Chapter 20: Chapter 19

I had started to grow used to my time here in Thailand. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned to months, and it is now February. I never stopped thanking Fah for basically getting me the job at the animal rehabilitation center. I loved working there, even if the commute took me two hours, I still didn't mind. My schedule was never set in stone, so some weeks I would work close to 30 hours, other times-only 16 hours. Regardless, it was a nice change from working in an office, or doing makeup. I pretty much just made sure the animals were fed and cleaned, and sometimes I would help out at their other location, and that one had more exotic animals, so that was really cool.

After my last paid day at the hostel, Fah felt bad and didn't want me to have to pay for more days, although I did not have a steady income yet, she let me move in with her earlier than planned. It was nice having my own room and I had fun living with Fah. Of course, there were a few times where she kept inviting me out to go bar hopping, and on one of those nights I must've mentioned my age, because after that she cooled off trying to get me to go out every night. Oh to be 30 and hanging out with people younger than you... Beth left back home during the holidays in December, but she just came back about a week ago. Now when I asked her where her home was, she responded, "In Europe." To this day, I still have no clue what her accent is.

Though things are looking better for me right now, I still have my anxiety and guilt. I still miss my husband, and I may not cry as much in my sleep anymore, that doesn't mean I don't cry when I am awake. Some nights I don't sleep at all, and I just slowly let the thoughts eat away at me like a disease, however there is someone that gives me a remedy. I never would've thought in a million years I would befriend a model. Yes, me and Beam still hang out.

That kid is something else. What model doesn't hang out with other models? I mean, I'm not an expert, but I always give him shit about that. He says, "You're more interesting." I think he just pities me, although who else would go out of their way to surprise me at work? And not even that, but we meet almost every other day just to talk about nonsense, like what we did the previous day, bitch about work, or talk about our problems.

I think I was a bit prejudiced before because I always thought that someone who comes from a good background and has good looks, has good money, and a good family-wouldn't have any problems, but I was being ignorant. Beam has tons of problems. He's insecure, incompetent, and he's constantly being put up on a pedestal from his family. He told me one day that he's never even had a girlfriend and that his family keeps bugging him when he's going to get married. I found out he's only 2 years younger than I am, still he hasn't even been in a real relationship, he shouldn't even be thinking about marriage yet. We'll talk about this for hours on end, and one day he asked me for advice; I told him, "Do what makes you happy." I was so pissed afterwards because I can't even practice what I preach. I've grown to like Beam a lot, so later on that same night after we parted ways, I called him, "Hey so remember what I said earlier?"

"Uh, you said a lot of stuff earlier."

"Okay smart ass! I meant the advice I gave you!"

"Oh, that! Yes I remember... Why? What's up?"

"Ignore what I said about doing what makes you happy... Beam, I can't even do that myself and I don't want you to end up like me; someone who doesn't know what happiness is... Sooo, my advice to you is... I don't have any advice..."

"That's helpful Tabi-"

"I'm not done talking! I was just going to say that I know you feel like you're not doing enough for yourself, and for the people around you, and that's normal to feel that way... You're only human. You need to learn to have self-compassion and that's being gentle with yourself, not beating yourself up over your past decisions. I've known you for like, what, 3 months now? I thought you were just some naive kid, yet when I got to know you more, I realized you are experienced... More than I am! I look up to you, Beam. You're funny, patient, thoughtful, honest, and sooo many more, but you get the jist. I dunno, take what you will with it, just know that everything I said is true and you have a lot to offer." There was silence on the other end. I thought the call might've dropped, so I spoke up again, "Uh, hello?"

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"Sorry-sorry... I'm still here. I was just absorbing everything you said."

"Oh. Okay..."

"... Tabi, that was probably the nicest thing you ever said to me."

"Damn, that's messed up! I poured my heart out and-"

"I didn't mean it like that! I meant it in a good way. I'm just kind of speechless. So for now, since I'm not sure how to convey my words, I'll say thank you. It really does mean a lot coming from you Tabi..."

"Hmmm, you're welcome." Both of us were quiet now. It felt kind of awkward after everything I said. Maybe it was too much? I needed to end this call before I say something stupid again.

"Okay, well that's all for now. So I'll talk to you later! Goodnight!"

"Oh-yeah... Uh, goodnight Tabi." God, I hope I didn't make him feel uncomfortable. That wasn't my intention, but coming from an older woman maybe it sounded creepy. Whatever. I already said it, and now I can continue with my nightly routine of being self-absorbed over my own unhappiness.

That was about 4 weeks ago at this point. Neither one of us brought it up again, and Beam continued to act as his normal self. I didn't care, or at least I pretended not to care. I don't know why it bothered me so much. He was just some kid that I had only known for a few months. I'm sure-actually I know, he hears praises all the time, so coming from me wouldn't matter anyways.

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