Chapter 79: 79

Lil smacked her lips and nodded. Seeing her do that even when she was drunk made him hope she was serious.

“I’ll accept it if you say no.”

 “…”

Of course, if that happens, he must continue doing what he doesn’t want to do. Just because Lil was sympathetic to the conquered, Cesar had to risk his life to rescue lowly slaves and loot Garni’s cargo for their livelihood. Cesar had to admit that he was somewhat exhausted. And as a person with beliefs and values quite different from Lil’s, it was difficult to follow her wholeheartedly.

Lil wanted to pursue her ideal, but Cesar believed that her ideal was in vain. Despite being sufficiently free, Lil yearned for something unfinished, distant, and out of her reach. In his eyes, she was already living her best life, doing everything she wanted to do, like running the Bell Rock. Cesar, therefore, hoped to use the Admiral’s voyage to the Southern Seas as a chance to make some compromises with her. 

‘She agreed too quickly, though.’

He wasn’t aware of it earlier today because he was so happy, but seeing Lil’s current state, he questioned whether she truly wanted this or that she saw it as another obligation to show him her devotion. 

‘If this is the case, it will be terrible and I need to let her know that I never intended to force her.’

“You can be honest. Don’t hold anything back.”

“Cesar…”

“Yes?”

“…It’s really okay…”

“…”

Lil, who muttered with her eyes closed, slowly rolled over to create space. She then pulled Cesar’s arm, led by her touch, he laid down next to her.

“…We’re leaving the port, so… now…”

Lil covered her eyes with his hand and closed them tightly. The hand holding his then slid down to her collarbone and shoulder. Seeing her losing focus again made Cesar feel as though he should no longer question her any further, so he also closed his eyes.

Lil was relieved when Cesar stopped talking because she didn’t want their conversation to turn into a war of attrition. They once got into a fight over the Bell Rock, it was then that Lil realised how uncomfortable Cesar was on the ship. At that time, no matter what he said, her relationship with him was clear from the beginning and the compromises they made turned out to be full of empty words. Either Cesar was going with her or Lil wasn’t able to board the Bell Rock at all. 

She pondered.

‘Isn’t there a place between the sea and the land?’

In her relationship with Cesar, Lil was an object*. And it became natural that she would never be a subject*. She was unable to speak out against it, it has been that way since Lil extended her hand in response to Cesar’s invitation for salvation. She may be the object, but she was also the one to choose their current phase, so she couldn’t bring herself to cross him. As a result, the man in power granted freedom to the object and the object was allowed to enjoy this limited freedom. There was no way back as Lil had already whispered to him when she reached her hand out.

{ ‘…Being a free object isn’t as bad, so just give me a piece of freedom…’ }

‘I was blinded at the time, if only I thought about it a little longer. Maybe I could’ve predicted this.’

Cesar’s love for Lil didn’t start at Lebrun. As a Lebrun cadet, she was her most radiant and beautiful self, but he showed her nothing more than respect. Instead, he declared his love when…

***

Feeling a burning thirst, Lil lifted her face buried in the pillow. For some reason her eyes were swollen and she struggled to open them. After rolling her eyes and wiping away some remaining sand, a piercing light permeated and stained her poorly opened vision.

‘… it’s morning?’

With no time to waste, she forced herself to open her eyes completely despite the tingling sensation. As a bright morning unfolded, Lil tried to get out of bed after kicking the white blanket.

‘Oh no, I need to get up… What?..’

A dizzy spell probably engulfed her when she raised her upper body too quickly because when she woke up again, her body had fallen backwards on the bed. Lil looked up at the cracked ceiling and pondered how she was in such a sorry state. With her throat feeling very dry and her stomach bloated, she recalled her memories from the night before. 

‘I was drinking, and…’

{ “…Captain!” }

“Damn it!”

Lil kicked hard on the bed, causing the blanket that was hit by her foot to fly into the air. 

‘Who said you lose your memory after you drink?’ 

Her memory which was moving through her head like a misty lantern wasn’t vivid, but the parts she did remember were embarrassing. Lil banged her pitiful bed with her fist after rolling over and burying her face in the blankets. Needles in the form of her shameful memories stung her fingertips and toes in an annoying way, so she clenched and unclenched her hands and feet.

Lil, who was lying on her belly and chewing on each word she’d shared with Ed as if it were raw pieces of meat, suddenly dashed to the restroom. She raised her head over the earthenware in an attempt to get rid of the leftover alcohol that was still influencing her emotions, but all that came out was foul stomach juice. She then returned to the room, wiped her mouth violently, and drank the entire bucket of water that had been placed on the drawer next to the window.

Her thoughts seemed to calm down as soon as the cool liquid spread throughout her stomach. However, it didn’t help with her fever. Lil moaned a sigh, resting her hand on her sweaty forehead.

“Wh… what should I do?…”

Lil pressed her cheek restlessly with the back of her hand. She felt troubled and opened a window, then returned to her bed, slamming her head on the mattress and started screaming. After some time, she gradually came to terms with reality, so she got up, although wobbling, and took a daring decision.

“Okay. I’ll pretend I don’t remember.”

After tying her necklace, she felt much more comfortable. It wasn’t in her nature to evade the truth, but at times like this she had no choice but to utilise her acting skills. After a brief wash and packing her luggage, Lil checked her pocket watch. It was still early in the morning, so she had plenty of time to eat. When she was about to grab her room’s door knob…

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 – Knock Knock –

Lil opened the door to find Cesar standing there. He was carrying a light breakfast on a wooden tray. Lil awkwardly scratched her head and went back into the room.

“…Great. I have something to tell you.”

“I heard that we depart today.”

When she heard the door click, Lil glanced back at him.

“Isn’t the sooner the better? With the fleet heading this way, the League will also feel relieved with their increase in resources.”

“Why did you have to offer the gold…?”

“Do you want to be assassinated without knowing of rats or birds? I don’t think the League will keep individuals labelled as traitors alive in this critical period.”

“All right.”

“We need to get rid of possible charges against us.”

“Yes.”

Sitting on the bed, Lil stuffed the bread Cesar had brought into her mouth. Cesar moved a chair next to her and sat down, his face solemn. Lil asked as she sipped her milk.

“What are you so worried about?”

“…If that’s the case, wouldn’t it be safer to take our exit through the Serlio Islands?”

“Well, that’s possible. But, I’m sure everyone, not just Jarles or Valtano, will send someone to keep an eye on us. Shouldn’t we see what those guys will do first?”

Of course, Lil didn’t say that she wants a decent retirement. Since Cesar gave resources such as gold to the Bell Rock and sacrificed himself to run it with her, she couldn’t or didn’t want to refute him. Cesar was correct. It was beneficial for them to depart through Serlio, where the mainland of the Empire would come out a little further north. They won’t be easily monitored there, and it was half suicide to return to the League with such a fact. However, even so, they will be exposed to extreme danger until their escape is completely successful, and Lil speculated that Cesar would’ve actually devised anything. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have mentioned leaving the South.

“All right.”

After untying her necklace, Lil smiled and took his hand.

“I think it would be fun to go to a foreign country, right?”

“Are you serious?”

“I am. The principality of Loti is famous for Lake Louise. I want to go there too.”

Cesar, who was stroking the back of her hand, nodded. However, seeing Cesar giving the brightest smile she had seen in a long time made her uncomfortable.

“There are numerous recreational villas around lake Louise, and I believe you can stay there during the summer.”

Lil sat on Cesar’s lap and softly swept up his long bangs which seemed a little longer.

“Your hair is a little long. Do you want me to cut it for you?”

“Yes.”

“…Let’s see, the scissors…”

Lil looked around, muttering to herself. Naturally, there were no scissors in the room. As soon as she was contemplating whether she should go to the kitchen, Cesar kissed her temple.

“Not now…”

Lil looked at Cesar. Red eyes stared at her from beneath a thick golden hue. In reality, his hair was as blonde as his eyelashes, but he’s dying it darker for now. Lil recalled his blonde hair shining brightly under the Sesbron’s chandeliers. Looking back, Cesar shone the brightest at that time, but his light has only diminished since then, never returning to its original state. Maybe it’s been difficult for him to love her in this phase of their life, but Cesar believed that after Lil’s wanderings in the name of freedom, his happiness would return.

Lil tried to look forward to it. 

‘Maybe there’s indeed happiness there.’ 

The rewards and happiness that comes from caring for her husband and children. And, as Cesar mentioned, she’ll be able to ride and go out as much as she wants.

They hugged each other tightly. When she looked at him, Lil suddenly had a strange thought. 

‘I wonder why so many people aren’t sure of their love. The eyes of a person in love glitter with such intensity. Even a speck of suspicion is not enough to wash it away.’

*** 

– – – – –

Footnote/translation note:

*Object/subject: So Lil sees herself as an ‘object’ in her relationship with Cesar, we think it means that Lil is inferior to him. That she is just another woman with a womb, born to give birth to an heir. With that same reasoning the ‘subject’ Lil talks about is to be his ‘equal’, a compagnon deserving of his respect. In her eyes she will never be an ‘subject’ to Cesar. And the reason why she can’t refute him is because she feels that she owes him, this gratitude or even emotional blackmail keeps her chained to him, unable to break free. 

Disclaimer: This is just our thoughts, so we can be wrong and you’re ofcourse free to form your own interpretation of the text 

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