Chapter 62: 62

One day, her brother asked.

“Do you know who Madame La Pondue is?”

After agonising for a moment, Liloa gave a clear answer.

“Ah! The duke who ruled the principality of Daltin. A female duke.”

“How do you know her? She was overthrown within a few months of governing the principality. She has no achievements to her name.”

“Madame La Pondue’s admirable. She knew that once she got married, her wealth and status would belong to her husband. She didn’t like that, so she didn’t marry and became the Duke herself. But people accused her of killing her brothers and sisters in the past, so she was hanged.”

{ ‘What was the expression on my brother’s face at that time? My younger self was probably too engrossed in brushing the hair of her beloved doll, so she didn’t see, but now I could easily imagine.’ }

A lot had changed since that day. He began to call her a spoiled beast and was ashamed to even sit at the same table. He said it was intolerably barbaric for her to state her unfiltered thoughts as a woman. He tried to tame Liloa as if he were taming an animal, saying that her words and actions were comparable to that of a dog. He even feared that Liloa would marry untamed, so he personally set and directed a schedule to correct her. Liloa, tired of her brother’s harsh treatment, eventually pretended to obey. But no matter how silent she was or how low she kept her eyes, his madness only grew stronger with each passing year.

Her brother emphasised the word ‘patience’, one of the great virtues that a woman should possess. To nurture her patience, Liloa had to do all sorts of ridiculous things. It also didn’t stop with practising silence.

Physical pain, such as violence and punishment, wasn’t the only pain one could experience. Mental torture was no less than physical pain. As a child, Liloa’s soul had been locked in a terrible prison from a young age. She couldn’t read what she wanted to read, she couldn’t see what she wanted to see, she couldn’t hear what she wanted to hear and she couldn’t say what she wanted to say. There was no difference between that and having her actual tongue pulled out or her ears cut off. Of course, in reality, they were all still neatly attached. That was why her desire to enjoy her senses and abilities to the fullest constantly grew. She had the ambition to live as a human being, to enjoy the freedom to roll her tongue and release her soul into the world. But that natural and trivial fulfilment was withheld from her, it wasn’t even allowed for a single moment.

It raised a question within Liloa.

‘If everything would be cut off from me like this, why was I even born with eyes, nose, mouth, and ears? I’m born with the same characteristics as my brother, but why am I the only one to suffer from the pain of having my flesh cut off later in life?’

Liloa was plagued by such strange questions over and over again. But because she had no one to answer or listen to her questions, they piled up year after year and grew inside her. Nonetheless, her brother’s prison remained unchanged. The prison, which became narrower as Liloa grew, strangled her whole body.

———- End flashback ———-

Lil looked at the darkness. Standing somewhere in that darkness was Mortu, the god of death, who has followed her like a shadow since childhood. When her brother told her to shut up, he came and cut off her tongue. When her brother told her to walk gracefully, he came and took off her legs. He repeatedly detached and reattached Lil’s limbs until she began to walk in time with the music. After accidentally witnessing their stable keeper and her father’s mistress’ affair, she pretended she didn’t see it, but still, he came and plucked her eyes out.

But even now, despite having escaped her brother’s grasp, she still couldn’t get away from Mortu.

Lil crouched her body and sank deeply into the shadows.

‘If I hide in the darkness like this, then the god of death can’t recognize me, right? Will he pass by without noticing?’

Lil tightened her arms around her knees.

– Screech –

Reality penetrated her ears as Lil turned her eyes away and stared at the floor. Light squeezed in through the opening door. As the gap widened, the rays of light that had slipped in reached her feet. The thin light gradually spread and a clear voice was heard.

“Liloa.”

Lil raised her head. Cesar approached her crouching form and held out his hand.

“Where does it hurt?”

“It’s nothing.”

Cesar looked at her worriedly. Lil quickly shook away her memories before he noticed her melancholy and jumped to her feet. Her voice sounded resolute.

“You woke up early?”

Cesar, who still has his doubts, asked again.

“What were you doing here?”

“Oh, it’s no big deal. I was just thinking about the past…”

“… “

“Are you going to the marina?”

“…”

When Lil took a few steps toward him, Cesar came in and closed the door. Lil, who didn’t doubt that he had stopped by to go to the marina with her, stopped in wonder. Cesar walked across the room without giving an explanation and opened the shutters.

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“What are you doing?”

Cesar was silent for a while, not looking back. Lil had no difficulty guessing what he was thinking. His gestures signified that that story was about to come out again. But this time, Lil has no objection. The Bell Rock couldn’t sail due to a lack of crew and the southern seas would soon become a battlefield. In fact, even if the Bell Rock departed, it wasn’t clear where to go or what to do. She couldn’t say that she wanted to keep playing the part of a pirate.

Cesar opened his mouth with difficulty.

“Liloa. Only fifteen people have been filled in this week.”

“So?”

“That’s still less than half of the original crew.”

“So? What do you want to say?”

“Half of the League has the opinion that we should watch the Mondovi fleet’s movement for the time being without undertaking any activities. Liloa, we can’t guarantee long-term voyages as long as the Admiral’s roaming the southern seas. Why do you keep on recruiting?”

“If the Admiral comes as you said, there’s no guarantee that Panichi will be safe. So, what are we going to do? Stay here like sitting ducks?”

Lil walked nervously and sat down on the bed. Cesar walked over calmly and sat down next to her. His warm and tender hands took hers. With him acting like that, Lil felt like she could no longer vent her anger. After taking off her necklace, Cesar diligently collected her messy little hairs with his finger and put them behind her ear.

“Liloa. I love you.”

Out of habit, Lil instantly opened her mouth.

“I love you too.”

“Now, this kind of life… Can’t you see the end?”

Lil closed her eyes tightly. She pressed her lids hard in the hope to keep the tears at bay.

‘What can I say? The answer is already a given. It was clear from the beginning that Cesar didn’t rescue me to live a life of piracy. He still desires the life he had before. The life in which we’ll settle in a peaceful village and continue our overflowing love… Then one day, I’ll give birth to a child and we’ll raise that child… We’ll happily grow old together…’

Lil, who felt suffocated, struggled to answer lightly.

“It’s what we expected, right?”

“…”

In an instant, his face was filled with happiness. She could see it despite how faint it was. The sound of him exhaling in joy and the feeling of his breath on her cheek suffocated her only more. Lil wanted to turn her head.

“Okay… Give me time to think.”

Lil smiled at Cesar as he approached for a kiss.

Years ago, when Cesar invited Lil to go with him, the word ‘together’ reflected a very clear desire. Cesar asked her to go with him, but he didn’t say he’d set her free. Nevertheless, it was the unchanging truth that Cesar rescued Lil.

‘It feels like I’m in debt for the rest of my life. But does it have to be love?

Must the princess, saved from the monster by a brave knight, love the knight? Even if the princess never wished for his salvation and she never wanted his love? Rather, the princess warned him, don’t reach out to me. But the knight saved her and loved her anyway.

What should the princess do?

When she receives unsolicited salvation and unwanted love, and when she tells lies that she doesn’t want anything else, can she continue to pretend to believe that lie? Can she ignore him by pretending she doesn’t know? He who gave up everything for her salvation…’

“I love you…”

Lil lived in Mortu’s castle.

Mortu’s an undertaker and the god of death from ancient tales. When the men of the Empire gained reputation and fame, their grave sites would match their status. They would be buried with the best view, which could even lead to territorial disputes. But if they were married, they simply dug a hole next to it and had the coffins prepared for their wives to only fit the hole. Of course, because the woman’s body wasn’t measured, it could differ from the size of her coffin…

If the man returns home and thinks, ‘Uh, I think she’s a little too tall.’ Mortu would cut off her legs. If he thinks, ‘Hm, she looks a little overweight.’ Mortu would cut her torso. A woman’s body would be altered all her life, by severing her flesh and bones. And if her body didn’t fit into the coffin, it was mutilated even in death.

After reading Mortu’s ghost stories as a child, Lil suffered from the illusion that he was always following her. The experience of having her mouth closed and her legs controlled by someone else felt like Mortu cutting up her body. The god of death, who cuts bodies and makes them ready for their coffin, has mutilated Lil alive for as long as she knows.

‘Those who are trapped in such a situation, won’t they desire freedom?’

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