Chapter 32: 31: History

31: History

The next few days were a bit of a blur to me. There was just so much going on inside me. Perhaps in a more literal way than normal. I kept going to sleep at night, which I didn’t used to do so much, but the dreams were weird. It wasn’t lucid like I’d gotten used to. Well, maybe I should say it was less lucid. I was vaguely aware I was dreaming, but I didn’t feel like I was in control of the dream.

Inside my dreams, I instinctively knew that somehow the dreams weren’t just dreams. They were the same place I’d gone with Vivian. The place full of tentacles. At some point I realized that the lighting made no sense and wondered if everyone could see as well as I could, or if it was darker than it looked to me. These thoughts never lingered long though, as I mostly just found myself meeting and greeting and embracing lots and lots of people, including Vivian in these dreams. It was actually a lot less sexual than I expected, but there was no shortage of sex. It’s just, rather than night long debauchery, it was mostly cuddling and hand holding and head pats. If someone had told me before that a god of sex would spend more time cuddling than fucking, I’d have thought that didn’t make sense, but now I realize it makes perfect sense. There is so much more to good sex than just sticking it in until people cum. Cuddling in the afterglow is one of the best feelings. 

Ophelia had clearly gotten busy right away after receiving permission to bring more people in, as the numbers truly felt endless, though I know it wasn’t. Every night was a blur of pleasure and happiness like nothing I’d known before. It felt so good, and the DP made all my prior efforts seem like trying to move sand one grain at a time in comparison.

It was honestly overwhelming. I was pretty much on autopilot. Yet, thanks to all the DP, I was able to do a good job with wish granting still. One person wanted a way to keep stored food from rotting, and another wanted a way to more easily carry goods from one place to another. Both were solved with a similar solution. A large black slime (with a purple shine in the light) that items could be stored in. I wasn’t really able to explain it properly to them, due to being a bit out of it, high on my nightly joy. How it works though, is that these slimes are connected to me. 

That world I found in my dreams is me. It’s both inside me and yet not inside me. It’s more like a world that is me. I still don’t really understand it, but it’s not just a place in dreams, but also a real physical place. The fact that it can connect to the world of dreams and receive visitors from there is bizarre. I’m pretty sure the physical world and the world of dreams are supposed to be separate, so having a world that somehow is both physical and dream makes no sense. Yet, I can store physical goods there. I can make slimes that will transport their contents to a place inside my world. Then when needed, I can send the items back.

… wait, is it me sending them back, or the slimes? … I… I don’t know?! Don’t panic, don’t panic, Lae. It’s fine. It doesn’t matter. It. Doesn’t. Matter. Why do I get this gnawing fear whenever I think about that? Whenever I start to question my existence? I like my memories of being human. Even if I were told they were false, I would never want to lose them. I know this, but I don’t know why. I do not know why I treasure them so. Is my fear because I don’t want to lose them? ...no, that’s not it.

I wonder, am I broken mentally, because the human god is broken too? Or was I already broken before I even came here? If my past life memories are false, then why was I even brought here? Did I choose to come like everyone I’ve summoned did? I think I’d rather focus on the future than the past. 

…

Alpha’s view

It’s frustrating. I can tell Lae is distracted, and I’m not the reason. It seems I really can’t monopolize her at all anymore. Despite this, I can’t convince myself to stop watching over her. I fear I’ve grown a little too obsessed with her. Lae has been the best part of coming to this world though. Nothing else has been able to compare. 

So I find myself watching and listening as Lae solves problems for other people. Then after, I like to talk to them about the solution they receive. It is crazy how good she is at solving things. These new slimes are too amazing. Just touching one allows one to immediately know what’s inside, and it’ll just spit out whatever you want. It’s even easier than what I made, when I tried to create extra storage space. How does she do it? All I could do was make a bag that was larger on the inside than the outside.

Since I can make more bodies now, maybe it’s time I actually started traveling. It’s not like I ever really did the job I was originally summoned for. Instead I just did as I liked. Maybe it’s time I started taking my job more seriously. Maybe… maybe I can find someone out there that’s a better match for me. Lae did often tell me that I needed to go find someone else. I knew she was right, but kept putting it off.

…

Lae’s view

I decided to visit Ophelia. The way she’d talked before, she knows something. 

“Ophelia!”

“Welcome to the Church of Laetitia.”

“Huh? Laetitia? I’m Lae though.”

“Isn’t that simply short for Laetitia? It means joy and happiness.”

“It… what? Really?”

“Yes.”

“I thought it was just a lewd joke. Huh.”

Is that me? Joy and happiness? Somehow, I feel like that just describes a dream of mine, and not my reality. No, it is the reality I’m getting for myself now. It just doesn’t fit my history.

“I want to know more about my past. About why I can’t remember it. About why I am so afraid of remembering it. Can you tell me, Ophelia?”

“Maybe I should tell you a story. It’s not a very good story, but it’s about the birth of a god. There was once a land full of life. The things on this planet developed a kind of mental connection between each other. This was actually very very strange, since the beings didn’t have minds. However, this led to a mind developing that was made up of all of the beings combined. 

“At first, things were harmonious, yet boring. Eventually though, being all alone caused this mind to go mad and fracture. This led to a long and fruitless war that only ended when the madness escalated to the level of collapsing into mindlessness again.”

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Ophelia then was quiet. Letting me think.

“I thought this was the story of a god’s birth. How can it end with a death?”

“Because it never truly died, it merely lost the will to live. Complete abandonment of the self, allowed it to escape the misery it had created.”

“What happened next then?”

“Someone found it.”

“How can this story have anything to do with me? Weren’t you saying you liked what I really was? That story doesn’t sound like anything but a mess.”

“You are a being of connections. Having no one to connect to can only drive one like you mad. In a world full of people, such intimate connections can only be a beautiful thing to me. I want to see how you help this world find happiness.”

“So… I’m some sort of hive mind?”

“You aren’t a single creature. You are many creatures linked together.”

“I think I like my human thinking better. I don’t want to think of myself as a bunch of things.”

“Then think of yourself as one big thing, capable of being in more than one place at once.”

… I do like that idea… wait, “Does that mean most of my summons are actually just pieces of me?”

“All the ones that don’t have souls.”

“Okay, I think I get it… well, most of it, but where do my human memories come from then?”

“I’m not actually sure about that. I’m also not sure who found you and brought you here, but I’m guessing they are the one who gave you those memories to rebuild yourself with.”

… I feel like something about her story is wrong, but I’m not sure what. I do know I definitely don’t like thinking too much about what being alone is like. When I think about my memories of how I got here, it’s clear they tell me that I was brought here against my will. Except when I think about going back, I don’t want to. I feel as if I chose to be here, despite having no memories that fit that. As if the story of how I got here, was one I wrote myself. Which would make the entire idea of it being against my will a bit silly. 

“Thanks, Ophelia. I think I understand better. At least, I think I better understand what it is I don’t want to remember and why. It feels like there’s something missing still though.”

“Well, the story I told you is really just a guess. I’ve seen another like you before, and that was their story. I don’t really know what exactly happened to you, and just assume it must be similar. They didn’t have human memories though. You are a lot weirder to me than they were.”

For some strange reason, being told that I’m weirder than a normal eldritch abomination filled me with pride. I have no idea why.

…

Ophelia’s view

When Lae left in good spirits, it was a very great relief. I was so worried I’d mess up and accidentally trigger a breakdown. She’s stronger now than earlier, but she doesn’t seem ready yet to face her past directly. It feels weird though. Using just words to tell that story is how I’d deal with a human. Such indirectness is weird with something like her. A psychic swarm that wants to be human? How does that make any sense? Might help her understand the humans she’s trying to rule over though. 

***Author Note***

I feel like this story is getting more psychological than I had intended at the start. I just wanted to find a way to fill a world with tentacle sex and have it be a good ending instead of a bad ending. I wasn’t expecting to delve into the psychology of outer realm gods.

Regarding the church name, Ophelia prefers the name Church of Laetitia, and continues to use the name when not dealing with humans. Though she was convinced to accept the name Church of Joy for humanity.

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