to the point of letting that nervous idiot lead me by the nose just so that he would smile and be happy...
I think I would have left without gracing them another word.

There's a reason why Kirumi is gloating.
None of us would have expected that, alright? If I had that ability of foresight, I would use it more often.

It was definitely dangerous for me to lose my composure like that, especially since I hated losing control anyway.

But he was unhappy for days, worrying that Prez might have kissed me.
He planned a whole date just to suit my tastes.
He almost cried at the end of it because he was relieved that I liked it.

I lay in my bed, rubbing my temples.

Riku certainly thought that he was pushing me with a lot of things and was worrying that I wasn't truly feeling happy with what he was doing.

Well, surprise. Planned so meticulously and lovingly, you could have taken me to the weirdest exhibit in the world and I would have enjoyed it just the same.

God, have I become an idiot.

But better a happy idiot than a sad genius.

I unlocked my phone, quickly scanning my messages before closing the app.
Riku's screen (the one that only became visible after the phone is unlocked) was a picture of me dozing on his shoulder.

He had wailed when I had seen it, begging me to let him keep it while also apologizing for taking it without my consent and using it as his screen. Just because it had looked so cute, and because it made him happy, and anyway, couldn't I let him keep it, he would owe me one, and he definitely wouldn't sneak another picture...

I had shrugged and let him do it, mostly because my own screen was a picture of us sitting closely together while eating that his friend Yuji had sent me.

I wasn't going to tell him that or show him. I actually felt it was somewhat shameful, but I couldn't get myself to erase it and after several days, my brain had adopted a 'Well, whatever then' attitude.

Yuji kept on sending me pictures regularly, all taken at moments where Riku's attention was so focused on me that he didn't notice it being snapped. That also meant that the photos always had him looking delighted, eyes glowing with warmth.

I asked Yuji why he kept on sending me them.

"Make a folder", he answered. "To erase them some day when you've got the time. Just a random folder in a random folder. So that they're out of the way but you can still find them if you feel you have the minute to erase them."

His friends were rather peculiar, but I didn't dislike them.

I created that folder.

Riku didn't need to know that.

If the two of us kept being stupidly ecstatic like that, I wondered as I placed my phone away and turned off the light, then I would probably end up as one of the few lucky people whose first relationship would stay the one that accompanied them through their life.

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